Skin Tone

My friend, the debator, and I wrote this last night. The parts in blue were written by me and the black parts written by him it is our first collaboration it i like it! Tell me what you think.

People thought I was a rapper

but its simple

I'm just a laugher

Laughing at you suckers 

Eatin you haters like smuckers

All y'all say I could be blacker

Stuck on the fact

But your the slacker

Disgrace to your race

You need to pick up the pace

Everything you could

Could never be nothing great

Thinkin your second rate

Knowin those pricks don't appreciate

But you've got the brains

Grab hold of the reins

Ridin to the top of the food chain

Using the words you know to bring pain

Aint it a shame

Passin it to some lame brains

Truth be told

Your all the same

Skin tone is whats to blame

But I've never supported the claim

Believin their excuses 

Are nothing less than insane

Reviews

[ron]

I hate it when someone used race as a means of judging. Its who we are inside that makes the world see the real us...ok so maybe not all the time. I like this poem full of energy.

[TurtleClark]

I agree I've always been judged for my race even though i never really fit into the stereotype. I try to just be the person that my mom would be proud of not someone everyone would like those who are truly your friends will come.

[ron]

I hate when people make a judgment about some one for what they look like on the out side. It's the person on the inside not the out side that makes them who they are.

[Zoya]

:)

[Leslie Philibert]

a rap, a poetry slam, cool, fast, clever, and I love the energy - a winner !

[RachelReaper]

I've been wanting to do a collaboration poem with a couple people, reading this encouraged me even more so to do one.

[TurtleClark]

Do it!

[RachelReaper]

I will :)

[Rogue]

No offense to your friend, but the black lines do not quite flow as well as the blue. Also, they seem a little forced, whereas the blue do not. I did laugh at the line about Smuckers though. :)

I think the concept is good, and as stated.. Blue line flow is very good. There is no clear definition of who "you" or "your" are in this. A bit important because your reader (or listener) may feel you are secretly laughing at or making fun of them.

An example of the way this is done and antagonists clearly identified: (explicit language)

Dre - Went through friends, some of them I put on
But they just left, they said they was riding to the death
But where the f**k are they now, now that I need them
I don't see none of them, all I see is Slim
F**k all you fair-weather friends, all I need is him

F*****g backstabbers
When the chips were down, you just laughed at us
Now you 'bout to feel the f*****g wrath of aftermath, fagots
You gon' see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the f**k we been?
You can kiss my indecisive a*s crack, maggots, and the cracker's a*s

Little crackerjack beat, making wack mass
Backwards producers, I'm back b******s
One more CD and then I'm packing up my bags and as I'm leaving
I'll guarantee they scream, Dre don't leave us like that man 'cause

On WC, The Elusive Mr. Dunne also has many examples as well.


I think collaborations are a fun and creative thing.. If you are the voice of blue, than you are the voice that clearly speaks in this piece. Great job on that! :)

[TurtleClark]

I understand what you mean by make who i'm talking to more obvious. But writing this I was more pointed at the people who tend to mock me for not acting "the color of my skin" not at any readers.

[Rogue]

I can understand that. Those reading may want to a little more to hang their hat on.. So to speak.
I hope I didn't offend. It was not my intention.

[Mr Dunne Poetry]

Thanks for the mention Rogue :)

[TurtleClark]

no you didn't offend and i appreciate the input thank you