A Rambling of Mania

(Just problems and worries and me rambling on about it.)

My daughter went out tonight, to a get-together from her work and I'm worried

that she may drink and drive, she's rather petite and I worry so much since my

son was killed last year in that fatal car accident. Seems I tend to worry about

everything and everyone lately. I want to forget about everything and write my

poetry but the words don't seem to come to me, I believe it goes much deeper

than just writer's block this time. and then there's my grandchildren, what if

our utilities get shut off or the bills get so high we can't afford them, what if we

end up homeless on the street, what if my other grandchildren don't get to come

home from foster care, what if we never see them again. too many what if's so

here I am just rambling on and on and on. too many problems that I don't

know how to fix, like this run down old shack of a house that we live in, it's all

we have and what if we lose it somehow, then what do we do? So far, the bills

are all paid but what if, it's the what if's that are scaring me to death. So how

do I stop from worrying about things I have no control over, such as car

accidents, injuries or death? How do I sincerely talk to god in prayer when my

thoughts have been racing and my mind has been in doubt? Having manic

depression doesn't help either. It just makes things look even worse than they

really are at times, hopefully no one in the family will get sick like that again, is

that too much to ask? I wonder sometimes and don't want to end up in the

hospital again. I've been taking the meds but my depression is really deep this

time. and I know it's not even the meds it's just life and me right now. thank

god I am not a suicidal person because that is how I feel like the feelings as if

this is the end of the world crashing in on me and my family and there's no

where to turn. And, too many in our family have died, there is no one who can

help us anymore. and then there's finances, never enough, barely making ends

meet. I find it funny, ironicly speaking that I wouldn't know what to do without

 the struggle. we need a miracle. but doesn't everybody? So anyone that

may read this story realize that I am just rambling on with the thoughts in my

head, probably not making a whole hell of a lot of sense. I do feel a little better

when my daughter comes home safe and sound. then it will be back to

worrying again tomorrow when my kids get in their cars to go to work and drop

off my grandchildren at school. how in the world do I stop worrying like this? it

just doesn't make sense.

Author's Note

Please ignor my grammar. It's a mess.

Reviews

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I can understand where your coming from, just hope you daughter remembers the impact and does the wise choice, but you worrying is normal... as for worry bout everything lately I do that too and I think in this day and age most people do... things move fast and with our unstable economy it has gotten more shaky. thanks for sharing your fears cause everyone can see they are not alone.

[Sheila Kline]

Oh, can I relate to this.........the full blown effects of manic........every question, worry, anxiety, loss of hope, and the circle continues round and round and round and round!!
Ramble on! It is good to get it out of your system by writing it down. That way you can look at it, and perhaps release a little of it!
God bless!
Sheila.......spinning with you!

[Llysofar]

I was feeling like this a couple of days ago. I get bad depression in Winter and even small things can take on a life of their own. I try and think of good words like JOY, PEACE, WELL-BEING. Listen to soothing music.

About the why you write - it's therapeutic to read for me because it's just so true how thoughts can come in thick and fast. You could try saying `What if?' and lots of good things happening, though, don't you think?
I think it's good to be able to write so freely. :)(:

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

Anxiety, Zoloft, I am all too farmilar. Different flavor but the same soup. I'm trying to let go and let God but as you know easier said then done. Pray girl.