self destruction

---

have you ever felt like you could conquer the world 

and drive a car at 100 miles per hour? 

 

the wind roaring into your ears 

headlights fading into lanterns 

a fleeting taste of gasoline  

acrid and oily sensations 

 

ribbons of pavement streaking by 

the trees blurring into lush clouds 

suddenly the road turns away 

you feel your heart slow to a crawl 

 

in the last moment you think to yourself 

is this what it feels like to fly as an angel? 

Author's Note

this is an old poem I wrote back in 2020 when I was at a low point after finding my brother-in-law dead from an accident and was coping with grief. he didn't pass away from a car accident, but had been a person that lived his life full of risk-taking. wanted to convey his destructive habits in some form that i related to as well.

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

It is really strange how perception influences these sorts of moments. I've driven mountain roads at ~140mph on a single occasion. At first you're clenching the wheel, adrenaline pumping as you are aware that a slight mishandling is pretty much instant death... but after a few minutes it just feels like a normal speed. And you just sorta sink into the rhythm of shifting your center of gravity as you take the turns. As for actual accidents, when I was a teenager, I was t-boned by a truck that wasn't paying attention. He slammed into me at around 75mph, enough impact to rip my front axle off. My car spun and flipped it's way into a nearby ravine.... somehow not killing me. I remember how time seemed to slow to a crawl, as the windows shattered, and then it was like it just speed up impossibly. Or perhaps that is just what 75mph is like inside a small car? How does time seem to slow, then speed up like that? It really makes you realize how subjective our perception is. I will say this much, there isn't enough time to think a whole sentence out, and then it becomes sensory overload... where you cannot isolate, or honestly even understand pain. You just, stop being a human being for a bit? Not sure if it is like that for others, but pain in that state of shock isn't something you feel like touching a hot stove, but rather it just shuts off your ability to sense even the self, much less distinguishing each sense.

[mads]

Yes, this is absolutely what I was trying to go for. Before my brother-in-law passed away, he had actually wrecked his motorcycle at 120+ mph and walked away with just a sprained knee. he described this experience to me and I wanted to convey this emotion/perception as closely as possible.

Thank you for the comment!