10 Minutes of Truth

This is A LOT to take in, so feel free to scroll down past the lyrics to the video where I put this piece to music. And thanks for listening!

See, y’all

I can recall

how I was way back then.

Almost ashamed to tell stories of way back when.

I’m not gonna be fake.  I’m not gonna try and make pretend

that foresight doesn’t say maybe we can’t be friends

because of our pasts, ‘cause of my blatant sins.

Plus, hindsight tells me I need to make amends.

Guilt is in excess

when dealing with the exes

but I hope you see it’s sincere if you take it in.

I guess I had no respect-

quote this text:

they say people don’t change.  Well I’m trying to break the trend.

I can’t front when I write:

for once in my life,

everything is clear and it’s making sense.

Introspect,

retrospect-

that’s what makes us men.

Because we learn our souls,

we learn our goals,

we learn our roles,

we learn what roads

we should never take again.

I just hope I can make y’all relate to pen…

 

…hopefully, I can do this artfully.

You wanted those letters bad on your Junior Varsity

jacket-U and I.

Truly I

could’ve just given you another shot when you tried to prove your heart to me.

But I benched you; had you missing the season.

To that girl I left for no significant reason:

I now know how bad I hurt you, left you sniffling, grieving,

crying. Over and over like the switching of seasons.

I, your true love,

just said you screwed up.

No explanation. I just told you like; “listen: I’m leaving”.

Pissed, you were screaming.

It’s just bereavement

that I have on my heart.  Still do to this second.

When I visited evenings-

heavy kissing and breathing

and more-I’m sorry I used you for seconds.

But in my younger days,

I disobeyed the rules, too reckless;

my hunger pangs

said I’d be a fool to reject it.

Couldn’t ignore your Perseverance.

I know it hurts to hear this,

but I’m making sure that no truth is neglected.

This is my apology. I hope you’re moved to accept it.

 

It wasn’t ‘til recently that it all became Krystal clear-

so, I have to add more truth to confession.

I remember when school was in session,

we were together. You thought it was so blissful there.

Until I dropped out on us before our first fiscal year.

Last

day of class-

I ain’t half

look back.

You paid the cost for that schooling-scholarships couldn’t foot that.

All that you invested, you wished you could’ve put back;

the hopes, the dreams, the love, the time.

‘Cause when that final bell chimed-

that’s when your heart stopped.

You enrolled into college

for the experience and the knowledge.

But I gave you a crash course-School of Hard Knocks.

And you majored in the emotional bumps and the bruises.

See, I wasn’t accustomed to choosing

another person’s feelings over mine.

And over time,

I’ve looked back and saw just how much you were losing

and what you lost. Like your mind, integrity, virginity.

I guess they didn’t teach you enough when you learned chemistry.

They should’ve taught you that if we merged energy,

that you would hurt endlessly.

We’re not worst enemies-

but not at all friends.  Somehow it seems worse.

I know why we didn’t last-‘cause it was me first.

I was the first

to truly take your heart.

What makes it worse

is: I was the first

to truly break your heart.

I was the first

to see your design from the back.

What makes it worse

is: I was the first

to creep behind your back.

I was the first

boyfriend that your family met.

What makes it worse

is: I was the first

to make the insanity set.

I feel so much remorse for this cruel phase.

Listen: I didn’t even know where to start.

If you ask me what have I learned from my school days:

only med students should play with affairs of the heart.

 

I never forgot. Especially now, I reminisce each minute

and regret that I ever forced you to seek the clinic.

I just wanted your pregnancy finished.

At that point in time...my future? No babies in it.

I’m sorry for making you pay such a drastic price.

I didn’t have to make you kill him or her.  He or she,

she or he

could have just been a b*****d, right?

Still said you could see the good that I had inside.

Nope.  I’m just an average guy.

I remember when you smashed my ride;

your broken heart made you leave broken glass inside.

Still don’t think it was warranted,

but there’s no ignoring it-

due to my past of lies.

I earned it.

I deserved it

‘cause I masked your cries

with the moans of others,

postponed the mother

in you, left our child pacified.

Forever. I’m trying to fashion a rhyme

to reconcile for me being so absent at mind:

I loved you. I just hated monogamy.

I equated monotony

with that. Wait, wait-my wording

ain’t working-

but, please take my apology.

I may have possibly

created a prophecy:

Karma’s been listening,

to destiny’s whispering,

and I’m pretty sure that fate has been mocking me.

Ever since day one, they had been watching me

and now I’ll have to face the hypocrisy

with my own baby girl!  So, I space like an odyssey

and wish upon the stars that they’ve, maybe, forgotten me.

My words

and my word

that I’m sorry is all I can offer

for each and every time that I faltered.

So, for her to not partake

in that same heartbreak

as you; I’ll have to keep guys like me well and far away from my daughter.

 

And then it Dawned on me: there’s that one I felt bad for;

same one I felt sad for.

As for the events that led me to my last straw:

things got out of hand.

But, now I understand

some of the reasons that you spazzed for,

reasons you acted rash for.

Like how I used to act like we didn’t have more

than what was evident.

I tried to set the precedent

that we could be only friends ‘cause I was weighed down, carrying Jansport.

But, something else happened-we started to laugh more.

When I didn’t have my armor and my mask worn,

you looked different. I contradicted myself; gave in,

caved in

to what you wanted and asked for.

I was trying to not break your heart;

not trying not to break your heart.

There’s a difference. One demands more.

I tried not to lead you on,

lead you wrong.

Not only did I lead you astray, I opened up the damn door

to misconception.

It’s a lesson

learned. But, back then, I couldn’t stomach that. It left my abs sore.

If only I could’ve stood for what I wanted to stand for

instead of being a man w***e;

laying with you,

and playing with you-

I’d add more

but won’t. I just hope you see the sorrow from deep inside of this man’s core.

 

Just because the source goes,

it doesn’t mean the sores close.

I think that’s where I’ll start.

Yep.  Felt like we grew miles apart.

Two thousand plus, to be accurate-map it.

No matter how we look at it, look past it:

my fault or your error.

It’s a gone era.

Bottom line is: whatever happened, it happened.

It just happened the planets

couldn’t stand how we planned it

at first.

Classic magic

turned drastically tragic.

What’s worse:

they weren’t understanding our standing

though we stood under them.

You were pushed out of love with him.

You started getting all of your loving from

that other guy. So, I tried to match it in panic;

yet, couldn’t manage to plan it.

Granted all the granite

in my heart, I was too damaged to handle it-

let alone, get back in my habits.

My train of thought: outlandish and frantic.

When the next plane of opportunity landed, I manned it.

Despite what was instigated

and indicated

by get back, I didn’t feel vindicated.

All I know is, everything was crimson shaded:

I was still mad, still seeing red;

but my Bloodshot Eyes-they wouldn’t let me see us dead.

Rose-colored lenses faded

eventually from scarlet to green: my tint was jaded.

That’s real.  I felt the sin of hatred

for the first time in my life when that prescription traded.

Dose of my own medicine.

I had never been

so sick, so in love,

lovesick, and sick of love.

To the best of my knowledge,

other than time, I had no antibiotic.

Soul mates

who couldn’t control fate?

Ironic.

That part of my life was iconic

because it taught me to see with more than my optics.

It no longer defied logic

why you found refuge

with Drew.

Finally, I got it-

the answer to how you could reverse you love:

the reason lies in all the other verses above.

 

So to you all, even the ones that I wasn’t speaking on:

as you can see, I started reflecting.

Saw my reflection.

Looking back at my past self, I see he was wrong.

Hard headed.

I’m sorry I taught you those hard lessons.

Some were more extreme than others. I guess I far-fetched it.

Now, I see the big picture, the large message.

Ironically, I was the last to see, though.

Maybe because I always tried to mask the peepholes

to my soul. But once I saw past my ego,

I found the answer in the haystack, grasped the needle,

injected myself with conscience,

now I’m conscious

my love was twisted. Better yet, backwards: evol.

And with that, I vowed that a vowel plus a letter would help me evol-v-e,

and show my resolve.

My already foreseen flaws-

now they seem lost.

The old me’s gone,

But still; this is me, y’all!

I won’t see-saw,

I won’t reverse,

I won’t revert.

I, indeed, hurt

some of you a little.  And some of you I messed up bad.

…I can’t apologize enough for these regrets I have.

Author's Note

This is my Magnum Opus. This is the most that I have ever poured out on paper. This is my most heartfelt work. This is my most truthful piece.

SIDENOTE: My poetry has always been rhythmic. This is rhythm and poetry-not Rap. Now that I've learned (and I'm still learning, actually) to meld music with my poetry, I've opened up a whole new world to myself. Hope you enjoy; I have more on the way!

Reviews

[Samantha ~virginpoet]

I finally got around to reading this, Then I listened to it as well and I liked hearing it because of your voice and the deepening emotions I could hear.

It is a true talent when anyone can express such honesty more so when the person is a man and to do it in poetry is beyond beautiful.

This poem was so bold, truthful, heartfelt, I could go on you have outdone yourself

Outstanding

[dartanyon jonez]

Thanks, Samantha!

Kudos to you if you read it all of the way through first-I don't think I was exaggerating when I said it was a lot to take in. And THEN you listened to it; thank you SO much. To read 10 minutes of poetry and then listen to it all over again for another 11 minutes really just makes me feel humbled.

It is my most honest piece. All of my work is, but I had to expose some dirty truths about myself to display that level of honesty; and I'm not ashamed of that. I am ashamed of a lot of the things I did, although it all turned into life lessons-it just sucks that I had to learn it at someone else's expense.

And, awww geez, guys do things like this all time! Lol Don't give me so much credit (but I'll take it!)!

-dj

[W. Barrett Munn]

This is pretty damned special. My only thing is that it gets a tad IMO redundant toward the end and might be a job for a skilled editor to work. That said, I found my own life's story in much of what you wrote. The self-absorption of youth that we cannot realize at the time how much damage we do-or maybe we should have known but were too concerned with self to notice.

And what do you do then with regrets? That is a whole "nother poem.

Winston

[EvaThornburn]

The music and the words go hand and hand here. I found your write so breath taking. So many emotions running here and there. Well done! Eva

[Inject Positivity]

To be able to speak your heart fully is not easy, and your whole poem speaks absolute honest thing... It is kind of a self revelation as well confession and acceptance of past mistakes... We all miss the chance of facing our true selves a our life and this poem tells me the importance of it... Very well done, it is definitely a long one but life stories are supposed to be long... Very well done...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[dartanyon jonez]

Thank you, Dhiman! You're right: this wasn't easy to write. And I never looked at it like a life story, but I will now! It took a lot out of me, but it was well worth it. And I'm a perfectionist, so every rhyme, every metaphor, every similie, every internal rhyme-all of it-I felt had to be as close to perfect as possible for this to convey every feeling I expressed. Now the actual recording and mixing of it wasn't perfect, but that's a another story. Lol

Thanks again, Dhiman!

[barleygirl]

I like that you wrote your Author's Note, becuz otherwise, I might not have taken your message as seriously as I did. It kinda helped me overcome my dislike for "rap" long enuf to see that your lyrics are quite different from the "rap" I've heard (which is too much about violence & disrespecting people). All in all, I could "hear" the rap sound thru-out your message (in a good way). Many times people share lyrics, but I just don't feel it being in song as I read. In this case, I very much felt the music as I read.

As for the message itself, I'm very impressed at your ability to be brutally honest about yourself, your past, your intentions, & your feelings. This is so rare! So many things don't go deep enuf for me. I like that you reached deep within yourself to pull this out. Plus, the rhyme/assonance that adds such an artful flair to a serious heart-pouring message . . . I'm amazed you could blend these two aspects, the rap beat & rhyme, but not letting that artful crafting override the deeper meanings you share so vividly. Very well done! I'll admit it was a bit long for me. But still worth getting thru every stanza.

[dartanyon jonez]

Thank you so much, barleygirl!

It's humbling to realize that I may have shed a new light on rap music for you, based on you listening to my piece. Thank you. You're right: my poetry has elements of rap. And because rap is literally Rhythm And Poetry (or it started that way, at least), I can't shy away from the parallels that you hear. Again, it just makes me happy that it may have changed your perception on rap-even if just a little bit. I love music and I love trying to be a wordsmith, so the two naturally go hand in hand.

It took me many years, many mistakes, and many heartbreaks to be able to put this piece together. It actually started out as something completely different, but when those creative juices start flowing...

There are a lot of layers here-I am very particular and deliberate in my choice of words-so I was a little nervous that some of the details may have made it a bit hard to follow. I spoke on 5 different women specifically that I'd been involved with (and our unique experiences) just to let them and anyone else that I may have hurt know that I am sorry. I was a real jerk! Lol

Again, I am so glad that you enjoyed it. I put a lot effort into it. And it is a long-I was surprised at how long it was when I finished it. And since I didn't have a title at the time of completion, "10 Minutes of Truth" just made all the sense in the world. (Even though it stretched it out a little longer by putting the music to it! Lol)

Thanks a bunch, barleygirl! I'm looking forward to reading more of yours, as well. My job just makes it difficult to get on here as much as I'd like.

-dj