Gnomes

Gnomes experiment, and eveything that can go wrong will go wrong. My attempt at "humor"

Brenier’s short, slender fingers held the fly’s tiny carcass closely up to his sculpted face, his gnomish features outlined in torchlight, to better scrutinize. It was such a tiny thing, the fly, and he regretted having taken it from its windowsill perch. Ah, but it certainly hadn’t died for naught, the little thing, for it’s death had been vital to Brenier and the rest of the gnomish group’s experimentation.

“Worry not, little friend,” he whispered as he gave the insect a light shake, “our intentions are for a good cause.”

“Come on, then, Brenier, what stays you? The final stage is ready! Come, come, come, my friend! If you truly desire that sack of knowledge, then get ye over here!” one of his companions, Anoth, shouted from across the room. Brenier blinked and quickly turned to face his companions, whom were all staring at him impatiently.

“Yes, yes, friends, I am coming! Now, now, patience, I’ve been long told, that is something which often contributes to some successful experimentation!”  Brenier chuckled at them, and proceeded to hurry across the room.

“So says the wiseling among us,” quipped Jeldin, the youngest of the many gnomes present that night. A round of chuckles were tossed around the room at said comment, and Brenier raised a thin, gray eyebrow.

“One creature, smaller than the mighty mole upon Jeldin’s back was the final necessity, am I correct?” he inquired, holding up the fly for all to see.

“Such was the consensus,” one of the oldest of the gnomes, Phirn, agreed, with a giggle.

“Well, good!” Anoth said sternly. “Now, as much as I enjoy a good feast of camaraderie, let us make haste! This experimentation is on the verge of something very powerful; I can feel it, and I�" we�"would do well to take advantage of such a discovery. Now, if you would, Brenier, drop that creature into the concoction!”

Brenier eyed the eager Anoth with suspicion, but didn’t act upon it. After all, just because he wasn’t as eager as Anoth didn’t mean he wasn’t eager himself. Looking over the makeshift urn with which they were using to combine their ingredients (in other words, Jeldin’s brother’s chamber pot) Brenier reached out his hand with a shrug and dropped in the fly.

It sizzled when it reached the bottom of the urn, and then the gnomes turned to one another and nodded. “Begin,” they said in unison.

“All focus their minds on Jeldin,” Anoth instructed them. “If I’m correct, he should slowly begin to rise from the ground. He will then be outlined in harmless yellow flames. Now, circle him.  Close the gaps, there, Phirn.”

“Yellow flames?” an astonished Jeldin cried. “I wasn’t aware that was apart of the experiment!”

“Like I said, harmless,” Anoth dismissed with a wave. “As long as you remain absolutely calm, everything should be fine.”

At once, the gnomes formed a circle around the nervous Jeldin, all joining hands.

As Anoth had predicted, he began to lift from the ground. He lifted slowly at first, as was expected, but picked up speed and height as the seconds rolled past. The gnomes looked up in confusion. Soon, Jeldin was rocketing towards the high ceiling and rolling around pillars, all the while screaming. Loudly.

“No need to worry,” Anoth shouted to the circled gnomes as a low rumble began to shake the entire structure, “as long as the boy stays calm, all should go well�"” His words were cut off as Jeldin let out a shrill scream, and the rumbling began to increase.

Brenier opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he saw the young gnome’s flying frame suddenly engulf in flames�" which, notably were a deep green, not yellow. This was followed by another pained scream, which was followed by more screams in succession. “Harmless,” Anoth had said.

“I’m… going… to kill… you!” Jeldin cried to Anoth between screams as he shot back and forth across the room.

Brenier donned a worried look, and yelled, “’Tis alright, Jeldin, you need only to calm down�"” a moment before the rumbling built up to a fierce pace, so strongly that it knocked him and the rest of the gnomes down.

Jeldin continued to scream and hollered one last inaudible curse. Then he exploded.

 

 

Author's Note

This is going to be something I'm cowriting with a friend. It's not done, but it's so amusing to me that I had to post it. I'll post additions.
Note: though this story is going to be cowritten, I wrote this part.

Reviews

[Murphy]

I see a bright mind, misguided by its own thoughts.
I have some advice for ye.
First, 90% of the adjectives, and about all of the adverbs that pop into your head are unnecessary. You seem like you culled a lot of them, but hear me out:
A sentence from your piece:
Brenier’s short, slender fingers held the fly’s tiny carcass closely up to his sculpted face, his gnomish features outlined in torchlight, to better scrutinize.
The sentence is descriptive, yes, but it doesn't connect, if you know what I mean. The double modifiers could be replaced with 'bony'. 'gnomish' makes one think of Travelocity. 'tiny' isn't really needed at all.

When rewriting something like this for a second draft, I look at all of my modifiers. I replace them with idioms (As long as they aren't cliched) and simile. My first rewrite would go as follows:
"Brenier held the fly carcass in his bony fingers, his features and the fly's reddened in the torchlight. He was an older gnome, with gray hair that grew as much from the tops of his giant ears as from his head. He squinted at the dead fly.
No matter how much you love your modifiers, let them go.

All in all, I loved it. it was a bright piece of dark humor that made my day.

[the in between]

Crude humor :) nice. it was a bit funny, but i liked Jeldin :( poor fella. Anoth that little know it all should've exploded. haha