Uncle Deshaun Pt. 1

It's PART of a story that I wrote some time ago in school. I loved writing it and received marvelous feedback so I figured why not post it here? I hope you love it!!

"Hello?" He shouts. No one answers.

He is by himself in what is left of the city. The sky is pitch black, its darkness fits the environment very well. The city's only lights come from the flames taking refuge in various buildings, trees, and cars. All around him the area is in shambles, glass litters the streets along with street poles. The only sounds other than his shoes crunching on the glass are the alarms of a few lucky cars, the crackling of the flames, and... And... the faint but increasing volume of a man's weak, almost muted calls for help.

He ran closer to the source of the noise, avoiding various cars and garbage cans to reach the only clue to the cause of this chaotic scene. As he approached, he noticed that the man was trapped, pinned to the ground from the waist down.

"I'm coming! Hold on, I'm almost there!" He shouted to the man.

Making sure not to cause too much pain on his body, the man lifted himself as much as he could, in search of his hero.

Once he spotted his savior, he shouted with new found hope. "I'm here, please help me! Please! I'm stuck under all of this s**t!"

He looked over the man's body and realized that he was right. He was pinned down under large chunks of a building. The pieces piled on his back and sides looked as if they were going to be too heavy for him to move himself. While he scanned the rubble for any possible way to free the desperate man his eyes drifted to the man's face. They both gasped with great shock to learn that they knew each other. This voice was familiar for a reason, this man was familiar. He was more than familiar, he was Ramal's close friend Troy.

"Troy, what happened to you!?" He asked his companion with a very worried tone.

Troy responded between very deep and troubled breaths, "Ramal? I don't… know. I was… walking over to... hang out with Michael… and then a rock… hit my head… it knocked me over... I fell and then… All of this crap fell on me. Get me out…"

Ramal nodded dutifully and grabbed at the rubble trying to free his trapped companion, he pulled with all of his might, the veins in his arms and head were bulging out of his skin. He tried pushing and pulling the rubble, using whatever strength he had to move the rubble even an inch. If he could just move it in the slightest bit he must be able to save Troy. He pushed some more, but it was to no avail. Ramal sat in front of his friend, tired and frantic for a solution he thought wildly hoping an idea would come to him.

“Come on Ramal! get me out of here! why’re you sitting!? Please!” Troy shouted with an edge of sadness in his voice.

“I’m thinking Troy..! I’m thinking…” That was all Ramal could get out to his friend, choking back tears of frustration.

Ramal was losing hope that he’d ever rescue Troy. He clawed his hair as he thought to himself, “Please… I need to help him… Give me an idea! I’ll take anything! Please!!!”

Coming from behind him he received a response, a response loud and clear. A response in a voice that was… his!?

“Leave him, let him die. You can’t save him, no one can.” reasoned this voice, his voice.

Ramal stood up quickly and turned to look for the voice. He searched and he finally spotted the source of the voice, but just barely. It was a person on top of a building that was approximately five or six stories tall. They were too far away for Ramal to identify the person. At that moment, the person jumped off the building! They jumped into the air, very high and very fast, so fast that Ramal quickly lost sight of them.

“Ramal! hurry! it’s him! Get me out! Now!” Troy screamed hysterically, it seemed like Troy was terrified of this new terror.

Author's Note

I would love any critiques!!

Reviews

[Dutch Jr.]

Nicely written, and now I want to read the rest of this story. Try to avoid the "?!" At the end of dialogue in your writing, however. Either a ? or a !, never both, it's frowned upon. It was a pretty interesting read, though. You should post the entire story.

[Ramal]

I thought about uploading all of it but I figured seeing as how it is about 9 or 10 pages WITHOUT revision and this one is the same as the one I post on deviantart, so I figured that for the people that aren't avid that it is easier this way. I will remember this for next time though, thank you!!