With You

I'm here, 

all alone.

I wish I 

could call your phone.

No more

time for me

to wait and

watch you be

with someone

else I know.

Just give me

a chance to show

everything

is what I'd go through

if I got a minute

to be with you.

I guess we will never know

all the places we could go.

I just hope that I show

I feel remorse, honest, so

there is nothing that I owe

to you. I've decided to stow

all of my feelings below

and I'm determined even though

letting them out may make me glow.

But that doesn't matter really, no,

they only turn out to bestow

unwanted feelings. I forego

all involvement with them. Oh,

how it hurts in the night.

All alone while I fight,

and my emotions take a bite.

They continue to darken the light

inside of my soul. Right

or left I cannot quite

decide which way my plight

leads me to follow. Write

and write some more is delight.

It leads me to better sight

of the world around me. Tight,

it's strangling me. Might

is fading from me. Polite

is leaving me while fright

invades me tonight.

I'm here, 

all alone.

I wish I 

could call your phone.

No more

time for me

to wait and

watch you be

with someone

else I know.

Just give me

a chance to show

everything

is what I'd go through

if I got a minute

to be with you.

It's like a shock to my brain wave system

every time you walk in the door. You glisten

with light coming out from around you, I

have no idea how to respond. Why

do you gotta be so dang pretty?

To be honest, really, it is such a pity

that I will never have you for my own.

Baby, I would even take a gigantic loan

out from the karma bank if you

would just give me a chance. Let me through

those barriers you put up all around.

Look, I'll climb the highest mound

of hate and love and life and pain

if only it would mean that I would gain

you for a moment, a minute in time.

Time freezes now as in this rhyme

you cross my mind and in my head

I fall asleep dreaming of you instead.

Those other girls were nothing, okay.

All I want is you to be my bae.

B.A.E. Before Anyone Else.

I mean that, I'll always put you before myself.

Never ever, no, never would I put you down.

I spend my days flipping around that frown.

Never shut a door in your face.

Someday take you and buy a place.

Yeah, if this happens to be a race,

I'm sprinting into your arms. Case

closed, I'm the winner.

Now let's go out to dinner.

I'll pay for it if you pay me

by letting me be your baby.

Wake up from that dream.

Lips want to scream.

Brain seems to deem

me insane. Lean

into my pillow

Lost all my will, oh,

I wish it was you.

I wish you were too

close to me to be cold.

Maybe if I was bold,

but I let you slip away

and I regret it another day.

Author's Note

There's always one that gets away...

Reviews

[Thesecuts]

yah what she said :P below :P It was extremely emotional and perfect. I loved it

[flickering candle]

your words just flow and make your emotions so perfectly described so i can really understand what you're feeling. Its worded beautifully and so vividly.

[Not here]

thank you very much :)

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

A little different in theme than what you usually write about, so in a way it is refreshing to see you expressing so deeply about love beyond your years. Any girl will be so lucky to have you as a partner, but unfortunately not every girl is wise enough to see and know that.

[Not here]

yeah i suppose so :) thanks for reviewing

[Lizardo]

Wow, this poem expresses so many feelings....
I hope you feel better now David, anyways, the poem is really good and speaks for itself.
Sometimes they just go away you know? More people are coming towards our lives so some of them have to go.
Great poem David

[Not here]

thats true. thanks lizardo :)

[Lizardo]

You're welcome!

[dan]

david, Your form and your style are familiar, but I think some of the rhymes in this one seem a bit forced. It almost seems as if you write the rhyming words down the right side of the page and then struggle a bit to fill in the rest of the line to the left, to make it fit. Your flow seems a bit more strained than your other ones, this seems as if you rushed to finish it and get it posted. Please don't take this as a bad review, I'm just used to seeing you do much better at maintaining the stream-of-consciousness flow that marks your other ones. I hope you don't take it as an insult, but I'm just trying to keep it honest. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. take care...dan

[Ashadan]

I like the flow of the poem and the moments it shown within which are stated by Brittney below. =) Thanks for sharing

[613]

This is certainly different from your other "angrier" pieces. I liked this a lot. Very heartfelt, romantic & saddening all at once.

One thing I would suggest - separating the longer parts. The structure was the only thing that threw me off.

Well done!

- Brittney

[Not here]

thanks brittney, ill keep that in mind

[613]

Sure thing!

[Ilerah]

I enjoyed reading it, its kinda long, but I don't mind that. Its well written, and overall a good poem.

[JayceeC]

David, I kept looking at the structure of this write. You have long sections/possible stanzas of mono-rhyme that are naturally occurring within the lines. Did you look at structuring this with internal rhyme? It is not bad as it is, but the meaning can sometimes get lost in short lines of mono-rhyme. If you joined a few of the lines, It may let your reader focus on the content versus the rhyme. Its just one of the things you have to consider when you use such a tight rhyme scheme.

I guess we will never know all the places
we could go. I just hope that I show
I feel remorse, honest, so there is nothing
that I owe to you. I've decided
to stow all of my feelings below and I'm determined
even though letting them out may make me glow.

When you read it, the rhyme is still there, but the longer lines and different line breaks let the brain focus on the message past the rhyme. This is just a suggestion and something to consider. It will also shorten the look of the poem which may be daunting to some.

If she hears the commitment in this, and takes you up on the offer, she will be one lucky girl indeed. Nicely composed with lots of emotion and feeling.

[Willard Wells]

Lost and longing for renewed love. Beautiful. I have felt the pain and you have expressed it so well. The thoughts, pain and dreams of love lost while searching for what you realized you did not hold close enough. Forlorn in your ostracized place in your true loves life.
Thanks for sharing.