don't hold love over my head

deliberate prose... it's long-ish.

like the tick tick tock
of the stately clock
as it stands

against the wall
like the drip drip drop
of the rain drops
when the summer shower

is through
so a voice
within me
keeps repeating
you     you                you

 

I ask of you,
don't be shallow
don't be selfish
you're all I want
and nothing more.

whatever it is you think

you are, you aren't:

a good friend

unique

well read, good-looking

or smart,

now you know.

I hate to be the one

to bear such bad news,

it's true

 

you don't mean anything

to anyone, but me

I'm trying to come to the point...

I am but a fool
to play unaware of things

my words to

you are fake
and my transparent mind
won't cover
see-through hearts
we got off at the wrong stop
stay if you want

I'm certain this isn't
what we looked for

Author's Note

some lines I like, but kind of just went with chain of thought... not sure if I'm feeling it.

Reviews

[Steffi]

"you you you" such a simple line yet it revealed so much about the poem and the feeling behind it.

[Girl, Interrupted]

like the tick tick tock
of the stately clock
as it stands

against the wall
like the drip drip drop
of the rain drops
when the summer shower

is through
so a voice
within
me keeps
repeating
you you you



I ask of you,
don't be shallow
don't be selfish
you're all I want
and nothing more

whatever it is you think

you are, you aren't:

a good friend

unique

well read, good looking

or smart,

now you know.

I hate to be the one

to bear such bad news,

it's true



you don't mean

anything

to anyone

but me

^ if it had just ended there, it wouldve been an incredibly awesome poem. but you kept going and it lost momentum and a lot of its power.
the second half seemed pieced together, just thoughts that didnt connect but rather seemed to jump around.

i liked this part:
my words to

you are fake
and my transparent mind
won't cover
see through hearts
we got off at the wrong stop
stay if you want to
I'm certain this isn't
what we looked for

[Gastroc.]

me loves. especially the end.

[Kara Emily Krantz]

this is great though - yeah, sure, you could probbaly tighten it up some, but overall it's really great. I liked the chain of thought here - the beginning is actually really great, with the... what? onanompatoasoia? you know what I mean lol

"so a voice
within
me keeps
repeating
you you you"

love that - that's my favorite part.

"I am but a fool
to play
unaware of things"

yes yes yessssss

lovely job, mdear