Admitted

Along with the poem Panic, a description of a hospital experience.

 

Admitted

The stink of artificial air

cooled and primped like Florida,

clicks and beeps of IV pumps,

crickets of the medical floor

 

Looking up from air-pumped beds,

TV mounted on cream green walls

the vantage point turned on its head

no visit for an hour and gone

 

Hospital rhythms tune the ears

to clatters, beeps, talk and cries,

doctors, nurses, worker bees,

living, dying, injured, ill

 

At night no room seems ever dark

no corridor without its hum

come check your pressure, temp, your blood

while darkened skies presage the dawn

 

A friend, a wife comes for an hour,

visitors to this foreign land

and if they’ve lived here times gone past

air and rhythm call them back

 

When tests and waiting run their course

and doctor’s heard to mouth the words

“You’re discharged home this afternoon”

you’ll freely leave but not soon free.

Reviews

[Ilene M.W. Lush]

I love this piece. Nice beat, and I know a great spoken word piece.

'cooled and primped like florida'. ha. so good. so dead on great. it has a great sound, the subtle ryhmes or is it just beats? blow me away..

At night no room seems ever dark
no corridor without its hum
come check your pressure, temp, your blood
while darkened skies presage the dawn

when i read this aloud, i have a pause at 'your blood' to maintain the beat. do you?

i love it 2x
thanks
ilene

[Barry S. Maltese]

Now that brings back memories. I like the visuals by comparrison that you use. I almost felt as if I were there in the L.I.J. Medical Center. You describe the ward like the eppicenter that it is in truth. . . . but I think every story or poem should have a point, and you drive the point home right at the very end . . . "You�re discharged home this afternoon� you�ll freely leave but not soon free. "Great job again, my friend. . . . Very enjoyable!!!

[K Antonacci]

" Hospital rhythms tune the ears
to clatters, beeps, talk and cries,
doctors, nurses, worker bees,
living, dying, injured, ill "

This piece is awesome. It's littered with lots of compelling thoughts, and i don't like hospitals,"rooms never seem dark", this is really great.
Wonderful job!
Love,
K

[Kevin Connolly]

Aren't nurses great, David? I find it hard not to be smitten by any woman in a nurse's uniform (even if it's fancy dress). Thank God for hospitals, without them we'd all be dead on our feet.
Great poem, as usual.

[Kara Emily Krantz]

you definitely captured that hospital feeling in this poem ...it made me uncomfortable!! lol

"come check your pressure, temp, your blood
while darkened skies presage the dawn "

that, as well as teh following verse, were my favorites. nice job with this

[Krystal Waters]

Sounds just like a hospital! Runnnnn. I don't like hospitals myself but your description reminded me why. Everything is so foreign and there are people coming and going for brief moments then leaving. Nice wording for a place to be in...


Kristine

[Molly Katherine]

uve got a real sense for sounds, this peice is definitely made to be read aloud.... nice

[Phantom Heart]

"no corridor without its hum"
"TV mounted on cream-green walls"
Great lines...

[David P. Eckert]

Yes, I also pause after blood. Maybe I should put a comma there to clarify it, but I think it's a natural pause without it.

David

[Benjamin L. Weekly]

Great write David. Unfortunately, the only time I was ever admitted in a hospital was when I was very young, so I don't remember it. This means I can't sympathize, but your poem has done a good job of putting me in you place.

I have to mention this line:
"crickets of the medical floor"
A splendid image, these kind of comparisons are what I really enjoy about your poetry. It flowed well and didn't repeat itself unnecessarily, great write. And you've made me think of hospitals in a slightly different light.
- Tiger