out of love suicide

for a contest, based on a play I saw at the National Theatre in London, "Thérèse Raquin" and it's amazing drama

ethereal and flowing         limbs fluttering

she enters stage left                                                 as he enters,
searching                                                               disjointed and
looking endlessly                                                      disconnected
for a cure                                                                casted away
an answer                                                                 and abashed
not quite sure what to do                                      emotions soar as
      with herself,                                                          the orchestra plays
she collapses                                                            just for them



restless and turning
night after night
after night after
they've done
the worst imaginable
a sin unforgiven, plotted together
haunted by a portrait
the price paid
for a future of
tranquil happiness, of satisfied love
is to live a life more claustrophobic
than before



hiding in the shadows
guilt and disdain
two passionate lovers
now disgusted to touch

in the yellow glow of the fire's embers
two murderers contemplate one another,
trembling
they take control
of terrible desperation
resulting denouement:
an out of love suicide

Author's Note

Play this in the background... http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/2557/ -- Edited a bit.

Reviews

[~crazy Beautiful~]

wow
fantastic
"restless and turning
night after night
after night after
they've done
the worst imaginable
a sin unforgiven, plotted together
haunted by a portrait
the price paid
for a future of
tranquil happiness, of satisfied love
is to live a life more claustrophobic
than before"
these words were mezmerizing
I felt the emotions of this piece
Nice work
thank you for entering my contest

"

[Steffi]

I really enjoyed this one!
"a sin unforgiven, plotted together
haunted by a portrait
the price paid
for a future of
tranquil happiness, of satisfied love
is to live a life more claustrophobic
than before"

[Lost Little Girl]

They way the story is presented really gives you the full effect. The music was quite a lovely touch too. This may very well be the most interesting thing i've seen on writers cafe in a long time.

[Gastroc.]

i really like this.

"hiding in the shadows
guilt and disdain
two passionate lovers
now disgusted to touch"

and playing the music in the background adds a heck of a lot. music + poetry =

[Datchik76]

"the price paid
for a future of
tranquil happiness, of satisfied love
is to live a life more claustrophobic
than before"
--and--
"two murderers contemplate one another"

My fav parts. More like a "been there, done that" moment. Having the song play in the background made the words grab me that much more. The beginning layout was also a nice touch. Can't wait to read your other works.

[Ms. Cruz]

in the beginning, this reminded me of the new york city ballet. and if you think about it, the first part is shaped like stage curtains drawing back. then the middle reminded me of moulin rouge "hiding in the shadows. guilt and disdain, two passionate lovers" and then the whole fire part reminded me of a beach bonfire. twas a fun journey

[Girl, Interrupted]

never saw the play or heard of it but i thought this was interesting, even the way you wrote it out.
might want to fix "then before" to "than".

[Este]

the first part was my favorite. i read it a few different ways and i love the fact that you get a totally different feel each time. (intentional or not, sheer genious). when read from left to right you get a very scizophrenic (sp?) and anxious feel, but when you read from top to bottom and then go to the next section (probably meant to be read so) it's a very smooth, almost effortless descritption of the characters....diggin it!

not incredibly fond of the second half though...seems more like a wordy summary of events.

"night after night
after night after"
-that was really cool...very cyclical

[A.M. Nelson]

the worst imaginable
a sin unforgiven, plotted together

a sickly oppressive marriage
ends in a bloodless snuffing out
- I don't like those lines, I sort of got stuck on them a bit. Ummm, 'sickly' could be removed and perhaps the other bits should be rewritten.

"trembling
they take control
of terrible desperation
resulting denouement:
an out of love suicide"
- but that bit was probably my favourite part.

But I very much like the way you have structured this, from the start it gives at nice kinetic sort of disconnection....as we have to keep moving over and over to find the rest of the words. Like waves almost.

[Legion]

Wow. Love the wordplay in this. The story was phenomenal as well. The last line was riveting. Well done.