rambling thoughts tonight

Just w oke up 4am went outside for a smoke, and thought about my llife and this crazy physicall pain I am in and all the crap that has happened in the past 6o some years i been here, about the way i wonder have i been here since the beginning of time, will i be here at the end of time and what is time, and what was it like before time did even exist, how peaceful it must have been, and how this crazy blue planet came to exist with us humans living and breathing and destroying it, in such a short amount of what we know as time.... then I thought about my son, bobby and i thought i wonder what if there was a place in this whole damn universe where maybe there is a great spirit that has a vast and intricate mind so full of energy to create it all and to hold it all together and keep it all intact, i guess science could maybe touch on figuring it all out one day, if we don't stop all the corruption and the greed, and get back to basics of why we are here in the first place, not to destroy but to add luster and beauty and care enough to take our place as caretakers of this once beautiful mother of ours, Earth. And then a song came to me, it might be by the Stylistists or Marvin Gaye or someone but it goes like this... "I knew you when you were lonely, I knew you when you were only, a girl all alone without love?.... God if you are truely out there or in here, inside of my mind, or if you exist, what the hell is it all about, we are born, we live, we breathe, we maybe if we are fortunate grow old and then we die, What for Lord>what is the reason we are really here, why do we exist, and is this all there is or is there really a place we go when we die, and is it actuallly better than this? Mother Earth please forgive your children, for what they have done to themselves and to you, a dying planet so blue as my heart and my soul.... God, I just don't know anymore I don't like it here it not a kind place to be, to find joy or comfort in the arms of no one, but i still have the faith somehow that a child shall lead them, because innocense is a gift and i was blessed with it as many were not, for mankind has stolen it away from so many.... I remember childhood and running free in my backyard amid the grapevines, the cherry trees and making mudpies after the rains came, and digging in the yard trying to find the red earth clay that my grandpa said i would find a place called China, and robins i remmember the robins and sparrows in spring and in winter, and the hot summers that led into autumn, i remember it all, and i recall the way i escaped really with song and poetry and cartoons on saturdays... God , "Bobby", my only son,,,, I miss you and it hurts, and I am crying, and I am oof of those damn pharmaceudical drugs that took me down a road i wish to god i never woud have traveled, i lost so much of me and i have so many regrets, it's crazy, damn it is... "I love you , bobby, and i am so sorry for everything for every choice in life that was a mistake i made and i am sorry for all those that crossed my path, our paths and used us and abused us and took until there was no more left to take.... yes honey, you came through to me to night, as a memory, an eternal flame, a small spark of hope to help ease my pain. I need you, god, how i need you more than ever, now that you are gone....Yes I knew you when you lonely, I knew you when you were onlly, a boy all alone without love....

Reviews

[emmajoy]

' i wonder what if there was a place in this whole damn universe where maybe there is a great spirit that has a vast and intricate mind so full of energy to create it all and to hold it all together and keep it all intact.. .. '

There's so much depth to your words, tis as if you've turned into a rushing stream, travelling through time, debileah. I'm near to tears, admittedly but can feel the bewilderment and perhaps, anger, about what's gone, what's derailed your life and left you so aware of the light that's dimmed over history. Your sadness about your bobby... dear Lord, preserve the hope and pride you had and still grieve about.. guess you always will.

Loneliness is a disease.. hard to recover from.. yet a mother does know how.. truly, I promise, hand on heart. (You)