Who I Never Want to Be

I wrote this to express my frustration dealing with a narcissistic, mentally abusive mother.

It's all getting old. 

The constant walking on eggshells, 

the irreparable damage that accumulated over the years, 

your degrading words and demeaning actions. 

To keep coming back to you means murdering myself, 

taking away my freedoms and sewing my mouth shut to owe you respect. 

You don't know the difference between parenting and slaughter-

because suffocating me is the only way that you thrive. 

To take me down with you is the only way to die. 

You taught me that withholding information is equal to trust, 

that restrictions and isolation is the only way to run about. 

Raging about how dependent I am, then threatening when i become too independent. 

The belittling, the accusing, the constant criticism-

The millions of subtle non-verbal cues that you do.

Everyone else tends to turn their cheek to-

I grew up learning that for your respect, I have to earn it. 

But I'm not growing anymore- at age 20 I'm not a kid. 

And the expectations of my respect coming unearned is false-

its beyond the point of respect and gratitude. 

This isn't a matriarchy- nothing is controlled by my abuser. 

You tell me I'm a child but as a child I had to grow up too fast. 

I had to learn that the voice you try to take is my freedom of speech. 

You expect me to be eternally grateful and admire you just because I was born. 

I'm not going to admire someone who makes me fear coming home because i don't know what mood they're in. 

I've heard over and over the wicked words.

I'm the fat daughter.

I'm the horrible daughter.

I'm not the clever one.

Nor am I the athletic one.

I'm the "Why are you even here?" child. 

I'm the "disrespectful little b***h".

You say you do everything- but all you've done is make me sick. 

The reasons for my severe anxiety, my depression-

the reason that I don't remember most of my childhood. 

verbal abuse isn't a game, so stop treating it like it is. 

Stop laughing at me when i catch you doing it. 

The one and only thing that you've taught me 

is that the way that you talk to your children becomes their inner voice.

and that you taught me who I never want to be to my children.