Ep 2 - The Budget Cuts

Yeah, I know 🤣

And the worst part is that he started talking to the humans... I know he was practicing ventriloquism, but that guy he called Adam thought it was for real. I still don't know, if the Reaper was only making the energy efficient light bulb talk or if he made the rubber snake talk too, but how'd he make them talk at the same time, that's the real question.

I'll admit it was funny when he told the human about things that his species wouldn't have any idea about for millenia to come.

We discovered the placebo effect when he convinced the gal that those apples would make them smart.. and I guess we discovered that women do want smarter husbands, since she nearly choked Adam with that apple 😅
"eat it, you godforsaken dumb caveman, eat it!"
And he did, cuz he would have died otherwise.. And then they felt less hungry. What? Didcha think there's a magic fruit to let you know things that you can't otherwise comprehend? Ha! If that were true, I would have choked the Reaper on a basket of those. Anyway, I'm just moaning about that, cuz we originally bet he can't make them vegetarian...

That's not even the real problem, it's that we had to throw out all that dino stake I've been saving as pet food for the humans. Do you have any idea how expensive that stuff is? Like even on discount, one egg costs thirty six thousand mortal souls. Yea, the last time we fed the greedy little pests, eerrr... I mean, pets, we had to chop up bread into confetti and rain it down from behind a cloud so they wouldn't see us.. It's not that we're afraid of them, we just didn't want to encourage them to rely on us for everything, kind of defeats the purpose of their existence.


The wurst part is that these scientists are discovering evidence of all the mistakes we but mostly Reaper made... Like when we bet that if he dumped a load of sulphur on Mars, we'd create life, this time without having to draw all those elaborate blueprints... Or paying the water bill...

Yea, it didn't happen.. I told him it wouldn't work, and I'm glad. Because we made that dust ball as a point of reference for the humans, so they'd know what will happen to their planet... And them... I mean, I was supposed to say "What could happen" but let's be honest here for a minute, that's no longer a probability, it's going to happen.

I knew something was wrong when Adam 5689.0456 beta invented the wooden club... And remembered the memories of the other Adam, the one we tricked about the knowledge fruit, then this one decided to hit Eve in the head with his club and he said something like "That's for stealing my ribs!" in caveman language... I have to redact the rest, because it's R rated, for repetitive... Apparently cavemen liked to repeat the same words or sentences for dramatic effect... And also because you really don't want to see what happened next.. Well I guess you could Google pornhub and find out... Also because he was kind of hard to understand. I'm not sure if he said "water my monkey" or "swallow my... Uhhmm *redacted*"

I mean, I knew Reaper was cutting budget where he thought he'd get away with it but I knew in that moment, all my doubts were erased and I realized, he bought the cheapest language model for our human project. How does one man, enlightened enough to remember his former lives, not speak a more refined language, especially in the few moments he dares to question or blame his wife for something she didn't do?