The Secret Keeper - Chapter 1

Initial chapter in which the heroes are introduced.

 

CHAPTER ONE      

 

It began benignly enough. Gerald had answered the phone, his business phone, at about two in the afternoon last Tuesday.

            “Hello. This is Dr. Levine.”

            “Doc, I’m so glad you’re there.”

            It was Perry, a patient of his from a few years ago. Perry liked to keep in touch, calling just to say hello once or twice a year.

            “What’s up Perry?” he asked.

            “Doc, I don’t know what to do. I overheard this conversation. There were these guys. They were talking about maybe blowing up a building, or maybe it was a bridge. I kind of got a little nervous when I heard the blowing up part. You know how I get. Anyway, they were gonna blow something up and I think they mean for people to get hurt and to make some kind of big statement, like they were terrorists or something. I just didn’t know what to do.”

            “Did you call the police?”

            “No. I couldn’t do that. I don’t want to get involved. I mean they could blow me up or something, but somebody has got to stop them.”

            “So what do you want me to do, Perry? I’m a Psychologist, not a spy or a detective.”

            “Well you always know the right thing to do. I mean, you always gave such good advice. Maybe you could just go down, keep your ears open, and see what you think.”

            “Go down where? What are you talking about? And by the way, for the millionth time, I always tried to help you figure out what you wanted to do, not give you advice.”

            “Whatever. So, I was down at the Cue Ball, just getting ready to leave. I’d had a pretty good night, won more games than I lost anyway, though I’m no pool shark. Well I was walking past the Men’s room on my way out and I hear these two guys talking as they’re coming out of the john. It was weird ‘cause they were talking about explosives, and I thought, wow, this is interesting. But then they were arguing whether to place a bomb under a bridge or in a penthouse restaurant somewhere. Once it started getting serious like that I got scared. I got out of there before they noticed I’d overheard.”

            “Are you sure they didn’t see you?” the Doc asked.

            “Well, pretty sure. They didn’t follow me or anything, but I took some evasive maneuvers when I left the parking lot, just in case,” Perry replied.

            Perry still drove a tan 1995 Honda Civic. It was a bit nicked up, but not all that noticeable. It must have been driven more than 200,000 miles by now Dr. Levine thought.

            “What kind of defensive maneuvers?” he asked.

            “Well, I made a right out of the parking lot, took the third possible u-turn and came back the opposite direction. Then I hung a right on Division, another right on Front Street, a third one by the service road, until I got back to the turnpike and turned left. If anyone was following me, I didn’t see them. And I kept checking my mirrors.

            Gerald Levine remembered that Perry had always liked to watch cop shows, and action thrillers were his next favorite. He had also liked to try out maneuvers he saw on television or the movies in his own life. Still, he was intrigued by his ex-patient’s story. It might be worth it to go down there. He hadn’t had a good game of eight ball in a couple of years now.

            “Listen, Perry. Here’s what I’m willing to do. I’ll come out Saturday night or Sunday afternoon, whichever is better, and play a few rounds of eight ball with you. I’m not going down there by myself. You’re coming with me.”

            “Do I really have to, doc?” Perry almost whined.

            “Yeah, you have to. You saw them and you’ve got to do something about it, but I’ll help you out and we’ll figure out what to do. Are these guys regulars?

            “Oh yeah, I see them all the time, any day that I go, or night. Let’s try for Sunday at two. That way they’ll have the Jets game on the TV too so if we can’t get a table right away it won’t be a total loss.”

            “Fine,” he replied. “I know where the Cue Ball is. Where do you want to meet?’

            “You know that little coffee shop on the other end of the shopping center. It’s called Fat Als. How about getting coffee and a bagel there at 1:30?”

            “Sounds good, Perry,” he replied. “I’ll see you then. Call me if anything changes.”

            “Will do doc. Thanks a million. I knew you’d know what to do,” he said before hanging up.

                                

            Dr. Gerald Levine looked around his office. He was sitting in front of a large mahogany desk with a hutch and a return. He liked to have enough room to put all his papers down when he was writing a report or getting his insurance bills together. He sat in a black leather desk chair, an ergonomic and very comfortable piece he’d purchased after seeing an ad in a magazine. He only used it if he was at his desk, though. He sat in a big lounge chair if he was meeting patients. They could choose between a couch with plump pillows or a club chair. Most seemed to choose the couch.  Perry, if he remembered correctly, kept switching between the couch and the club chair. He never got comfortable in one position, or with himself all that much, but he liked to talk and had slowly gotten happier in the two years he’d seen Jerry for therapy.

            Not everyone would talk to Jerry. There were some mildly odd or rebellious qualities in him. For one thing, his office (and living space) was in a converted drive through dairy mart. . It was one of the ones that had a fake silo on the side. The building had double glass doors in the middle of both sides, and an overhang by each door like an old car port. To add even more to the ambience, he shared his parking lot with an auto repair shop. So if you were looking for a therapist with an office on an upscale block or in the fanciest neighborhood, you’d never go to see him. On the other hand, if you wanted someone who would listen, who was not going to be flashy or intimidating, just very smart, Jerry was a good choice. Plus you could get your oil changed while you were in session.

                                

            It was nearly closing time at the Cue Ball. Two men in their thirties, Joe and Vic, had been playing since just after 8. They mostly played each other, but there were a few other regulars, locally known as Cuebies, whom they’d invite over for a game just for a change of pace, or so they said. Almost every time either Joe or Vic would leave the table, usually the one in the left rear of the room, one of them would walk across the room to make a phone call. At the end of the night, they’d both head to the john at the same time, their only chance to talk privately about the phone calls and what they were planning. Afterwards they’d leave at the same time, but wouldn’t speak again until the next time they were shooting pool. No one at the Cue Ball knew their real names, and that’s how they liked it.

Author's Note

I would like to know if the dialog seems natural and if these two characters, at least initially, hold your interest.

Reviews

[Andrea A. Wentz]

Hmm...., in answer to your Author's Note I'd say yes for the most part. I feel that during the first really long dialog part, "You know how I get. Anyway, " IRL (in real life) people usually pause after something like You know how I get, waiting for a reply, hoping for an acknowledgement of their rationalization, that it was ok to react the way they did. There was no pause here, just an immediate plunging ahead. Maybe, break that up a bit with "You know how I get." He stated as if feeling his actions needed an excuse. (ugh) or something like that. Not sure exactly how to word it, but it's just a thought.

Otherwise, I wondered if a psychologist would really say, "And by the way, for the millionth time, I always tried to help you figure out what you wanted to do, not give you advice." I know what he's getting at, but it seems to me that the way it's worded isn't really the way a psychologist would say it, but I could be wrong. It seems he got exasperated, which is understandable, but after not hearing from a patient for so long and suddenly hearing about bomb threats and such, he may try to be a bit more calm, worrying that his former patient may have become delusional and it's all in his head.

Other than those two things that kind of tripped me up, I think this is a great start to a story! The introduction to his office was a bit long, but maybe there's a reason for that which will be shown later. It wasn't a huge cliff hanger, but you do peak the readers curiosity. I'm wondering now why the last paragraph was in there cause I thought the story was about the mystery and suspense of figuring out what was going on with these two people that the patient overheard. The last paragraph seemed to give alot away about these people's movments, taking away from the mystery a bit, but again, the reasoning behind that will probably be seen later. Yes, I liked this piece, please be sure to send me a read request for the next chapter so I can stick with the story and watch it unfold w/o risking being forgetful as I often am. :) Thank you for sharing this installment and looking forward to the next! :D

[Kara Emily Krantz]

are you up for suggestions? knowing you, i'm guessing yes... so ... if you really want constructive criticism, i can do that. i have nothing better to do right now, lol

"It began benignly enough."
great first line.

"It was Perry, a patient of his from a few years ago." Is he THAT aware of who it is on the phone? just from him saying "doc i'm so glad you're there" ? that seemed a little far-fetched, unless Perry has a distinct voice,or manner of speaking, which should then be mentioned. Especially since he only calls about once or twice a year.

"You know how I get." - that seemed a little contrived. Then when you go the "Anyway, they were gonna blow something up" - you didn't really digress enough to account for the 'anyway'.

"And by the way, for the millionth time, I always tried to help you figure out what you wanted to do, not give you advice."

This line was realy forced - not as natural as the rest. To answer your questions though - yes overall the dialogue is natural, i'm just pointing out the things that didn't sit right. and yes i find the characters intriguing :)

As a counselor myself, I would probably say something like: "And, Perry, you know I'm not going to tell you what to do. We've been over this. That is not my role as your therapist."

"Whatever. So, I was down at the Cue Ball, just getting ready to leave."

That transition works great.

"though I'm no pool shark." - I think get rid of the thought. I'm not pool shark. It keeps the flow better, keeps it in line with the sporadic way he's talking.

"It was weird 'cause they were talking about explosives, and I thought, wow, this is interesting."

That and the rest of the paragraph is great. really natural.

"but I took some evasive maneuvers when I left the parking lot, just in case," Perry replied."

I love that - it makes you think "yeah, this guy just might be a bit paranoid" but at the same time you're thinking what if this is real?

Loved the paragraph about which defensive maneuvors he took, lol

"Oh yeah, I see them all the time, any day that I go, or night. Let's try for Sunday at two. That way they'll have the Jets game on the TV too so if we can't get a table right away it won't be a total loss."

I'd like to see something like "oh yeah" or a little spark of thought before he says "lets try for sunday" - only because it doesn't really flow like a normal thougth process without it.
LOVED the description of the doctors office. loved how you changed the pace of the piece there. and it was a great idea to talk about how Perry liked to sit - where he liked to sit. Great great paragraph.

Wait, Jerry? So there's Perry and Jerry? I thought you were talking about Perry at first and describing his house, not Jerry's office. But maybe there's a reason for the names being so close together?

"Plus you could get your oil changed while you were in session."

Excellent :)

And the transition at the end is good too. I was intrigued by the last paragraph and the introduction of the other characters at the Cue Ball.

Was that too forward of me? lol i dont know why i bother going through such extensive reviews, but i figure the occasional person would love getting them. :P

hugs

[Misa]

Well, to answer your first question - yes. The dialog itself is fine (l dont' know much about psychologists however, or any of the like) and with the bits you reveal about each of the 2 characters - the beat up honda, the habit of cop shows & copying the moves in real life, the fast food restaurant's converted - these are what really made the story for me. Adding the 2 rest room guys into the mix was quite nicely done, and gives us a reason to continue reading. Looking forward to more of your writing.
As for the grammar, the pacing of the story itself, l didn't see anything stand out as out of place, so good job on that front, too.
~Misa