Feel Like A Zombie

Living with manic depression has become so annoying for me. Taking medication makes me feel like a zombie. I feel it has taken it's toll on me. I'm tired most of the time and my energy-level is so low. I feel so drained and I don't know where to find inspiration to do the things that I once enjoyed. I only take the meds prescribed because I do not desire to end up back in the hospital. My manic episodes have gotten worse each time and I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel old before my time. Though I am getting on in years, I need to find a way to get my life back on track.

 

Perhaps it runs deeper than just being bipolar. Too many deaths in my family, and no time to grieve. Just one after the other, leaving one to wonder who or what is next? Can't handle anymore tragedy. Though I know there are things we just have no control over. It's so hard not worry all of the time. Feeling as though I have lost faith in everything I ever believed in. So much has changed. It's not that I don't believe in God or in prayers, I just don't feel encouraged or comfortable in my beliefs. It's as though a part of my soul has been ripped out.

 

A lot of my depression comes from my environment I am sure. As living in this run down old house puts stress on me and my family. Nothing is up to code like it needs to be, and it takes everything we can muster just to work on it to try to make it better and still make ends meet. This place is so depressing and we just have no way out.  Feel like I will die here one day. The neighborhood has become a ghetto area and so nobody wants to buy houses here anymore. Feels as though we are destined to be here forever, not a very good feeling to have. My children and grandchildren deserve so much more than this. So do I.

 

So here I am trying to get through writer's block by just writing a little of what is bothering me. Not to mention, my other grandchildren which are in foster care, I want them home, but we have to prepare this house for them, if they were to come here. Is is really possible? I wonder. Is it just dreaming on my part. I hope and I pray but I am scared of what the future may hold for us. And, I miss my son since he was killed by that drunk driver last year. I miss him more and more each day. It's hurts so bad. My heart is forever broken.

 

 

Reviews

[c.harrison.grant]

I can relate to all of this, and thanks for posting it. I never really battled any depression of anxiety until after several tragedies and upheavals led to an utter collapse of my ability to cope. I was on the meds for a few years, ended up getting liver disease from them. So I stopped taking them. It's not easy, but God and science have helped me and I have been med free for over a year, and my health is getting back to normal. I can relate to the separation as well. My ex wife has kept my children from me for unjust, greed laden reasons. I was a stay at home dad for almost a decade, raised three kids, one who had 5 open heart surgeries and a heart transplant. Now I haven't seem them for over 4 months, and have been cut from their lives. I was financially crippled by this woman, and now she wont me see them til I give her more money. I'm sorry about your son, it's every p[parents worst nightmare.

[George Love]

This is a very powerful essay on not just your state of affairs, but the status of many across this once great land of ours. Very powerful indeed. A startling and dark work here.