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A Story by lala

this is non-fictional, I am just writing down my thoughts, you could call it a diary in a way :) I am a 19 year old student in germany, who still lives with her family. My family migrated from turkey

I feel ridiculous while I`m writing because I feel watched. But then again it can help with continously practising my english as I no longer watch Tv shows, run a blog regularly or read in english. So f**k it I am going to wrirte it`s not like anyone is going to read it anyway.

This won`t be structured. I just walked in to a warm house and my mother on the phone, cursing about me and insulting me. She was talking to my brother who apparently got mad about my mobile phone being turned off due to a lack of battery for like half an hour on my way home. I got home 30 minutes after my phone died. My mother saying the usual things, complaining about me going outside, especially going outside and not coming home till 21:50 on a holiday day. Yesterday a friend of me told me that he was only allowed to stay outside till 10 when there`s school the next day and till 12 when there is not. He is allowed to sleepover and then stay out as long as he wants though but he doesn`t live at home. He is 19 just like me and it got to me. I havo to promise to myself that I am going to be honest, completly honest while writing this but I wont use names. I got up this morning, spend the morning with my brother and mother which is very stressful as they yell and fight ALL the time, every word they exchange is full of disrespect. My throat hurts but I still interfere with a yell every now and then. It is hard for me to admit my own mistakes and misbehaviours but I`ll try. Yeserday I roughly covered my mother`s mouth with my hand to make her shut up and sent her upstairs to cook the spinach. She was bitching about EVERY little thing and I had to bear her and my brother all day long till evening. I did not apologize yet. My mom loves me and there are quite many times she is friendly to me and I am to her but she doesn`t like me going out in the evening at all. That is the very only thing she doesn`t like about me and perhaps cleaning my room but thats it. So where was I..my day..

I went to the grocery with my mom I want to take her out as much as possible but it is not as easy anymore. I was gonna go downtown with her but she refused to come since her foot was hurting and all. And it is winter so we can not go to parks. I often tell myself „I am gonna spend that day with my mom“ but I often postpone it. Anyway I had to buy some groceries to cook something. My mom helped me and I cleaned the house a little because my sister was on her way home all the way from a trip to turkey. My brother was laying on the couch and refused to move. He does not have a job and I told him to help me clean but he wouldn`t. He then got up a bit later and didn`t do much, just brought some glasses to the kitchen and stuff but it calmed me down. Just before he did that we „argued“ (the argument was an exchange of like 5 sentences so) about me being out late last night (I got home at like quarter past twelve and a friend drove me home I usually always lie about being driven home but this time it was true and omg this is so risky of me writing it haha but remember: honesty.) I told him it was none of his business and that he couldn`t demand accountability. After all, he never tells us something abot himself and he walks in and out of our lives whenever he feels like it. Furthermore I have seven siblings and a mother who all have authority over me, except for one maybe. I can not take that especially not at the age of 19, which is still young and I do understand if older people want to show me the way but you still gotta let a person choose himself. The thing is they never saw anything bad happening from the freedom I am trying to take for myself. I am sane and I want to be autonomous I think they are hurting my dignity. Anyway my brother told me I shouldn`t forget the fact that I am a woman and that made me, a feminist, so f*****g angry. I know that I am constantly being discriminated and mistreated because of my gender but someone saying it out loud is another thing. It is the dumbest thing ever. I am not allowed to be free because I was born with a vagina well thanks I really don`t understand where the actual f**k that comes from. I know a few people who are ok with that who accept that because they think thats the right way. I am not accepted for who I am(kinda outta context but whatever).

I went to a friend`s house after I cooked although I didn`t feel like going there I just did not like the idea of hanging out there so going there was more like a task which does not at all mean I dont like my friend. I do like him. It turned out to be ok anyway but after that I went to another friend`s place of whom I am not sure if wether i like her or not. It kinda sucks to sit there and list all the negative things athat strike me about her but it is necessary. Better write it here than tell other people who could get influenced by it. She has never really hurt me but she is kind of cold-hearted I`d say. Her other has cancer but instead of dealing with it together she distances herself from her mother, getting mad about little things. I refuse to judge that though because everybody has his own way of dealing with things. Apart from that, she thinks she is oh-so-cool and well officially she is actually. She hangs at the right places witht he right people to be seen as cool. The cool, alternative kid or whats-o-ever. She is a little bit arrogant. UGH I just can`t get to my main point. What bothers me most is that our friendship is very one-sided. It is only about her. About her telling me about herself, never asking about me. If I do tell something about me which I mostly even don`t anymore, she doesn`t react or she interrupts me. She hits me up regularly though. Anyway I went there and fulfilled my task which was listening to her ( I do care about her though, you know). A friend of hers came and I noticed that she did the exact same thing with her friend you know the interrupting and only talking about oneself thing. And well then I walked in the rain and got home to an insulting mother, a pissed other brother and a sister who is too busy with her phone to come and talk to me. I didn`t even tell her about my spain trip yet and Facebook probaby know more about her turkey trip than I do. I try to keep it all together, not to freak out and do something.. I have always had the urge to freak o ut and do something when it got just a little stressful. Throw things around, hurt myself, run to some guy`s house(again so dangerous of me writing this here on the shared computer haha but I am gonna save it on a stick I guess) or running away completly which I can`t as a consequence of me not having much money. There are many good reasons for me not to get a job. First: idk if it`s lazy, my psychologist says it is not but I am so so slow and can not do much with my time. One plan a day is enough today was a bit stressful I only stayed at their places for a short while. Second: I would only be allowed to keep ¼ of the salary as we are on ,idk what you call it, welfare?. Third: I got my finals coming up. Another good reason not to run away. This feels good actually and not too ridiculous once you start. Maybe this can help me to keep an overview over my life haha. I had a nice evening last night. I hung out at a good friend`s house who I really enjoy being with. He is not the cool guy and I try to let it not bother me as much as possible. Damn I realise that I am a meaner person than I thought but ya know: honesty. I didn`t care what others thought of the poeple I hung out with back in Beneficio. But here I do care and it kills me because I really do not want to. Idk how to work on this maybe writing will help. The problem is that I have still not managed to f**k what other people think. Anyway some other nice people came around aswell, all men although I usually do not get along too well with boys. I had a nice night we had some fun and on the way home, I sang along loudly to “roses“ by outkast, an old song. My mom did not insult me about that night at all! But my brother called a few times, the couch brother. To sum it up: Yesterday bad morning and afternoon, nice evening. Today: All day bad.

Not structured, as I said. I kind of sound like a mean b***h, I just realised that but here I should not care about those things. I wanted to establish? Dunno if its the right word to the not being able to do much with my time. I became this very boring person in my opinion. I do not know what to talk about anymore, I forgot how to have fun with every conversation. It used to be easy. I still do have converations but it is just not the same, it is not easy anymore. I used to have those natural, energic conversations all the time. Now it is difficult to find them. I do not have many interests, no hobbys. I don`t really read although I want to know what books say, I don`t really watch movies or tv shows anymore which has an impact on my english. I do not have many social networks, only Whatsapp and tumblr but I barely go on tumblr. I don`t have any hobbies either. I am just a sleeping, eating, meeting up to eat or just hanging out girl. What do I talk about then? What do I fill up my time with then? Oh yeah talking of time my family demands a lot of my time. Apart from that there is school which I will talk more about next week when the break is over. Most of the time I spend my time on doing things I don`t like doing.

I don`t want to go to school and see all these people. There are good sides too my school is pretty great when it comes to political positions but stil I do not like the people there. I have many friends in school but still. My profile class is the most annoying one, the other major is the best one I have. In my profile class it is all about being well adjusted to this western society. It is about being a cool kid and the others..well the others don`t really get bullied or anything in fact nobody ever says something to them but you can feel it. You can feel how they consider themselves superior. They make stupid jokes, their ambitions are defined by what others expect. By their scene or by the internet. We do not have a good bound. My previous class in my previous school had an amazing boundary. I miss that. Now I am just glad to leave that place soon. I would consider myself a half case. I do not fully belong somewhere(I am referring to a lifestyle such as alternative, mainstream.) You can not really define it. One day, I`ll go to a techno party if I have the chance and be with the alternatives, without belonging there 100% and the other day you will see me in a mainstream club, having just as much fun but also not belonging there 100%. My family immigrated to germany from turky (we are kurds though) two years before I was born. When there are events of their/our culture, I also do not belong there 100%.

To minute my physical condition: I found out that I am indeed a bit underweighted and lost some weight. My stomach hurts from time to time these days, especially after I eat. My body gets everything I eat out pretty quickly and it seems- too often. Doctor told me to come in the morning but hey I`ll have to manage to get up at 5 first. I might overtomorrow. I feel sick from many things I eat, my food is not too tasty anymore and I have the urge to eat sweets all the time. But I try not to. Eating healthy is going ok I guess I dunno but how do I eat healthy and gain weight at the same time? I`m gonna try and find out I guess. I have a cold right now and this whole stomach food process thing is getting on my nerves. It makes having sex less fun actually as I always worry about it and I have a cold right now, so no meeting up with one of the men I sleep with. O yeah while we are already talking about it. I have never been in a relationship. It seems llike men just aren`t romantically interested in me. Maybe because of the whole half case thing or my annoying weird personality. In fact, I have only had like two dates (or 3 bt only 2 people) in total in my entire life. Things are different when it comes to sex though. It is not difficult for me to find someon to sleep with. My tooth is getting crooked that really bothers me right now but I don`t wear my night�"braces regularly. Anyway where was I. Sex. I started a bit later than others at the age of 17. I only had one kiss at the age of 16 and then there was nothing until I had a date with this guy 3 months before I turned 18. We had one date and after that I never met him outside his bedroom. We still meet like once a month. He is respectful, nice and we talk and cuddle too. I have feelings for him which I never told him but those feelings are fading away as I don`t hear from him that often anymore. Until we meet again my feelings for him are strong for a while again then. I am ok with it now, it does not bother me too much. I seem dumb around most men (I am not doing that on purpose I swear). So yeah a while ago I discovred one night stands and met one or two guys who I could meet up more often with. One of those two is on the way of becoming another sex-friend. I did not enjoy sleeping with the other one though so I would say I got two men in total that I can call up more often and well, one night stands. It is suprising that things turned out this way as I was always taught to be prude. I should not even hang out with men and they(family, in this case sister and mother) even interefered in what I use when I get my period. They were mad about me using tampons as I and I quote my sister “ shouldn`t put ANYTHING in my vagina except for future husband`s thingy“. Well thanks for telling me what to do with my genitals. I continued to use tampons by the way. I always heard them say that I`d get into trouble if I wasn`t a virgin when I get married as the man woul not want me then. But men? Oh well men can f**k whenever they want, it is ok. Yep I live in a house with people who think so while I myself am a feminist and the word s**t does not even exist to me. Both genders should be allowed to have the same amount of freedom. Its just fucked up that there are people out there who think it`s not ok for women to have sex before marriage but for men it is ok. There is no logical explaination to that f*****g bullshit. I am glad I was able to have my own opinion on that even thogh my family does not know that opinion. I became a feminist when I turned 17. I started to care about important social issues.

Let`s get back to talking about love. I can not imagine being in a relationship. My family would expect me to marry him (later sometime, I am too young now) or no they would be against it al in all because I am too young to have a serious relationship and am not supossed to have one thats not going to end up in a marriage. So there is already one problem. Ok then if I was in a relationship I would want to stay over more often, or go there in the evenings more often and that would be a problem as I`d do it too often. Which guy- and I unfortunately mostly fall for men who do not understand the problems mentiones- would want to date me then? Another problem is that I do not like giving away too much freedom. Now, of course a relationship has good sides too. Human beings have to share their happy and sad moments, otherwise those moments won`t be real. It is nice to have someone who really cares about you wanting to share these moments, who you can have delightful conversations with and cuddle with at night. But I think there is something wrong with the way many relationships in my surroundings are but I`ll come to that later. Now another reason for me not to be in a relationship apart from the fact that people aren`t romantically attracted to me, I strugge with giving away my freedom. Mayb it is because due to the love I have for my mother and the love she has for me, I lost a huge amount of freedom. While my friends my age plan on going abroad for a year or moving out, I can`t do that. I could not leave my mother all alone. So here I am, planning on staying in this town I really don`t like anymore. I used to like the town I live in but I really don`t anymore. So back to what I think is impoprtant in a relationship and whats wrong with the ones in my surroundings (be aware of the fact that I never had a relationship before so this is just how I imagine it): If I had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I`d want to appreciate that person the way he or she is and not try to change that person. If there is something wrong with the way that person treats me, then thats something different. You can sort it out and change the behaviour that has an impact on you but what you can not do is change that person in general. Too many people do that. I also think that in a relationship, you should not feel like you own that person and smother them. There is a person, let that person be, let that person choose what they want to share with you and agree on when they share it with you. Have some agreements and well to sum it up- the whole thing should be more loose. My stomach hurts too much, I gotta stop writing.

I`m back few minutes later I just have too much on my mind. I want to change the topic. I went to a place, a hippie commune/ eco-village for a week and I came back last week. Due to bad organisation, I arrived on wednesday evening at the commune except for tuesday. I went to a party in town on tuesday but it wasn`t fun at al because I went there on my own. I did the wholfe trip on my own and I did get confronted with problems here and there but I solved them and well I arrived on wednesday. I had the best week of my life ever. I was happy there were rarely moments where I didn`t feel good. I was out in the nature with amazingly nice, interesting people. Nobody expected anything of me and most important of all: I was able to decide what I spend my time on and I f*****g loved the things I spent my time on. I was filled with love, I really felt like being kind too everyone I feld a wonderful connection to the poeple there. It is not easy to describe that place but to me it was like paradise. To me it felt like everything there was based on real love and nobody judged you, absolute freedom. When I arrived, I feld the magical spirit of that place right away. There was nobody who cold tell you what to do, you were free and most importantly, you were a human being. So I arrived with a cab(it was getting dark and I did not know the way plus my backpack was heavy.) The cab driver was so nice and warm hearted I`d say as he gave me a hug and you know cheek-kiss thing when I got out of the car. So there I was, in the dark, nature and I did not know which direction to go but to my luck there was a man with a shovel standing around. I was not scared of that man. Ugh my second oldest brother just got home and now he is playing saz upstairs, it is so loud but I wanna keep writing. So I walked up to that man and he brought me to the BigLodge. We had a small talk and I unfortunately didn`t see him after that. At the Lodge(It is the main Tippie, there are mostly tents and yurts, tippies and such) there was a small fire, a young man and an older woman sitting around it. They both spoke german and they wecomed me very very friendly. They invited me to sit with them, told me I could sleep there so I wouldn`t have to build up my tent in the dark. The man slept there aswell. They offered me tea and soup, I didn`t want any but I offered them vegetables and that sharing I must say, came from the bottom of my heart. I shared everything I had and I aways loved doing it. Here in town, I share a lot too. The poeple there share a lot in general and I loved it. So anyway we talked and soon laer some people arrived and we quickly became a circle of..idk around 10-15 people. All kind people and they played fantastic, relaxing music and everyone could sing along. I got tired and slept at two o clock on top of someone`s blanket but he got it back later :D. My couch potato brother and my oldest brother just walked in, annoying.

05.1.2016.

I didn`t have the chance to write yesterday. I stayed home all day if I remember correctly. Had a phone call with Franky and said hello to the Biglodge. I was very moved although I only heard Yannick and Petra, I teared up and I was so so ful of emotions. Anyway, the sound of something being thrown to the grown(dishes probably) woke me up this morning and a yell from my sister. It was 6:40 am or something. I became jaded if that`s the right word. I did not have strong emotions when I realised they were fighting again even in the early morning hours. I needed my sister`s tram card so I waited until it became a bit quiter again to ask her but she said no(not in a nice way). She was mad at my mom bcause my mom would tell her what to do all th time, things like „don`t use that box, use this one“ So yeah she left at 7, I went back to bed and this time my mom was really fed up. It`s true that it`s annoying my mom always does that. She wakes up with us with a good intention but it is just annoying. My mother kept going on about wanting to leave and I never really heard her say that before. But she said she`d stay for me. She wanted to move out(haha) well the kids shoud move out right? Oh btw my sister is 24 and my couch potato yelling brother is like 26 or something.. Anyway my mom is sleeping upstairs right now in the kitchen corner on a matress. At least it isn`t cold up there, I gave her a good night kiss. My couch potato brother is sleeping on the couch across from me right now I see him laying on that couch 20 hours a day. Well, his space (u can not call that room) is cold as it does not have a heating. It`s half past eleven and I got home like haf an hour ago from a friend who lives quite a few kilometres away (I payed 23€ for the ticket but idc anymore it`s just tha I am broke now.) I couldn`t eat there, I even though twice before I ate a tiny piece of chocolate. I had a decent breakfast and had to go to the toilet twice. Now at home I made some Kroketten with mayonnaise and one salad leave thingy. I feel sick. My throat obviously did not like the Mayonnaise I could not even look at it now. So today: decent breakfast consisting of one black bread with avocado, butter,cheese, toate. Porridge with tea instead of milk (brilliant, discovered it in Beneficio).Ugh my brother is snoring. Blueberries and half a banana. Half a wrap bread with like four Kroketten and a snack �" sized chocolate bar. Ok that really is not much but it would be more if I wasn`t at his place today. I have no idea how to eat at my friend`s house tomorrow, It takes me too long to go to the toilet and well we`ve been taught to be ashamed of something as natural as that and I can not unlearn it. I feel sick, the Mayonnaise was a areally bad idea. Anyway I had sex with one of my sex-friends (not the one I have feelings for, the easy-going one) it was fun, we had a fun, easy conversation too. But on my way home I got reminded of the fact that Iam going to this place full of disrespect and yelling again. Everyone is asleep thank god. My dad really is missing. My mother is alone. He wouldn`t even be home too often but he would be here, that`s what counts. My sister is so mean.

Anyway I was gonna write about Beneficio I wonn`t be able to write down all the beautiful, funny little moments I have had there (so so many) which is sad because I don`t ever want to forget them. Ok I left off when I slept. It was cold but not really dangerously cold, I survived. When I opened my eyes, my face was turned to the entrance of the Lodge and it was fantastic. The sun was shining and saw those beautiful mountains and a few people standing in front of the lodge talking harmonoiusly. It was like a dream. If people ask someone to imagine heaven, that`s probably how they would imagine it. The woman who “hosted“ me, asked me to go to Orgiva to the market with her and so I did. I had beautiful day in Orgiva then with sunshine and shopping foods was never as easy as then. We ate and sat in a Cafe where many Hippies were and I met a nice woman from El Moreon there and a very kind man who did not speak english too well but I liked him anyway. He was so friendly and cool(not meant in a romantic way, he was old btw) and then Baba Chris drove us up again. He did not have a conversation with me,idk. ____We drove down to Orgiva with a van of a young british very kind and funny woman. A little girl we saw in the parking lot liked her a lot and the woman told us that when that little girl was even smaller, when the little girl went somewhere to do something and walked from the shadow to the sun, she`d stretch out her arm and look up for like 10 seconds. “There`s something really special about her“. I think that is a very cute thing. When I was in the bus and the sun wa shining, I could feel the sun lifting my mood and I appreciated it so much. Anyway, more about Beneficio later on. I hate the fact that there are things that keep me here. I am too tired to keep on writing and I feel sick aswell.

Jan,10.1.17

It has been a few days since I had the opportunity to write but that does not mean I didn`t have the urge to do so. Now I had an ok evening at my friend`s birthday on friday. Even though I got home at 3 am, I went to another party the very next which of course bothered my family a lot. ON saturday, I wasn`t sure about going. I really wanted to but I knew that there would be a problem. However it was getting late (If I stay out late I should at least not leave too late) and my ten years older brother called to b***h about me being out till 3am on friday. I said I wanted to go to a friend`s today aswell and he with a sigh said it would be ok but it`s the last time. He wasn`t happy about it of course. After that phone call I still wasn`t sure about going. I started crying and I went to t he kitchen crying. Soon after my mother noticed and walked into the kitchen and she asked what was wrong frantically. „Are you crying because you want to go out? Well go out then“ I shaked my head and my sister walked in, she was more gentle but my mom kept on getting angry and I can not even remember what she said but she definetely wasn`t comforting me. Instead, she was bitching around an my sister started doing the same thing as she got impatient. They ended up complaining and yelling about me still not wearing clothes (I was wearing my bathrobe). I left the kitchen angrily and put my clothes on, packed everything i needed for a party and went to my mothers room to tell her I`d sleep at a friend´s. I left and I did hit up some friends who were very comforting, ready to let me sleep over. As soon as I was at my guy friend`s place, I felt better. I always forget about problems when I am outside doing something. We started drinking and we went to a club which I really enjoyed. One of his friends were there aswell and he asked his friend (His friend`s friend haha) to come along but he said no so I took his number and texted him myself but he didn`t reply which disappointed me as I`d like to hook up with him. This is getting confusing, I am sorry. He probably knows that I always want him to come around when I hang out with his friends and now he ignores my text which really sucks. Anyway, i was a bit embarrasing at the bar but I want to forget about that. I had a nice night and after that we went to my friend`s place and watchen How high until we fell asleep. At home, I was being welcomed by my second oldest brother (I have 6 brothers) saying, in a n anrgy tone: „Where were you, I told you not to go out!!“*frowning*. I escaped into the bathroom and he left. My mom and sister were ok, I slept the entire day. My brother whom I texted on saturday saying I am not doing well, was so so angry about me complaining. He told me I had an amazing life and I should stop crying around. What a stupid thing to do, that was so insensitive. And then people wonder why some people can not talk about problems. According to them, a young woman shall not be out late and I should be careful because of my reputation. So mean..

I am just trying to do the very few things I have fun doing.

Talking about that, I have a problem. I really want to take a year off after school, it is very very commmon to do so. I want to work here, travel, then work here and travel again and then spend quite a few months in spain. I get super excited when I think about it, it is my dream. I haven`t had a dream for a long time now. The problem about it is that my brother(the one who told me to stop crying around) would never be ok with me taking a break. The even bigger problem: Travelling so much!? Few months in spain!? NO F*****G WAY THEY ARE GONNA KILL ME. I do not know if I have the power to fight against it. My 10 year older brother always says „First, you need your driving licence. Then you need to know what you`re gonna do, wether you wanna do a training or what you want to study in university. THEN you can travel.“ Well,maybe I do not need a driving licence now and I sure as hell can still do a training or study after my break, can`t I? I could use the time to work a little and find out what I want to do. Do short internships and stuff, I`d have time enough but he does no argue, my arguments never count. I bet when I`m in university, he will be like „pfft get your master first“ After that when I am an employee, he would go „You should buy a house first and a car“ and so on. This is my life, I want to choose how I am gonna live it. I want to choose what`s impoprtant for me. I do not care about owning a big house or a car. I am getting the highest school education you can get in my country and I am gonna get a good job one day so I will have a place to sleep and food to eat. It`s my f*****g business. He is not me. I know what`s impportant in this capitalist system but it`s not like I`m saying I won`t get a job. But what`s important for me, that I have to decide myself. What`s important to someone is very individual, it is a result of all the experiences one has made. He did not live my life, he did not make my experiences so how can he tell what should be important to me. So what if I am into nature, travelling and such. He is not into that but he doesn`t respect the fact that I am. I just don`t get it. People hurt each other so much for such stupid things. Why not just let other people live? Why are we constantly killing individualism because we are convinced that our own way of living is the best? And when there is somone who is stronger than another (like a parent and a child), they force their own ways on the weaker one, smothering the weaker one and leaving him or her very unhappy. But what for? As long as that person does not hurt anyone, let him be.

OK I am gonna talk about another topic now.

I think I made up my mind. I am not going to sleep with the man I love anymore. We have been sexfriends for one year and almost a half. He doesn`t know I have feelings for him and well he is acting kind of weird, not texting me and stuff. Maybe he is just busy. I told him I was feeling sick and I really wanted comfort but he didn`t give it to me. That happened several times, he never cared. He is just a sexfriend so I can`t really expect him to care actually but he came to me for comfort before and I comforted him. We talk quite a lot too when we meet or chat online. If he texts me after a while, expecting me to meet up with him I am gonna go ahead and get angry. I am not his doll, I am a human being after all. He is usually a very very kind man.

I think I am gonna look for a new doctor and do several tests if possible to find out why I get sick so often. Talking of men, I feel harrassed tbh by two men who I am so not attracted to. One I started texting with and who lives in spain now in that commune! I never me him personally, he went there after me. I am afraid he won`t leave me alone there and he has been talking about cuddling and stuff to. I am gonna take care of it somehow. The other man is way more intrusive. I want to buy weed from him from time to time, not too often. There are other sellers around but hs stuff is really good so I hit him up again, bought some and ever since then he has not stopped flirting and hitting on me. He is 13 years older than me! I am gettting so annoyed but I can not be mean, I always just nocely talk without flirting back but if you think that that stops him, you`re hella wrong. Do you know whats really evil of me? He gets the good stuff tomorrow and I want to buy it, thats another reason why I don`t tell him to f**k off already. I know he might give it to me for free but that would be like making use of him. I don`t get how he can be so stupid, I told him I`d pay but I know he won`t let me pay this time. It is getting late, I have a light hadache.