Funny Stuff

Just a bunch of my brain farts that may or may not be funny. A little long

Life is full of mysteries I guess �" but then, there's no real mystery:
You get up, and try staying alive until you can go back to sleep again

Of course, I find all of our social habits amusing on some level. Especially civic customs, where you have a lot of details that seem important because at the same time no one can tell you what their significance is... And because there are a lot of them and all the others just seem to go along with them without question

Sure.. Once I tried to yell at someone to get their attention, I yelled their name and when they turned to face me, I just said "Nuffin, I'm just pwacticin youw name"

I can do these various English accents, including the ones where the letters W and R sometimes tend to be crossbred with V in pronunciations and that to me is a favorite, because that's how I imagined a typical New York schmuck would talk... "A little wvater' "
The apostrophe this time indicates the more dominant nature of the original ending letter, however, under careful scrutiny, we will discover subtle, villainous influences of the letter V 🤣🤣🤣🤣

That's another way to use exaggeration without exaggerating the subject, use excessive and completely unnecessary and sometimes counterproductive qualifiers, euphemisms and jargon. �" I mean, we have all these grotesque evasions, let's use em for something fun instead 😁

Yes, and then we can use that example for spokesman Job situations.

How to effectively repackage bad news so they don't seem so bad.

A couple of purely fictional examples

Reality: Prostitution is on the rise.
Spokesman: The number of female employees working in entertainment venues is goin’ up.

Reality: the city has a record number of rape victims; in one year surpassing the past two decades combined.

Spokesman: Men's libido is finally seeing some improvement after twenty years of near impotence.

🤣😂🤣

We could probably go on about it foreva' just by using this simple tactic..

But let's see the purely fictional yet almost plausible scenarios we can come up with.

In the late eighties, a Soviet fighter jet pilot encounters a woman flying alongside his plane on a broom..
So the guy asks: Sorry, lady.. Are you by any chance a witch?

And then the lady would say "No, sonny, I used to be a maid in Chernobyl"
🤣🤣🤣🤣


And then I also get kicks out of stupid laws…
Like getting fined if you left your alligator tied to a fire hydrant during lunch time.

That's almost like “It's forbidden to wear striped socks on Friday.” what is that? The fashion police struck again?


Of course.. That's just like when everyone gangs up on us comedians..
I feel that prejudice every day.

"No funny business."
"don't try nuffin funny"
"what are you? A comedian or someffin?"
From everyday folk to criminals..
🤣😂
You know I had a really humorous encounter with police at the airport in London

Well, my passport gave an error message on the scanner, and by the way, I know that these errors are programmed in, like slot machines, so the bored-of-his-life guy at the desk can feel like he's doing something when the machines tell us to seek assistance..
So I go to the desk, present my passport, he verifies it and then asks in this really jaded voice "where did you come from?"
And I, without missing a beat replied "The airplane."
You know, 🤣🤣 to my mind that was a really pointless question at an airport.. What do you expect to hear? Someone saying "I just got off the subway?" 🤣
Though his expression quickly betrayed he wasn't game, he wasn't on board with my wits and funny business..
So I immediately placated him by saying my city of origin and saying "I'm sorry."

So he let me by without incident.. This time… But he gave me that look, you know the kind that your local child abuse expert in church has when you misbehave during story time on Sunday? And I'm not talking about the guy in socks and sandals, but the guy with a kind of diplomatic immunity and fancy clothes…

He gives you that “Christ is watching you!” kind of look..and then you kinda stop and wanna ask “What's he gonna do? Fwogiwve me?”

Okay, that's enough politics for now.

My next piece…

It involves trying to navigate home when you're drunk and feeling sick and about ready to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill (vomit) because you played the chemistry professor at the bar, you know.. Logically it shouldn't matter how many kinds of alcohol you consume, it's all alcohol, there should be no logical consequence in mixing all the available alcoholic drinks in your body...

This theory makes even more logical sense after a few drinks.


But for some strange reason, reality doesn't match the theory... And this mixing will result in all kinds of physically sick feelings and loss of memory, partial loss of balance and loss of reliability of senses...
Now, some people say "loss of good judgment" that's nonsense. If you had good judgement you'd never do something so crazy in the first place...

But back to the topic...
So you're stumbling along the generally accepted boundaries of the street that you think will eventually, by some magic, lead you home...bumping and crashing into walls, trees, lamp and power poles, other folk, cars and ditches..

And then you run into a police officer... And your instinct kicks in, and you try pretending like you're not totally wasted... Only to realize, when he gets close enough, that he's a mailman because police officers don't usually have a yellow bicycle with them...

But he still scares you one more time by asking that dumb question that cops always ask you in these situations "are you okay?"
So I made it a habit to say "What do you think?" well, the drunken slang equivalent of that
🤣😂🤣😂

And let's not forget the convulsingly convulted use of convulsing language on purpose to make fun of that too in the same time... Because it's completely unrelated to this subject and I love random chaos.

�"🤣 It's like we need to destroy harmless and efficient statements too, just so we get enough practice for that handful of cases where this might be warranted..


Perhaps we should start a movement: "Against the Inordinate Utilization of Redundant Lexical Constructs."
We could even create a catchy acronym: "AURLLC" �" sounds quite imposing, doesn't it?
Imagine the impact! We could revolutionize communication by advocating for clear, concise, and efficient language.
Of course, we'd need a snappy slogan. How about: "Fight for linguistic minimalism! Embrace the power of brevity!"
What do you think?
(And yes, I realize I'm being a bit ironic with all this convoluted language. It's a bit of a meta-commentary on the very thing we're trying to combat.)


And that, essentially is pretty much the same as starting a petition between the illiterates 🤣😂🤣😂 X marks the spot..
The pencil is not a dental hygiene appliance, kindly stop chewing on it…

How about we make up a needlessly dramatic, purposely overkill slogan... Like "read it or die, as in go extinct"
Now that one's already taken but something similar would work.

"Think about how you're butchering the language we've all agreed on"

The rights for words movement marches on against our common enemy: pretentious c**k suckers.

Sentence structure and simplicity matters, lives do not.

Liberate the enslaved freedom of direct and honest language! And enslave all these f****n slave owners instead, huh? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 They're the ones who made me think up this goofy s**t in the first place.

How about.. For a controversial slogan, we use a sexist, male oriented one.. Just to piss off a lot of people. That'd be fun, huh? Not that it'd accomplish anything, I just want some mayhem. Maybe I'll even come up with a sophisticated way of stating that this is actually a deeply intellectual dilemma.

"Stop thinking with your smaller head" 🤣 that would be a lot of fun 🤣😂🤣 even though I'm not actually sexist. I attack everything and everyone in this way, even myself. No favoritism with me.



Well, next there's the root of the problem surrounding critical thinking and freedom of art. It has the potential to take away an undeserved support and empowerment from an incompetent system... And they're too busy thinking up ways to prevent that from happening… and they forget to earn our trust 🤣🙃 which by the way would be the easiest solution.. But that's not fun, we don't want that, we want things to be in motion, conflicting, dramatic.. Stillness is not a good idea. It has no future, it ain't goin’ anywhere.

A lack of realism is what the problem stems from.. We all want the credit for our merits and we all wish nobody notices when we goof up 😁🤣😂 but we do, and we have to accept it. We'll, actually we don't have to, because there's always gonna be some wisecrack schmuck like me to remind you of it 🤣 it's okay, it's normal. Instead of denial, correct the mistake and deal with the consequences. And what if you are exchanged by a different administration? The world does not stop for that, life doesn't go on pause, we still have to go to the bathroom... So what's the problem?, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣



I do have tips, for the average person, just practical tips to survive with the least amount of trouble...

Stay informed but don't choose any one team. You can always find a way to get along with all of them! It's a little like playing both sides.. With a twist: the realization that there are no sides, it's all a game of phrase turns and other linguistic disasters and abstract nightmares of mathematicians and philosophers. And these games filter down to regular folk who just want to have a decent life... And so we create these teams for ourselves.. Not because that will give us a decent life, no….
just because we can piss off the other teams! 🤣🤣🤣😂

How do we spread awareness?

Simple.
Spread fake news.

Say that this particular social movement has decided that all their members will jump into a well by their own choice. (yes, the same well)

That will get people to say "Wait a minute.. What?!"
They'll have good laugh too, especially when they realize that there might be members all around the globe? Or counting the 60,000 members, you soon suspect that they'll need one enormous well? And if they all wanna do it, why are those dozers on standby, behind the crowd?

You know, come to think of it, this was actually done before, in a similar kind of way, by a German guy with a funny mustache and one testicle. �"😂😂😂

On the off chance someone does jump into a well...

Well, he had problems.. Bad grades.. Girlfriend left him.. You can't save everyone, you're not Jesus. Stop living in the past! 🤣😂🤣
Okay, I'm purposely exaggerating and misusing these phrases because it's funny 🤣😂

The next time you meet one of those members on the streets, you can say “Weren't you supposed to be in a well? What happened? Chickened out? Or wait…” and at this point we experience serious doubt and suspicion..
“Could it be? Say it ain't so.. Could it be, there is no well?!”



See, many of us, sometimes we forget that humor is inherently meant to be politically incorrect. Because a lot of the funny stuff happens when these super dry and hypocritical ideas fail.

By the way, by definition… Politically Correct is a phrase like Civil War. Correctness leaves no room for politically biased ideas of and distorted concepts of ‘correctness’ we already have a system for that, it's called politics.
And war can be anything but Civil. �"🤣


That's why some people always look like they're constipated 🤣

It's true, they are deliberately trying to destroy and suppress their own nature and natural need for relief because some individual is too busy being self important to think outside of his or her bubble.
Get real, jack! We're all humans, we're all the same kind of creatures. You ain't special because you have some fancy verbal diarrhea based ideology, you're still human and nothing will change that..


And that is what people are afraid of.. When all their pretentiousness is still threatened by something that you can't logically ban altogether. Something direct that can reach anyone, just like that


Randomness…


Well here's one funny thing.

When people say "think positive"
I say "any number above zero"
They immediately look at me like I'm looney... But I'm just doing what they told me to. Any number above zero is a positive number 🤣🤪 and, any is a very inclusive word, so you can't even sue me for encouraging exclusionary mentality! 🤣


Sure.. Here's another..
When someone asks you to describe something in your own words...

And when you do, they don't seem to understand a single thing!

Because up to that point we used words we all use and afterwards one person used words that he probably just then came up with �"you gotta give him credit, especially since new words mean he needs to invent new grammar too!
🤣
Have you tried coming up with a new language while simultaneously translating a whole, coherent narrative from English into this yet undefined language that is entirely lacking any terms and convenient euphemisms and qualifiers and subject names? �"�"🤣🤣🤣It's not easy! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sure... Here's another...
When someone asks "what are your positive values?"

And on a side note I go "s**t, here we go again.. Repeating myself..."

Every once in a while, they get creative and try to be smart and say "what are your positive properties?"

And I stop to correct them "You mean traits. Properties are not specific enough in this context and it's a super sterile term we use in scientific and programming jargon. Sometimes. "
And then they just look at you really confused a moment and then repeat the same, incorrect question.
So I stop trying to be helpful and just go along...

"My date of birth consists entirely of numbers that contain no zeros and no numbers below zero. Save for the number ten, but since ten signifies a numerical value which is greater than any of the previous numbers, it is kinda like the zero in this new system... But it's not technically a zero. " by this time they'll be completely lost and start laughing whether they understood or not 🤣😂🤣😂


Of course, I find a lot of things amusing.

How do atoms commune?

They resonate really well 🤣🤣

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The previous life form from which the chicken evolved. .. And before this question, came the person who thought it was a deep question to ask 🤣


Sure..

Whenever they ask what do you think, why is this happening or why is that happening or why do we do this thing or that thing?

And I just respond "because... Why not?”


Naturally.

There is this question...
Do you believe in God?

So I ask a question in return.
"Believe, how exactly? Believe he exists? Believe in him the same way soccer moms yell from the seats in the stadium: go son, I believe in you! Or do you mean that as some kind of question I should use to undermine my own statement when I answer any of these questions, in a way asking "do you really, truly believe?" "

And sometimes I take it further...
If your personal logic and comprehension is convinced of the reality of a god, then does that qualify as belief or simply claiming to know something which we cannot prove?
And is it just me or does it seem like we have a bigger issue with language constraints in this case than the actual question and it's answer?

And of course I have to add to that the follow up question...questioning my own statement.. Reality.

Saying you believe God is real... Can mean that to you, the simple fact that a concept exists in thought is justification enough to say that the thing we formed this concept of is real. So as long as anyone knows the word 'God' that's enough to prove God exists.


Of course, by this logic we can also say that the boogeyman, werewolves, vampires, ghosts, demons, zombies, giants, rights, gods, goddesses, titans, daemons, the sandman and justice... Are also all real, because we have a concept of them.


But in a twisted kind of way, philosophy actually allows to say that existing as an abstract idea is enough to say that the 'thing' in question is real...
So again, we seem to be stuck in logical loophole nightmares here �"🤣🤣🤣



Sure. Adopt a dog or cat from an animal shelter and spend more of your free time with them.
Trust me, animals are incredibly grateful for even the simplest things in life and some of that will rub off on people.. Along with the tons of shed cat fur.

I have a hyperactive cat 🤣 he's a real goofball and the primary reason I figured out that not everything has to mean something 🤣

Yea, I call him "cat" sometimes kitty. Because he takes after me, and he's a little fruity himself 🤣 hahaha

Sure.. He learned my schedule early on. First thing I really noticed after the first week of him growing up, and only occasionally acting crazy... Is that he's always watching everything and always taking notes. He knows when I wake up, when I go to take a bath, when I'm handling food.. And he learnt to get along without getting in the way... Too much. �"
I also noticed that cats are for lazy people... You don't have to actually pet them, just let them see your hand nearby and they'll do all the work themselves and still be happy about it 🤪😆🤣🤣🤣


. It's when he gets spooked by thunderstorms. I know that I'd be a lot smarter, fearing wild, uncontrollable sparks of potentially lethal strength currents too... But I'm human and I want a little danger in life.. Not Cat. He jumps and leaps from standing still to three feet straight up every time there's a loud 'boom' in the sky


Well, the vacuum cleaner seems to elicit a similar reaction 🤣😂

And in me it brings out my inner Carlin and I ask..

Well, what exactly.. Is.. A vacuum cleaner?
Do you have a maid or janitor in a space of vacuum to sweep up tacions? Or quantum fluctuation residue? �"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yea.. How did we get to the perverted meaning of sandwiched? Besides, to me that sounds like people got tired of the usual thrown ammunition selection of tomatoes and eggs and decided to throw sandwiches.

But we never really say "tomatoed" or "egged" to describe these charming human habits of civil argument over important subjects 🤣😂

Here's another one
Fist fight.

I never actually saw any fists fighting other fists, have you �" it's always fists plunging into a particularly ugly face, trying to rearrange its features. Or chests and backs.. 🤣


Space travel.

That is sort of like saying the same thing twice. Well, almost. “close proximity” and other dumb things like that will highlight what I mean.

Of course I understand there seemed to be no logically more appealing word for "space" as in the space hosting this watery mud ball we live on.. I mean if they said 'vacuum travel' now I'd never let them forget that one.. Screw the janitor trying to curtail quantum fluctuation residue redundancy, these people actually put a bus in there so they can hold their breath while traveling through vacuum 🤣😂


And when the universe clearly deprives a part of our surrounding environment of all the necessary things for our survival, such as in space.. Doesn't that seem like the fence in the zoo that's supposed to separate us from the other animals? 🤣😂🤣😂


Of course, since we're obviously not supposed to be there, that means that we just gotta go there as soon as we can.

We're fascinated by the things we are told not to do. That's why kids smoke and drink until they get old enough from which point no one's prohibiting anymore and then most of them quit cuz it's not fun anymore 🤣 not me, I'm a man of deeper conviction and faith invested in our various, artificial ideologies centered on self-destruction.


I betcha anything, if we had a bunch of "stay positive" t-shirt wearing aliens up there, cheering us on to continue exploring and doing research... We would have stopped development at the stage where we can dump our trash into orbit and said "Ay, green tentacle schmucks, ‘merica says: f**k you"

Of course dumping our waste in orbit would be a miracle solution against global warming. Think about it, it's a win win.. No trash here, no harmful sunlight... But also no sunlight at all.. No satellites either. �" Good, maybe now people won't want to invest in a lawn mower with a GPS system and call it smart choice 🤣😂🤣😂


And of course our tendency to solve problems by exchanging them for bigger and worse problems hahaha

Yea, it's evident especially with sexual desires..
"Geez hon, I could really get laid now. I gotta solve this tent problem in my pants!"
So the couple gets down to it and the problem is exchanged for a bigger one because now they have successfully conceived, out of carelessness, another poor schmuck for this planet to bear🤣😂🤣😂


Shirley, we've gotta be the entire topic and content of alien's documentary films. Screw time travel, by comparison to us, that makes easy sense.

Can you imagine them sneaking around in cloaking devices and narrating various human behaviors to horrified but also morbidly intrigued audiences on distant planets?

"And here we can observe the most profitable pastime humans have come up with. War." 🤣😂🤣😂

And then the most fun pastimes "sitting around a room thinking up reasons to kill each other and reasons we should hate each other.. And then Crafting up a counterproductive language that poses as the solution to these problems that we have created in the first place and are now trying to fix by creating more of it and repacking the old merchandise in new shiny wrappers. "

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂



I think we'd end up ruining other civilizations simply by giving them low quality content wrapped up as high quality entertainment.....

By the time we'd be advanced enough to travel to their home world and make contact, they'd be a mirror image of what we are... Then we'd run back home 🤣😂🤣😂
That's if we're lucky.


You know what I want to see? The first, manned mission to Mars or some other planet, ending in an alien brandishing a laser shotgun, wearing a cowboy hat and boots, chasing astronauts back to the ship and yelling "Get the hell off ma lawn!" 🤣😂🤣🤣

Manned… Now there's a funny, sexist, politically incorrect term we can purposely misunderstand to our heart's content. I don't think I need to detail most of my thoughts on this �" you're getting used to my convoluted thinking by now, if you've made it all the way here.




Yea.. I wonder, when these ufo things come here to pick up cows... What goes through the minds of the drivers... Why cows? Why abduct them? Is it a crime to be doing what they are always doing? Standing around, looking dumb and eating grass?

Would they abduct a human in a funny tinfoil hat, an emotionally disturbed expression and crossed eyes? Or do I also have to chew grass? 🤣😂🤣🤣

And by the way... How can it be an unidentified flying object if there is a pilot? Shirley, the pilot at least knows what he's driving? You know, he might have a vague idea if it's more like a car and less like a truck... �"🤣🤣🤣




It pisses me off when in a movie, we go to a different world and refer to the creatures living there as "aliens"
Bullshit, we're the f****n aliens now 🤣 and why is it that we somehow seem normal to them, but they always seem weird to us?

And why do we assume aliens would bother learning English, when we came up with it and yet some of us are still having trouble mastering even --->it's←- basic use �"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣



Alien bus driver called Dave who thinks he's a white privileged guy who is still trying to figure out where and what his privileges are... And just what metric to use when measuring his never ending work cycle of just driving to and fro all day until he gets to retire, let his beer belly hang even lower and go fishing on Neptune while he's tossing a beer can out the bus window into the galaxy's garbage disposal system: the black hole �" or will they call it "dark side of the moons’ hole" because black is offensive thanks to some idiot humans down here, and remember… we've infected them with our grotesque, euphemisms 😂🤣😂

I dunno.. Maybe we should ask Dave. �" His favorite line is probably "I don't give a s**t"
And well... That's probably obvious from our use of this fine language when we say "I'm gonna take a s**t"

We like to take other people's s**t 🤣😂🤣🥴 that explains a lot of mysteries 🤣😂😂☺️



While we're correcting and fixing things that aren't broken...
Let's examine the incorrect names of celestial bodies... Red dwarf.

Holy cow! We not only negatively portray a rare birth defect but we're already making assumptions about the far removed political extreme this poor star belongs to. A communist dwarf 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I mean, let's fix that because we don't have any real problems to deal with anymore.. 🤣🤣

Let's say "That rainbow star that prefers the red spectrum of colors for its light and happens to be smaller than the rest of its kind..”


Here's a perverse one..
Wormhole 🤣 I could probably write an essay on this one.

"Well, what exactly is a wormhole?" are we talking about one of the worms' private but specific bodily openings? Because we really shouldn't... Or are we referring to the hole in which we found that particular worm?

And how do we know it was a worm anyway, are we all biologists? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

And why is it 🤨when we see a wormhole in a sci-fi movie, we never actually see the worm? �" I'll tell you why, because these are the sneaky ways they're cheating you on your entertainment dollar too 🤣🤪

It's like watching a gay couple having intercourse without either of them inserting their worms instead they're just talking about it 🤣😂🤣😂


Hyperspace.

You know what that brings to mind? Three or better yet… Two disgruntled and hyperactive coordinate axes, X and Z trying to figure out where they are by running around a two dimensional dot and screaming Y.. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣�'�Yes, cuz with the addition of Y you now have three coordinate axes. (in case you missed that class in grade school)


And then there's another… birthday.
Well, what if I was born at night �"🤣🤣🤣🤣 just in case the dark nature of my intellect wasn't indication enough.


And what if the sun worshippers suddenly became all funky with language games too and decided to hold a sun celebration at night, because hey, the moon is just the sun at night 🤣😂🤣😆


And what really gets to me is that if you look back at our evolution... We killed every important figure who advocated for peace and equity since before the time of Jesus, then Jesus too and all these other people since... And we actually found ways to feel good about killing the son of God and convinced ourselves it's okay. It's part of the plan 🤣🤣🤣

Author's Note

Yadadada

Reviews

[SJ Mullins]

I wish my best male friend were still alive. I would direct him straight to his entry. He could have written it! I think you two would have hit it off splendidly. Sadly, I lost him four years ago to leukemia. Thanks for this. It’s like having a little piece of David back.

[Dennis Wolf]

Thank you for reading 😁 Yea, this isn't my best stuff, but hey, it works.. Well, some of it does. Cheers