Breathless

I watched her from a distance afar,

concealing in my heart a dreadful scar.

When I can't smile into her eyes it doesn't

feel quite so right. I wish she wasn't

making me so breathless.

Whenever our eyes come together and meet

my heart starts rapidly on a beat.

My chest feels full of cottons swabs

and all my breath she always robs

leaving me so breathless.

And I get the courage to ask her number

so I text her while I fight off slumber.

I fall at last into the sleep of dreams

where her face is flooded by sunshine beams

making me so breathless.

And I found the strength to ask her out.

It was a mistake; there was no doubt.

Then she turned to me and she told me "yes."

At the movies that night, she was my princess

leaving me so breathless.

And a few months passed as I spent my time

and I wasted every single dime

to give her the life that she'd always dreamed

of having. And so many times she beamed

making me so breathless.

Then one dreary night as the rain fell hard,

and memories of the past pierced me like shards,

she leaned in closer to my warming breath

and she placed a hand on my soggy chest

leaving me so breathless.

Then we said the words and they barely came through;

at the same time we both said "I love you."

And when I could see only her silhouette

for the first time ever our lips both met

making me so breathless.

Reviews

[ApKWrites]

Another great piece.
Well done

[Riley Justine]

This is so beautiful. Very airy and delicate. Really well written!

[Noelle Neubauer]

This poem is beautiful. I really have enjoyed reading a lot of your poetry! You are an amazing writer. Well done.

[Not here]

thank you very much noelle :) you have a good name btw. i might use it in a book. lol sorry thats random

[Noelle Neubauer]

Thats okay! Thanks

[Noelle Neubauer]

If you wouldn't mind, I would love if you could read some of my work! Thanks!

[Not here]

yes yes i will

[Noelle Neubauer]

Awesome. Thanks a lot! Leave a review while you're at it. Let me know what you think about it.

[Not here]

i will dont worry. send me read requests too whenever u post stuff

[Noelle Neubauer]

Sounds good!

[Moonlight]

I think I agree with Coyote on this one. Each and every scene you have described here has come alive. And the repetition used by you in this poem is with so much finesse. I totally loved this poem. And above all, it has a beautiful ending that always leaves a smile on the reader's face.
Just like that, I feel satisfied. It is a complete and whole poem.

Great Work Dante! :)

[Not here]

thank you moonlight :) im really glad you liked it it.

[Moonlight]

You're welcome. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A nice ending to the poem. Very good use of repetition. Make each scene come alive. I did like the happy ending to the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Not here]

thank you coyote :) i appreciate all these reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Stan Lee]

Wonderful poem as always and a very sweet story. Thanks for sharing. :)

[Not here]

thank you smiley face :)

[dan]

david, I saw this piece and it was so much more structured than the ones that I had trouble with. This piece is way less chaotic and scattershot than some of your others, those were the ones that made my concentration lapse. This piece is seemingly coming from a more refined and mature writing style than you employed in the past. Your story/poem was very well written, the rhyme scheme precise and tight, and the story went through the proper warm-up and concluded logically and right on time. Great piece!! I do have one suggestion, and this is just my opinion so I'm just throwing it out there. If you don't wish to even consider it then don't. I actually think that if you take all of those "taking me/leaving me breathless" stanza closers out and read what you've written it sounds much cleaner and concise. Many poems/stories etc. are written without the title even being mentioned in the text of the piece. 'Breathless" IS a nice title. If you wish you can figure out a way to insert it into the poem. Just my opinion david. But forget all that for now: This is probably the best piece of yours that I've read, and you've written A LOT that I did like. So very nice job, dude, be proud of this one! take care...dan

[Not here]

thank you dan :) im very glad you could read this one and enjoy that. and i think ill leave this one alone, but ill consider your suggestion for all the other poems i write. i really appreciate it. take care, dan

[dan]

Like I said, Dante (?) it was just my opinion, please you be the judge on how you want to present your stuff. I'll say it again, though -- This piece features some OUTSTANDING writing! take care...dan (Can I still call you david, or should I call you Dante? BTW, I saw some of your other poems on your page, it looks like your writing has evolved into a form that I can embrace, even with my psych disorders, so please start sending me RRs again?) thanks...dan

[Not here]

you can call me david :) dante's just a nickname. and okay, whenever i write someting more orderly like this i will send you a read request, thanks for the heads up

[dan]

Thanks david. I'm happy to be on board again with your stuff. You seem to have reached a more mature (and I don't mean age) level of style and substance. In fact I'm going to just go to your page (probably some time tomorrow...work it around NFL games and my Pittsburgh Pirates) and review a few random selections. See ya then, take care...dan

[Not here]

okay thanks dan. and some of them are still hectic and such, but you should be able to tell almost as soon as you see it. and yeah man, those NFL games are an important part of tomorrow. ill be watching too lol

[Not here]

suggestion if your gonna read some stuff from me, dont read One Last Rap cause its hectic

[dan]

Just for that I'm gonna try to read it. There's a guy or girl that writes by the name Blitzed (a unique spelling) whose style is much like yours. It sounds to me he's writing lyrics for a hip-hop song. So I think I'm more able to handle hectic or chaotic now...at least today I do. thanx...dan

[Not here]

okay if you want. and ima look him up now. and One Last Rap is really all over the place. im not even sure about it lol. good luck dan, take care

[Willard Wells]

Nicely done and well penned. Nice structure. Thanks,

[Not here]

thank you very much for reading and reviewing willard :)

[PANDORA]

If this is biographical you are both lucky.

I have to say the rhyme felt a little forced at times but surprisingly did not take away from this beautiful love story!!

[Not here]

thank you pandora :) and yeah i still gotta work on my writing

[Tamika Finley]

I love it. I'm such a fan of happy endings.

[Not here]

lol thanks tamika :)