MOM-a classic paradox

A Story by deepika

When I was in fourth grade living in Ahmedabad, my maternal grandmother back in Allahabad, Uttar Pradesh was taken ill. This deeply troubled us and within a few days, my mom who was the most disturbed left for Allahabad. She had been gone for a month and I was staying with my grandparents and father.

Managing myself and my studies was not as uphill a task as I had thought it would be, I did fairly well. Small talks over the phone with mom, bits of motherly advice from other close relatives, frequent visits by local family friends, school work kept me busy and made up for her absence in some way, not to forget my grandparents who were my biggest support during that time. As the days passed, her voice worsened, became duller and duller and so did my grandmother’s health. “You are too small, just pray to God every day; God fulfils all their wishes.... Don’t worry, everything will be fine....”, were some random replies given by my elders whenever I expressed a desire to go see my grandmother. Feeling helpless I did as was told to.

A few more days passed, waiting for some good news; but none came our way. One day I felt really uneasy and by evening was down with high fever, inviting humungous concern from my father and grandparents; all the more due to the absence of my mother. But my main concern was my upcoming test. Mom, who was informed about my ill-health over the phone and perhaps remembered about my test did sound concerned but a larger concern seemed to overshadow it; well, that should be understood by all, but was it?..

I recuperated in two days; all the while thinking about my mom, how I missed her, how badly I longed to see her, the way she would nurse me when I am sick, how badly I wanted to be her support in these testing times, my longing to visit Allahabad, the way she would teach me daily, her small tests, and in between trying to prepare for the test.....

Finally the day for the test arrived, giving me small pangs of anxiety at times, not due to my lack of preparation but because my mom hadn’t wished me luck for the same. I was upset, nervous, disturbed; vowed to talk to her after returning home and express my sadness and anger. The day at school and afternoon at home were unusually dull and quiet, as if conjuring me for an upcoming storm.

The most awaited evening arrived, the evening I had been waiting for one and a half months; my mom finally returned home. As soon as I saw her, I just couldn’t miss the paleness on her face. However, weighing my emotions, my anger higher than anything else I just blasted her for her nonchalant attitude. “You didn’t even have two seconds to wish me luck, mom. Really.... You know things don’t go that well without you wishing me luck. Anyway, now please let me be alone for some time.” Saying this, I went to my room weeping and my heart now swelling up with varying emotions; my longing to hug her overpowered by my anger. No one in my family said anything. After sometime my father called me in the living room and very gently said, “Beta, nani is no more; she died battling cancer on Friday. I was completely shocked and could feel my heart, my body shrinking due to the grief of her death and also due to the overwhelming guilt of my unforgivable words for my mother. I cried out loudly and was inconsolable for some time. I just didn’t know what to say to my mom, how to apologize. She had lost her father very early and now her mother was also gone. And to top it all my disgusting behaviour. I hugged her, cried my heart out and apologized. She hugged me back and simply said, “It’s okay, you are very small, you did this in your innocence. I know you will not hurt me knowingly.” I was relieved and even more ashamed at the same time. She never ever talked about my behaviour that day nor did she express any anger or resent. She was as calm as ever, as if nothing had happened.

Eleven years after this incident, my heart still cringes at the thought of my behaviour that day and makes want to hug my mother and cry like the fourth grader again. But I don’t and I can’t.

Mothers always keep their sad emotions in their heart, expressing only the happy ones and we are mostly unable to read them the way they read our eyes, our face just like a fairy. For them our pain, our happiness, our desires are always above theirs. Reading a mother’s heart is truly like solving a jigsaw puzzle. I sometimes wish that she would tell me how she felt that day, I want her to express her anger, her sadness or even cry and let her heart out to me just like I do with her. My subtle or at times even powerful attempts have always failed till now. Let’s hope I succeed some day in future.

© 2014 deepika

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Emma Olsen

Apologies for this review being so late. I've been really busy, but now I have time again! =)

Commas! Commas are your friend in big sentences. They help to parse the information. I probably over-use them, but really keep an eye on them since you seem very fond of long sentences. See if you can break up or simplify a few of your sentences, too, it might help with flow.
"When I was in fourth grade living in Ahmedabad, my maternal grandmother back in Allahabad, Uttar Pradesh was taken ill." Comma after Pradesh so that the reader knows that 'Uttar Pradesh' is the grandmother's name. I was totally confused as to why the grandmother was being brought into this at first, not realizing you were telling me the grandmother's name. =P
"my mom who was the most disturbed left for Allahabad." I think you should add in commas to separate the phrase 'who was the most disturbed.'
"not to forget my grandparents who were my biggest support during that time." Either add a comma after grandparents or perhaps rephrase this into a new sentence (like: My grandparents were my biggest support at that time, but without my mother's bits of advice I would've been lost.) Not saying to use what I wrote, but giving you an example.
"“You are too small, just pray to God every day; God fulfils all their wishes.... Don’t worry, everything will be fine....”, were some random replies given by my elders whenever I expressed a desire to go see my grandmother." I want to see the actual scene of this by a specific person, it feels like you're glossing over this part. I'm not sure that the anxiety the narrator faced is being adequately represented. Like your other work, there's a lot of telling here. Try to represent emotions through actions and interactions - like the one that could be more present here. How does the narrator directly react to these words? "I nodded and told them I was grateful for their advice, but it did nothing to prevent me from chewing down my fingernails." Do you see how that conveys an emotion without directly stating it? (Though perhaps it would be preferable to have her actually say something . . . do as you will, just an example.) Try to use scenes, more. This can be expanded.
"humungous" humongous
"well, that should be understood by all, but was it?" Not sure what you're getting at here.
"I recuperated in two days; all the while thinking about my mom, how I missed her, how badly I longed to see her, the way she would nurse me when I am sick, how badly I wanted to be her support in these testing times, my longing to visit Allahabad, the way she would teach me daily, her small tests, and in between trying to prepare for the test....." Watch your repetition. Generally, I stick to a rule that words and phrases should only be repeated three times or more and in succession so that the repetition seems purposeful. 'how badly' and 'longing' are repeated too close together. I like this image of the relationship, but maybe try to have the narrator remember how the mother would help her with tests. I think this sentence is way too long and rambles a bit. These are all important things about the relationship, so I don't want to feel that way, but I think there needs to be a bit more unison in how all these things shape the narrator and how their absence affects her. Does she start doing badly in school? Develop a strange habit? Some physical representation of the stress is needed, I think.
"she died battling cancer on Friday" You need another quotation mark at the end of this.
"And to top it all my disgusting behaviour." This fragment needs to be attached to something or re-worded. It needs a verb.
"any anger or resent" resentment
"For them our pain, our happiness, our desires are always above theirs." I think this should be your ending. I like the title but I'm not sure you've fully explained why a mother is a classic paradox to me . . . How does a mother contradict herself? That doesn't seem to be part of the story here. Perhaps focus on fleshing out that idea more in future edits?

I'm pretty sure my critiques the last time had to do with more telling versus showing and also establishing more of a setting and using more imagery. A lot of that applies here, too. You have a good story here with a lot of emotion, but I think the tension of the daughter missing the mother and how important the test and the mother's encouragement about it all need to be upped. Right now the first two paragraphs are developing pacing pretty well and then it feels like there's suddenly this test and then the mother's back and a passing observation (that the mother didn't wish the daughter good luck) is suddenly a huge deal. I need more focus on the mother/daughter relationship, whether in flashbacks or using their conversations on the phone. This feels like an outline to me right now - it could be much longer and I want it to be. You have some storytelling ability, definitely, that made me want to keep reading, but I think you need some more focus on the smaller details in your work. Flesh out the relationships, show me the stress of her mother not being there, try to work out some of the issues with pacing. Try to find ways to depict the characters and their personalities on the page. Your exposition flows well, but a lot of your dialogue is a bit stilted and doesn't really show me who these characters are and what motivates them. I think you're the type of writer who has a feeling for plot over characters, but this is a character piece, so you need to focus on bringing the characters to life more. What do they look like? What motivates them? What are their thoughts, opinions, beliefs? What in life gives them their meaning? What do they hate most? I think that this is based off a real experience, so you should know the answers, but I need it all to be communicated to me, as the reader, more. The best way to do this is through honing an ability for dialogue and using the 'he said/she said' portions to show reactions that develop the character's outer mannerisms. You do this some, but only really at the end of this when the tensions being resolved. Use your dialogue earlier to build up that tension so that I truly feel relieved when the daughter makes peace with the mother, rather than feeling like the incident kind of cropped up out of nowhere.

You have all the pieces here, but it would be worth your while to expand this and to work on your foreshadowing and character development. Give me images from the scenes, too! Where are they? What does it look like?
I believe some of these comments of mine were said before, and I think that this piece is moving through the plot a little more successfully (I didn't have any confusion about time, for instance), but keep working at it. =) This one kept me reading, but I think it's more the bones of a work right now than the final project - and that's completely okay, you just need to recognize it. I rewrite my work at least three times. The novel I'm working on right now I've rewritten all the chapter an average of eight times. It's work, but each edit helps you to bring more beauty into it. Keep writing! =)

Posted 10 Years Ago

Apologies for this review being so late. I've been really busy, but now I have time again! =)

Commas! Commas are your friend in big sentences. They help to parse the information. I probably over-use them, but really keep an eye on them since you seem very fond of long sentences. See if you can break up or simplify a few of your sentences, too, it might help with flow.
"When I was in fourth grade living in Ahmedabad, my maternal grandmother back in Allahabad, Uttar Pradesh was taken ill." Comma after Pradesh so that the reader knows that 'Uttar Pradesh' is the grandmother's name. I was totally confused as to why the grandmother was being brought into this at first, not realizing you were telling me the grandmother's name. =P
"my mom who was the most disturbed left for Allahabad." I think you should add in commas to separate the phrase 'who was the most disturbed.'
"not to forget my grandparents who were my biggest support during that time." Either add a comma after grandparents or perhaps rephrase this into a new sentence (like: My grandparents were my biggest support at that time, but without my mother's bits of advice I would've been lost.) Not saying to use what I wrote, but giving you an example.
"“You are too small, just pray to God every day; God fulfils all their wishes.... Don’t worry, everything will be fine....”, were some random replies  given by my elders whenever I expressed a desire to go  see my grandmother." I want to see the actual scene of this by a specific person, it feels like you're glossing over this part. I'm not sure that the anxiety the narrator faced is being adequately represented. Like your other work, there's a lot of telling here. Try to represent emotions through actions and interactions - like the one that could be more present here. How does the narrator directly react to these words? "I nodded and told them I was grateful for their advice, but it did nothing to prevent me from chewing down my fingernails." Do you see how that conveys an emotion without directly stating it? (Though perhaps it would be preferable to have her actually say something . . . do as you will, just an example.) Try to use scenes, more. This can be expanded.
"humungous" humongous
"well, that should be understood by all, but was it?" Not sure what you're getting at here.
"I recuperated in two days; all the while thinking about my mom, how I missed her, how badly I longed to see her, the way she would nurse me when I am sick, how badly I wanted to be her support in these testing times, my longing to visit Allahabad, the way she would teach me daily, her small tests, and in between trying to prepare for the test....." Watch your repetition. Generally, I stick to a rule that words and phrases should only be repeated three times or more and in succession so that the repetition seems purposeful. 'how badly' and 'longing' are repeated too close together. I like this image of the relationship, but maybe try to have the narrator remember how the mother would help her with tests. I think this sentence is way too long and rambles a bit. These are all important things about the relationship, so I don't want to feel that way, but I think there needs to be a bit more unison in how all these things shape the narrator and how their absence affects her. Does she start doing badly in school? Develop a strange habit? Some physical representation of the stress is needed, I think.
"she died battling cancer on Friday" You need another quotation mark at the end of this.
"And to top it all my disgusting behaviour." This fragment needs to be attached to something or re-worded. It needs a verb.
"any anger or resent" resentment
"For them our pain, our happiness, our desires are always above theirs." I think this should be your ending. I like the title but I'm not sure you've fully explained why a mother is a classic paradox to me . . . How does a mother contradict herself? That doesn't seem to be part of the story here. Perhaps focus on fleshing out that idea more in future edits?

I'm pretty sure my critiques the last time had to do with more telling versus showing and also establishing more of a setting and using more imagery. A lot of that applies here, too. You have a good story here with a lot of emotion, but I think the tension of the daughter missing the mother and how important the test and the mother's encouragement about it all need to be upped. Right now the first two paragraphs are developing pacing pretty well and then it feels like there's suddenly this test and then the mother's back and a passing observation (that the mother didn't wish the daughter good luck) is suddenly a huge deal. I need more focus on the mother/daughter relationship, whether in flashbacks or using their conversations on the phone. This feels like an outline to me right now - it could be much longer and I want it to be. You have some storytelling ability, definitely, that made me want to keep reading, but I think you need some more focus on the smaller details in your work. Flesh out the relationships, show me the stress of her mother not being there, try to work out some of the issues with pacing. Try to find ways to depict the characters and their personalities on the page. Your exposition flows well, but a lot of your dialogue is a bit stilted and doesn't really show me who these characters are and what motivates them. I think you're the type of writer who has a feeling for plot over characters, but this is a character piece, so you need to focus on bringing the characters to life more. What do they look like? What motivates them? What are their thoughts, opinions, beliefs? What in life gives them their meaning? What do they hate most? I think that this is based off a real experience, so you should know the answers, but I need it all to be communicated to me, as the reader, more. The best way to do this is through honing an ability for dialogue and using the 'he said/she said' portions to show reactions that develop the character's outer mannerisms. You do this some, but only really at the end of this when the tensions being resolved. Use your dialogue earlier to build up that tension so that I truly feel relieved when the daughter makes peace with the mother, rather than feeling like the incident kind of cropped up out of nowhere.

You have all the pieces here, but it would be worth your while to expand this and to work on your foreshadowing and character development. Give me images from the scenes, too! Where are they? What does it look like?
I believe some of these comments of mine were said before, and I think that this piece is moving through the plot a little more successfully (I didn't have any confusion about time, for instance), but keep working at it. =) This one kept me reading, but I think it's more the bones of a work right now than the final project - and that's completely okay, you just need to recognize it. I rewrite my work at least three times. The novel I'm working on right now I've rewritten all the chapter an average of eight times. It's work, but each edit helps you to bring more beauty into it. Keep writing! =)

Rating /100

Taylor_McCutcheon

I didnt find anything wrong with this :) Your spelling and grammar where good from what I can tell, just fix forming issues (indents and spacing) Great read

Posted 10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago

Thanks for liking it.....

10 Years Ago

No problem :)

Happy hours

nice...one can imagine the background scene from the words only.....very nice piece of work

Posted 10 Years Ago

0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

10 Years Ago

Thank you... Glad you liked it....

New Theory

You are a master story teller, your description is amazing. The incident you described in such small space while also describing the emotions so perfectly, I am jealous of you for being able to write so beautifully.

Posted 10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago

Hey thanks for liking... You have talent to write poems which I can't... Everyone has their own tale.. read more

10 Years Ago

But I want to write stories

Nusquam Esse

Very good for a non-native English speaker, and a very true message here. My main advice would be to study how to use punctuation, and see how you can combine sentences to make the story flow smoother. As it currently is, it reads like "The car was red. I like my Car." A more natural flow would be "I like my red car." Example from your story, with punctuation, I can combine your first three sentences into a single flowing one. "When I was in fourth grade, living in Ahmedabad, my maternal grandmother back in Allahabad, Uttar Pradesh, was ill." It can be difficult to form longer and more complex sentences, so good luck. Study up on how to use commas and semicolons.

Posted 10 Years Ago

This comment has been deleted by the poster.

10 Years Ago

Hey nusquam, I have updated the story... Improved the sentences, please find time to go through it. .. read more

Marie

When people are young, they don't think. They say thoughtless things and are sorry later. But the words can never be erased. It would be good if your mother opened up to you someday, but mothers think always that they have to be strong.I do share some of my problems with my daughter, but I have a hard time sharing with anybody else.