Book One Chapter One: Victims

In Nick's hometown, strange animal attacks are happening. Nick attends school as is normal, but on his walks home, he is being stalked by a strange being. Who is following him? Why?

Chapter One Victims:

“There have been strange disappearances around here, they look like animal attacks, and there is something unusual about these victims.” Said a police officer, he was a few feet away from me.

“Make sure to keep everyone away from the wilderness, I would hate to see anyone get hurt, or worse.” Said the man he was talking to.

“I will make sure that everyone stays away from the rural areas, I think that's where the attacks happen most often.” Replied the officer, getting into the squad car and driving away.

I’m Nick By the way. As I walked home I pondered the words of the conversation I had overheard.

 

I had not heard of any disappearances, what could that have meant? The officer did say that the 'disappearances and attacks' happen in the rural areas of town, that could be why I haven't heard of them before, it could be coyotes or some other animal, but what was it that the police officer had said about the attacks being suspicious? I do not pay much attention to the news, so I guess I'll have to found out later. It was getting dark, normally when I walk home from school around this time it is a little lighter, I must be behind schedule. Man, they need let school out earlier. It must have been 8:00 already!

 

I soon turned a corner with a streetlight. In the radiant brightness produced from above, I could read the nearby road sign: Borderline Avenue. I was almost home. As I passed out of the streetlight's beam of radiance, I realized that it was almost totally dark. The light from the streetlight still showed from behind me a little, and in the distance, maybe a hundred feet in front of me, I saw a silhouetted figure. I turned to look at it, I had indeed saw it, because I saw the figure, it looked like a girl, drop to a crouch position. That was odd. Confusion settled in my thoughts.

"Hello?" I called out.

The figures crouch lowered, then the figure disappeared! Just like that! I tried convincing myself that I had actually seen something, but the logical side of my brain told me otherwise, that it was impossible. I was probably just seeing things in the dark.

 

I had to get home quickly or else I would get lost in the darkness, and judging by the conversation I had just overheard between the police officer and the man, I didn't want to be out after sundown. I hurried home, feeling nervous. It will be fine. I told myself. Despite my efforts to calm myself, a flutter of anxiety was starting in my gut. I came to an intersection in the road and recognized where I was in the dim light. I was on the street in front of my house. I opened the door, stepped through, closed it and locked it. If I had still lived with my parents, they would have been worried sick. Thankfully, I didn't. I was feeling very tired, so I ran upstairs to my room and fell on the bed with my day clothes on.

 

I woke up. I heard something down the hall. They sounded like footsteps. I glanced down the hall, I had left my door open, but saw nothing. I figured I must have dreamed it or imagined it, just like the figure a few hours earlier. I lie in bed thinking about the figure, and how it disappeared, but I couldn’t think too long. My thoughts became one big, illegible jumble and the next thing I knew, it was morning. Woah, I must've been really tired, I didn't even remember closing my eyes. Puzzled, I went downstairs to watch the news, maybe something was on about the disappearances? I flicked on the news channel with the remote and heard that last night just next door my neighbor had been killed. A wave of sorrow hit me. Old man Barns was dead? I didn't know the guy well, but I still felt bad. What I thought next hit me like a punch to the gut: I could have been killed just as easily. The footsteps in the hall could have belonged to the murderer! Realizing this replaced my sorrow for Mr. Barns with fear for my own life.

 

I turned off the news. I was feeling scared, so I was a little shaky. I got ready for school and grabbed some money to buy lunch. I got my jacket on, because it was autumn, and headed out the front door. On the walk to school, I was constantly on edge, last night's events had scared me. As I got to school I immediately figured out that my friend Kaleen was absent today because she wasn't where she always was; beneath our big oak tree. She had met me here every day for the last ten years that we went to school together. She must be sick or something. The weather today was awesome! The sun was beating down and I assumed it was about 30 degrees Celsius, I suppose I didn't need my jacket after all. All the athletic kids were racing around and enjoying the warm weather. When the bell rang, everyone headed inside the school and headed to class. First period I had biology. I didn’t like it that much. I'm pretty sure I had around a sixty percent average in biology. Studying single celled organisms gets boring after a while. When the teacher, Mrs. Lark, said we’d be studying paramecium, I zoned out automatically. Next thing I knew, she was saying my name. Probably looking for an answer to a question I had missed. “Eh, twelve?" I asked, not paying attention at all. Mrs. Lark shook her head and pointed to my friend Lisa. Lisa sat up straight.

“Twenty six.” She replied confidently.

“Correct." Said Mrs. Lark. I hated biology.

 

The 2^nd period bell rang. Next we had Gym. We had just begun the soccer unit. I was pretty confident in sports, but I hate soccer. As the coach was setting up the teams, I was thinking about the footsteps I heard in the hallway, I wonder if anyone would believe me if I told someone?

“Quit daydreaming Nick!” yelled coach, getting right in my face.

“I said you’re over there!” he pointed to the far side of the field.

"Yes Coach!" I shouted.

When you messed up with the coach, I find that it's best to yell back at him, it gets him fired up, but it shows him that you are interested and eager to participate in his class, which he likes. I went where I was instructed. When couch blew the whistle, Lisa broke off and went for the ball.

 

She kicked it half way across the field, where her friend, Hilda was waiting and kicked it into the opposite net. I could hear the others congratulating them. When the coach blew the whistle when the ball was in place, I broke off. Lisa was right beside me.

"I'm getting that ball." She said to me confidently. I laughed.

"You wish." I said very cockily.

Lisa and I had been friendly rivals in sports for the last few years, she always wanted to prove that girls were just as good as guys when it came to athletics, I guess I try to humor her. I beat her to the ball by a few feet. I heard her grunt with mock frustration. I ran up the field, passed to my friend Micheal to get around some defensive players. He passed it back to me and I kicked it into the opposing team's net.

"Goal!" Micheal shouted as cockily as possible.

I laughed with him. Classic Micheal.

 

After gym, 3^rd period went on forever. It was math, we studied calculus, which I was pretty sure I was failing. I won't bore you with the details of that... 4^th period was French. I was pretty good at French, it came easy to me and I didn't need to pay much attention, I already knew the stuff we were learning, French came easy to me, I maintained an eighty nine percent average in French. 5th period was music, I played the snare drum, and I was alright at it. I maintained a seventy percent average in music. 6^th period was science. I found today's science very interesting, which was unusual. Our teacher, Mr. Grant had black hair, and a fairly slim build. He wore glasses and was a little nerdy, but he was pretty cool, I guess, as cool as far as teachers can get, I suppose. He told us about last night’s murder victim. Taking part in my daily activities took my mind off of my murdered neighbor for a while. Mr. Grant continued on, saying that old man Barns's body had traces of an element that was not currently recorded on the periodic table of elements. A spark of interest ignited within me. That was new.

 

“The element is being tested, it sure is fascinating, though. Our periodic table of elements may need to be re-written." Mr. Grant said. He laughed.

"Anyway, turn to page sixty in your science text books, I would like you to read the section on atomic bonds, and answer questions one through twelve." Mr. Grant told us.

He then sat at his desk and began reading The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. The rest of science went on as usual. At around 7:56 school let out. I grabbed my bag from my locker and headed towards the exit of the school. I walked down the familiar streets, I was a little ahead of schedule because it was a little lighter than when I usually walked home at this time. I passed the familiar streets, and I was almost home when I heard something. Uh oh, was it the murderer? A silent laugh escaped me. Listen to yourself. I thought. Why would someone want to kill you? I was about to completely disregard the thought of the murderer stalking me, but I then heard rustling in the bushes. I immediately thought of the figure I saw last night, this was around the same spot that the figure disappeared. Fear spread from my gut and worked its way towards the deepest reseces of my mind. I whirled around but saw nothing out of the ordinary. It must have been the wind. I reasoned with myself, trying not to let my overactive imagination get the better of me.

 

I continued on and a soft wind brushed against my arm. That was odd, the bushes nearby didn't sway in the slight breeze, It had felt as if someone ran by me. I continued, very frightened. Then I was knocked to the ground from behind, hard. Rage simmered through my veins, I wanted to know who was messing with me, right now. I got up, and looked around, hoping to find some guys from school pulling a prank on me, but saw nothing. I was cut on my knees and hands. I was about 2 blocks away from home and figured I could run the rest of the way fast enough so whoever was out there wouldn't catch me. As I ran I constantly got the feeling of being watched. I looked back, it was twilight, and in the dim light I could have sworn that I saw someone standing under a distant streetlight. I came to my house, opened the door, stepped through, slammed it and bolted it. I grabbed a sharp knife from the knife holder and checked my house, not that I thought there was someone here, I did it solely to put my subconscious mind at ease. Once I saw that there was no one in my house, I checked all of the windows and doors to make sure that they were all locked. After that, I checked outside and checked the surrounding streets, after confirming that I was alone, I went to my room and fell asleep on the bed.

 

I woke up feeling content that I had not had a dream, I suppose setting my subconscious mind at ease was a good idea. I got ready for school and started out. Today was nowhere near as nice as it was yesterday. It was rainy and cloudy. My best friend, Kaleen was here today. She had brown hair, a slim build, she was fairly tall, maybe 5 feet ten inches. Her skin tone was usually fairly tan, but today she was deathly pale, maybe she was sick? I also noticed that she was wearing sunglasses, why would she wear sunglasses when it was dim and cloudy? Something was different about her though. I didn't know what it was, a new hairstyle, maybe? Biology today proved to be interesting: We had a new student, her name was Saja. She had blonde hair, she wore sunglasses, even indoors, just like Kaleen, was it some kind of new fashion trend?

 

I hadn't noticed anyone else wearing sunglasses inside. Saja was around my height, maybe a little shorter. She had a pretty face, a slim build, around Kaleen's size, overall she was pretty good looking. Mrs. Lark directed her to her seat, which happened to be right behind me.

As Saja passed me she said "Hey." With a very warm smile.

"Oh, hey." I said, returning the smile.

I didn't expect that she actually talk to me, I thought that she would just keep quiet, and just drift around looking for friends like the typical new kid. I didn't know what it was, but there was something different about this new girl, something odd. Probably nothing. I reasoned with myself. Despite the logical side of my brain telling me that it is impossible, I can’t help but think that there is something not right about her…

 

Nothing interesting happened in my other subjects, I won't bore you with the details. Finally, along came 6th period: Science with Mr. Grant. After the entire class was seated, Mr. Grant was about to start the lecture, and Saja opened the door and strode in, looking down at a sheet of paper; her schedule.

"Excuse me, are you Mr. Grant?" Asked Saja in a calm, but hard voice.

"Yes, I am, you must be Saja, you can sit right over there." Mr. Grant told Saja, pointing at a seat in the front row.

Saja walked over and sat down. Today Mr. Grant said that the mysterious element found in old man Barns was not deadly. Well, that was good, I guess, but what murderer would plant a weird element that was completely knew to humanity in his or hers victim's bodies? Why not show it to scientists and get paid for discovering a new element? Something wasn't right...

 

The rest of the day passed as usual, with nothing really worth writing down, Saja was in a few of my other classes, but other than that, just the usual things happened today. At 7:57 School ended and I grabbed my things from my locker and started to walk away, but someone tapped me on the shoulder. It scared me, because I was just thinking of my previous walks home. I jumped slightly, but turned around to face the person who had tapped me.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think, I always welcome criticism. If you like it so far, there is now a book two, and book three is in the works!

Reviews

[Kasey Miriam]

So far I really enjoy this book. It's different and new. The characters are interesting and the plot thus far is moving at a good pace. It is written clearly and can be easily understood. Your hook was fantastic! That is a very important part of a story where the reader decides to continue or not.
There was one edit that caught my eye. When you write about the footsteps you use the word legible, this normally deals with being able to be read. I would use the word audible instead.
Very well done so far. I look forward to reading more.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! I certainly hope that you decide to read more! I have worked really hard on these books, I have been writing them since 2010 and am still writing book three.

[Miss Tilley]

I've read chapter one and I really like how the story is developing. You seem to have a good story line in mind. I am one of those people who overthinks everything and tend to get caught up in the details.. so this isn't criticism, but just a few things that were running through my mind while reading.
- I LOVE the use of unconventional names. But I also like to know how to pronounce the name. Maybe put in a little page as a key on how the names should be pronounced. Now that more and more books are turning into movies. I hate when I get it in my head that a name should sound one way and then I hear it said in a movie or audio book another way. Haha.. My first thought "They're saying it wrong". :)
- Question: I'm assuming that this is a pretty small town? The reason I ask is that you said that your friend Kaleen had met you under that tree at school, for the last 10 years. I had deduced that you are a student, not a teacher and if that's the case, if it had been 10 years, your school would have to cover K through 12. Or maybe just a special school? Charter school?
- Where are your parents? You're startled out of sleep, but don't check to see if your parents are awake, or have heard anything. You don't mention them.
- Question.. school ends at 7:57 at night?
I look forward to reading more chapters. I think you have a strong concept and I'm curious to see where this leads.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thanks a lot for the review! I honestly was surprised when I saw that this old piece had been reviewed XD I really haven't touched the thing since I finished the book. The pronunciation guide is a really good idea, thanks for that!

I believe I explain why Nick is living on his own later in the book, by the way. And yep! School ends late in this book. I figured that in order to have a vampire book, there had to be a bunch of night scenes.

Anyway, thank you so much for the review! If you decide to keep reading, please keep in mind that this is the first book I ever wrote. Despite the few editing runs I did on it, I can't really fix some things because that would throw off events in the next two books, and yeah XD You can see why I can't really change certain things.

[Miss Tilley]

That's awesome to know it's the first book. I look forward to reading the other books. I just happened to stumble upon this one. I will most definitely check out your other works. I wish they listed them chronologically by date published! :)

[Ryan Henderson]

Thanks so much! I'll be sure to look into your works as well!

[Barbara Tennyson]

I don't know what you did in paragraph 5, but if you can figure it out, repeat that throughout the text. You do know you can edit the text after it has been published, right?

[KeithKVH]

Reading again after the revamp, I feel not a whole lot has changed with it in this part though. There are actually several parts I was surprised to see you left alone, but as I always say, my suggestions are just suggestions. I do see that this is a bit shorter than it was before though, the first chapter originally continued past this point.

I'll mail you what I took note of. ^^

[Ryan Henderson]

Yeah, the edits don't REALLY take place until chapter seven ish. Chapters 1-6 went through minor edits, not a whole lot changed though.

[Lizardo]

I'm really loving the book so far, Like sereiusly, I'm loving the book
Your writing style is good and how you tell the events unfold keep the reader hooked
I'm going to read more!

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you! I am glad you are enjoying it so far. It gets really good around chapter four.

[KeithKVH]

This has potential. There are a few things I took note of to point out, but the grammar and spelling doesn't need a large amount of work. The story gives an original feel, the overall flow is good. The length of the chapter was a bit surprising, I write them somewhat long myself though. For it's length the pace seems alright, though the story's pace does move a bit fast in certain areas. The way he disregards his friend's change in appearance makes it seem almost disconnected, I think a short scene where he questions her but gets no real answers might alleviate this.

Also, the development with Mr. Grant, the teacher/vampire hunter, seems sudden. It can happen this way, but if you're going to have that timing, I think some of the dialogue needs to change. The way they interact in that scene, it makes me wonder whether Mr. Grant has some inside information like a prophecy about Nick being a future hero. Nick's final line "Thank you, I am going to leave now. Your secret is safe with me." makes him almost seem like he's acting heroic here. As a modern day student, it seems out of place.

These aside, I do like the story so far. The cryogenic element is an interesting aspect, I find the teacher an interesting character despite what I had to say about some of their interactions, and though I could tell Saja was a vampire who was up to something, the scene at the restaurant did not disappoint. The betrayal was nicely done, and the way he slipped out with the crowd was clever. You left us hanging at a good point too, I don't have time now but I definitely want to continue on.

Overall, very nice work. I know I've said quite a bit, but I did also make a list of a few spelling and grammar corrections, as well as a few other minor suggestions. My review is getting long though, so if I'm not making a nuisance of myself, just let me know and I'll write them in a pm or comment, whichever you prefer.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! I do know that I must have a little more interaction between Nick and Mr. Grant, I have been told that but have not had the time to change that. As for the 'changes' in Kaleen's appearance, I made Nick disregard it because I wanted it to seem disconnected and irrelevant, as the 'changes' in her appearance lead to something important later in the story... Thank you for reviewing, I am glad that you enjoyed it, and yes, I would love for you to P.M me the spelling errors, that would be great!

[Sanguine]

I am going to review this chapter by chapter and let my inner grammar freak loose. I will be concentrating on specific grammar points (probably all of them, but I will (undoubtedly) miss a few. I hope you will not be offended by that. I will be writing what I think of the story at the end of the last review.

1) Prologue, line two:
"their prey. They had amazing strength speed and stamina which made it easy to catch their prey. But one"

That should be:
"their prey. They had amazing strength, speed and stamina which made it easy to catch their prey. But one"

There is a comma between the words 'strength' and 'speed'.
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2) Prologue, line three:
"brave soul known as Tigiti rebelled against the high queen. He took his sword, Sangiria into combat. And"

That should be:
"brave soul known as Tigiti rebelled against the high queen. He took his sword, Sangiria, into combat. And"

There is a comma after Sangiria.
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Because I am far too lazy to do it line by line, I will do it paragraph by paragraph.

3) Chapter one, paragraph one:
"Chapter One Victims: “There have been strange disappearances around here, they look like animal attacks, and there is something unusual about these victims.” Said a police officer, he was a few feet away from me. “Make sure to keep everyone away from the wilderness, I would hate to see anyone get hurt, or worse.” Said the man he was talking to. “I will make sure that everyone stays away from the rural areas, I think that's where the attacks happen most often.” Replied the officer, getting into the squad car and driving away. I’m Nick By the way. As I walked home I pondered the words of the conversation I had overheard."

That should be:

Chapter One: Victims

“There have been strange disappearances around here. They look like animal attacks, and there is something unusual about these victims.” said a police officer a few feet away from me.

“Make sure to keep everyone away from the wilderness, I would hate to see anyone get hurt, or worse.” the man he was talking to said.

“I will make sure that everyone stays away from the rural areas; that is where the attacks are happening the most often.” replied the officer as he got into the squad car and drove away.

As I walked home I pondered the words of the conversation I had overheard.

I’m Nick, by the way. [insert a little bit about himself here]"

The reason why I have changed that paragraph like I did was because of a few things. I will list them:

1) When a new person starts speaking you start a new line. This is done in all writing published because then your readers do not get confused with who is speaking. New line, new person. Same line, same person.

2) I inserted a new sentence where you put a comma in the first line "around here, they look like animal attacks" because strange disappearances and animal attacks are unrelated by themselves. Two unrelated things do not go together in a sentence. That would be like saying "my cat loves yarn, the kitty litter we bought yesterday was expensive"- they just do not fit together seamlessly.

3) I inserted a little letter after someone stops speaking. When someone finishes talking, enough though there is a full stop in place, the quotation marks come after it, meaning the sentence was not yet finished. You don't put a random capital letter in the middle of a sentence on a word that is not a noun so you do not put a capital letter there unless, of course, it is a noun.

4) I changed "said the man he was talking to" to "the man he was talking to said" because you have already used the word 'said' in a similar pattern above it ("said a police officer a few feet away from me"). Changing the order of the words stops the writing from having the monotonous feel that you sometimes get when reading books aimed for younger children (I'm not saying the way you have written this book is for younger children, so please do not take offense at that. It just gives a similar feeling).

5) I changed "getting into the squad car and driving away" to "go into the squad car and drove away" because the words you used were present tense while the rest was in past.

6) I changed "I'm Nick By the way" to "I'm Nick, by the way" because of random capitalization and the need for a comma.

7) I moved "I'm Nick, by the way" from its place to the end of the section because generally when someone introduces themselves they tell their conversation partner a little about themselves. You just inserted the introduction randomly where it does not make much sense.

And as far as I can see that is paragraph one of chapter one done. I probably missed a couple of explanations for changes I made and for that I do apologize. I also apologize for nitpicking at this paragraph. I do believe there will be a lot more though, so I am sorry.
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4) Chapter one, paragraph two:
"I had not heard of any disappearances, what could that have meant? The officer did say that the 'disappearances and attacks' happen in the rural areas of town, that could be why I haven't heard of them before, it could be coyotes or some other animal, but what was it that the police officer had said about the attacks being suspicious? I do not pay much attention to the news, so I guess I'll have to found out later. It was getting dark, normally when I walk home from school around this time it is a little lighter, I must be behind schedule. Man, they need let school out earlier. It must have been 8:00 already!"

That should be:

"I had not heard of any disappearances at all. What could that have meant? The officer did say that the 'disappearances and attacks' had happened in the rural areas of town- that could be why I haven't heard of them before. It could be coyotes or some other animal, but what was it that the police officer had said about the attacks being suspicious? I did not pay much attention to the news, so I guessed that I would have to found out later. It was getting dark outside. Normally when I walked home from school at time it would be a little lighter. I must have been behind schedule. Man, they need let school out earlier. It must have been 8:00 already!"

In this paragraph you changed tenses often and varied between past and present, so I changed it all to past as this story is predominantly set in the past tense. Some writers do writer in the present tense, like Suzanne Collins in The Hunger Games, or my sister but it is exceedingly difficult to keep writing in the present tense due to the fact that you have to write your story as if you do not know anything at all. After a while, this gets irritating- believe me, I've tried!

I also suggest changing the time. "It must have been 8:00 already!" says that Nick has been walking home for four hours (and that is allowing time for him to listen to the cops, dawdle a bit, talk to his friends after school etc. etc) because most schools get out at 3:00-3:30pm.
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5) Chapter one, paragraph three:
"I soon turned a corner with a streetlight. In the radiant brightness produced from above, I could read the nearby road sign: Borderline Avenue. I was almost home. As I passed out of the streetlight's beam of radiance, I realized that it was almost totally dark. The light from the streetlight still showed from behind me a little, and in the distance, maybe a hundred feet in front of me, I saw a silhouetted figure. I turned to look at it, I had indeed saw it, because I saw the figure, it looked like a girl, drop to a crouch position. That was odd. Confusion settled in my thoughts. "Hello?" I called out. The figures crouch lowered, then the figure disappeared! Just like that! I tried convincing myself that I had actually seen something, but the logical side of my brain told me otherwise, that it was impossible. I was probably just seeing things in the dark."

This should be:

"I soon turned a corner with a streetlight shining down. In the radiant brightness produced from above, I could read the nearby road sign: Borderline Avenue.

I was almost home.

As I passed out of the streetlight's beam of light, I realized that it was almost completely dark. The light from the streetlight still showed from a little way behind me, and in the distance, maybe a hundred feet in front of me, I saw a silhouetted figure. I turned to look at it- I had definitely seen it- and it looked like a girl, hunkered down in a crouched position.

How weird.

Confusion settled deep in my thoughts, trying to figure out the mystery before me. "Hello?" I called out. The figure's position lowered and disappeared.

Disappeared! Just like that! I tried convincing myself that I had actually seen something, but the logical side of my brain told me otherwise. It was impossible. I was probably just seeing things in the dark."

I changed your wording a bit to fit his mind. I doubt a boy his age would casually use the word 'indeed' in his thoughts.
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I do realize that I am only a short way through this review and already it is obnoxiously long. I will stop nitpicking now, and hope that you use the grammatical tips in your future books.

Now, for my personal review:

Though I have commented frequently above I would like to say that I have enjoyed this story so far. You have an imagination, which is good (though I sense a bit of Twilight around the disappearances being to do with animals), though you do need to work on grammar and characterization.

I will talk about characterization, since I almost didn't shut up about grammar and word choice above.

I know next to nothing about Nick. Who is he, what are his interests- does he like reading, playstation or TV? Also I cannot remember reading how old he way.

I suggest splitting your chapters up a bit. Most people do 2000-5000 word chapters but you are sitting on 8295 words, which can be an off-putting number to people who do not have much time on their hands.

You also do not describe with much detail. You state basic things with a bit of description but I was never able to completely lose myself in the story. You also repeat a lot of simple phrases that could differ slightly to make your chapters more interesting.

But you are probably bored of this review already.

And so, I will leave the review for this chapter there and review chapter two tomorrow, perhaps, though I make no guarantees. Between school, exams, internals, articles for magazines and my own writing it's a wonder I get anything done.

Thank you for contacting me so soon after I joined this website and I look forward to reading and reviewing chapter two.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for reviewing! I will add those grammar fixes later, but as for the different lines when someone is speaking... That could take a while seeing as this story is a total of 110 pages. As for the giving of minimal information on Nick, I did that on purpose because since he is the HERO of the story, I think that it should be up to the reader to see what he looks like, and as for his hobbies, I inserted that little bit of information in the date scene, where him and Saja were talking about their lives. Thank you for your input and I hope to be able to make those changes that you suggested soon!

[jennifer little]

nice work on this you did a amazing job keep up the good work

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review!

[jennifer little]

your welcome

[Meraki]

It's different. And there's a lot going on. Many things are happening far too fast especially for the first chapter. It's a good concept but I think you should take the time to elaborate and explain a few things before moving on to the next big scene. Unless of course this is a novella then ignore everything I've just said. Other than that it's just spelling and a couple of repeated phrases and developing relationships, such as those between the reader and Nick and Nick and the other characters. Again, it's a nice concept.

[Ryan Henderson]

thank you for reviewing, as for things happening too fast, can you cite some examples, so I can improve it?

[Meraki]

Introducing new characters and the date between Saja and Nick when they barely talked to each other. They way he quickly dismissed the changes he sees in Kaleen his friend of ten years. How quickly the other attacks came and how quickly the evidence came in and the attack at the school and how there was no introduction in his relationship to Mr. Grant but suddenly Mr. Grant is telling him he's a vampire slayer and Nick feels better telling him than Kaleen not only that it's really early to have anything to confess. At the moment the story feels like it's in constant action.

[Ryan Henderson]

Well, it is in constant action, but it slows down as you read, I just didn't want to make the scenes too wordy and long, so I got everything the reader needed to know and put it into chapter one, then of course the story builds from there. Thank you for telling me, I will take what you have said into consideration. :)

[Laura Lynn]

Very nice, there's a lot going on in here, I have wanted to hear about things like this from the narrative classic fiction perspective style, it helps and it is a great kindness though I am obsequious about it, wanting to continue to write in metrics

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! And yes, there is a lot going on, this took me two years to write!