Keeping Pace

 

Every step taken

is a footprint on my heart

for the air I breath

passes through me

to keep my body

three dimensional.

A million visions a day

is too much

for my eyes to handle

so some will be remembered

but all will have a place

within my mind,

which is why there will always be

pieces to the puzzle

called my dreams.

If the things I say

are stepping stones

to my legacy

than the things I here

are the cracked foundation

they are paved upon.

So the wrecking ball of faults

is God’s unasked prayers

keeping  the structure

from getting too tall

and keeping my loved ones safe

from my fall.

For I shall not

live amongst the angels

till my mortality

is finalized.

Reviews

[Ees]

first: "so some will be remember" - I think you wanted "remembered" to end that line?

"than the things I here" did you want "then the things I hear" that would make more sense to me?

"that they are paved upon" the word "that" felt odd to me in this line, there is nothing wrong with it, but it seemed to break with the flow you had going and I am pretty sure that if you just eliminated it the words would still work quite well and convey the meaning you intended.

Other than those small bits, I think the poem works really well, though it does remind me a bit of talking to my old burnt out friends who did acid more than I could image being necessary. Sometimes I like talking to them and sometimes I don't and I think that I might feel the same way about this poem.... I don't know. But if you didn't want to sound that way you might want to add some more-- ehhh, solidness if you wanted to... but in general, this could absolutely be what you were going for...

I think this may be the most inadequate review I have ever given. I should prob shut up now, I hope some of what I said was useful.
Have fun,
Erin

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Thanks for the review and suggestions... I left the "than" cause it is a comparison but the others worked great.

[Ees]

awesome, yeah I wasn't sure which way you were going on that one. Great job,
have fun,
Erin

[emmajoy]

' If the things I say are stepping stones to my legacy than the things I here are the cracked foundation that they are paved upon. So the wrecking ball of faults is God’s unasked prayers keeping the structure from getting too tall and keeping my loved ones safe from my fall. For I shall not live amongst the angels till my mortality is finalized. '

Sometimes your writing makes me laugh; sometimes your words are irreverent or cheeky ao, I daren't stay too long. BUT, but, but sometimes your words stop me dead .. and THIS is one of those times.

Keeping Pace.. or even, keeping peace? Special poem this.

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Thanks for your deep and in sightly review classy lady... your thoughts are always valued.

[Lily Mae]

The wrecking ball of faults is such a powerful statement .. I love this Dale amazing as always..xo

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Thank you :)

[KAREN]

Yeah we all have stepping stones in ours lives, and everyones is different! well written thought provoking poem!

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Thank you so much.

[KAOlmsted]

I like the entire piece, but the first bit in a more abstract way than the last...that your faults are the wrecking ball that keeps the "structure" from getting too tall was a refreshingly new twist on an old theme and I think you made great work of it. Keeping your loved one's safe from your fall...just brilliant, dude. And the last line was especially good. I took it to mean you are not exactly living as a saint here on earth...then again, who among us is? I really enjoyed this. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

-kimmer

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Wow thank you for that great review and positive feedback.

[KAOlmsted]

My pleasure.

[An owl on the moon]

Such a profound wisdom works through your song of mortality... the rise and fall of a life... of hope mingled with despair... Thank you for always challenging us and taking us deeper into the human experience.

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Why thank you so much for your insight good sir.

[MOON]

strikingly beautiful and deep . Love pretty much all of it but particularly keeping the structure
from getting too tall
and keeping my loved ones safe
from my fall.

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Thank you very much.

[UnderCompulsion]

Beautiful write!I loved it! :)

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Thanks.

[Poetic Justice]

this reads like a prayer..beautiful

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Read like a prayer, I like that.