Her heart still ached. Her thoughts ran crazily through her head. She couldn’t hold one thought down long enough to work. Those last words echoed in her head “I thought we were going to grow old together” That’s what she wanted. She wanted to grow old together with someone, someone who loved her. But she hadn’t quite thought he was ready for that. Through their relationship, she half thought it was all just some game, some game to get her to surrender herself.
They never had sex, though she had the most satisfying nights with him. He dug deep into her soul and caught her off guard. She thought back to the nights she spent with him. They didn’t go out and party, no they didn’t go anywhere further than her couch. They sat there for hours talking in each other’s arms. She had never felt this natural with any man. She didn’t know it was possible. She told him about her marriage and the hopelessness she felt. She told him of the many times her husbands failing fidelity had affected her. She also told him how she couldn’t be unfaithful to her husband that she couldn’t be like him. Even though in her heart she knew, she was already unfaithful to him. She tried to convince herself that she was better than him. That she wasn’t going to have sex, she wasn’t like him. Yet, she knew. She knew she was already unfaithful, just like her husband had been.
Landon told her that he had never seen someone as beautiful and amazing as her. He couldn’t under stand how Seth didn’t love her. He couldn’t understand how he could hurt such a flower, such a precious woman. She was not a woman that is easy to come by. And he was falling, falling fast for her. He had never thought of breaking up a happy home. But, he reasoned, this wasn’t a happy home. She is miserable. Maybe it wasn’t his place to decide, or to save her but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to make her happy. He knew at this moment he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted to grow old with her.
She had work to do. She had jobs to order, customer appointments she had to be prepared for. But her face was red, her eyes swollen. She just wanted to take the day off. But she couldn’t. “What would Seth think? Or do?” she thought to herself. No, she couldn’t leave. She just would have to pretend to be strong. She didn’t understand why this was so hard for her. She always was able to pretend after Seth’s lashings. She was always able to pretend she was happy. But now she couldn’t. She lost the only thing that made her happy.
It’s the right thing. Those thoughts kept running through her head. Why? Why was it the right thing to do? Her morals. She had grown up to believe that a marriage is a sacred institution. It is something that is not to be taken lightly. It is something that takes work. You must work at it, and try to be happy, no matter what. No, that’s not true. Infidelity was something that was the ultimate sin. She grew up believing that when you have infidelity in the marriage it is acceptable to get a divorce. Yet here she was still married to a man that had never known the meaning of fidelity. She was still with him. Why?
That question goes through her mind all morning. Why? Why is she still with Seth? Why didn’t she just leave him for Landon? Some other answers come up into her mind.
Security. She had been married to Seth for 6 years. They had a house together. They had 6 years of life together. How can she just throw that all away? She didn’t want to face the idea of her world turning upside down if she left him. Yes, she had a job, well paying one. It wasn’t like she couldn’t survive by herself financially. But she didn’t think she could handle the consequences of leaving her husband. She was safe for the most part in her life she was in. If she left him, he would go crazy. He’d lose it.
She shook her head… no, that would not be good. She remembered all the threats as to what would happen if she left him. Seth scared her, and she knew he wanted that. He wanted her to have the fear that she had of him. He liked striking that fear in other people, but he loved it when she was scared of him. His perverse satisfaction worked. Her fear kept her from leaving him.
Pride. That was another reason she couldn’t leave. That would just mean that she is a failure. That she obviously didn’t try hard enough to work on their marriage. She’d have to admit to her parents that she was wrong and they were right. They were right to think that this man she married wasn’t good for her, in fact that he was a horrible selection. That she made a horrible mistake. She was a prideful woman. She didn’t like admitting she was wrong. She could to herself but not to anyone else. No, she was a strong woman that doesn’t make mistakes. She is smart woman that would never do anything wrong. Pride held her down to this marriage.
Guilt. She thought of leaving Seth before but never did. Why? She loved him; at least she did love him. Now she knew that she didn’t care about him, she didn’t love him anymore. She hasn’t love him for the past year, but she still stuck around. <I>Now</I> that another man in her life, she wants to leave him. She couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt that the only reason why she would leave her husband, was to be with another man. How could she live with the guilt that would bring her? She was already feeling guilty with imagining her life with that man.
All these reasons were why she couldn’t leave. She just couldn’t. That wouldn’t be the right thing to do. Still she sat at her desk wondering what to do. Wondering if she should run up to Landon and tell him that she will leave her husband. But the guilt and pride was so strong. What would people think? When she leaves her husband for another man. Oh and Seth would make himself appear to be the hurt one.
“Poor Seth,” that’s what everyone would think. “How could Cali do that?” “How could she leave him for another man?”
Those thoughts circle through her head. Her heart ached. She hadn’t been this happy in years; she tries to remember when she was ever happy with Seth. She couldn’t remember. It just isn’t the same. Not the same what she is feeling with Landon. But still she doubts it.
“Maybe it is my fault” she thinks to herself. “Maybe I failed Seth. Maybe I caused him to in unfaithful. Did I try hard enough?”
Maybe she should try harder. That’s the solution that comes to her mind now. Maybe she should try to fall back in love with Seth, have him fall back in love with her. But she didn’t know how. He was always angry with her.
The phone rings. She looks on the caller ID. She recognizes Seth’s number. She doesn’t want to talk to him. Yet, she answers the phone.
“This is Cali, Can I help you?”
“Cali its Seth” his voice was short and sharp. “Did you tell him? Did you end it?”
“Yes Seth I did”
“What did you say?”
That was something that always irritated Cali. She hated it when Seth would drill her for a word by word detailed conversation. He would do that with everyone and anyone she talked to. She didn’t say anything.
“You have feelings for him don’t you?” Seth asked, his voice growing angry.
Her heart fell; she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to make Seth mad, after what happened last night she couldn’t afford to make him mad. Her body couldn’t handle it again. “No I don’t. He got mad. Landon got mad.” She lied. She didn’t know what else to say.
“Fine” Seth said right before he hung up on her.
She hated him. She had grown to hate the man she married. The one she was supposed to love through thick and thin, for better or for worse. She hated him still she stayed with him.
Her heart continued to ache.
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