Chapter 15

 

 

I was up early the next day, and everyone still slept. Now that I knew my way, I walked down to the lake. I was headed to the pier, to sit and think, in the quiet, but then, abandoned the idea for Ava’s gazebo. When I got out there, I found that I wasn’t the only one up early. 

“Good morning. I can leave if you’d like to be alone.” Desi offered. She had been running, and was taking a break. I shook my head. 

“I’ll just go over to the pier.” I turned to head back over. I could almost hear her rolling her eyes as she stood up.

“Jaylen, seriously, how long do we have to do this? Bailey is just going to have to accept that you and I will eventually speak, we’ll still love each other; it’s okay, I mean, you are marrying her.” Her words were hard. “This avoiding me s**t is stupid.” 

“Sorry that you think I’m avoiding you because of Bailey.” I shot back, and laughed angrily. I always surprised myself with this underlying anger that sprung forth at random moments. “It’s not her. I just don’t want to talk to you.” Desi sighed. 

            “Are you just trying to be hurtful, or what? Because you know that’s not true.” She started after me, and I changed directions, headed down an unfamiliar path. “Why are you always running, Jaylen?” The question was more of a statement, an accusatory one. I stopped walking, and turned to face my accuser. 

            “Isn’t that what you were doing? Running away?” I asked pointedly. I turned away from her and started walking again. Desi grabbed my arm, and when I wouldn’t stop, she walked next to me. 

            “Jaylen, this isn’t how we’re supposed to be. This is stupid.”

            “It is.” I agreed, continuing to walk, looking down at my feet, and her feet next to mine. “What’s the point in changing things? We were both fine without the other for two years, Desiree.” 

            “Now, you know that’s not true. Not at all.” She was right. It hadn’t been true. Those years of unsettled mornings, waking up wondering where I was, my having to be comforted to know that I was okay, I was safe. I kept walking, faster, not talking, and Desi kept my stride. “Jaylen.” She said after a long pause. “Jay. This is crazy. You’re going to marry her, and you won’t even talk to me. Is this how things will be forever?” I finally stopped walking, and looked around. We were in unfamiliar territory; neither the lake nor the house was anywhere in sight. Majestic trees towered all around us and streaks of sunlight cracked through the cloaking branches. I looked at her. 

            “I don’t know. I don’t see the point in having you in my life anymore. I don’t see why you want me in your life, to be honest. All we do is hurt each other.” Desi’s face twisted into a wry smile that wasn’t a smile at all. 

            “You hurt me because I hurt you. I got it. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, and I don’t think that you want to hurt me anymore. I forgive you. Have you ever forgiven me?”

            “Have you ever asked?” I snapped. I took a breath. I sounded angry. I didn’t want to sound angry. 

            “No. I haven’t.” Desi’s voice was soft. I looked back down at our shoes, and saw hers approaching me. She stopped and I could feel her breath on me when she said, “Jaylen, please forgive me. I’m so sorry that I took you for granted.” I exhaled. I think I had been waiting for that moment for years, and now it was here. I took a deep breath and exhaled again. I took one step back, away from her, and then looked at her.

            “Yes. I forgive you. I always have, so why should this situation be any different?” The anger cropped up again. She looked at me sternly.

            “This time, you’re not the martyr, Jaylen. You’re not the faithful little girlfriend at home while I’m out doing wrong. This time, we’re forgiving each other; that’s the difference. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Jay; I want to make you happy. I want to support you and help you do whatever you want to do. It’s the least I could do for all you’ve done for me.” 

I started to walk, and she walked with me. The walk was less frantic. I could look at her and my heart wouldn’t feel as if it were beating out of my chest.  

            “I don’t want you to do anything for me, Desi, except for let me be.” 

            “The one thing that I always knew about you is when you were lying. You were so good at it; you wouldn’t even know when you were lying to yourself.” Desi laughed. “You’re lying to yourself right now. Maybe you don’t love me anymore. Maybe you don’t want me, but I don’t think you want Bailey. I know that you love her, but are you really going to marry her?”  

            “Ugh!” I scoffed. “This is bullshit. What sort of f*****g agenda do you and Liz have with this s**t? I can’t ever be with you, Desiree. It’s over. It’s so over we need a new word for over. I can’t get past it, any of it!” I yelled at her. True to form, Desi remained calm.

            “You don’t want to.” She sighed.

            “Who are you to ask me to get over any of this? I said I forgave you, and that’s it. I don’t have to forget. I’ll never forget.” I swore. 

            “You don’t have to forget.” Desi’s voice had a tinkling laugh in it. I hated when she sounded so glib and carefree when I was infuriated. It was infuriating. “I don’t want you to. I won’t either. If we don’t remember, how we will know what not to do the next time?” 

            “Desi, what is your point? Are you saying you want me back? What?” I demanded. I stopped and looked at her again, and she looked serious.

            “I’m saying that you never left. I never left. Regardless of who was in our lives, we still thought of each other, you were still in my heart, and I was still in yours.” I hated her confidence, the sureness in her voice. “I’m saying that if you go through with this marriage, you’ll be making a mistake. And I’ll forgive you again, Jaylen. I forgave you for a lot, and even though it will hurt, I’ll forgive you again.” Tears streamed down her face. “I can’t say that I’ll be waiting, because I have to stop waiting. I have to stop thinking of you, especially if you’re planning on moving on with your life. But I can’t not say what I really mean anymore. I still love you. I’m still in love with you. I know you still love me, and I think you’re still in love with me. You helped me get my life on track, to not make a lot of bad decisions that would have ruined everything. I think it’s my turn to help you not make a bad decision that would ruin everything.” 

            “Everything was ruined.” I said slowly. “And now, I’m trying to make it right. I’m trying to live my life.”

            “So, just say you don’t love me anymore.” Desi challenged, and I could hear her calmness was fleeting. She was usually very even tempered, but was growing angry. “How can you live your life knowing you love someone and knowing they love you back, but not giving them a chance to make things right?” I started walking away. “Jaylen, stop this f*****g running. I was the runner, not you. You stayed. Why the f**k are you running now?” Desi yelled at me. 

            “You should be able to tell me. You are the expert.” I astonished myself with my composure. “I’m leaving. I need to go back.” I started walking. She pursued.

            “Tell me you don’t love me anymore, Jaylen. Just tell me that so I can be done.” I faced her. 

            “Is that all you need?” I sneered. “I don’t love you anymore, Desiree.” I said. She grimaced. 

            “Mean it.” She said. I looked down. “I know you don’t mean it, so why say it?”

            “You didn’t mean a lot of the things you did, according to what you’re telling me now, so why did you do them?” I retorted. I started back down the path. 

            “D****t, Jaylen, this isn’t a tit for tat, this is our lives!” Desi yelled. I whirled around this time.

            “You don’t think I know that? This s**t is patently unfair, what you’re doing. It’s too f*****g much. Just leave me the hell alone, Desiree! I need time to myself to think. I have to get back. Just, please, go the other way, and leave me alone.” Her lips pursed, and she looked as if she would cry again. I still hated to see her cry. I turned away. 

            “Okay.” She agreed after a pregnant pause. “I’ll see you later.” I turned around and started to walk away, still listening for her shoes crunching against the forest floor in the opposite direction. 

Reviews

[D1218]

Maybe Jaylen and Desi Should be together...
And Lacy and Bailey...

[Shellie]

I dont agree with the use of swearing, your trying to make the dialogue realistic and your doing just that, without the swearing esp in the heat of anger it just would not work at all. Realistically people do swear esp when infuriated and exasperated and I think losing that would lose the heat of anger.

[Charles D. Moorer]

I have read a lot of work on the Cafe, and I have to tell you that your writing is exceptional. Your dialog is crisp; and as a reader, I am immediately pulled into the drama of the characters. My one and only complaint is the cursing. I am not a prude. But I do think there are other literary devices that you can use to avoid the profanity. Excellently written and for the most part flawless dialog. Some minor punctuation errors.