12: Zenith

A few days later...

We sat down in our seats at the movies. I couldn’t help but shake as I thought of what was going to happen. The popcorn sat in her lap, and the large drink we shared was in the cupholder. I wanted to leave. I needed to stay. I wanted to take her with me. I needed to run away from her.

Maybe her and I could escape from everything, go somewhere nobody could find us.

He will always find you, I reminded myself. As long as you’re with her, there is no escaping him.

“I’m excited to see this movie,” she said. I could hear the glee leaping from her voice. “I’ve heard that the ending is totally unexpected.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“I think I know what’s coming, though,” she said proudly. “I think I know exactly what to expect.”

“I’m not so sure. People have lots of surprises.”

She giggled. “Sure. But I can always tell when they’re tricking me.” Her face grew suddenly serious and she turned in my direction. “I know what you’re planning.”

I stared straight ahead as my muscles tensed and my heart ran as fast as a racehorse. It took every ounce of my willpower to not turn and smile. I knew she would see right through my mask.

“I’m just kidding!” She punched me lightly in the arm and laughed. “You looked so serious. Geez.”

I was spared from answering as the curtains opened and the movie began. In my mind’s eye, I saw the curtains standing open on my own story and wondered how much longer they would stay like that. She and I were on stage, wrapping up the final act.

Maybe those curtains would never close. Like myself, they were a mystery. Perhaps they were meant to stand open, reminding me of what I’d gone through and what I’d done. This was a rash decision, but I insisted on carrying through. I had to do this. For myself.

It was our stage.

“Caleb?”

I turned and saw Abigail intently watching me. Worry was carved into her expression. She reached out a hand and held my own.

“What’s wrong, Caleb?”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing you’d understand.”

“Why not?” She sounded hurt. “I know I’m a bit… weird. A freak, I guess. But I still understand you. Haven’t I proven that?”

I sighed. “Yeah. You have. Do you really want me to tell you what’s wrong?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “But you gotta keep it down. The old couple over there is giving us a dirty look.”

I laughed, and I genuinely felt happy for a split second. But then that faded and I begun the process I’d learned too well.

For the next five minutes, I spun a story of a broken home and a boy with an uncle and aunt that fought all the time. I told a tale of despair and broken relationships and lost love. Hearts that would never mend, and friends that would never come back. Children that would never come home. Parents that would never stay there.

That boy was me, but he wasn’t real.

It was a familiar thing to do, and I was very good at it by now. I’d done it many times to her. She never expected a thing. I was thinking of the truth, but it wasn’t anywhere near what I said.

She was struggling not to cry. I was struggling to lie.

“That’s what happened?” she said. “Your aunt and uncle are… that’s what’s wrong?”

“Yeah. That’s what’s wrong.”

<><><><><>

We stood outside the theater. It was chilly and she came close to me.

“I’m cold,” Abigail said.

I put my arms around her and brought her against me in a hug. She sighed and muttered something into my chest. It was indistinguishable from the wind smacking against my face. I felt a shiver run through her body and a similar one take my bones, but not from the cold. I knew this was the last time.

“It’s alright. I’ll keep you warm.”

People swirled around us, but I didn’t pay attention to them. For a few minutes, she was all I had in the world and the only thing I cared about. She was my universe for that short amount of time, and for that period I was calm, I was relaxed, I was content, and I was in control. For the first time and last time in a long time.

Police sirens whirred in the distance. I looked up in their direction.

“What is it?” Abigail asked, glancing up at me.

“Nothing.” I kissed her forehead. “Just police.”

“I used to be scared of the police,” she said. She stopped hugging me and instead put her arms around my neck. For a second, I thought we would kiss, but then she kept talking. “When I was a lot younger, I always thought they were coming to arrest me. That I’d done something bad.”

I smiled without meaning it. “Have you done anything worthy of being arrested?”

“Weird way to ask that, but no. I haven’t committed any crimes.” She smirked. “But you have.”

“Really?”

“Mmhm.” She was trying to hold back a giggle.

“What’d I do?”

“You stole my heart.”

“You’re a dork.” I smiled.

“You’re mine.”

And with that she leaned forward and planted her lips on mine. A mixture of shivers and sunshine ran through my body. She fell into my chest, my hands resting on her back. Her fingers entwined themselves in my hair.

For a few seconds we stood like that. I was nervous still, embarrassed of all the people looking, and didn’t know what to do. I wanted to pull away, but kept myself from moving. I enjoyed the moments as much as I could. It was warm and freezing, soft and rough.

She stepped away, still smiling widely. “Like that?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to do that more. I’ve been wanting to for a while now.”

The sirens were closer.

“Abigail?”

“Yes?”

“I wanna hold you again.”

She stepped close so that our chests were touching and I wrapped my arms around her again. We stood there, facing each other, for a minute. Then I leaned down and kissed her again on the lips.

I loved everything about her. Closing my eyes, one thought and emotion completely enveloped me.

I loved her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. I opened my eyes and saw her staring up at my cheeks, where tears glistened.

“Nothing,” I said as my voice cracked. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.” She wrapped her arms tighter around me. “Tell me what’s wrong, Caleb.”

“Please don’t pull away. Hold me tighter.”

“What’s wrong?” Her eyes begged me to answer. I wanted to fall away from that place, leave quietly. Sink into the sidewalk, hide somewhere. Anything to escape what I’d started, what I was doing. Without raising a finger, I was crushing a world.

“I don’t know if I can do it.” My voice was hoarse.

The sirens got louder. Closer.

I spoke up again. “I don’t know. I know that I should, that I have to. I don’t have a choice.”

“What are you talking about?” She was crying too and started to draw away, but I held her closer than before.

“But I have to. You understand, don’t you? I have to do this.”

“You’re scaring me.”

She shuddered in my arms and I felt a weight drop in my stomach. There was a dull throb where my heart should have been. I was heartless. A b*****d.

“It’ll be over soon,” I promised. “It will be over very soon.”

“What will?”

“I’m a terrible person.” I sobbed louder, and I knew everyone was watching us but it was too late now. What they thought didn’t matter. What were they going to do? Call the police? It was too late.

But was it? Could we turn and run and she would never have to know what I’d done? Maybe there was a way for us to get away, grow up together, take a gamble with our lives. Anything I did at this point was a gamble, and I was terrified I’d made the wrong decision. Was making the wrong decision. I wanted all bets to be off, to escape. To get away from the demons. The darkness. F-ing life.

“You’re not a terrible person. I don’t know what you mean, but I know you’re not.” She kissed me softly on the cheek. “I trust you, Caleb. Completely.”

“Please don’t trust me. I’m a monster.”

The door to the car opened and the sirens were wailing. She seemed not to notice but I saw as the two men stepped onto the sidewalk and walked towards us.

“You’re not a monster. Stop saying that.”

“Abigail.” I was talking faster now as they got nearer. “Abigail, listen to me. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to scare you. I never wanted this to happen. I’m hurting so many people but I need to and I have-”

Her lips sealed mine. “I love you, Caleb.”

They grabbed her arms from around me and ripped them behind her back. She screamed and reached out to me as I sunk backwards against the wall, crying. The police officers gave me look full of hatred and amusement.

The handcuffs snapped onto her bare wrists, scraping them raw as she struggled. One of the officers forcefully pushed her towards the car and she screamed my name, but I heard it as if through a fog, thick and far away.

“Caleb!”

“It’s okay, Abigail,” I said as loud as I could manage.

“Help me! Don’t let them take me!”

I choked on my tears and fell to my knees.

“What did I do? I don’t deserve this!” she screamed as they pushed her into the back of the car.

“Caleb!” she screamed one last time as they were shutting the door. Abigail yelled again and though I couldn’t hear the words, I saw her lips move and knew what she was saying.

“I love you!” she shouted in the icy confines of a police car, alone and unprotected and vulnerable. There was nobody to save her now.

“I love you too,” I said to nobody. I felt it truly, but I wondered.

What would Xavier do when he woke up in a police station? What would his mom do when she found out I’d turned in her son? What type of trouble would Damian get the other two into?

I had so many questions and I knew there was only one person to answer them.

“I love you too,” I cried out. I was insane to everyone around me. I was a monster to myself. I wanted to die. I needed to die.

<><><><><>

I layed down on my bed and my head erupted with the voices of Abigail, Xavier, and Damian. They screamed and clawed for my attention, scratching and biting, and I felt my soul being torn apart as I lay in utter silence, wishing for some relief.

I bet Abigail wished for relief too as she lay in a concrete cell, growing older every second and every second a lifetime as it passed away. She was alone, and I knew it. I was alone, and she knew it. Did she know I’d given her away? Would she ever know?

And then I slept, but dreams were nightmares.