The Earth Is Doomed Comedy Show

A musical comedy with a message.

 

 The Earth Is Doomed Comedy Show”

A musical comedy

Dax Radtke

907-299-0319

daxalaska@yahoo

PRODUCTION NOTES

“FRONT STAGE”, “CENTER STAGE”, “AT THE BAR” AND “DECK DOOR” INDICATE SETS. THEY CAN BE ON SEPARATE STAGES, OR ALL ON A SINGLE STAGE.

“MONITOR” DESCRIBES IMAGES ON TVs, PROJECTORs, OR MONITORSs POSITIONED BEHIND STAGE SETS, AND (OPTIONAL) SPACED AROUND THE VENUE.

A LARGE MONITOR, OR PROJECTOR, IS USED TO PROJECT BACKGROUND SCENES BEHIND THE MAIN STAGE AND PLAYERS.

CAST

ET host.................“N”

Earther traveler.....ATZ

chorus 1 ...............3 funny people

chorus 2 ...............3 sexy funny people

fan club introducer(s) / small parts ......... from 3 to 6, “bit” actors. (Depends on timing)

hot waitress... ......1

Sign girl .............. 2 (One cues crowd reactions, one flips “locations” of the clubs.)

Alien audience...... All in attendance (Part of the cast)

Band... keyboard, guitar, drums, bass, horns, percussionist + Foley guy?

Engineers...

Video wizard(s?). (Capable of procuring, editing, and cuing Monitor suggestions)

Lights...

• One guy, running pre-programmed scenes.

• One follow-spot operator

• One 'House lights' guy

Audio Tech / Sound guy. (cueing mics)

Possibly a second foley artist, or recorded sound effex.

Shills... Several audience participants who “trigger” audience participation.

SHOW ORDER

Opening video (By Eric Idle*)

Scene 1: Cave man scene

SONG.. ATZ. Opening number continues (W/band & show lyrics)

Scene 2: I remember...

SONG When I was just a kid ... ATZ

Scene: Audience Interview

SONG “We've been out traveling around in the stars” ... Chorus, ATZ, “N”

Scene 3: Here's how it happened/Nikos/SEND

Scene 4: Alabaster Delight

Visit to fan club chapter on BLEEM

Talent show act “Your fan club changes everything”

Visit to fan club chapter on CLUCK

Talent show act ..”Only you” (Interpretive egg laying)

Visit to fan club chapter on LOUDLY *(Optional)

Talent show act ..(Expressive shouting exhibition / ATZ' yodeling song.)

Visit to fan club chapter on REDDENBACHER

Talent show act ..(Popping) / Rapping Education

Visit to fan club chapter on Clear

Talent show act ..(Traditional man greeting.)

Visit to fan club chapter on Homer

Talent show act ..(The sex song.)

Visit to fan club chapter on Mime

Talent show act ..(Silent / pantomime trio)

Scene 5: Back in the bar...

SONG: “A brief history of Earth” ... “N”

SONG: “We're coming down” .... Chorus

Scene 6: In the Bar...

SONG: “My mission's over” ...“N”

Scene 7: In the bar...

SONG: “Things might not go smooth” .... ATZ

Scene 8: In the Bar...

SONG: “The Show Was For US” ... Chorus

FINALE': “Drunken Comedy Shows” ... All

 

 

OPENING NUMBER.. SHOWN ON ALL MONITORS

 

("Cafe'" readers, please google "Eric, Idle, galaxy" and watch any version of it. This video will be shown on back-stage monitors at the beginning of the show, and serves as the tune for the continued lyrics below. Thanks.)

 

 

           SCENE ONE

(During first segment, DOWNLOADED VIDEO “GALAXY” shown on rear stage monitor, while lights up low reveals a group of cave men (Chorus one) sitting around a fire center stage.)

During verse 1, a cavemen pulls out a wheel eliciting grunting.

During intermission, a cave man pulls out a bow/arrow, more grunting.

During last verse, cave man pulls out a gun. There's grunting.

 

(After 2-verse recorded intro, Monitor dissolves to: Ground, w/stars overhead. Other Monitors show stage.

As the music (now live) continues in the background... followspot up. Atz enters stage.)

ATZ

(Singing (continuing) same tune, while wondering the stage.)

What if Earth continues down the path we are on?

What if we refuse to think it out?

What will happen if we follow useless politicians,

(A cave man pulls out a bunch of money, ... grunting.)

and greed and power's all they care about?

And what if we continue to develop bigger weapons,

and other ways to harm our fellow man?

(cave man pulls out an “A-BOMB”,... grunting)

Could it be we're dumb enough to simply watch it all,

or is it time to change it .. if we can?

(cave man pulls out “Inept world leaders”... grunting)

(Musical interlude by live band as Monitor fades to BAD HEADLINES SLIDESHOW.. “bombing kills 128”.. “Bio weapons missing”.. & more bad news headlines continue behind, then after interlude...)

ATZ:

(Continues singing same song:)

Well I don't have a lot of faith, that we are very smart.

It seems we walk a path of shame and doom.

(Cave man shows.... “WMD”... grunting)

If we don't start correcting, all the damage that we have done,

we'll all be very sorry .. and we might die pretty soon.

And if we don't just gird our loins, and make a sacrifice or two,

If we don't fix ev'rything all by ourself.

We'd better hope that someone somewhere comes down to our rescue,

(Cave man shows.... “Doomsday Device”)

'Cause right now Earth could use a little help.

(Atz alone on FRONT stage. Monitors continue “bad news slide show” as ATZ watches a while, then turns to audience)

ATZ:

“That's what's going on here on Earth. Affairs on this planet are being run by the best people we can get to do the job. The most popular politicians, the most respected theologians, the finest military minds, and the most powerful leaders of industry. These are the people who run our planet... And look where we are. Are you as proud as I am?”

(Monitor freezes on some “Doomsday” prediction.)

So Earth is doomed, and we are all going to die. Thank you for coming to the show..

(LIGHTS OUT, MONITORS BLACK)

SCENE

(Cavemen exit stage. ATZ stands alone on FRONT stage. Followspot comes on speaker. As he speaks this paragraph he will walk toward the deck door.)

ATZ:

(Wondering the stage)

I remember One morning when I was a just little kid. My Dad woke us all up and told us in that “excited-Dad” voice to all quick wake up and go into Auntie Pearl's room, because that's where the TV lived. I saw it all in glorious, breathtaking black and white... as a man named John Glenn rode a rocket ship into space.!

(VIDEO Comes up on all monitors)

I watched in awe as that tiny one-man Mercury Rocket rose.. and rose.. and rose.. And it got smaller.. and eventually it was just a glowing dot... The announcer said that in six minutes, he would be in outer space..

(Monitor: End Mercury.. Shows pan past moon, to only stars)

I thought.. : “Wow...” I got my first telescope when I was about ten years old. It was pretty crappy. I mean, I could see pretty well into windows across the street... but it was only 25x power, meaning that through it I could focus on the craters on the moon, but when I turned it out into space, all I saw were fuzzy little dots. Even then, looking up at those fuzzy stars, I wondered...

Is there anybody out there looking back ?

SONG “Is anybody out there.” (On front stage)(Monitors show amazing space slideshow)

ATZ:

(Sings similar tune, but slower)

When I was just a kid, I looked up at the stars, and I didn't understand what made them glow...

Then I learned that they are “suns”, like the one up in our sky,

and some have planets orbiting, you know?

And when I was just a kid, I figured, if there's other suns and planets, could I someday build a rocket-ship,.. and go!

...And I then watched the rocket take off, from my Auntie Pearl's bedroom, but that was very very long, ago.

CHORUS

(Sings)

U.........ni.............verse,

U.........ni.............verse,

ATZ:

(sings)

Now I'm all grown up, and busy with my life, and I seldom have the time to theorize.

But every now and then, when I need help, or strength, or guidance, I find my eyes lift up into the skies!

Is there anybody out there? I still haven't got an answer,

But it sure seems that the odds are pretty good...

That somewhere out there someone's looking back with the same question.. and I'd love to answer “Here I am”.. If I could.

CHORUS

(Sings)

U.........ni.............verse,

U.........ni.............verse,

(Fade: sound/lights/monitors. Monitors show a wide shot, stars ...looking up into the sky. Spot on speaker)

ATZ:

(Pointing out the deck door)

There it is. Right up there. The whole f*****g universe. (Walking into the crowd.)

Most of us don't even notice it because we're so busy living our tiny little lives that we have no time to consider the unlimited possibilities that that universe may bring with it. And we live our lives assuming we are alone in this universe...

(Something very neat, like a UFO or headline: We are not alone! comes on monitors. House lights up some 50%. With lights up, Atz addresses the audience.)

ATZ:

(interviews the crowd.. )

How many of you believe that we are probably alone in the universe?

(Wait for response)

How many of you believe there might be other intelligent life out there, but if there is, the universe is so vast they might never meet each other.?

(Wait for response)

How many of you believe there is definitely life out there? And that it's far advanced over anything we can even imagine?

(Wait for response)

And finally, How many of you would like to meet the star people?

(Wait for response)

Well, that's what's going to happen here tonight.... Because we're going on a trip around the universe! ... and you, the audience, are coming with us! All you have to do is watch this sign:

(points to SIGN GIRL and “destination” sign)

and remember that you play the part of the “Locals” crowd on every planet we visit.,,. - So act like locals! You'll also receive cues from the other sign girl,

(Points to her)

Like this;

(She holds up applause sign., they'll applaud, she takes a comic bow.)

Don't pad your part, honey, just show 'em the signs.)

(She puts down sign... with a final flourish)

Ahem! ..So we begin,.. as you can see, on Earth.

(sign girl holds up “Earth” sign)

...and it's time for the opening number!

(Music begins. Lights up. Groups enter stage in formation. Monitors show more pretty space slide show, while...)

CHORUS ONE & TWO:

(sing & dance)

(bum bum bum bum).. We've been out traveling, around in the stars.

(bum, bum, bum, bum) the moon is boring, and there's not much on mars.

But when you get going way out into space

It puts a big, s**t-eatin smile on your face!

(bum bum bum bum)..We're here to tell you, that the universe rocks!

(bum bum bum bum)..It blew our minds... and it knocked off our socks!

And even though, you'll probably doubt it,

We're here tonight, to tell you about it,

(bum bum bum bum)..The people out there like to dance, laugh and sing..

(bum bum bum bum)..their leaders teach, that having fun's a good thing..

They live to party, and eat, sleep and drink..

...a pretty fun way of life, don't you think?

(ALL form a dance/kick line)

(bum bum bum bum)..So we've assembled, this fun little show

(bum bum bum bum)..to bring Earth up to speed on what you should know..

Life is for living, so laugh when you can..

and tonight... a little laughing...

tonight a little laughing...

tonight a little laughing... is our Plan......

Scene:

(Choruses exit stage, ATZ is now standing alone, near deck door.)

ATZ:

(while wandering the stage)

“Here's how it all started... It was a few nights ago, and I was right out there on that deck, drinking a beer and smoking a .. well let's say cigarette.. and this kinda strange looking guy came up the steps over there,

(“N” enters stage (through deck door) where he points)

...and he walked right over to me like he knew me, and he said:

N:

(Shaking hands with ATZ)

“You don't know me yet, but I think we're going to be good friends.”

ATZ:

“If you knew me you'd know that that's not the way that I roll.

N:

(Laughing)

Not that way.. Let me explain.. Look at me. My face. I am not from Earth.

ATZ:

(Skeptical)

I see. So where are you from? Anchor Point?

N:

I'm from your fan club “out there.” I came to show you around the universe.

ATZ:

Uh huh, I see... can I get a drink first?

N:

Sure, but let me buy.

(N leads ATZ across the stage.)

ATZ:

Dude. Bar's that way

N:

Not the bar we're going to.. It's this way.

(Leads to center stage)

ATZ:

There's no bar back there.

(The SEND, a cloth-draped door on stage, begins glowing with blue light.)

N:

But there is a very special door I'd like to show you...

(They stand before the “SEND” prop, now glowing blue)

.. this is called a SEND. It's like a telephone, but you can just walk right into it and end up at the other end of the call... anywhere in the universe.

ATZ:

A door to the universe? ... How cool is that! So Where are we supposedly going?

N:

Well, you need a drink, and I've got a friend who's a bartender at a pretty neat place. Just follow me into the SEND...

(They step into a blue glowing SEND door at stage left, lights out.. then Rear stage Monitor shows Moon footage. They step out another blue door on rear stage,.. lights up, a hot waitress shows up with 2 beers on a tray.)

ATZ:

(Looking at monitor behind )

This is bullshit! It's a cheap moon video. You could download this from the internet. This is crap.

N:

Dude, You're facing the wrong way. That's the screensaver. Turn around.

ATZ:

(Turns to look over crowd!)

Holy ...!....HOLY CRAP! Where are we?

N:

Welcome to the “Alabaster Delight.” This, my friend, is the biggest party room in the universe.

ATZ:

(Obviously flabbergasted)

Huh?

N:

(Pointing over crowd's heads)

Look. Over there. A stage.

ATZ:

That's a stage?

N:

It's a floating stage, one of many in this room. It's completely self-sufficient. No cables or wires. It just floats around in the air. Band get up on it, and parties happen. This is a concert venue. A huge concert venue. Look around out there. Over there is a variable-gravity dance floor. At the center there is no gravity at all.

ATZ:

How big is that dance floor?

N:

That one is about a quarter mile on a side. There are several others, and in all axis.

ATZ:

In all axis? What are you talking about?

N:

The Alabaster Delight is like a small, hollow planet...It is a spherical venue. Not limited to x �" y axis. It continues on the z axis below and above all stages and dance floors. And it's not even limited to a single, three-dimensional space. The “haze” you can see in the air is from the multi-dimensional and virtual seating decks. Thousands of them! And they can occupy this entire space without taking up any room in this universe!

ATZ:

No gravity dance floors? Multi-dimensional seating? Floating stages? What goes on here?

N:

(Indicating they sit at the 'bar'. As they do, HOT WAITRESS enters scene. “N” indicates two, and she exits.)

The greatest performances and events in the universe are typically held at this venue, my boy. It is a very special, and very big place. To put that in Alaska speak, Your Carnage Hall, Hyperdome*, and Times Square Garden all rolled into one... wouldn't fill the mudroom...

ATZ:

( ! ) Wow... Why did you bring me here? Why are we on this huge party ship?

N:

Planet. ... “Party Planet” is more correct. The Alabaster Delight is about half the size of Earth's moon.

ATZ:

Party planet. Wow! I like that. But why are we here? You never said.

N:

(Greeting HOT WAITRESS, who brings their drinks and exits.)

We came for a drink, remember? -Heh, heh, heh,.. I brought you here to show you where the biggest party in 40 million years will happen soon. BTW, The party's kinda starting right now.. because tonight, right now, our little trip through the universe is being simulcast over the UNET. It'll go viral in a matter of minutes. You're suddenly a big star! After tonight, intelligent beings all over the universe will recognize you.

ATZ:

Huh?

N:

Imagine over two hundred billion planets, each connected to the UNET, and each dying to meet someone from Earth.... Now imagine an Earther, you, has been “grabbed” off Earth and shown around a little. You're big news, dude! This is “universe reality TV”... at this moment, all over the whole universe, on billions of planets, other “Intelligent beings” are watching what's happening here. Mike, switch the view to UNET.

(All monitors switch to “live” shot, simulating universe-news coverage of the stage scene on “UNET”, with scrawl below reading: “Earther on Alibaster Delight.”)

N:

You're an instant celebrity!

ATZ:

Wait a minute... this is all being broadcast to the internet?

N:

The UNET... That's the internet for the whole universe.

ATZ:

And ..as you say, “beings from billions of planets” ... are watching a TV reality show about Earth? And the show is about me? I don't get it.

N:

Heh, heh, heh... Earth is big news, my friend. Remember that UNET thing? Well, all over the universe the big topic of conversation for decades has been that those crazy Earthers, after millions of years of successful evolution... are going to allow their own technology, or their own stupidity, to destroy them. If Earthers are going to survive, either they've got to get a lot smarter real quick, or we've got to step in and save your asses.

ATZ:

Hey.. Are you calling us stupid? And what do you mean “Step in”?

N:

Look at yourselves. Look at your world. You really ARE stupid. Right now taking over Earth is the only way we can see to save you from yourselves.

ATZ:

This doesn't make sense. First you say you're from my fan club.. then you tell me a big party is planned, then you tell me your, what, going to take over Earth? ...because we're stupid?

N:

Not quite, but close.. Relax, ATZ. The night is young. It'll all make sense by the third act.

ATZ:

I have a feeling I'm going to need several more of these. (indicates beers)

N:

Great idea! And I know just where to begin. You ready to meet your fan club?

ATZ:

I don't think so.

N:

(laughing)

Doesn't matter! Our next stop is a party happening on my home planet named Bleem... By the way, they're watching live on UNET, and they know we're coming. And this is a pretty big party... The crowd will go crazy when you step out the SEND. You ready? Just step in here...

(Indicates blue glowing SEND. They step through.) (BLACKOUT.)

Scene:

(Bleem.. At fan club meeting #1.. Members are waiting for the duo.) (Sign girl: “Inside Down East”... flips to: “Now on Planet Bleem”.) (Blue glowing SEND door on stage Center Light comes on. Several 'locals' are on stage waiting.)

FCL 1: (Fan Club Leader)

(Excited, but quieting the crowd.)

OK everybody! Our favorite Earther is about to come through the SEND.. When he steps through, I want you to go nuts.. give him a big welcome! READY???

(They step out of the SEND..)

CROWD

(Cheers)

(Sign girl holds up: Applause!)

N:

Hey everybody! Let me introduce our hero... ATZ! ATZ, this is your Bleem fan club.!

CROWD

(Cheers)

ATZ:

What do you mean, 'My fan club?' Who are you people? Why would you be in a fan club calling me your hero? This doesn't make sense.”

N:

(Pats him on the back, reassuring.)

Yet, here we are!.. And this is just a small group from your fan club.. These people from my planet look and act much like you Earthers, so we figured this would be a good place to begin your little trip around the universe... So for now, I'll turn it over to the locals..”

FCL 1:

Welcome, welcome, welcome.. Earther! We are the Bleem chapter of your fan club.. My name is Kliegmor.. My Earther name is Sarah Palin, dontcha know. We're proud to be your first offworld experience, and we have a little news for you.. to explain what's going on.

First, Yes, we are indeed all in your fan club. And second, This is only your first stop on a tour of planets all over the universe that have chapters of your fan club.

ATZ:

Wow! Is that... ? What are you telling me?

FCL:

We are telling you that your life is going to change... because you're going to meet your fan club. So before we let you go anywhere else,we have prepared a little song for you.

(Chorus Two enters stage, wearing ET makeup, ready to sing SONG: Your fan club changes everything.)

FCL:

(talking intro as music begins)

Tonight's a special night for you, this is just one stop.

Tomorrow you'll have a story to tell, that nobody else can top.

CHORUS ONE

(Sings & dances)

We thought we'd get you up to speed about things in other places.

There's a lot of stuff you prob'ly ought to know...

Like for instance, we're not monsters, and we won't eat your faces..

In fact the universe is quite peaceful, no matter where you go.

(Music cont)

FCL

(speaking voice-over)

We've been around a long, long time, far longer than you,

So we've got some evolution, on our side

and you're welcome to the universe, if you will just consider,

(Starts singing)

that the members of your fan club, are here to be your guide.

CHORUS ONE

(sings)

You can have anything, go anywhere, see what you want to see.

You don't need money anymore, 'cause everything is free.

Your rich beyond your wildest dreams, your life is yours to live,

We all just want to be friends of yours, and that's the gift we give.

FCL:

(Speaking over continued music)

You can travel anywhere you choose, we will all welcome your visit,

Just throw a dart to pick a galaxy, then decide which planet in it.

Surf the curve-clouds of Myoptisphere, dive the crystal reefs on Ice,

For the rest of your life, you can do anything. It's gonna be real nice.

CHORUS ONE

(singing)

If you wonder why we're doing this, why we offer you this deal,

If you think it's some conspiracy, and it can't possibly be real,

We all just want to meet an Earther, Please understand that's true,

FCL:

(Speaking again)

That to pay for all this free stuff, we only ask you,.. to be .. you.

(A single note ends song)

ATZ:

(Major-league confused)

I don't get it. You're going to give me things? Take me on trips? Show me stuff? What?

N:

All of the above. Everything. Yes, yes, and hell yes. All we ask is that you accept our hospitality. We've got a few other surprises for you, too.. and to begin, you're going to meet many more members of your fan club.

FCL 1:

That's right. We are only the Bleem chapter. There are thousands more chapters on planets all over the universe.

ATZ:

Thousands of chapters? Of MY fan club?

N:

(smart-a*s aside to ATZ)

You'll figure it out in the third act.

ATZ:

Huh?

N:

(Immediately, ignoring ATZ and shifting into 'announcer-voice' mode.)

And now it's time to head out to some of those planets, and meet some of those chapters... But before you go, what do you have to say now that you've met the Bleem chapter of your fan club?...

ATZ:

:) (ad lib) I'm on Bleem! I've got a fan club full of crazy people. How fun is this???

N:

Ok, Earther, now we're headed out to the Feather Galaxy, to meet your fan club on Roost. BTW, these people also know you're coming, and they'll go nuts when you step out...

(Stopping just before entering the SEND)

Oh, one other thing... on the planet Roost.. Intelligent life evolved from Chickens.

ATZ / N:

(Waving to the crowd as they exit into the SEND)

Goodbye everybody!

CROWD:

Goodbye, Earther..!!!!!

(Sign: Wave goodbye!)

N:

(indicates blue glowing SEND. They step through.)

(BLACKOUT.)

(Sign girl: “Now on Planet Bleem”... flips to: “Now on planet Roost”.)

Scene:

(Planet Roost.. At FC meeting #2.. Members are waiting for the duo. Blue glowing SEND door on stage Center light comes on.. Monitor shows chicken coop background -paused- on rear wall... Some hay scattered around stage.. Chorus One dressed as chicken people.. to one side, a water bowl �" for bobbing.)

FCL2:

(Clucking, etc.. excited, points to the SEND door)

(They step out... Monitor -play- & chickens go nuts.)

(SIGN: Loud clucking and cackling!)

CROWD:

(Chicken clucking & cheers)

FCL2:

(Clucking, etc, while saying:)

We are the R-R-R-R-Roost chapter of your fan clubBa caw!.. My name is B-B-BacAW!.. My Earther name is Colonel Sanders*. We're proud to be your second offworld experience. When we found out you were coming, we fired up the pressure cookers, .. buck buck buck (N can't interpret).... Kentucky Fried Human.. Yum!

OTHER CHICKENS:

Yummmm...

(SIGN: Yummm!)

ATZ:

(acting nervous)

Well that's a little scary.

FCL2:

(Clucking)

Reciprocity's a buck-buck-buck-b***h, huh?

ATZ:

Well I..

FCL2:

(Clucking / speaking)

We are awarerrRRRRrrRRR! of your interest in meeting hot chicks, so please allow me to introduce you to three of the hottest! Your bk-bk-bk-backup singers.. BBQ'd, Rotisserie, & El Polo Loco, collectively known as “the Tenders!”

ATZ:

(Flirty)

(Ad lib) Ladies... Although these are some very nice breasts... I'm a leg man...

FCL2:

(Clucking)

Anyway.. In honor of your visit, we have also put together-r-r-r-rrrr a little sumpin sumpin for you.. we hope you'll enjoy ... We know you like to karaoke this song, so please, do the honors?.. Start the song for us?

(Chorus One, dressed as chickens.. crawl all over him, grabbing his attention, as the song begins)

(Following lead singer, three 'Chorus One' chickens cluck backup doo-wop to “Only You”, with ATZ and FCL2 singing early lyrics.. as follows.)

SONG: “Only You” (sung in Chicken)

ATZ:

Only You....

CHORUS 2:

(Clucking backup)

*Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck,

ATZ:

... can make my world seem right. O-only you*,

CHORUS 2:

(Clucking backup)

*Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck,

ATZ:

...can light my darkest night. (Chicks swoon)

N:

(Taking over lead vocal)

Only you

CHORUS 2:

(Clucking backup)

*Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck,

N:

... and you alone, can thrill me like you do, and fill my heart with love for only youuu...

FCL2:

(Clucks lyrics in 'Chicken”.)

Bac-caw-buck, *buckkawwww....

ATZ and N:

(Doo wop / ooo-ing backup)

*oo ooo oo oo ooo ooooooo

(Competing the song, Atz & N take turns / duet with them... FCL chicken brings it home.)

(Sign: “Applaud, crow, and cluck!”

N:

Well, do you have anything to say to your fan club on Roost?

ATZ:

Well, I don't speak fluent chicken, but I guess I could take a shot at it... (fakes some clucking)

CHICKENS ON STAGE:

Bac-bah-booooo & hiss)

(Sign “Boo! Hiss!”)

ATZ:

(Confused, surprised)

What?

N:

You just told them they all have small lips.

ATZ:

(ad lib) Sorry ladies, ... and I really did enjoy singing the song with you doing buk..buk..backup.!

CROWD:

(Mixed reaction, then applause.)

N:

On to the next FC chapter... Our next stop is a very noisy world, where everyone shouts everything... By the way, they know we're coming. And this is a pretty big party... The crowd will go crazy when you step out the SEND. You ready? Just step in here...

(N indicates blue glowing SEND. They step through. BLACKOUT.

Sign girl: “Now on Planet Roost”... flips to: “Now on planet Loudly”.)

Scene:

Planet Loudly.. At FC meeting #3.. Members are waiting for the duo. Monitor shows typical brick wall backdrop. Blue glowing SEND door on stage Center.. Light comes on.)

FCL3:

(Shouting, announcing)

OK everybody! Our favorite Earther is about to come through the SEND.. When he steps through, I want you to go nuts.. give him a big welcome! Everyone ready???

CROWD:

(Loud yelling, etc.)

(They step through)

(Sign: Loud screaming / whooping)

AUDIENCE:

(Loud cheers)

FCL 3:

(Shouting)

“Welcome, welcome, welcome.. Earther! We are the LOUDLY chapter of your fan club.. My name is BLAAT, .. My Earther name is Mike Rophone. We're proud to be your third offworld experience, and we have also prepared a little sompin sompin for your enjoyment.

(HERE IT WOULD BE FUN TO INSERT ATZ'S “YODELLING SONG”, AND HAVE THE “LOCALS” HELP WITH THE CHORUS)

(then after,)...

FCL:

So, Earther, what do you have to say now that you've met the Loudly chapter of your fan club?...

ATZ:

They know how to sing along with the chorus, I'll give 'em that!

N:

...and now it's time for us to head out to the Hoppin Galaxy, to meet your fan club on Balooey. BTW, these people also know you're coming, and they'll go nuts when you step out...

ATZ / N:

“Goodbye everybody!”

(SIGN: Loud good-bys)

(They begin toward the SEND, but N stops them,)

N:

Oh, one other thing... Intelligent life on Balooey... evolved from Popcorn. - In you go.

(Pushes Atz ahead of himself, into SEND)

CROWD:

(..yelling loud goodbyes!!!!)

Sign girl: “Now on Planet Loudly”... flips to: “Now on planet Balooey”.)

Scene:

(Planet Balooey.. At FC meeting #4.. Members are waiting for the duo. Monitor shows “Let's go out to the lobby” popcorn box on rear stage monitor. Blue glowing SEND door on stage Center.. Light comes on.)

FCL 4:

(Popping around)

OK everybody! Our favorite Earther is about to come through the SEND.. When he steps through, I want you to go nuts.. give him a popping-big welcome! READY???

(They step through)

(SIGN: Pop! and act like popcorn!)

FCL 4:

(Popping around while speaking) “Welcome, welcome, welcome to Balooey, Earther! We are the Hoppin/Poppin chapter of your fan club.. My Earther name is Orville Reddenbacher. Our world is most unique in that we usually just watch movies all day... but today is special. .

ATZ:

Watch movies? I thought you would swim in backyard pools filled with warm butter, or .. um.. salt yourselves,..or pop or something..! You do pop? Right?

(Popcorn people kind of hang their heads and shuffle around nervously)

(SIGN: Act nervous, uncomfortable, sweaty)

ATZ:

What? What did I say? I just made a joke! Popping. You know? ... Like popcorn? ..Popping? What?

N:

(Stepping back, big smile)

Oh, they pop alright. Orbille?.. Can you give our friend a play-by-play of this?

FCL 4:

(Acting like he's holding back)

Th-th-there's a little sweating involved..

(Others begin to act in chorus.. first shy... then more obvious)

And after you're sweating real good, you actually start sizzling!

(Others sizzle, too)

(SIGN: “Sizzle”)

FCL 4:

And that makes your arms kind of pull into your body... and you start to get small...

(Others do the same)

(SIGN: Get small)

FCL 4:

(Getting Excited)

And THEN, when you're really getting close .. and the pressure grows, builds, you you feel your tiny, sizzling hot body getting all EXPLOSIVE inside! And.. and THEN you come to a full sizzle,..

(Sign: Come to a full sizzle) (Others begin “big sizzle thing”.. )

FCL 4:

(Nearing frenzy)

And then EVERYTHING GOES CRAZY IN YOUR HEAD..and although it happens in an instant, it feels like everything goes in slow motion !!!!!!! .....POP!

(He 'pops' in slo mo, landing “popped” on stage.)

(At “pop” Others slo mo pop, too. Jump big while throwing open arms, land in any position)...

(SIGN: “Go ahead, POP!)

(Sign: slo motion. Land anywhere)

(Audience SHILLS 'pop'.. then at the right time, all lay exhausted for a moment.)

SIGN: (Be exhausted)

ATZ:

(Looking around at all the exhausted kernels)

Geez! What just happened here?

N:

Um, there's one other thing about these people.. Every time even one person brings up the subject of popping, well, they all get aroused.. and they like to pop in groups if you know what I mean, so if you find a large group of them out to have a good time, it's hard to avoid them going off at some point. Don't worry. It usually wears off in a few seconds.

(Others are now getting up)

You just accidentally triggered your first public, group orgasm.

ATZ:

Oh, geez, I didn't know...I mean, I'm really sorry.

FCL 4:

(Groggy, but patting him on the back)

Sorry? Why? We LOVE doing that! Thank you, my friend!

(Other kernels nod agreement..)

FCL 4:

See? We all appreciate a good pop-off! Thank you, Earther, from all of us!

ATZ:

Ahem. Yes, well, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

FCL 4:

Why would we be embarrassed for having a orgasm in public? It's how we celebrate life! It's fun! It makes us laugh. That's what life is all about, my Earther friend. How little you understand.

(SIGN: Be grateful but tired)

FCL 4:

Anyway... As I was saying, we're proud to be your third offworld experience. Our presentation tonight is intended to inform and entertain you about our universe... in a rapping kernel of popcorn kind of way..

(RAP artists Dressed in Sumo suits get up after 'popping' and bow politely when introduced.)

(Band sets beat,..RAP SONG begins)

RAPPERS:

(Wearing sumo wrestling suits, wandering the stage as they perform.)

We thought we'd introduce you to some universal truth

You're just an infant race of man, Earth's only in it's youth

Although you think you're pretty smart, you don't know Jack, my friend

But listen to our rap right here right now, and listen to the end.

Think back a thousand years or so, before telephones or computers.

When men in horse-drawn carriages were your cutting-edge commuters.

You've learned lot in one thousand years, you've got internet and HD.

Now how much will you know a MILLION YEARS from now.. Still not as much as me.

You don't know how things work out in the universe, so I'm going to try to open up your eyes

Just like Earth, we do have an internet, with instant access to every planet in the skies

From the knowledge of the old ones, to the rapping of the bold ones,

UNET connects us all in real time

Our advice to you is listen up. Your world has got to change.

This fan club your meeting can help you out. Get you rearranged.

We'll help you out. Come save your asses. Give you free passes.

That's what we're here to say. Listen up today. .. Let's start the classes.

You've come a long way up to now, but you ain't there yet.

You ain't gone anywhere near the places that you can get.

Your telephones, got a couple aps, you think that's fine.

Well my hookup is a SEND. Long distance without end.. .. and I can walk into mine.

Just dial 1-800 universe, and step right through..to the other end of the call.

So for me to travel between planets, it takes no time at all.

So next time you make a phone call, recognize how primitive,

all you Earthers are, on that tiny little planet that you live.

Here's another thing you ought to know, it's the way offworlders think.

Life is not about accumulating s**t. Life's to laugh, and dance, and drink.

And if you people think sex is beautiful, f**k. Out here we think it's amazing.

By the way, you can have sex with some of us.. but you're just rookies.. be prepared for a hazing.

We got a lot of evolution going on, we know things you can't even dream.

We've been around for millions of years. You starting to pick up on the theme?

All we want you to do, is to listen tonight. Observe what's going on.

Alright, message sent. We're Phonics Anon....... And that's the end of the song.

(SIGN: Applause)

ATZ:

Rapping popcorn.. I did not see that coming...

FCL 4:

Pretty cool, huh? We figured we'd get you with that.

ATZ:

OK, guys, I understand the whole SEND thing, but what was that about having fun? Life's to laugh, dance and drink? Reeeally. That's what you believe in? Partying?

FCL 4:

Pretty much, yah.

(SIGN: Vigorous agreement & nods)

N:

So what do you have to say now that you've met the Poppin chapter of your fan club?...

ATZ:

Well I've gotta say I like their philosophy... Public orgasms, Life is for fun! Nice....

N:

You're catching on, Earther.. Now it's time for us to head out to the Glass Galaxy, to meet your fan club on a planet named Clear..., It may interest you to know that the planet's population is 90% female.

ATZ:

Nine women for every guy?

N:

That is correct, and like the other planets, they know you're coming. Goodbye everybody!

ATZ:

:) Pop on! ..Oh, geez, there they go again!

(Others start to sizzle as they leave..)

(SIGN: Start sizzling again)

CROWD:

(begins 'popping' as they near the SEND, N stops for a moment to say..)

N:

Oh, one other thing... The girls on Clear... are invisible.

(They enter the SEND)

(BLACKOUT)

Scene:

(Lights down... Monitors show water to a horizon)

(SIGN: 'Now on planet Clear')

(Lights up on empty stage, only a SEND is visible.)

(Sign: 'Girls are now invisible! Additional sign ready: 'Not silent! Just invisible'.)

A sexy voice is heard, announcing.)

SEXY VOICE:

OK everybody! Our favorite Earther is about to come through the SEND.. What do you say, girls? When he steps through, I want you to go nuts.. give him a big welcome! READY???

(They step through)

(Sign: Girls only! Loud screams.)

CROWD

(Loud cheers)

ATZ:

(Looking around room, confused.)

Hold on! I thought you said they were 90% women here? How come the audience is only a few men?

N:

Remember, ATZ, The women are invisible. You can see the men.

ATZ:

So how do I know there are any....

(begins to squirm.. pleasantly.. slowly..)

..um, well... women here.

(Squirms more)

N:

Who do you think's feeling you up, dude?

FCL 5:

(Invisible. Audio only / sexy voice)

Welcome, welcome, welcome.. our gorgeous Earther friend. Ooooo.! We are the Clear chapter of your fan club.. My name is Ssssss... My Earther name is SeeThru, .. We're also proud to be included in your offworld experience, and we have also prepared a little sompin sompin for your enjoyment. .. and ours!

SECOND SEXY VOICE:

On Clear, there are nine women for every man... So a typical family has one male, and nine wives... . And if ever our man goes away, when we come together again, it is traditional to lay hands on our man.

FCL 5:

(Sexy voice only)

So tonight, the nine luckiest of we girls are going to welcome you to Clear in the traditional way. By performing the Planet Clear “ManGreet” Ceremony)

(Musical background begins)

ATZ:

(Pretending nine invisible women are touching him in the “traditional” Clear way.)

SEVERAL FEMALE VOICES:

(Audio only)

(Laughing, giggling, being naughty, while sexy voice explains what's happening to ATZ. All

pre-taped so ATZ can time some of his moves)

FCL 5 VOICE:

Girls! Let's show him how to do this.. Earther, we need you to enter from the left of the stage, as though you are coming home after a long absence.

(He does, voice continues).

The ceremony begins with light touching.. First a hair tousle, some playing with the ears,

(audio girl-giggling, mmm)..

then a shoulder rub.. The girls split into three groups, with two touching and massaging the man's back and front at the same time... as the third team girls begin to massage the feet and lower body... They will all work toward the man's “um, Central Zone”

(ATZ perks up, sexy voice & giggling continues).

Eventually, all nine girls concentrate on satisfying you.... very pleasantly...

(Eventually it's over, and ATZ is spent, laying on the stage).

N:

Earther? Atz? You alright?

ATZ:

(Blissful, making happy faces)

I'm stayin'.

N:

NNNNot it the plans, Dude! Get yourself together. Before we head out, do you have anything to say to the Clear girls?

ATZ:

(Ad lib) Aw geez,.. Can they come along? I mean, who's gonna know?

N:

(Shaking head, indicating no.)

And now it's time for us to head out to the End of the Road Galaxy, to meet your fan club on planet Homer. BTW, these people also know you're coming, and they'll go nuts when you step out...

(They move toward the SEND. N halts and adds..)

Oh, one other thing... On Homer, life evolved from sex-crazed conspiracy theorists.

ATZ / N:

(While walking toward the SEND) “Goodbye everybody!”

(Sign: 'Ladies, Sexy goodbyes'.)

(They exit, though the SEND. Lights out.)

Scene:

(Lights down.. stage set for planet Homer. Chorus Two is present, as is FCL 6, wearing extra-tuffs and Carhardts)

(Lights up on stage.)

(SIGN: 'Now on planet Homer')

FCL 6:

OK everybody! Our favorite Earther is about to come through the SEND.. When he steps through, I want you to go nuts.. give him an end-of-the-road ...big welcome! READY???

(They step through)

(SIGN: Sex-crazed applause!)

FCL 6:

Welcome, welcome, welcome.. Earther! We are the Homer chapter of your fan club.. My Earther name is John Doe. Actually, all of us are named John Doe. We're proud to be your fourth offworld experience. Our world is most unique in that we have multiple sexual habits and attractions... ... And we have also prepared a little sompin sompin for you.

CHORUS TWO:

(SINGS...tune of: “Cause I'm a woman, w o m-a-n.)

Welcome to Homer, do you want to have sex?

We can do it however... how do you like it best?...

One man and one woman, might seem pretty fun,

But do that on Homer, and you've only just begun...

Welcome to Homer... H O M E .. aR aR aR...

We've got a lot of ways to “do it”

... and we do it all the ways that there are....

How about woman on woman, it's a beautiful thing...

Or go mano e mano, for a couple of queens..

or mix it together, any two can get 'er done..

Because here in Homer, we just wanna have fun.

Welcome to Homer... H O M E .. aR aR aR...

We've got a lot of ways to “do it” ...

and we do it all the ways that there are....

You can check out our muscles, or fix up our hair...

(the stuff on our heads, - not the stuff that's down there...)

Some of us shave things, and some of us don't...

Some of us will “do ya”, and some of us won't..

Welcome to Homer... H O M E .. aR aR aR...

We've got a lot of ways to “do it” ...

(Sexy soloist)Maybe that's we we're so Pop-U-lar...

(Sign: “applause”)

FCL:

So what do you have to say now that you've met the Homer chapter of your fan club?...

ATZ:

:) (Ad lib) Friendly, very friendly... very, very, veeery friendly. Have they ever met the girls on Clear?

N:

Maybe you could introduce them?

ATZ:

Could I?

N:

Not tonight, my horny Earther friend.. because now it's time for us to head out to the Streetfair Galaxy, to meet your fan club on a planet named (GESTURE)... BTW, these people also know you're coming, and they'll go nuts when you step out... Oh, one other thing... They evolved from MIMEs.

(They head toward the SEND)

ATZ / N:

Goodbye everybody!”

(Sign: 'bye bye!')

Scene:

(Lights down.. stage set for planet StreetFair.)

(Lights up.)

(SIGN: 'Now on planet Streetfair')

FCL 7:

(wildly Gesturing only)

OK everybody! Our favorite Earther is about to come through the SEND.. When he steps through, I want you to go nuts.. give him a great-big welcome! READY???

(Sign: Now You're MIMEs.. gestures only.)

(They step through)

(SIGN: Wave hands loudly)

FCL 7:

(Gesturing while “N” interprets outloud.)

Welcome, Earther! We are the (Gesture) chapter of your fan club.. I am (gesture), my Earther name is Marcell Marceau. We are aware that Earthers enjoy sex.

ATZ:

Reeeeeeally? I didn't know our reputation had spread way out here! Wow!

FCL 7:

(Gesturing while “N” interprets outloud.)

(N) Oh, yes! It's one of the reasons everyone in the universe wants to meet an Earther.

ATZ:

Reeeeeally! Because we're good at sex?

(Enthusiastic “yes” gestures from all)

(SIGN: “Nod vigorously”)

FCL 7:

(Gesturing while “N” interprets outloud.)

(N) Our world is most unique in that...

ATZ:

Wait.. I've got this one... You communicate without speaking! Right?”

FCL 7:

(Gesturing while “N” interprets outloud.)

(N) Well, yeah, but also... Our world is most unique in that...we are all hung like horses.

(Have trouble with translation... make “N” whinny, rear up, snort, etc..).

We're proud to be your fourth offworld experience, and we have also prepared a little sompin sompin for your enjoyment.

(Soundless mime chorus (Chorus One) lines up and badly mimes (pick a pantomime), over-acting out each lyric-badly)

(then after,)...

FCL 7:

So what do you have to say now that you've met the Streetfair chapter of your fan club?...

ATZ:

(ad libs, while translator follows with bogus sign language.. to the effect “I wish my girlfriend was from here.)

FCL 7:

(Interpreted by N)

Thank you for coming, Earther. She's welcome any time.

N:

Time to keep moving, Atz..

ATZ / N:

“Goodbye everybody!”

(SIGN: Loud gesturing)

(SEND appears, is lit, and they “disappear” into it. Lights dark, room dark.)

(SEGWAY TO “AT THE BAR” SCENE)

(Voices only in the dark after players exit through SEND)

N:

(voice only)

How are we doing so far?

ATZ:

(voice only)

Man, this has been wild. I'm pooped a little.

N:

(voice only)

I thought you might be by now. Maybe we should talk? I know a nice quiet little joint with some of the cutest waitresses in this galaxy. You need another beer?

ATZ:

(voice only)

Sounds good to me.

SCENE:

Front stage. Spot light on. The two emerge from the SEND near the corner of the bar (set), and sit there. Hot waitress shows up, wearing another outfit, and gets them drinks.)

N:

You're having quite a day! You starting to figure things out?

ATZ:

Not really, but I'm having a helluva good time. I've got a question for you, N. Back there the guy said everyone knows that Earthers are good at sex. How is that so? ... And what's going on here? Why do I have a fan club with chapters on planets all over the universe? And how would people on other planets even know anything about Earthers..? I don't see any reason why hundreds of ETs would think of me as their, what? Hero? It just doesn't make sense.

N:

Heh, heh, heee! Yet there they are. And it's not hundreds in your fan club. It's well over a million members strong.

ATZ:

(Amazed)

WHAT?”

N:

Don't let it go to your head, Atz, every Earther has a huge fan club. A lot are much bigger than yours.

ATZ:

I hope you're going to explain that..

N:

Yup. It's simple, really. Think back to the big earthquake in Haiti... Everyone on Earth knew those people needed help, and everyone chipped in to help them. Same deal with Earth... But the whole universe knows you're in trouble, so we put up a site on the UNET asking for help, then we posted a fan club page for each Earther alive. Considering there are trillions of interested observers “out there”, everyone on Earth has a huge fan club!

ATZ:

I still don't get it.

N:

Let me see if I can help... with a little song ..

(keyboard tinkling behind dialog)...

A long time ago...

(Lights come up on center stage, show CHORUS ONE, singing echoes)

CHORUS ONE:

(Echoes, softly singing)

“A long time ago...”

N:

(Speaking, accompanied by CHORUS singing. They are off to one side, dimly lit.)

Back when your ancestors lived in caves...

(Chorus sings: “caveman noises”)

... ahem... They would sit around fires, looking up into the night sky.

(Chorus sings, soft) “Lookin at that universe”

All they could see were tiny points of light, and they believed that in them they saw animals, and warriors, and pictures up in the stars... and they named the constellations.. and they continued staring up at them...

(Chorus sings, soft) “Lookin at that universe”

Time went by, and your ancestors grew in knowledge,

(Chorus sings, soft) “they got book-learnin”

...Ahem,, And they built telescopes that could see out into the universe....

(Chorus sings, soft) “Studying the universe”

And they learned that our sun,.. is just like all those stars out there. And they discovered that Earth is only one planet in a solar system of 8 planets orbiting our star.

(Chorus sings) “Or maybe nine.”

..ahem. And that along with billions of other solar systems, together we form a single galaxy...

(Chorus sings, getting louder) “The Milky Way”

and that entire galaxy, along with billions of other galaxies... forms a tremendous universe filled with Billions and Trillions of stars..

(Chorus sings louder...As angels) “AAHHHH”

(Music comes down, above song continues)

And now today,

(Chorus sings) “Only recently”

..ahem... As I was saying, today you are just now beginning to discover how vast that universe is... your Earth scholars are barely starting to understand the possibility that orbiting those stars out there, there might be. other worlds where life has survived... Well there are...

(Chorus sings) “Trillions of planets..in the universe!”

And yet, even today, when you sit in circles around fires... you still look up at the stars...

Every one of you still asks the same question.

(Chorus sings, quiet) Is there anybody out there?

Well pretty soon, my friend, Earth's gonna learn ...

(Chorus sings) Listen carefully

Your not alone. (he gets louder)...There are trillions of planets out in the universe.

(Chorus One sings) “It's amazing.”

and on two-hundred Billion,..

(Pause to let that sink in)

of those planets in the universe,

(Chorus One sings) “two-hundred Billion”

New friends.... have been waiting, to meet you.

(SONG UPTEMPO)(Spiritual?)

(CHORUS TWO light comes up. Singing begins, clapping and swaying as they sing.)

CHORUS TWO:

(Singing loud)

And we're coming down..

(Oh yeah)

we're coming down.

(Coming down)

Pretty darn soon, we're coming down... (You're gonna love it!)

We're gonna fix you up, be your brand new friends...

and you'll all be better off,.. in the end.

We'll clean up your skies, fix your rivers and streams,

We'll help you make Earth the planet... of you dreams..

'Cause we're coming down..

(Oh yeah)

we're coming down.

(Coming down)

Pretty darn soon, we're coming down...

Life will be good, just wait and see..

We've got the technology.. to do it... easily.

And we'll feed the kids, House the wretched poor..

You just won't have any problems any more..

'Cause we're coming down..

(Oh yeah)

we're coming down.

(Coming down)

Pretty darn soon, we're coming down...

FINISH THIS SONG...second refrain, slows at the final line,, N says: “So you get the message yet?” then final “we're coming down.” ends the song. N in a big pose..

(After the song, chorus joins them on set, sitting at their feet or some like pose,.. listening and reacting as the following unfolds)

ATZ:

Wow. You're coming down to Earth? And you're going to fix everything? OK. That's big. ...but I still don't get it. Why the fan club? And why are you showing me all this?”

N:

Well, because Earth is a pretty tricky place.. you see, we tried this once already.. back in 1947 ..

(Video shown on all monitors)

we dropped off a UFO just outside Roswell for your inspection. We assumed that it would serve as proof that there was life outside Earth... But your authorities hid the truth from you....

ATZ:

Yeah, they'll do that...

(Chorus nods, shruggs shoulders)

N:

Sooo,... we didn't come down that time. Then... We put together plan B. Five years later, in 1952.

(Video on monitors)

We didn't want to scare you again, so we used small, non-threatening, craft piloted by grade-school kids over your Capitol building in Washington DC... Several children put on an aerial exhibition using fifteen dancing UFOs .. to show Earthers that we are here!.

ATZ:

So how'd that work out?

N:

It scared the crap out of you, so, not so good. To begin, your military sent up fighter jets to shoot them down. (Monitor Video shows jets)

While that was happening, your intelligence agencies started making up stories to hide the fact that we had come... and all the while your political leaders were scurrying into well-stocked underground bunkers,

(Video shows Cheyenne Mountain or such)

preparing to survive what they assumed would be a nuclear war with us...

ATZ:

And what? You were scared off again? Afraid of a few nukes?

(Chorus laughs, as a few 'others' from other fan clubs begin to step through the SEND and join the gathering crowd on stage listening to the tale.)

N:

Hardly. But we figured if we did come down to say “take me to your leader” you'd try to shoot us out of the skies before we landed, and although we'd be just fine, you'd probably nuke yourselves in the process... And while it was happening, Earthers exhibited fear, rather then expectation...

ATZ:

So not the perfect plan.. Da?

N:

So.... we retreated into the universe again, and set about formulating Plan “C”... which you are witnessing tonight.

ATZ:

Plan “C” is to put on drunken comedy shows in bars?”

N:

Well, that's part of it.. But before we could put on these shows in bars, we had to make fan clubs like yours happen. Then we could “show” you that every Earther has a fan club with a million members or more, what's going to happen, and that it's all good news.

ATZ:

Huh?

N:

On the day of contact... this time... every Earther will be informed that they are heroes, each with a fan club of their own.

ATZ:

How does that change anything?

N:

It changes everything. First, they'll all be invited to meet their fan clubs, just like you are doing tonight. Make a few million friends. Then when you begin to understand all this, we're going to help you totally rebuild your planet,. The right way. We'll bring our technology, our tools, even the labor to do it. All free!

ATZ:

Bullshit! No way. Nobody's gonna believe that. Why would you do that?

N:

To begin, it's not that big a deal. To quote the Six Million Dollar Man, 'We have the technology. We can rebuild it, make it better then it was.' But it doesn't end there. We also have the time, money, ability, and a few trillion volunteers who would love to visit Earth and help with the reconstruction... while your fan clubs take you on the vacation of a lifetime!

ATZ:

You kidding me? Your plan is to completely rebuild Earth? ...and pay for it? ..and we don't have to pay you back?

N:

Yup. That's the plan.

ATZ:

So you'd completely erase our culture?

N:

We'd rather completely expose your culture. Right now most Earthers vision of a better Earth is far different from your reality. You struggle... a lot. True?

ATZ:

What's your point?

N:

Fan clubs, and offworlder help and financing, means no one struggles anymore. You're free to build the world you want. We just want to help you fix the problems.. We enable that. YOU are your culture. Build the Earth you want.

ATZ:

.......(Long pause).....Won't work. No way. No one will trust you. They'll fight it all the way.

N:

(Almost laughing)

We know that. But our only other option is to leave you alone.

ATZ:

So why not just...”

N:

You know why. As a race of man, you are children, even infants. Unfortunately you're very gifted children... So smart you've already developed almost uncountable ways to destroy your entire world. Eventually you'll kill yourselves. You'll kill your planet. Probably both. Think about those cavemen with doomsday weapons in Act I. That's you. You'll never make it out into the stars without our help. You just won't last that long. You're too primitive.

ATZ:

Are you kidding me?

N:

No. Need another beer? Sessoon? Two please?

(Hot waitress, in another wild outfit, takes the order.)

ATZ:

So we'll all die?

N:

Or you can can have everything.

(Hot waitress brings two beers on a tray... they pause while thinking that over.)

ATZ:

Yep.. Well, that's worth thinking over, isn't it? (They take a slow drink.).

N:

So back to the beginning.

(He rises, music starts, and he begins to sing. Gathered audience on stage parts to let him through, and he wonders the stage while singing..)

N:

(Sings)

My mission here tonight, has almost reached its end..

and may I say, it has been an honor, my new friend.

Tonight you've traveled in the stars, and had a little fun.

but the message you received, must soon be spread to everyone..

Every Earther has a fan club, just like the folks you met..

With a million friends who want to give you all that you can get.

You are rich my friend, and every other Earther is rich too.

With a fan club looking out for what is best for each of you.

So my mission here tonight has been to help to make you wise,

to about a million friends of yours, who live up in the skies..

Pretty soon we'll get together, Pretty soon we're coming down,.

And each Earther will find out then.. what you've already found.

ATZ:

(Sarcastic)

Wow. That is cool. Earth is saved.. I gotta admit, I was a little worried. I mean, things are out of control on this planet, Everyone knows that. But thank god you guys are going to save our asses!..

N:

You sound skeptical. It promises to be a pretty big day on Earth, don't you think?

ATZ:

Ha, ha, ha,.. Oh yeah, It'll be a big day alright... but I'm not sold on things going quite as peaceful as you seem to think... You have no idea how stupid our leaders are,.. heh, heh. Let me ask you.. When is the last time you dealt with a stupid, angry, and violent race of man with big weapons?

N:

Well, it's been a while.. because there are no such races of man.. except Earthers.

ATZ:

Just as I thought.. and no experience at all. You think we're just going to let you take over Earth because you bring wisdom, experience, and large gifts and contributions that can make our world better? Heh, heh,.. I got news for you.. We're not nearly that smart... No sir! We'll fight this every way we can..

(As music starts, Atz rises, then sings, to the tune of 'Herod's Song' from JC Superstar.)

ATZ:

(Sings)

Here's a few predictions, on the way this all could go,

on the day you come to Earth, to let everyone know...

On the big day, you'll all be wearing smiles,

but things might not go quite the way you planned it... for a while..

On first contact day, things might not go your way..

Earthers are a stubborn lot... (Trust me, Some of you'll get shot.)

Some of you're going to die, If you come from the sky... That might not be so smooth.

Offworlders should realize, how dangerous this is,

We don't like you telling us, how we should do our biz..

We just don't like, being told what we should do.

If taking over Earth's your plan, here's some advice for you.

Before you come down, better first look around.

Rednecks will just laugh at you, (Check Amendment number two).

They might blow you away, “Hell, that just made my day!” ...... This might not all go smooth.

You say you can fix up all our governments and laws.

Trust me, when you tell them that, it just might give them pause.

Ooo, legislators will gum up all the works.

Add lawyers, and big business,. they're all a bunch of jerks.

You might think you're being nice, well, then here's some advice.

You'll be an invading force, (So we''ll go to war of course)

This ain't no cinch, we get mean in a pinch..

This might not all go,...

Hey! You, might, not mean us harm, but, you'll raise an alarm!

(What if we're too dumb to see? ... “Thay aint all as smart as me!”)

I gotta say, that on first contact day..

Things might not go that ... This might not all go,... This might not go that smooth.

N:

Nice song, but you are wrong. The fan clubs will be friends... and inform every single Earther that...

ATZ:

...that he is a hostage?

N:

No! That he has a fan club who are friends... Who know about you...

ATZ:

Oh... That you've been spying on them?

N:

No! Not that we...

ATZ:

(dismissing him with a wave of the hand)

First you'll have to get close enough to talk to them. You come down in UFOs out in public and scare Earthers, and the shooting will start before you even touch down. If any Earther disappears into a UFO, the crowds �" and the media �" would go crazy! “They've taken hostages!” Riots will break out, Armies will go on alert,... and you're screwed.

N:

But our message is of peace, and we come to help with your planet's problems...

ATZ:

Heh, heh,.. and free money too, I'd guess. Come on. No one will buy that.

N:

...? They won't believe?

ATZ:

Of course not. Earthers are suspicious, and religious. They don't play well with things that come out of the skies. No one will believe you are simply a few trillion good-natured new friends who want to help us. What's your ulterior motive? Only a warrior race from space who wants us for food would make such an offer, Heh, heh,.. Or...the Devil offering unearned wealth to grab their eternal souls!.. Heh,.. And ...Every church will fight you. Every private militia will isolate inside their compounds. No government will view you as anything other than suspicious. While they are talking with you all they'll be thinking about is finding your weakness. How can they destroy you. That's what will be in their minds.

N:

Hah, hah,.. And again, we understand that.. and that's ONE reason we're here tonight. To telegraph ahead of our actual visit, the message that we are fun to party with... We're not invaders, we're just older siblings trying to help you through a rough spot in your development..

ATZ:

You're trying to introduce yourselves by putting on drunken shows in bars for Earthers?

N:

Heh, heh,.. Nah. That we do for us... You've got this a little backwards.

(He rises to sing.. music starts.)

N:

(Sings)

It's not you meeting us. It's us meeting you.

There are one hundred thirteen people in this bar.

But Trillions of Offworlders on billions of planets

are watching this show from the stars..

After 40 Million years, we're here to say, soon,

the Family of Man will grow by one.

So this is our “First contact” pre-game show.

It helps us to stretch out the fun,

Tonight the universe, is having some laughs...

because we're watching Earthers do what they do.

Trillions of Offworlders on billions of planets

Have all enjoyed laughing with you.

We know that you are scared... and Earth is screwed up.

We hope tonight's show took your mind off of that.

But take solace in the fact that now you know

we're coming down in nothin flat

You see, that is the reason, we put on these shows.

We just want to see what Earth is like.

But now that a few of you know, we're coming to fix things,

you guys can all rest easy tonight.

ATZ:

Wait a minute! So this whole crazy “meet your fan club” thing is just crap? This show is for Offworlders? You're observing us for our reactions? This is a pre-invasion recon mission or something?

N:

No! Geez, ATZ. Take it easy, huh? Your fan club, that's real. And everyone else's fan club, that's all real. And first contact with Earth. THAT, is all real. The only mistake you made is that you suggested that this show was all put together for 113 people sitting in this bar.

Dude. Tonight we've had an audience of trillions! Engineer! Throw up the UNET feed, please.

(On all monitors, simulated 'UNET' coverage, showing the live shot, but with a scroll under, and UNET logo at one corner.)

N:

There, lower corner. It shows 26 trillion UNET viewers online right now. And they're all learning about Earthers.

ATZ:

By watching a drunken comedy show?

N:

It's a strange and wonderful universe, don't you think?

(SEND lights up, and the entire cast rises, to sing the finale song. As they do, N does a lead-in:

N:

(Sing-speaking)

This might just be a drunken show in a bar,

or this might be an in.tro.duc...tion.

But the bottom line right now is.. Our message has been sent!

..And it's tiiiime, for the big pro.duuuuuc,... shun!

BIG FINALE

(Lights 'adjust'.. Players get set..)(Choruses organize on the stages)

(Drumbeat starts.. solo.. into) (Center Stage) (Lights up)

CHORUS ONE:

(Singing, dancing)

This is just your standard drunken comedy show, with a cast that came down from the stars...

We're looking for some Earthers who enjoy having fun.. and we found them hanging out in the bars.

We came to spread the message that the Earth is not doomed, we'd like to help you out if we can,

So we're taking over Earth without firing a shot... Doing drunken shows in bars is our plan..

(Lights up on N.)

N:

(Sings)

Tonight you've watched the star of our comedy show, meet some friends, who live far away.

And even though they come from very diff.er.ent worlds, they all like to sing, laugh, dance and play.

We came to tell you life is not about what you own, it's not about power or wealth.

Life is about living, and drunken shows in bars, ..And life's about enjoying yourself

BOTH CHORUSES:

(Singing)

(Key lift) First contact day, we're gonna take over Earth, fix it up, and make it brand new.

And while we're doing that you'll get a vacation of sorts... To do the things that you want to do.

You can travel through the universe, your fan clubs would love, to play around like we did tonight.

And when you come back to Earth, we hope you'll feel good, and accept our help making Earth right.

ATZ:

(Singing, dancing)

I just met my fan club from the universe, I gotta say it was a whole lot of fun!

It started in a bar called Alabaster Delight, then six more planets before it was done.

And here's a word for those of you who watched the whole thing, there's a fan club waiting for you, too.

So help us spread the word around to all your Earther friends, so when they come down, we'll know what to do!

(N)

(Singing, dancing)

So far tonight one seven-billionth part of our plan, has worked out pretty well.

One Earther has met his fan club out there in space, you've seen the story he has to tell.

And now it's up to all of you to give us a hand, begin to spread the word around town.

If you need to fill in details, here's one fact you should know... we're gonna party when come down!

('nuther Key lift..)

ALL:

(Singing, dancing)

So fire up the barbecue and stock up on snacks, for the day we're coming down to say hi.

When all of you who've seen our drunken comedy show, will meet your fan clubs from up in the sky.

A billion UFOs will fill the skies overhead, each one will bring along a few of your friends.

And with a little luck, we'll finally hammer plowshares from swords, and rampant peace will breakout in the end.

(Headlines on monitor. “New World!” ... “Pollution reversed!” .. “Free Energy!”... “Earth Saved!” shown behind Choreographed big ending)

EVERYONE ON STAGE

(Singing, dancing)

We know no one believes in drunken comedy shows. Or singing chickens, or popcorn that raps..

Maybe Earth is doomed and we are all gonna die, but at least we've had a couple good lafs.

And who knows who is watching us from up in the sky? Maybe some of this stuff could come true,

But if the Earth is going to start making sense anytime soon, my friends, That one's up to you.

... CAST PARADE

Fin

***

ADDITIONAL INPUT...

If this show is performed as written every time, obvious ad libs will change nightly performances. However, it might be fun (and very easy) to insert (or replace) visits to other worlds, making the show fresh at each performance.

Suggestions may include visiting a planet where life has evolved from microwave ovens (things happen fast there),.. or from bait (V. funny possibilities)... or from Lawyers...(Performance is a disclaimer) or from politicians...(lying b******s), clowns, accordion players, fishermen (Bad Liars w/extendable arms), eagles, “Oil” executives, sexy librarians, moose, cats, dogs, Foley artists, characters from the cast of The Wizard Of Oz, habitual gamblers,... (You get the idea). We could do it annually, change the show every year, or even every month.

I've saved my favorite idea for last. For extreme insanity, the show may each time visit the planet “Improv”, where the audience imposes the “offworld conditions” and the cast improvises the entire scene.

For information, details, or (especially) if you have feedback on this show, please contact me:

Dax Radtke.. 907-299-0319, or [email protected].

Author's Note

This is intended as a small show, to be performed in bars and nightclubs. I'd love your input on any level. Thanx. dax

Reviews

[LynLee]

WOW this was long! but i read the funny! this would be an awesome show!