the space between my dreams and reality.

this a true story.

THE SPACE BETWEEN MY DREAM AND REALITY

Life can really surprise you, the moment you think that you got it all in your hands it just slips right through your fingers and without noticing you find your hands empty with just the little bit to show that there was something in but you cannot use it to make the best of both situations.

 

It was supposed to be a day of celebration, a day of making new memories but instead it all come down to her knees as she was told.  Dhike was an ambitious young girl with big dreams to live life to the fullest. She gave her heart away with smiles and people welcomed her openly but there was something in between her dreams and reality.  Though she tried very hard to keep smiling, we always knew that there was sadness behind that beautiful bright smile.  It was an ever fixed mark of unhappiness and nothing could shake it out of her mind.  Never did she try to deal with it but instead she bottled everything until the bottle was ran over by her emotions.  Everybody knew her as the happy girl who never lets people destroy her happiness but that day we were caught with our mouths wide open.  The fire of the pain burst her heart out and she was left with pieces of an untamed heart.

It was June 24 2007 a beautiful Sunday which promoted the heart out to church. A day which was made for those with heartache to forget their sorrows and look at the brightly shinning sun of a winter day.  As I left the house the three months old baby was left with my father while the mother was on her treatment for a better health to live out to the old age for her children.

As I went up the mountain road, my father called out to me and I went back as fast as possible for it was the time to go and see the mother.  Questions were asked but answers given were irrelevant due to the fact that the father was almost happy that she is dying well at least that’s what I thought.  Drove all the way from Thabazimbi to Alexander to see how the mother of the children was; as I went in the house I found her roaring with pain and in her eyes pain was all one could see though she wanted to hide the pain but throughout the eyes of a child who does not understand I knew what was happening.  As they drove they took her to Bara Hospital but she was denied help for her situation was complex and were afraid that she might not make it.  Drove again to Links field clinic where she got admitted in to maintenance. Drips were injected in her body to support water and blood circulation, as they explained to her tears flowed down her cheeks and left a crooked path along the fleshy cheeks.  Her mother took a smile to those who were around her and never asked how her children were doing.  Along the way the mother knew that she was not going to live long for the soul in her body was no longer as active as before.  The doctor asked them to live so she can rest for her body was dehydrated.  June 25 we went to see her but this time it was me, father and the three months old baby all going to see mother but when we got to the maintenance ward we found nobody on the bed, the bed as made up and there was no sign of life.  Closed my eyes and tears of sadness filled my eyes, as they flowed down my father held me by the hand I could feel in his hands that fear was in his heart though the face looked happy.  A doctor saw us as we stood there unshakably without any sound of words, she asked what we wanted and eagerly my father did not waste time but told her that we were looking for the woman who was admitted last night.

As she looked in my eyes holding my little brother in my arms she told us that she is in a critical condition that could take life.  As we walked along the empty souled rooms there were smells of medicine that gave me the kink to explore my mind to the unseen world of death.   Go to the door where patients were fighting for their lives before we could enter the  doctor said            “if only you had brought her early before this situation worsen she could’ve be saved but right now we don’t know whether she will make it or not for her heart has expanded it is way bigger than a normal human heart that is why she lost so much blood and water”. My father and I got in but I was told to go out to protect the baby against germs.

With pain as I’m deprived the chance to see my mother I saw myself out and waited patiently for my turn to come.  Fell asleep right in front of the door nobody said anything to me until that same doctor came and told me to go sit in the waiting room.  Went in the room put my brother on the couch and we both fell asleep from the tiring waiting.  Finally my father came back and this time the mood was all changed but then I did not see it.  She asked (the doctor) “are this her children?” my father said “yes and the young one is only three months old”, after that he wiped tears from his eyes.  My mind was all on what had happened in that room, why aren’t I told about her situation? We took the baby and then went out the door but throughout the movement my heart was all so happy for I came so close to seeing my mother but then I didn’t for I was told I were to see her tomorrow.  Eventually a load was lifted off my shoulders, I praised and thanked and gave my little brother a smile and saw that the problems which a child goes through in life were going to be solved as my mother was spared another lifetime.  Got home to my aunt’s workplace, while watching a soapie my father comes to me and tell me “my child mmago o re tlogetse”, I could not believe what he was telling me for when we left the clinic he told me that we were going to see her again tomorrow.  He then told my aunt and she started crying and I was just sitting on the bed without believing what had happened.  Tears filled my heart and they just flowed down and sobbed like a baby who wants a bottle of milk.  My head was all in pain and my heart was almost about to break for the pain I felt none of them felt.  Called my sister and told her about what had happened and in her voice I could hear the disappointment of a child who looked up to a mother who loved whole heartedly, then told her not to tell anyone until they announced the news to them for I was scared that I might have heard the wrongs things.

Family members gathered around, some it was the first time seeing them.  After that the thought that she passed on hits me and found my dreams bursting to the sea.  Went home to talk more about the burial conflicts aroused and they were quarreling each other with me listening to them. After a week 31 June she was laid to rest, as the coffin went down the hole a part of me tried to stop it from going down for still believed that she was not dead that they are burying her alive. Before we bury her she was brought home a day before her burial so we can be with her for the last time to say our last goodbyes but that was not enough for there was not much she can reply to as she was as cold as ice.  The morning of the burial, the children were asked to come and have a look at their mother for the last time, as we looked at her emotions flew higher than before.

Took her to the cemetery where a place for her rest was already built and prepared. As the pastor prayed my emotions flew high and held my twin brother’s hand for he was the closest picture to my mother.  We both sobbed poorly for our mother but there was nothing she can do but in spirit our cries broke her down for it was the last time we see her close to touch.

As they filled the hole with the soil my heart got very angry for I did not want them to close the hole as the pain in my heart would not go away.  After the ceremony was finished a chance to say our final goodbye was given us but through it all I knew that angels have wings and they fly above us all the time.  The pain in my heart took me to new streams of hope and new dreams were made from those which were almost but not almost lived. The space between my dreams got even bigger than what I had thought. Dreams which were dreamt were cancelled but running around the room like a lost puppy dug the void deeper for the tears I cry none could wipe.

After the funeral all was well but in my mind the whole funeral was just another movie which I watched when I was at my father’s hometown with the family. Got home and prepared for school, as I came back from school I did the usual thing of shouting out her name when I’m about to reach the gate but then after a few calls it came to my mind that she is gone and she is not coming and I saw my life flashing through my eyes and the value of my life become nothing.

Weeks after the burial discovered that my father had actually killed my mother so he can have all the insurance money to himself.  He told the doctor to switch off the breathing machines which were helping her to live, but due to the fact that he knew his mistakes before she could be admitted he saw this an opportunity to take to escape jail.  Before she could be hospitalized they were supposed to go to court to discuss the matter of stealing but then the poor mother laid a charge that took her life away and left her children crying out for love.

Since the truth was revealed it took me time to forgive my father though we lived together my heart was always after him.  To think that he is the man who took care of me from an early age my heart cried to the hope that drifts by.  When I think about it, I know that there was no bond between the two, the more I think about it the less I want to table it to share. Tried to reach out to you but you disappeared through the dark valleys of the night.  Though you are the father that gave life to me I find it very hard to forgive without judging.  From the moment of true feelings I closed the chapter of pains and began a chapter that revolved around the pains I felt as a young woman without the motherly love, closed my heart out to those who cared and opened gates for vultures to destroy.

“I always thought that running away from the problem would make everything much better for my life but then my dreams wrecked reality to my eyes.  I’m getting confused; I don’t know where my life is going.  My spirit floated out of my heart and now there is no peace for me left in this world.  Living life without mother is terrible and I wonder if I’ll get the chance to see again or maybe God might let me hear her voice again as she sing “ Lona ba ratang ho phela”,  life is not fair.”

The days passed as we comforted her over her loss. She healed herself in the pain and the pain she carried idolized her mother’s brave spirit.  Nobody knew what was going on in her mind as she was never too open about the figures of her life.  The situations become an uncontrolled systems of empty promises to a heart of a soulless creature.  A bopa boka sa tau ya tshadi ngwana wa ditshwene.  Thought she had made a success of mher life but then life’s start of ambition was of a troubled heart.

There she stands with her hands folded so hard to suppress the pain without a doubt I knew what she was going through.  I pulled my hands to reach out to her but I was just a shadow over her life.

Revealed to her was a life without the purpose to be lived and that created a barrier without trust.  Pressure was hidden beneath her soul though she tried her best to hide her way out of the dark cold room but the creatures of the dark always knew where to find her for she was of pure heart and hard to defeat but the one who is a coward tried to destroy her energy but cowardly taking the ones close to her heart.  Her human essence held on tight over a thousand times nothing said to her was able to dry her eyes; she was fragile and broken for there was nothing to live for in the future. Staring in the mirror tears fill her eyes as it reveals what has been left behind.

Since she has been gone there is no line between right and wrong for the young child. To her life become a story to be lived making the most out of it for the one thing that empowered her was taken away.  For once in lifetime my dreams were all so ready to be lived but through the power of the one Above you have to appreciate what has been given.  They after depression comes pain, though she hide what she was going through the pain of it grew old and the wound never healed as she always finds a way to open it herself without noticing.  The pain she bore always destroyed the happiness within her heart. Yet another beautiful day given to us is not well spent because the moments of yesterday destroy the moments of the future which lies ahead of us.  Through the pain she experienced only a mystery will solve after the end of life.

Author's Note

its not well written, still needs to be edited, but pls tell me wat you think of it.