Panic

One of a handful of poems about a 2007 hospital experience - and perhaps a little singsong rhymy

 

Panic

 

Panic climbed with stealthy step

a small pain right of center crept

the voice of straining pectorals

gastritis wandering cannon balls

no exercise, no spicy food to fault

 

Wishful thoughts talk panic down

but this clown squeezed back in urgent tones

“Take Tums at once,” it rasped.

“Don’t drive the car in pain, you’ll crash,”

spoke muscles’ clenched resentful grasp

 

Battle lines were drawn, redrawn:

thoughts of “can’t it wait for morn?”

as spasms rocked the sweatered chest,

lungs were squirming ‘neath the breast

while daughter’s party passed its crest

 

Decisions tick-tocked like a clock

‘til pain-drenched loss of breath took stock;

he called for help with ribs cinched tight.

An ambulance set out stark for flight

as pain and panic ruled the night.

 

A spray of nitro ‘neath the tongue,

a morphine shot’s soft song was sung

as panicked breaths subside their hate,

as pain, like tides, draws back, abates,

the panicked man is left to wait

 

 

Reviews

[Benjamin L. Weekly]

Well done David! I thoroughly enjoyed this, however because your description indicates that this poem is a true story I am compelled to express my concern. How are you? It sounds terrible!Well done David! I thoroughly enjoyed this, however because your description indicates that this poem is a true story I am compelled to express my concern. How are you? It sounds terrible!

I like how you explain the uncertainty, not sure whether it's serious enough to dial 911 or not. The poem moved quickly and with strength, however it didn't move so quickly as to lose atmosphere or feeling. I oftentimes envy your talent, well done. Here's a spelling error:

"while daughter�s party passed it crest"
- it needs to be "it's"

I'll end my review with a summary of my favorite expressions.

"as spasms rocked the sweatered chest,"
- Skillful use of alliteration between spasms/sweatered added something special to this line I really enjoyed.

"as panicked breaths subside their hate,
as pain, like tides, draws back, abates,"
- First of all, great rhyme between hate/abates, and second of all, great wording in the second line I quoted here. The lack of interconnecting words here adds to immediacy, puts us in the moment as the pain/tightness slowly subsides.

Great read,
- Tiger

[IMOGEAN]

This poem is uniquely constructed. It has an unusual impact on the reader. I feel the desperation as the poetic story unfolds into something tragic. Great work, David. I should really read more of your writings. I will make note of that.

Norma

[Shannon K.]

This sounds like a feaful experience, perhaps a heart attack, no..possibly not. Regardless, the experience described here was very urgent, and seeked medical attention. You presented this poem in such a way, that the reader felt the urge to get help for you. Though I do think you could use some improvments on the experience, mainly the aftershock of it, this was a well done poem.
S.k.

[C. Harter Amos]

I've been there and could relate to every word of it down to 'a spray of nitro 'neath the tongue, a morphine shot's soft song was sung'. You're talented at making the event seem real as you read it, even if you did have me relive a nightmare... I have to agree with one of the other reviews that said the red was maybe a detracting thing rather than an addition. Wonder how it would read if you wrote the poem as free verse? - Mimi.

[Tamela J. Gordon]

This was so incredible. I'm in awe at your ability to put people in your moments.

[Kevin Connolly]

I'm panicking after reading this poem, David. I've been there, but I thought it was just palpitations. I can feel my heartbeat increasing now, even thinking about it.
Great poetry.

[Otto L.n. Pipgras]

certainly a rough ride. You expressed the message well and really carried it thru with an intense sense of urgency. The only thing I can critique on this would be the line:

Decisions tick-tocked like a clock

the other lines in the piece are so much better than this line, as this line seems to say little and doesn't do much to help the stanza...I understand the idea that decisions were being weighed in your mind at split second speeds during the event....I think restructuring this line would help the piece...maybe something like "decisions were splitting seconds on the clock" or yada yada yada....

[Jonathan Standifird]

I think I'm sensing a theme. Something you'd like to tell us, monsieur? The red has a certain effectiveness, but maybe is a bit over powering. Again, there is a sing songy rhythm which takes some of the worry and tension out of the piece. Which I kinda dig.

Jonathan

[Kara Emily Krantz]

this is intense... yes i can see why you would not wish to re-expereince this.

"A spray of nitro �neath the tongue,
a morphine shot�s soft song was sung
as panicked breaths subside their hate,
as pain, like tides, draws back, abates, "

great job putting this to paper

[Ed Rector]

i really enjoyed this piece. The rythem and rhyming was great because it didn't leave boring images but clear and new images into my head. great job

[Phantom Heart]

I really liked how this poem read. I thought it was quite clever.