Hysteria

A short piece of writing that imparts the frustration and anxiety.

              I don't know how to describe it. This, what I'm feeling. How I'm feeling. I feel like I've never felt it before but in reality, I feel it every day, every hour, every second. My mind becomes disabled. My senses turn to water, but everything finds its way to me. It pierces my brain like needles. Yet, it’s not at that moment I feel the impact. It’s the aftermath, the consequences. Though I am not completely aware, I am aware, of my surroundings, of everything. I pretend I don't, oh but how I do.

This feeling causes my mind such agony that I can't even comprehend the realism of it. I don't want to understand. My mind becomes a barrier, protecting me from the outside. But a little part of it manages to seep through and break at me bit by bit. Little did I know inside, where I thought it was safe wasn't. What I thought I knew thought I loved tore at me too. Or maybe that is what portrays in my field of vision. Let them in, I thought. I wouldn't regret the acts of opening up and inviting them. It'll only make me stronger. They say weakness is pain leaving the body. But that's the thing. That's exactly what it is not. It’s not merely the leaving of the body but the entering of it. A weakness is something one cannot counteract or escape. Yet did I even for one second conclude on what would happen if something like this occurred. If everything I feared appeared right before my very eyes. No, I didn't, and how I despise myself because I didn't.

My mind turns things around. I don't know what to believe and what to avoid. Every day is a battle. It’s a battle for my minds ability to cope with reality and not its pathetic love for fantasy. This feeling is rather inevitable I would assume. The lack of remembrance of what I longed for once proves my distinct failure, or said by some, an accomplishment. The showers of despair are quite common now and I'm rather fond of it. They help me understand. Understand life and who I've evidently become. The feeling of euphoria has become but a glitch of my memory. It’s left a mark somewhere deep in my internal structures, where it’s impossible to find. The feeling of something of great obscurity is petulantly real and undeniable. Though it may be bemusing, it’s quite clear. Every day I feel frightened, reluctant to my daily concepts. They cause me discomfort. They may be whom, what, even why. I am unwilling though; my mind is indisposed to become animate. Life itself has become befuddled and I cannot narrow it down. I cannot differentiate on what is clear and unclear because everything has just become one blur.

 Contentment is one of which I cannot identify or relate. This feeling is far from ecstasy, where one can disappear into their own. I do not know what it may be, but this pain is unjustifiable and incurable due to the uncertainty of the beginning. Though, I may have a doubt, an idea of the source. But I choose to deny. Deny the only possible realism I can ever encounter. Perhaps it is a being. Despicable I know, the act of myself. My whole life has been a haze. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I just know I'm there, without a stance or placement. I am just another star in the galaxy. It is nothing extraordinary. A phase as some may address, but you wouldn't call it that if it’s what you've been entitled to your whole life right? You wouldn't call your life a phase. It is a bundle of phases intertwined in one. But I'm oblivious to everyone around me. However, ones I'm acknowledged to, they become oblivious to me. I don't identify this. It just happens not by my intentional doings but by my devious, controlling mind.

I would ask to let them in because I am trying to expand my horizons. I am trying to limit the suffering. I don't intend on ending this suffering because that is too much to ask for. I know it isn't very possible. Therefore I will not act of an imbecile who thinks absurdly to what is logical. My abhorrent depiction on life is not to my control. Its rather like an instinct. It comes naturally. The sense of feeling bliss is something I am not familiar with. Well if I were to sit here and discuss the words of felicity that I had never felt, guess I could go on forever. Truth is, I am fully aware of what's going on. Well partially aware but the thought of accepting is irrational and simply not possible for my mind. I may choose to try but my mind has one of its own and I am not one to be authoritative. It is rather uncanny how I'm not in the right state of mind considering I should be in control of what I can and cannot do. But this feeling will never become a manifestation in which I can accept. It will always remain obscure and nothing can say otherwise. Choices given to me are extremely unclear but even if they were evident, my mind would deliberately bewilder me to make a fool of myself and to make my life a more living hell. I have no way out and no way back in.

Though there is no true definition or way to describe this feeling I know that I can bear it. Well maybe I can't, but I am not one to choose or say differently. I'm trying to contend with my mind and if I'm rather honest I would say my perseverance is very high. Coping with such intolerance is quite the achievement. My effort is rather high but inutile. And I'm lost. I don't know what to do or how much longer I can remain. I cannot trust anyone, friend or not. But let them in. They can help you forget and move on. However, the amusing thing is that I don't really know who, just someone, anyone. The feeling of feeling deprived of something has gone too far and I simply want it to be over. These voices will help me get through and prevent me from doing anything doltish. If I can go through with this, it may be the key to any elation I might ever feel. The help I seek however is so great that not anyone can attend to. So I am in complete desolation but I am already rather familiar with it. There is nothing more to get used to. But the ultimate truth is this feeling overcomes anything, everything. It is useless trying, forgetting, trying to forget because it somehow manages to crawl its way back in to haunt you. But that's just the half of it. Nothing much left to bother. This feeling, I still don't know how to describe it.

Author's Note

What do you think?

Reviews

[HeyJadeXO]

This piece is really relatable to me because I suffered a lot of anxiety in the past.You captured the actual feelings and constant back and forth alot of people struggle with daily.Very cool.

[Deanne LeGrand]

I know how you feel and I'm glad you found it relatable. Thanks for the review :)