Book One Chapter One: Victims

In Nick's hometown, strange animal attacks are happening. Nick attends school as is normal, but on his walks home, he is being stalked by a strange being. Who is following him? Why?

Chapter One Victims:

“There have been strange disappearances around here, they look like animal attacks, and there is something unusual about these victims.” Said a police officer, he was a few feet away from me.

“Make sure to keep everyone away from the wilderness, I would hate to see anyone get hurt, or worse.” Said the man he was talking to.

“I will make sure that everyone stays away from the rural areas, I think that's where the attacks happen most often.” Replied the officer, getting into the squad car and driving away.

I’m Nick By the way. As I walked home I pondered the words of the conversation I had overheard.

 

I had not heard of any disappearances, what could that have meant? The officer did say that the 'disappearances and attacks' happen in the rural areas of town, that could be why I haven't heard of them before, it could be coyotes or some other animal, but what was it that the police officer had said about the attacks being suspicious? I do not pay much attention to the news, so I guess I'll have to found out later. It was getting dark, normally when I walk home from school around this time it is a little lighter, I must be behind schedule. Man, they need let school out earlier. It must have been 8:00 already!

 

I soon turned a corner with a streetlight. In the radiant brightness produced from above, I could read the nearby road sign: Borderline Avenue. I was almost home. As I passed out of the streetlight's beam of radiance, I realized that it was almost totally dark. The light from the streetlight still showed from behind me a little, and in the distance, maybe a hundred feet in front of me, I saw a silhouetted figure. I turned to look at it, I had indeed saw it, because I saw the figure, it looked like a girl, drop to a crouch position. That was odd. Confusion settled in my thoughts.

"Hello?" I called out.

The figures crouch lowered, then the figure disappeared! Just like that! I tried convincing myself that I had actually seen something, but the logical side of my brain told me otherwise, that it was impossible. I was probably just seeing things in the dark.

 

I had to get home quickly or else I would get lost in the darkness, and judging by the conversation I had just overheard between the police officer and the man, I didn't want to be out after sundown. I hurried home, feeling nervous. It will be fine. I told myself. Despite my efforts to calm myself, a flutter of anxiety was starting in my gut. I came to an intersection in the road and recognized where I was in the dim light. I was on the street in front of my house. I opened the door, stepped through, closed it and locked it. If I had still lived with my parents, they would have been worried sick. Thankfully, I didn't. I was feeling very tired, so I ran upstairs to my room and fell on the bed with my day clothes on.

 

I woke up. I heard something down the hall. They sounded like footsteps. I glanced down the hall, I had left my door open, but saw nothing. I figured I must have dreamed it or imagined it, just like the figure a few hours earlier. I lie in bed thinking about the figure, and how it disappeared, but I couldn’t think too long. My thoughts became one big, illegible jumble and the next thing I knew, it was morning. Woah, I must've been really tired, I didn't even remember closing my eyes. Puzzled, I went downstairs to watch the news, maybe something was on about the disappearances? I flicked on the news channel with the remote and heard that last night just next door my neighbor had been killed. A wave of sorrow hit me. Old man Barns was dead? I didn't know the guy well, but I still felt bad. What I thought next hit me like a punch to the gut: I could have been killed just as easily. The footsteps in the hall could have belonged to the murderer! Realizing this replaced my sorrow for Mr. Barns with fear for my own life.

 

I turned off the news. I was feeling scared, so I was a little shaky. I got ready for school and grabbed some money to buy lunch. I got my jacket on, because it was autumn, and headed out the front door. On the walk to school, I was constantly on edge, last night's events had scared me. As I got to school I immediately figured out that my friend Kaleen was absent today because she wasn't where she always was; beneath our big oak tree. She had met me here every day for the last ten years that we went to school together. She must be sick or something. The weather today was awesome! The sun was beating down and I assumed it was about 30 degrees Celsius, I suppose I didn't need my jacket after all. All the athletic kids were racing around and enjoying the warm weather. When the bell rang, everyone headed inside the school and headed to class. First period I had biology. I didn’t like it that much. I'm pretty sure I had around a sixty percent average in biology. Studying single celled organisms gets boring after a while. When the teacher, Mrs. Lark, said we’d be studying paramecium, I zoned out automatically. Next thing I knew, she was saying my name. Probably looking for an answer to a question I had missed. “Eh, twelve?" I asked, not paying attention at all. Mrs. Lark shook her head and pointed to my friend Lisa. Lisa sat up straight.

“Twenty six.” She replied confidently.

“Correct." Said Mrs. Lark. I hated biology.

 

The 2^nd period bell rang. Next we had Gym. We had just begun the soccer unit. I was pretty confident in sports, but I hate soccer. As the coach was setting up the teams, I was thinking about the footsteps I heard in the hallway, I wonder if anyone would believe me if I told someone?

“Quit daydreaming Nick!” yelled coach, getting right in my face.

“I said you’re over there!” he pointed to the far side of the field.

"Yes Coach!" I shouted.

When you messed up with the coach, I find that it's best to yell back at him, it gets him fired up, but it shows him that you are interested and eager to participate in his class, which he likes. I went where I was instructed. When couch blew the whistle, Lisa broke off and went for the ball.

 

She kicked it half way across the field, where her friend, Hilda was waiting and kicked it into the opposite net. I could hear the others congratulating them. When the coach blew the whistle when the ball was in place, I broke off. Lisa was right beside me.

"I'm getting that ball." She said to me confidently. I laughed.

"You wish." I said very cockily.

Lisa and I had been friendly rivals in sports for the last few years, she always wanted to prove that girls were just as good as guys when it came to athletics, I guess I try to humor her. I beat her to the ball by a few feet. I heard her grunt with mock frustration. I ran up the field, passed to my friend Micheal to get around some defensive players. He passed it back to me and I kicked it into the opposing team's net.

"Goal!" Micheal shouted as cockily as possible.

I laughed with him. Classic Micheal.

 

After gym, 3^rd period went on forever. It was math, we studied calculus, which I was pretty sure I was failing. I won't bore you with the details of that... 4^th period was French. I was pretty good at French, it came easy to me and I didn't need to pay much attention, I already knew the stuff we were learning, French came easy to me, I maintained an eighty nine percent average in French. 5th period was music, I played the snare drum, and I was alright at it. I maintained a seventy percent average in music. 6^th period was science. I found today's science very interesting, which was unusual. Our teacher, Mr. Grant had black hair, and a fairly slim build. He wore glasses and was a little nerdy, but he was pretty cool, I guess, as cool as far as teachers can get, I suppose. He told us about last night’s murder victim. Taking part in my daily activities took my mind off of my murdered neighbor for a while. Mr. Grant continued on, saying that old man Barns's body had traces of an element that was not currently recorded on the periodic table of elements. A spark of interest ignited within me. That was new.

 

“The element is being tested, it sure is fascinating, though. Our periodic table of elements may need to be re-written." Mr. Grant said. He laughed.

"Anyway, turn to page sixty in your science text books, I would like you to read the section on atomic bonds, and answer questions one through twelve." Mr. Grant told us.

He then sat at his desk and began reading The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. The rest of science went on as usual. At around 7:56 school let out. I grabbed my bag from my locker and headed towards the exit of the school. I walked down the familiar streets, I was a little ahead of schedule because it was a little lighter than when I usually walked home at this time. I passed the familiar streets, and I was almost home when I heard something. Uh oh, was it the murderer? A silent laugh escaped me. Listen to yourself. I thought. Why would someone want to kill you? I was about to completely disregard the thought of the murderer stalking me, but I then heard rustling in the bushes. I immediately thought of the figure I saw last night, this was around the same spot that the figure disappeared. Fear spread from my gut and worked its way towards the deepest reseces of my mind. I whirled around but saw nothing out of the ordinary. It must have been the wind. I reasoned with myself, trying not to let my overactive imagination get the better of me.

 

I continued on and a soft wind brushed against my arm. That was odd, the bushes nearby didn't sway in the slight breeze, It had felt as if someone ran by me. I continued, very frightened. Then I was knocked to the ground from behind, hard. Rage simmered through my veins, I wanted to know who was messing with me, right now. I got up, and looked around, hoping to find some guys from school pulling a prank on me, but saw nothing. I was cut on my knees and hands. I was about 2 blocks away from home and figured I could run the rest of the way fast enough so whoever was out there wouldn't catch me. As I ran I constantly got the feeling of being watched. I looked back, it was twilight, and in the dim light I could have sworn that I saw someone standing under a distant streetlight. I came to my house, opened the door, stepped through, slammed it and bolted it. I grabbed a sharp knife from the knife holder and checked my house, not that I thought there was someone here, I did it solely to put my subconscious mind at ease. Once I saw that there was no one in my house, I checked all of the windows and doors to make sure that they were all locked. After that, I checked outside and checked the surrounding streets, after confirming that I was alone, I went to my room and fell asleep on the bed.

 

I woke up feeling content that I had not had a dream, I suppose setting my subconscious mind at ease was a good idea. I got ready for school and started out. Today was nowhere near as nice as it was yesterday. It was rainy and cloudy. My best friend, Kaleen was here today. She had brown hair, a slim build, she was fairly tall, maybe 5 feet ten inches. Her skin tone was usually fairly tan, but today she was deathly pale, maybe she was sick? I also noticed that she was wearing sunglasses, why would she wear sunglasses when it was dim and cloudy? Something was different about her though. I didn't know what it was, a new hairstyle, maybe? Biology today proved to be interesting: We had a new student, her name was Saja. She had blonde hair, she wore sunglasses, even indoors, just like Kaleen, was it some kind of new fashion trend?

 

I hadn't noticed anyone else wearing sunglasses inside. Saja was around my height, maybe a little shorter. She had a pretty face, a slim build, around Kaleen's size, overall she was pretty good looking. Mrs. Lark directed her to her seat, which happened to be right behind me.

As Saja passed me she said "Hey." With a very warm smile.

"Oh, hey." I said, returning the smile.

I didn't expect that she actually talk to me, I thought that she would just keep quiet, and just drift around looking for friends like the typical new kid. I didn't know what it was, but there was something different about this new girl, something odd. Probably nothing. I reasoned with myself. Despite the logical side of my brain telling me that it is impossible, I can’t help but think that there is something not right about her…

 

Nothing interesting happened in my other subjects, I won't bore you with the details. Finally, along came 6th period: Science with Mr. Grant. After the entire class was seated, Mr. Grant was about to start the lecture, and Saja opened the door and strode in, looking down at a sheet of paper; her schedule.

"Excuse me, are you Mr. Grant?" Asked Saja in a calm, but hard voice.

"Yes, I am, you must be Saja, you can sit right over there." Mr. Grant told Saja, pointing at a seat in the front row.

Saja walked over and sat down. Today Mr. Grant said that the mysterious element found in old man Barns was not deadly. Well, that was good, I guess, but what murderer would plant a weird element that was completely knew to humanity in his or hers victim's bodies? Why not show it to scientists and get paid for discovering a new element? Something wasn't right...

 

The rest of the day passed as usual, with nothing really worth writing down, Saja was in a few of my other classes, but other than that, just the usual things happened today. At 7:57 School ended and I grabbed my things from my locker and started to walk away, but someone tapped me on the shoulder. It scared me, because I was just thinking of my previous walks home. I jumped slightly, but turned around to face the person who had tapped me.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think, I always welcome criticism. If you like it so far, there is now a book two, and book three is in the works!

Reviews

[Kasey Miriam]

So far I really enjoy this book. It's different and new. The characters are interesting and the plot thus far is moving at a good pace. It is written clearly and can be easily understood. Your hook was fantastic! That is a very important part of a story where the reader decides to continue or not.
There was one edit that caught my eye. When you write about the footsteps you use the word legible, this normally deals with being able to be read. I would use the word audible instead.
Very well done so far. I look forward to reading more.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! I certainly hope that you decide to read more! I have worked really hard on these books, I have been writing them since 2010 and am still writing book three.

[blackfairy3]

Excellent stirring you really know how to catch a reader's attention keep up the good work this is something to be proud of :)

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you so much!

[John Mcnab]

I love this chapter! I love the whole vampire 'gig' and this chapter just intrigued me so much. I love this chapter because it started off innocent enough. Then, things started going wrong. Just subtle things, mind you. But all of these subtle things built up and revealed something so climatic, so epic, and so shocking that I simply MUST READ MORE! Great job!

[wordman]

i read two paragraphs you have written a great story about the dark side
i could see this as a short series on tv it keeps you on the edge of your seat waiting on the next scene
and as a writer changing it in some ways to conform with my understanding great job

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review!

[wordman]

you are welcome

[Puffle]

Gah, cliffhanger!!!! This isn't usually my genre, but I'm hooked! A few things that I noticed is that you tend to repeat yourself and go into an insane amount of detail, especially when Nick is in school. It's a bit unnecessary to flesh out his entire day at school. Other than that and a few typos here and there, this is pretty fan-freaking-tastic! I'll be reading more...

[Ryan Henderson]

thank you for reviewing! I do my best to fix typos, but hey, it happens. :)

[yuki]

'disappearances and attacks ahppen
Dont know where the quote ends if its is a quote and happen is spelled wrong

Where it starts at "the 2nd...." Not sure if its suppost to be like that but the font is much smaller then the rest.

"I yelled and screamed the whole way down the street. "Run! There's a crazed gunamn"
Gunman is spelled wrong

Other then that great revising :)

[Ryan Henderson]

Thanks, and after it says '2nd' I don't know why, but the font is smaller, I tried to fix it, it is a bug with writerscafe. thank you for reviewing!

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Whew! I told you, this is not my genre but I read this one.
I found out that it is longer because the "Prologue" is included here. For me, prologue is a separate chapter so you should put it there as a chapter before Chapter 1.
Another thing is when making dialogues, it is better if you make each a separate stanza...like:

"This hasn't happened since 1266," she said

"We must think carefully, " the king said.

The concept is good, perhaps the writer has the talent to write stories apt for movies. :)
Good luck. Keep up the good work!

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for reading! And thank you for the positive feedback!

[luvs2write]

This was very interesting, I enjoyed reading it. You kept the pace slow enough to follow but fast enough to hold your reader's interest. There were a few typos, but typos can be found in all writing. Some suggestions....
I would start a new paragraph every time someone new is speaking. It got a little confusing when two people were having a conversation but it was all jumbled into one paragraph.
Since your story is in first person, it is very important that the reader can easily connect with and see Nick's personality. It was a little hard for me to see his personality because there was a lot going on. I would suggest including more of Nick's thoughts and feelings. For example, does Nick have a dry sense of humor? Add lots of sarcastic remarks. Does Nick have a more serious personality? Show him complaining about other people's lack of seriousness.
These are all just suggestions, I don't want you to feel like I'm telling you what to do. This was a very enjoyable chapter. Great way to catch your reader's attention!

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! I am editing the version that I have on wordpad, and I have been meaning to go through all three books and make Nick a little more dynamic by adding in more of his feelings towards things, go more in depth on his character in general, etc, etc.

[luvs2write]

You're welcome. Will you be posting the edited version on writerscafe? I'd love to read it. I recently went through the book that I'm working on and edited, it's amazing how much progress you can make by just reading over and editing. Keep writing!

[Ryan Henderson]

Yes, I will be posting the edited version to writerscafe, and you are right, because this first book used to be twenty pages (back in 2010 when I first wrote it) and the original version was nothing like this one, it was so bad, I kept the main storyline alive, but added in events that would thicken the plot, thicken the relationship between Nick ad Saja, Etc.

[luvs2write]

Well, you've done a very nice job. I think I'm going to go check out the next chapter.

[Ryan Henderson]

thank you, I'm glad that you liked it, book one and two are finished, book three is not yet finished, but the first few chapters are posted on my profile :)

[Arrinae]

Very interesting, but I suggest hitting enter one moer time between paragraphs so that the text doesn't appear blocky and hurt the eyes of your some of your readers.

I suggest making the prologue as a seperate chapter, you can still call it a prologue, and actually write it out rather than summerise it. That will make your readers feel more invested in the story.

For each character named that is important in some way you should always make sure to not go into too much detail initially. When describing height do it in comparison to the main character, since this is in 1st person. Try to avoid using the metric system.

That is all I can think of for this chapter. Aside from that it was well written and well received. And I'll admit I'm iffy when it comes to vampires and werewolve stories. (Twilight pisses me off royally. I refuse to watch it or read it, though I've been forced to against my will twice when I was in highschool) Seeing as this doesn't seem to romanticize the two races as a whole, I'm looking forward to reading more. Who knows maybe I end up loving this as much as I love the Underworld movie series.

Best of luck to you and keep at it!

[Ryan Henderson]

Alright, thank you for reviewing, I will keep what you said in mind, and no, these stories will not be centered around romance.

[Eliza Radley]

I found the storyline really engaging, and I look forward to reading further. A few small things- it was a little difficult to read, because of the way the dialogue is set out, and phrases like 'sped to incredible speed' seem a little jarring. Overall, a very interesting opening.