Me

Deborah L Krempa

Just now ·

Damn, so tired of taking pills, especially the bipolar drugs that have taken so much of away, from my life. Like I fell for the label, and I endured the stigma of being bipolar, You can say I am crazy when I am manic, you just don't get it, do you? that I am more than this spectacle of lunatic that your eyes catch a glimpse of now and then. I am more, so much more than I have become. Just seems as though I am out of ambition, and have lost sight of my goal/s. My intelligence is awesome, but I have succumbed to be as a rat in a trap. No sunshine at end of the tunnel, whereas daylight turns to darkness, Sometimes, I feel like I could call it quits and throw in the towel, cast my burdens to wind.

Funny, everything I ever learned was an exaggerated lie. From my history books to my search for a religion that I could believe in. I find myself at sixty years of age, with a high school diploma, a certificate of continued education, and a plaque on my wall from the ABA. Enrolled in college but never yet made it there, something always came up, like my failing health, at one time or another. Or a relentless destructive marriage that I could blame this on instead of my own procrastination and my drunkenness at the time, which was caused by loving another human being more than I loved myself?

So now as I enter the twilight of my life, I am not as strong, as I use to be. I find myself not as vulnerable as I once was. And; all in all, I see this old woman when I look into the mirror, and I wish I could turn back the hands of time and make my life and children's lives miraculously turn out right. But I don't believe in Santa Claus and I don't believe in fairy tales. For if you tell one lie, you have ten more to follow the first, lies create more lies. I never taught my kids to believe in fallacies and I would hope that they will follow my direction with their kids. I never lied to them, ever, some things were just never brought up, or when things surface, you face it head on and deal with it. But, procrastination is a terrible thing, sometimes my hair unkempt and I am in disarray, not taking care of myself and my health as I should. I need so desperately to find the motivation, to pick up these pieces of me that still exist, in need of nourishment, and so I may reap a good harvest at the end of my days.

Reviews

[Laura Tyndall]

Very dark, it feels like a snapshot if real life!