A Mythtake of Olympic Proportions!

What happens when the Greek gods return to modern day New York?

Sept 29, 2010 

"Hello. You've reached the voicemail of Hera. Please leave a message at the tone." Here, her voice turned coy, "If this is Herc, try my other number...  Beeeeep"

 "Wait! What other number? Herc? Titans be damned. Hera, it's Zeus. Pick up, or something. Damn it! Where's Hermes when you need him?" 

From behind him in line for the phone a voice chimed in, "Dude, you know Hermes? He's like the hottest NASCAR driver out there, I mean fast! Woah, is that thunder?" 

"Shut up," Zeus growled loudly. "I'm on the ... speech mail here. Hera! I need you to come resc... pick me up. I'm in a bit of a... Look just come get me. I'm at some place called NYPD Central Lockup. They say I only get one call on these phone things each day. By the Pantheon, didn't these people learn anything from the people of Babel? I can barely pull any power in this monstrosity of metal."

"Alright, back to your cell. Your time's up." The uniformed guard informed Zeus with a look in his eye that had Zeus not been a god, he might have recognized as power madness.

"Let's go! Move it!" Zeus, having had enough, drew his power and sent a lightning bolt at the guard. Unfortunately it was damped by the metal in the building and only managed a bit more than a static shock. 

 "That's it!" shouted the guard. "That's the last time you try that trick."  Zeus barely had time to register the twin metal threads heading his way when the electricity coursed through his body and dropped him, convulsing to the floor. Zeus could only watch through pain filled eyes as the guard and other prisoners laughed at the spreading pool at his legs. I'm a god, god damnit, he thought. How could I be force to suffer this ignoble fate? 

 

September 30, 2010 

"Hello, You've reached the voicemail of Hera. Please leave a message at the tone. If this is Herc, try my other number...   Beeeeeep."

 "By Charybdus, woman. Where in Hades are you? My new 'friend', Elroy is big enough to put Hephaestus to shame and he wants to 'introduce' me to his lightning bolt. He says it'll be shocking. Now I know how those maidens felt when I came down as a bull and... For god's sake, I shouldn't have to put up with this. If we were in Greece, I'd have turned him into a swan and had my way with him, but no more sacrifices means we have little power. I have to use all I have just to drown out his snoring so I can get a modicum of rest in here. Return my ca..." Beeeeeep. 

 October 1, 2010 

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Hera. Please leave a message at the tone. If this is Herc, try my other number... Beeeeep." 

"Hera!" Zeus gathered all his will and thundered into the phone,"PICK UP NOW!" 

There was a faint click before slightly muffled dance music began playing through the receiver.

 "Hera? Poseidon's mildewed balls! Can you hear me?" 

"Dude, you know Poseidon? After he broke every one of Michael Phelps records, nobody can even get an interview with him. Woah, is that thunder?"

"Shut up," growled Zeus. "Hera..." he stopped short as he heard the voice coming out of the phone, muffled as it was. 

"Hey there, big boy, have I got some tests to put you through! Dance that thing over here, there's plenty more of these dead senators... Uhm... Presidents, where this one came from. Oh! There's no room left to shove it in there, it's so full..." 

"Hera! I can hear you, you brazen hussy. Where in Hades are you? Answer me!" The music continued to play behind what could only be feminine giggling. Suddenly there was a shuffling sound, some clicks, then dead silence.

 "Time's up, Zeus," said the smiling guard holding the tazer with great anticipation. 

 October 3, 2010

 "Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Hera. Please leave a message at the tone. If this is Herc, try my other number... Beeeeep." 

"Hera, this has been going on far too long. You're not still sore over that incident with the two virgin damsels, the shepherd, and the three rams, are you?" 

"I talked to my lawyer, yesterday. Lawyer! Oh the titans, what manner of creature have they created? And we thought that Norse god, Loki was a trickster..." 

"Dude, you know Loki? He... Woah, is that thunder?" 

"Shut up, before I turn you into a fish!" 

"Anyway, he said he thought he could get me out on an insanity plea, whatever that is. Did I ever even tell you what they brought me in here for? I went to the Oracle of 'Library' and when I couldn't get anything out of the box of lights, I asked the priest behind the altar for help. When he looked at me in disgust and said I was an idiot and couldn't even do the f*****g mouse, I took it as a challenge. How was I supposed to know that stupid ovoid on a wire was a 'mouse'? I'm still not sure why he was so upset after I changed him back to human. I've done mortals as horses, bulls, even once as an elephant (oh, that trunk had possibilities). A mouse... Well that was hardly even invasive. And he squeaked so heartily. Yet here I am, awaiting a hearing with the judge. 

"Zeus..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, showertime, again..." 

 October 7, 2010 

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Hera. Please leave a message at the tone. If this is Herc, try my other number... Beeeeep." 

"Hera, I guess I don't need you anymore. They're letting me out on some riding beast called my own pair of recogniz ants. Hmmm giant ants. Possibilities... I've heard you're hanging out with Athena, now. Gods, that one gave me a headache." 

"Dude, you know Athe..." 

"Shut up, you cod!" And he was one, flopping across the floor and gasping for air. Zeus continued without a moments notice, "We need to catch up, Hera. I hate to admit it, but I'm not assimilating as well as you." 

"Zeus!" .

"Yeah, I know. Time to play 'climb Mt. Olympus..." 

 October 10,2010 

Hera turned to the driver and his companion as they sped down the interstate. "What are your names, again? Chip and Dale?" 

"No, silly. That's our job. I'm Ramon and that's Jean Paul. And who is your lovely friend?"

"This is Athena Parthenos, her friends call her Virgin Athena, but I think she's tiring of that nickname." 

Laughter filled the car as it sped by a ragged looking man on the side of the road with a small raincloud hovering scant inches over his head. He held a cell phone to his ear with one hand. The other was at his side holding a sign that read: Will work for sacrifice.

"Booo dooo deee... I'm sorry, but the number you are trying to reach: 555-7843, has been disconnected at the users request. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please dial your number again..."

Author's Note

I was challenged by miss Shawn to do a humor short story. So here it is. Let me know if you liked it

Reviews

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Very interesting and enjoyable read. It made me laugh.
I like the creative direction you took with the characters.
It could even be a movie..lol

[Crow]

Freud would have loved to perhaps analyze you...I cannot believe you did this on your iPhone, how long? Love the humor.

oh that was horrible. and by horrible I mean awesome.

[Roxi L]

The story was good and I liked it.. It was boring to me though...I LOVE GREEK MYTHOLOGY AND POSEIDON IS MY DADDY!!! LOL!!!
Roxi

[JelliFyshKissUs]

You are truly twisted. I've never felt sorry for Zeus, but I do now. I laughed and I cried( from laughter). I just want to know who the guy was behind him in line for the phone. I knew you could do it.