Black Falls: Winter is Boring

A Story by Aedriane

Ficlet with characters from my Black Falls WIP. Day 2 of my NaNo challenge.

"Ugh, winter is so boring here!" Was exclaimed as Arianne dramatically threw herself into the giant pink bean bag in the corner and laid in it limply. It was her favorite thing to do when she was bored or irritated with something. She only moved to look up when she heard a stifled giggle from beside her.

"Really, Ari?" Annabelle asked as she swiveled around in her chair. "I'd have thought you would be buried in a pile of blankets with some tea binging K-dramas and whining about the cold."

"Girl, I'm from Nevada, not the Bahamas." She sighed before going back to her dying of boredom act, watching the wall behind the chair. "Yeah, it's hot there, but it does get pretty cold in the winter." She then remained quiet for a solid few minutes before quickly sitting upright. "...Wait, who has the time to binge K-dramas? Exams are literally a month and a half away!"

"Perhaps the same kind of person who complains about winter being boring." A sly-toned voice that wasn't Annabelle's cut in. Arianne pouted and slumped, watching Adelaide cross straight through the room and into the kitchen, clad in a purple unicorn onesie. The fridge was heard opening, then closing before the unicorn reappeared in the doorway, iced coffee in hand. "In Ari's defense, though..." They looked from Ari to Anna, "It is pretty dreary around here."

"Well, yeah..." Annabel began, suddenly feeling put on the spot. "It's 'cause everything green is dead and it's always overcast. The two things that kind of define the aesthetic are gone." She began to play with her hair, leaning back in her chair. "That doesn't mean it's boring, though. There's still plenty going on."

"Like what?" Arianne asked, giving Annabel a dubious look.

"Like...um..." The redhead put a hand to her chin, looking down in thought for a moment. "....How about the mountains?" She suggested, but the expressions she got in response weren't very positive. "Nothing big, but, like..." She quickly amended, "Maybe we could go to Helen or something sometime the weekend?"

"...Helen?" The query came from both the unicorn and the bored zombie. Anna grinned and leaned forward, suddenly confident.

"It's a magical wonderland wedged just up in the mountains. It's like going through a portal to Bavaria." She explained with wonder, her eyes sparkling. "Quaint little houses and streets, delicious German food, funnel cakes, candlemaking, candy shops..."

"So, it's a tourist town." Adelaide drawled, giving the wide-eyed redhead a look that couldn't say anything but no. In response, Anna's expression seemed to fade to slightly disappointed.

"Well, yeah...Yeah it is, but...Delicious German food?" She tried once more because, let's face it, that was her favorite part about the entire idea. Adel's lack of response pretty much answered her plea, though.

"...Maybe a trip to a tourist town is what we need, Adel." Arianne spoke up, glancing between the other two. Adelaide turned their gaze to the bean bag zombie, expression unchanging. "I mean it." Ari straightened up, looking Adel in the eye. "Look, how long has it been since we *haven't* had a weird shared dream? Just as well, how long has it been since we've gone anywhere that wasn't classes or a show?" Adel shifted and let out a sigh before taking the next few moments to open their coffee and drink some of it.

"I thought the dreams weren't a problem?" They asked with a raised eyebrow and a hint of a smirk. Ari sighed and leaned her head to the side in response.

"They wern't, at least not two weeks ago. They've gotten more frequent and, frankly quite eerie." A wary glance was then shot in Anna's direction, who was already nodding in agreement, a lock of hair twirled around one finger. Adel looked between them for a long moment before turning to the doorway they originally emerged from and shuffling in that direction.

"All right. I guess I can stomach a tourist town for a day." They answered with a small smirk, stopping at the doorway. "But...Don't forget about exams. They are literally a month and a half away, after all." And with that, they continued shuffling away.

Ari and Anna looked at each other excitedly, waiting for any sign of Adel's presence to disappear. Once they did, the girls both let out a squeal of excitement.

© 2018 Aedriane

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JayG

You say this is a NaNo work, so I assume you're serious about writing. That being the case I thought you would want to know about some problems that jumped out at me. They're not a matter of good/bad writing, or talent, but they are things critical to the gap between getting a contract and a rejection.

Look at the opening as an acquiring editor would:

• "Ugh, winter is so boring here!" Was exclaimed as Arianne dramatically threw herself into the giant pink bean bag in the corner and laid in it limply.

1) in general, it's a bad idea to begin with dialog, because the reader, not knowing where they are, what's going on, or whose skin they wear, has no idea of how to read it. Learning who spoke the line AFTER she speaks, wha what he gender is, is going to come as a surprise to about 50% of your readers. Right?

From a reader's viewpoint, if the reader is to have context for the line, they need to know what motivated her to speak it, know where they are, and why it matters—to them. Think in terms of providing context for everything that happens, either before, or AS it happens, rather then confusing the reader, then clarifying.

2) It "Was exclaimed? The first word is unnecessary because we just read it, and the second is redundant given the exclamation mark has already told us it's an exclamation. Never forget that you have intent, and your knowledge of the backstory and characterization driving your understanding, as you read. The reader has only what the words to any given point suggest, based on their background, not your intent.

3. How in the pluperfect hells can one "dramatically THROW ones self onto a pillow? Try this: Place such a beanbag on the floor, then invite a friend to watch as you literally throw yourself onto it, then immediately lie there, limply. When the pain fades, and your friend stops laughing, you might want to rephrase. And when you do, keep in mind that the reader learns about what happens via the line, yes, but that is not even remotely the same as seeing it in person. Why? Because ALL the visual and auditory ambiance is missing. How is she dressed? Dunno. How old is she? Dunno. Where we in time and space? Dunno. Who is she? Not a clue. How can her act be meaningful to a reader if we don't have even those clues? And how can she be our protagonist—our avatar—if we're learning what she does from someone neither in the story nor on the scene? An external storyteller is inherently dispassionate on the page.

The short version: thinking cinematically, and telling the reader what they would have seen had they watched the film version, can't work. What matters to the reader is what matters to the protagonist. If we're not in her moment of "now," as her, you're telling the story in a voice that matches the one you will hear when you have your computer read this aloud (which I strongly recommend).

• It was her favorite thing to do when she was bored or irritated with something.

You HAVE to be kidding. Every time this person is bored she trots into that room and tosses herself onto the beanbag and lays there limply? Every time this person is irritated with something she trots into that room and tosses herself onto the beanbag and lays there limply? Umm...If I was an editor, and this was a submission...

Here's the problem in a nutshell: You're trying to transcribe yourself talking about what's happening in a scene you visualize, adding in editorial comments to clarify the meaning of what was done. And, you're doing it in a medium that cannot reproduce your performance. In other words, you're using the skills of verbal storytelling in a medium that can't reduce sound or visuals. They work in person, but they're inappropriate to this medium.

The good news is that pretty much half the manuscripts I looked at matched that formula, so you have LOTS of company. The problem is that in our schooldays we learn writing skills useful to future employers, not the professional skills of the working fiction-writer. They're very different from the nonfiction essay and report-writing skills our schooldays give us. And because those skills don't work for fiction, we fall back on the storytelling skills we use each time someone says, "So how was your weekend?" Unfortunately, because we can hear our own voice and visualize our performance as we read, we never notice that what we get is unrelated to what the reader does.

Happily, it's not a matter of talent or potential. What you need is the learned part of our profession, and you can learn those skills as easily as you did the nonfiction skills you now possess (or with as much difficulty, I suppose).

I won't kid you, though. It's not a simple, "Do this instead of that, and everything will be okay." It took us twelve years to master our nonfiction skills to the point where they feel intuitive. But they DO feel intuitive, so part of the problem you'll face is that those skills are going to shout, "What in the HELL are you doing?" every time you try to switch from fact-based to emotion-based prose. Often they'll take control, and since the result "looks good" to your current editing skills you'll be back where you started without realizing it. It's frustrating, discouraging, and a general pain in the a*s. But once you get past that, you'll wonder why you didn't see it for yourself.

So what next? Obviously, adding the specialized knowledge and tricks of the fiction-writer to your existing writing skills. For an overview of how much there is, you might dig into the writing articles in my blog, but they're not mean to teach writing. For that there are several choices:

If you're dead-serious about writing, pick up Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It's not an easy book. but then, easy and professional are two terms that don't go well together. And if you're meant to be a writer you'll find it intimidating but fun. It's an older book, one that talks about your typewriter, not your keyboard. And like so many teachers of his time, he thought serious writers would be male. But that aside is is the best book on the basics of creating scenes that sing to the reader that I've found.

Another, nearly as good, and newer, so it's more likely to be found in the local library's fiction-writing section, is, Scene and Structure, by Jack Bickham.

If you aren't quite that dedicated, Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, is a warm, easy read that's like sitting with Deb and talking about writing.

None of those books will make a pro of you. That's your task. But they will give you both the tools, and the knowledge of what they can do—plus a solid understanding of what makes them necessary, and usable.

Good news? Hell no. Something like this hurts. I know, I've been there. But here's the thing: Once you trade in the sturdy little workhorse we're issued in school for Pegasus, mounted on a flying beast, who knows how far you'll fly?
So whatever you do...hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 6 Years Ago

Look at the opening as an acquiring editor would:

• "Ugh, winter is so boring here!" Was exclaimed as Arianne dramatically threw herself into the giant pink bean bag in the corner and laid in it limply.

1) in general, it's a bad idea to begin with dialog, because the reader, not knowing where they are, what's going on, or whose skin they wear, has no idea of how to read it. Learning who spoke the line AFTER she speaks, wha what he gender is, is going to come as a surprise to about 50% of your readers. Right?

From a reader's viewpoint, if the reader is to have context for the line, they need to know what motivated her to speak it, know where they are, and why it matters—to them. Think in terms of providing context for everything that happens, either before, or AS it happens, rather then confusing the reader, then clarifying.

2) It "Was exclaimed? The first word is unnecessary because we just read it, and the second is redundant given the exclamation mark has already told us it's an exclamation.  Never forget that you have intent, and your knowledge of the backstory and characterization driving your understanding, as you read. The reader has only what the words to any given point suggest, based on their background, not your intent.

3. How in the pluperfect hells can one "dramatically THROW ones self onto a pillow? Try this: Place such a beanbag on the floor, then invite a friend to watch as you literally throw yourself onto it, then immediately lie there, limply. When the pain fades, and your friend stops laughing, you might want to rephrase. And when you do, keep in mind that the reader learns about what happens via the line, yes, but that is not even remotely the same as seeing it in person. Why? Because ALL the visual and auditory ambiance is missing. How is she dressed? Dunno. How old is she? Dunno. Where we in time and space? Dunno. Who is she? Not a clue. How can her act be meaningful to a reader if we don't have even those clues? And how can she be our protagonist—our avatar—if we're learning what she does from someone neither in the story nor on the scene? An external storyteller is inherently dispassionate on the page.

The short version: thinking cinematically, and telling the reader what they would have seen had they watched the film version, can't work. What matters to the reader is what matters to the protagonist. If we're not in her moment of "now," as her, you're telling the story in a voice that matches the one you will hear when you have your computer read this aloud (which I strongly recommend).

• It was her favorite thing to do when she was bored or irritated with something.

You HAVE to be kidding. Every time this person is bored she trots into that room and tosses herself onto the beanbag and lays there limply?  Every time this person is irritated with something she trots into that room and tosses herself onto the beanbag and lays there limply? Umm...If I was an editor, and this  was a submission...

Here's the problem in a nutshell: You're trying to transcribe yourself talking about what's happening in a scene you visualize, adding in editorial comments to clarify the meaning of what was done. And, you're doing it in a medium that cannot reproduce your performance. In other words, you're using the skills of verbal storytelling in a medium that can't reduce sound or visuals. They work in person, but they're inappropriate to this medium.

The good news is that pretty much half the manuscripts I looked at matched that formula, so you have LOTS of company. The problem is that in our schooldays we learn writing skills useful to future employers, not the professional skills of the working fiction-writer. They're very different from the nonfiction essay and report-writing skills our schooldays give us. And because those skills don't work for fiction, we fall back on the storytelling skills we use each time someone says, "So how was your weekend?" Unfortunately, because we can hear our own voice and visualize our performance as we read, we never notice that what we get is unrelated to what the reader does.

Happily, it's not a matter of talent or potential. What you need is the learned part of our profession, and you can learn those skills as easily as you did the nonfiction skills you now possess (or with as much difficulty, I suppose).

I won't kid you, though. It's not a simple, "Do this instead of that, and everything will be okay." It took us twelve years to master our nonfiction skills to the point where they feel intuitive. But they DO feel intuitive, so part of the problem you'll face is that those skills are going to shout, "What in the HELL are you doing?"  every time you try to switch from fact-based to emotion-based prose. Often they'll take control, and since the result "looks good" to your current editing skills you'll be back where you started without realizing it. It's frustrating, discouraging, and a general pain in the ass. But once you get past that, you'll wonder why you didn't see it for yourself.

So what next? Obviously, adding the specialized knowledge and tricks of the fiction-writer to your existing writing skills. For an overview of how much there is, you might dig into the writing articles in my blog, but they're not mean to teach writing. For that there are several choices:

If you're dead-serious about writing, pick up Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It's not an easy book. but then, easy and professional are two terms that don't go well together. And if you're meant to be a writer you'll find it intimidating but fun. It's an older book, one that talks about your typewriter, not your keyboard. And like so many teachers of his time, he thought serious writers would be male. But that aside is is the best book on the basics of creating scenes that sing to the reader that I've found.

Another, nearly as good, and newer, so it's more likely to be found in the local library's fiction-writing section, is, Scene and Structure, by Jack Bickham.

If you aren't quite that dedicated, Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, is a warm, easy read that's like sitting with Deb and talking about writing.

None of those books will make a pro of you. That's your task. But they will give you both the tools, and the knowledge of what they can do—plus a solid understanding of what makes them necessary, and usable.

Good news? Hell no. Something like this hurts. I know, I've been there. But here's the thing: Once you trade in the sturdy little workhorse we're issued in school for Pegasus, mounted on a flying beast, who knows how far you'll fly?
So whatever you do...hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

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1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

Wow. I'm not very good at replying to any sort of review or critique with more than a simple "Thank .. read more

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