Children of the Sands - Teaser

A Teaser for my upcoming story, Children of the Sands, a post-apocalyptic story of survival where humanity is in danger of becoming an endangered species.

Ras drummed her fingers on the console, her chin resting on her hand, as she glanced across at Rahd. Her brother was seated on the couch, his nose buried in a book and she sighed under her breath. She hated monitor duty, it was so boring.
Their home was an old fallout shelter, the heavy steel hatches and dented walls in contrast to the battered furniture and the piles of magazines and holo-disks. Checking the Rahd wasn't looking, she reached for her pocket, pulling out her music player and slipping one of the headphones into her ear.
'Put it away.' Rahd said, without looking up and she groaned.
'Come on, Rahd. I'm bored.'
'You're on watch, Ras.' He said. 'You need to be...'
Rahd stopped, looking up from his book as he heard the faint pinging of the motion detector, glancing over at her. Ras sat up hurriedly, her fingers tapping at the keys.
'Got something.' She said and Rahd moved to stand behind her, leaning over her shoulder.
'I worked that out.' He said, drawing a glare from her. 'What is it?'
'Well, seeing as we don't get takeout delivered here...' She said, leaving that statement hanging in the air and Rahd grimaced.
'Mutants.' He said. 'How many?'
'Not sure. Only one, I think. It must know that we're here.'
Rahd nodded; Mutants seemed to have an unnerring instinct for detecting their prey, even through the steel walls of a fallout shelter.
' Don't worry. It can't get in as long as the hatches are sealed.'
There was a long pause and he turned to Ras.
'The hatches are sealed, aren't they?'
'...No.' Ras said. 'Uh...I think I might have left the east hatch open.'
'D****t, Ras.' Rahd said, heading towards towards the door.
'Where are you going?' Ras asked.
'To close the hatch.' Rahd said and she sprang to her feet, nearly knocking over her chair.
'I'm coming with you.'
'No, you're not.' Rahd said. 'Stay here.'
'I'm not letting you do this by yourself.' She said, following him out into the corridor.
'You've done enough already.' Rahd snapped, gesturing for her to stop. Carefully, he peered round the corner, seeing that the east hatch was half-open.
'Stay here.' Rahd whispered, edging slowly towards the door and starting to push it shut with the squeal of rusty metal. It was almost closed when an arm thrust itself through the gap, grabbing at his jacket and he felt something slam against the door.
'Rahd!' Ras screamed and he looked up into the yellowing eyes of a mutant, it's tongue lolling out of it's mouth.
'Get out of here!' Rahd yelled, pushing against the door with all his strength. 'Run.'
Ras stood frozen for a second, then she darted towards the other side of the door, pulling open the panel on the wall and yanking out the cable inside with a shower of sparks.
'Get out of here, Ras. Save yourself.'
'It'll kill you!'
'It'll do worse to you. Now, run!'
'I'm not leaving you.' Ras yelled, yanking out the resistors and getting a firm grip on the cable.
'Let go. Now!'
Rahd threw himself backwards as she touched the cable to the hatch, feeling the jolt run up her arms as the electricity coursed through the metal. From the other side, there was an inhuman shriek as the Mutant got the full force, the surge knocking it back into the tunnel with a burning smell that nearly made her vomit. Ras kicked out and the door slammed shut, the lock clicking into place and she gave a sob of relief. Dropping the cable, she collapsed to her knees, looking across at Rahd with a weak grin.
'We showed him, huh?'
'You almost got us killed.' Rahd said, standing up and dusting himself off.
'Yeah, but...' She began, as Rahd stormed past her. '...I saved us, too.' She muttered, following him with her hands in her pockets.

Author's Note

My first teaser. Tell me what you think

Reviews

[Tomoe Tellez]

This is awesome! You don't know how much I love stories like this one.

[David Jae]

Thank you very much. If you liked that, you might enjoy my new Kindle book Undercity: Running High. There's a teaser of it on this website, too.

If I can review anything for you, please let me know.

[Tomoe Tellez]

Nice, I'll check it out, both the book and the teaser. And if you can review my story "Tiny brave girl" I'll be very grateful.

[David Jae]

I will. And thank you.

[JulianaSun]

Is this just a short story? Or is it an execerpt from a novel? Either way, it´s very well written. It has spark :) . It would be great, though, if it were a novel.

J

[David Jae]

Thank you very much. You don't know how much that means to me.

This was just a teaser for the full story that I've just published here. You can find it through my profile page.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read and review.

David Jae

[Adam Wieherdt]

Hey that was pretty good. I'm going to have to check out the actual story, I kinda want more lol

[David Jae]

Thanks very much. I'll be publishing the final chapter in this arc soon. More in the future

[DastaLouise19]

Very exciting! I was hooked right from the get-go. I'll be really interested to see what happens next, and where it goes from here.

A Few Things:
"Checking the Rahd wasn't looking...", I think you meant to say, "Checking that Rahd wasn't looking...".

Generally dialogue such as "'Put it away.' Rahd said, without looking up..." would end with a comma instead of a period. Anything he says after you write "Rahd said" would end in a period, or if the dialogue was spoken, and then his action was shown. Ex: " 'Hi, my name is Bob.' The man extended his hand to shake mine."

Also, "unnerring" should either be "unnerving" or "unerring".

Other than those little corrections, I have to say that I really enjoyed your teaser. Can't wait to see what happens next. Great job!

[David Jae]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[DastaLouise19]

You're welcome!

[buoyantMaureen]

Very teasery.

Ras is adorable and I like that you ended the excerpt with a little bit of light-hearted humor to go along with that thrill/horror/monster's-gonna-get-in moment. Although since you only have two characters so far, its confusing that both their names are so short and both start with Ra- That being said, I thought their interaction was spot on.

I know this is a teaser but I really wanted some more world building/character descriptions/sensory info. We don't get much except that they are in a bunker with hatches.

"It'll kill you!" / "It'll do worse to you." - This really caught my eye. Why is it worse for the mutant to get Ras than Rahd? Is she the one the mutants are after?

Great job!

[David Jae]

Thanks very much. I'm happy that you liked Ras.

Mutants are humans that have been changed by long-term exposure to radiation. They eat humans and use them to further there species through rape. That's what Rahd was referring to.

Anyway, thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it. Watch this space for further updates n

[Rhulad]

Post apocalyptic writing seems easier than it is. Not taking away from your story, but I would use description or inference to allow the reader to come to the conclusion that there are mutants. Allow the suspense to build up. Same with the bomb shelter. Try and find a way to describe without coming straight out and telling us. I find that it works better for the reader's personal experience. I want to read more, but it doesn't give me a feeling. I want to feel for the characters, not just read the words. People are smart, make us think :)

[David Jae]

Thank you for your comments. This is just an exploration of the world for my story and a way to define my characters. As always, it allows me to refine my technique.
Ganbare