Charlie and The Magic Marshmallows

Charlie the unicorn stars in this epic action packed fantasy with beautiful description and crazy plot twists! I hope you enjoy c: x <3

Could you imagine that, at one time, there was a unicorn named Charlie?. He was a very pretty unicorn; he had snow white fur, chocolate brown hooves, and beautiful white smoke colored horn. Are you ready for the story of Charlie the Unicorn?! It starts now.

“Charlie!” His mother yelled.

Charlie groans as he gets up out of his bed and slams his aching hooves to the floor.

“WHAT MOM?” He yells out of annoyance placing his hooves on his head.

“You need to take Candy-Cane out for a walk”.  

“But why mom?”

“Please just do what you’re told, sweetie” his mother exclaims.

“Oh my god fine!”

Charlie hops out of his bed and trots to the kitchen scuffing his hooves across the floor.

“I wish my mother wasn't so lazy, she always makes others do things for her”.

He scratches his muzzle, puzzled as can be.

“I wonder if she'll ever learn. "I mean, she doesn't work and dad is always raking in the cash to support us.” “Well, This isn't really any of my business; I'll just keep my nose out and suffer through it, I guess”.

Charlie shuffles through the kitchen and spots Candy-Cane.

“Come here boy!” Charlie yells. “Come here!”

Candy-Cane was a small little dog, he had red and white fur. A weird birth defect Charlie’s family could not even begin to fathom. Charlie grabbed candy-canes leash and proceeded to the kitchen door. Charlie opened the door and a big o’l breeze caught him. “brrr” he said as he shivers. It was a cold day, the sky was dark and Charlie could see the frozen air coming from his nostrils. He walked down the rainbow road, trotting on the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet lines. Rainbows Ville was a beautiful place, the houses were crafted out of only the finest gingerbread and roads were made out of rainbow Twizzlers. In addition to all of this, fellow unicorn citizens were kind. there was not much worry  to be had about neighbors and such. As Charlie continues to walk down the road, a cute little white bunny approaches him. The bunny appears to have blood stains in it’s fur, but charlie wasn't too sure.  Candy-Cane starts to bark wildly.

“WHOA BOY, calm down.” “ it's just a little bunny”.

Charlie yanks candy canes collar back in worry of the bunny.  The bunny seemed to have a sad look on its face. Its eyes looked as if they were glazed with fire and its whiskers were pointed in unusual directions. I have not seen a bunny in ages. This must mean something substantial. Charlie sits dazzled for a moment as Candy-Canes barks die down.

“Dang boy, I wonder what that could have meant. Bunnies did not roam around Rainbows Ville often anymore; due to the great bunny warn back in 2028”.

“That was a terrible time”, Charlie thought to himself, “A terrible, terrible time”. “Candy-Cane! What do you think?”

“Ruff  Ruff”, Candy-Cane replies in confusion.

“You don’t know?” Charlie says. “Well, I guess it’s time to walk home now, Huh boy?”

“Ruff Ruff”.

As they walk home, everything is normal. The birds are chirping and the wind is blowing. You can hear the trees as they sway back and forth from the winds force.

Charlie sighs. “I need to get out more, Candy-Cane, It's just so beautiful”.

Charlie walks home as he has walked Candy-Cane pretty far. When he gets home, he bluntly says “Hello” to his mother and proceeds to his room. He flops down onto his bed and stretches his aching limbs out. Candy-Cane decides to jump up and snuggle next to him. Charlie smiles.

as he pets Candy-Cane"Such a cute little dog, so harmless and loving."

“CHARLIE!”

That one phrase coming from his mother's mouth was so infuriating to him. He absolutely hated when his mother would yell for him. Maybe it's just the way she would screech when she would say it, or maybe it was just the fact he wasn't in the best mood.

Charlie ignores the yelling from his mother, not caring much about it anyways. He stretched and releases a big yawn. Charlie looks down at Candy-Cane. The cute little puppy was fast asleep next to him. “Im really tired” Charlie says, yawning again. He gets comfortable on his bed and puts his blanket on top of him. The young unicorn then falls sound asleep, Unknowing of what may be ahead.

Now, we travel into the mind of the sleeping Unicorn. Where will we go? No one knows we will see, I guess.

A few mins into Charlie's slumber, he begins to dream

A loud gunshot pierces the air

“GET DOWN! GET DOWN!” A soft animal-like voice says. “Attack the bunnies!” “Show no mercy, men!”

Thousands of bunnies prowl out of their holes, each holding various rifles and assorted extras on their utility belts. They charge towards the humans, most running, but some in various vehicles. Tom loads his rifle and aims at a shorter man quietly walking to a bush.

"Can't hide from me sucker!" Tom says as he clicks off the safety and pulls the trigger.

Toms floppy body flies back from the kick of the rifle.

A tiny bunny with a little blood stain comes towards tom. His name was Commander Joe. Commander Joe was the leader of the bunny army since his grandfather was turned into rabbit stew.

“Charge!” Joe says. “Don't let the humans defeat us! We shall not turn into a pot of stew! I repeat, we shall not turn into a pot of -”

Commander Joe suddenly stops with a blank expression. A bullet had gone straight through his chest cavity. He falls to the ground, bleeding ferociously.

“AHH!” He yells, gripping his chest as the blood trickles through his fingers. “Who did this?”

He looks up, shaking, as his body is obviously suffering from the gunshot.

“Men! Go get him.” He points to a tall man named Amigo carrying an ak-47  wearing a blue flannel. That's the guy who hit me. Commander Joe sits there lifeless as the grassy field soaks up the blood. Two medic bunnies rush over to Joe with a sling.

“We can't just leave him here guys”. They said.

They then lift Commander Joe onto a sling. Their hands soaked in his thick red blood while the other bunnies try to chase after Amigo. But Amigo is too fast, He grabs a stray Gatling gun from one of the dead bunnies and continually fires at them.

“AHH! Guys, we need to retreat!!” one of the bunnies screamed.

But they're too late as they are stopped in their tracks when suddenly they hear a loud whooshing sound. A tank had shot a shell.

“You gotta be kidding me” tom yells.

The shell whooshes above their heads and unluckily strikes the ground beside them. The shell explodes within an instant and  a second a huge crater is present in the ground around them . The attackers look dazed as bunny parts are endlessly flying above them. They continue to walk over the hill anyways.

“So gruesome” a shorter man said as he accidentally steps on a bloody bunny carcass.

"Ewe", he yells not hesitating to wipe his shoe

“AMIGO!” The general screams. His hands on his head.

Startled, Amigo jumps and nearly slips on the blood from the carcass he had just stepped on and then quickly turns towards the general, Who was storming straight for him.

”Yes, sir? “ Amigo says with extreme haste.

“Amigo, I need you to find Joe, He can't be dead. I'm sure he’s still alive”. “You pesky little bunny, The general says grievously, You cannot and will not live. When I find you, yes, when I do, you’re going to be some delicious rabbit stew. I’m counting on you to feed my anger”.

“AHHH” Charlie screams as he jumps out of bed and nearly slams his head on the bed frame. “Another bad dream”. “Honestly, I need to figure out what was up with that bunny”. “because seriously, I just dreamed about the gruesome, great bunny war, there must be a connection.”.

“CHARLIE!” His mother yells.

“Time for dinner, honey!”

“Okay mom”, Charlie says with an exaggerated tone.

Unaware of much, he then hops off his bed and sits across from his mother at the dinner table. Charlie’s mom had prepared peas and chicken for them. Charlie looks upset as moves his peas around with his fork, his head bent down.

“Something wrong sweetie?” His mother says, sounding exceptionally worried.

Mom, He says, “do you remember the Great bunny war?”

“You mean that gruesome war back in 2028?” Charlie’s mother replies.

“Yes, sadly”, Charlie replies in despair. “Mom, I know we don't talk a lot, but like, you’re the only one I really have right now”. “My brother is dead, our family lives really far away and dad is at a business trip for another month”. Charlie begins to cry. “Life is just so difficult, some people will never know what it's like to suffer. “Anyways, mother, Can I talk to you real quick?”

Charlie says as he leans towards his mother.

“Of course, son, anything to help you”

Charlie smiles, and then proceeds to tell what happened. “Mom, there was this bunny I saw this morning, His eyes were glazed with fear as he had a frightened look on his face.”

“Oh dear, um, honey, that bunny is very important.”

“What do you mean mother?” Charlie says slouching back in his chair”.

“It's time I tell you what really happened in that war, schools aren't really allowed to tell the whole truth.” “Charlie, Commander Joe never died.”

Charlie spits out his grape juice and nearly falls out of his chair.

“WHAT?” He says with surprise. “How is that possible?!” He was shot and the tank shell hit them and there no way he could have lived.”

“Son, I know that doesn’t make any sense, but here is what happened”. “Commander Joe had ketchup packets over a bulletproof vest he was wearing, This way the bullet wouldn't kill him”.

“He figured that no one was looking since he was dead and he then silently rolled down to the lake beside the field”.

“There in the lake he hid until it was all over, he couldn't risk his life, he already felt bad enough for the rest of his men”.

“Well, now you know Charlie”, she said.

“Wow, I can’t believe it” Charlie says in surprise. “Mom, I need to go“

Before his mother has a second to respond, Charlie is already out the door, making a run for the bunny. Charlie runs and runs down the Twizzler roads, until he finds the place he the bunny was at. Charlie's mom wipes a tear as she hopes her son is safe.

“Stay safe son, I love you”, she whispers to herself.

Charlie stops as he approaches a similar looking tree. the tree he swore he was under when he came across the bunny.

“If the bunny comes back, it has to be Commander Joe”. “I swear it's gotta be him”

To his surprise, guess who comes along. That one bunny he had seen under the tree earlier. “Commander Joe!” Charlie yells.

“Shh, ” he says.“You need to be quiet Charlie”.“Now, shush and just listen to be Charlie, important things are going to come along”.“Charlie, I know this is somewhat late, but I have something magic to give you so you can go retrieve something else magical”. “As sketchy as it may sound, I promise this is completely legitimate my unicorn friend”. “You may come to your fate as well my friend; you may end up with everything, just saying”.

Commander Joe then hands over two silver beans. Charlie raises a hoof and takes the beans from Joe's paw.

“Plant these tomorrow, Charlie and make sure your mother doesn't see you plant them”. “But wait!” “Charlie, there is one more thing I need to give you”. Commander Joe hands Charlie a Bunny suit; put this bunny suit on, it looks like a clone of me.” Commander Joe then laughs and within a second, vanishes. “Well”, Charlie says. “I guess it’s just time to plant these beans”.

“Now, I am going to plant them tomorrow morning”.  “Mom will be sleeping and she won’t see me plant them”.

The next morning Charlie wakes up bright and early, the sun is just peeking over the horizon. He sprang out of bed and ran through the kitchen nearly knocking over a chair and bolts out the door to his backyard. Charlie spots a lighter patch of dirt, walks over to it and digs with his hooves. He throws the beans in the hole. “Aha, I cannot wait to see all the good stuff I am going to get!”

He trots over to the wall where the garden hose resides. He slowly turns the nozzle. He can hear as the water trickles through the hose and out the end. Charlie runs over and grabs the hose. Planning to water the beans, he takes it to the hole and runs some water into it, taking it out after a few seconds. To his surprise, this huge golden beanstalk started to come out of the ground. Charlie looks up.

“WOAH!” he says, as it grows taller and taller, “I can't believe how it’s already growing. Before I go up this beanstalk I need to put on my bunny suit”. Charlie says with astonishment.  “I might as well climb it to see what’s at the top”. “Commander Joe said I was going to find something magical”. Charlie does not hesitate to climb up the golden beanstalk, leaf by leaf he climbs up to the top. “I am getting close!” He murmurs as he sees a silver cloud lurking above him.

When Charlie reaches the top, a notable figure grabs him by the neck.

“Who are you?” Charlie cries, as tears begin to roll down his muzzle. He then sees these magical marshmallows out in the distance.

“Don’t be stupid”, the figure says “You know who I am, don’t you, Commander Joe”.

Charlie begins to cry as he realizes Commander Joe was playing him this entire time.

“So this is my fate?” Charlie thinks to himself. I guess not all good people get happy endings.” “Commander Joe had me go up here to the commander's lair just so I could be killed for him. “I guess he was not so much of a veteran”.

Author's Note

There is a tad bit of gore in this story, so please read with caution.
I finally finished fixing the Dialog grammar!

Reviews

[Bear]

Critique: (trots to the kitchen scuffling his hooves) are you sure you didnt mean scuffing which means "to rub or scrape one's foot or feet over something rather than scuffling which means "to go or move in hurried confusion"?
Some of your phrasing is off and could be conffusing example: (Commander Joe had me go up here) say you were sent to the store by Joe and ran into a friend at the store you wouldn't say "Joe had me go here" would you? "Commander Joe had me come up here"

Question, have you have someone who can read this story out loud to you so you can hear it as written? This is a great writing tool, it lets you hear and catch the little mistakes our mind jumps over. If not you can use a text to speech program (that is what I personally use). I am going to give you a link to my lessons in poetry page, at the bottom I have links to some good writing tools that aren't just for writing poetry, I hope you find them useful :~) http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/BearMage/1501893/

[McBear]

Yes, the mistakes i make are simply my mind lol. From now on, I will go back and check for errors like that. Thanks!

[Bear]

I like the text to speech because it lets me catch most of those things my wondering mind lets slip by when writing plus having big hands and fingers I often hit more than one key at a time without my notice. Sometimes when I listen to what I wrote it sound like I typed a word or two in Klingon :~)

[McBear]

Yes, very true. If you could, skim over my story now. I ave used your techniques from not only what you have commented, but also that thing you wrote about Poems.

[Bear]

The first thing I would suggest is to do away with the once upon a time, the fairy tale beginning could turn many readers off thinking it a children's story rather than young adult. Try something like From A Page Of History or Would you believe, there was once a unicorn named Charlie. Your character development builds smooth and already show quirks that identify their individuality which is good. You have some original ideas like "the great bunny war" which is what most readers are looking for, fresh new reading material. You have action, a bit of a mystery and let us not forget Candy-Cane and the fact that Charlie is a unicorn. Your readers should be hooked by the time The general screams “AMIGO!” Well done so good luck and good writing :~)

[Silent Wolf]

~It jumps around a lot...
~The sentences are a bit choppy.
~Now, we travel into the mind of the sleeping Unicorn. Where will we go? No one knows we will see, I guess. >>> this part can be left out.
~Yes, sadly”, Charlie replies in despair. “Mom, I know we don't talk a lot, but like, you’re the only one I really have right now”. “My brother is dead, our family lives really far away and dad is at a business trip for another month”. Charlie begins to cry. “Life is just so difficult, some people will never know what it's like to suffer. “Anyways, mother, Can I talk to you real quick?” >>> this part is confusing, as it jumps from one topic to another.
~“Shh, ” he says.“You need to be quiet Charlie”.“Now, shush and just listen to be Charlie, important things are going to come along”.“Charlie, I know this is somewhat late, but I have something magic to give you so you can go retrieve something else magical”. “As sketchy as it may sound, I promise this is completely legitimate my unicorn friend”. “You may come to your fate as well my friend; you may end up with everything, just saying”. >>>This part is also confusing... With all the quotations nod everything...

The ending seemed a little off. I couldn't quite relate to the character very much, as most of the things he did I would never do. Putting on the bunny suit, going up the bean stock, trusting Commander Joe...

[McBear]

I see what you're saying and respect it. I will surely get to making it more clear c: Send me a message to remind me :p also, at the end of your comment. I as well see what you mean. The ending sequences are supposed to be sketchy asf :3 I wanted the reader to be blown in the face while they sit surprised and confused

[Southern_Writes]

I just can't. I have no idea what is happening.

[McBear]

Does it not make sense to you?

[Southern_Writes]

Its just a lot to take in is all.

Others seem to like it hun, you will never write something that EVERYONE loves and for me personally, it is too busy.

[McBear]

I'm sorry. Yeah, that's true. Thanks for being honest with me. Thanks for reviewing.

[annalysiar]

Lots of gore. But it fits. This is a good story with a good plot

[McBear]

Haha, thanks!!

[annalysiar]

😃 no problem

[Dani The Unreviewed]

xD. now I'm reading fairly tales... but it's a nice little story, you could publish a collection of these, and put it on tha market for parentals with little kids. nice work mate.

[McBear]

True, I just couldn't list this as a children because of the gore, lol

[Dani The Unreviewed]

i know, but you can easily take care of that.

[McBear]

Yeah, Ill make a FF version :p

[Rose Jaeger Kaneki]

this is a really great story, my friend

[McBear]

Thank you c: I really need some more people to read it :'c

[Rose Jaeger Kaneki]

welcome, I will ask my friends to read the story