Red Rain

The sky opens itself
As the blade is dragged across her skin
She hurts so bad.
But that red rain is washing it all away
Its too late for anyone to find her now,
Shes taking control of whats been lost,
Leaves a note so as not to be forgetten.
She lifts her face up
Mouth wide open to catch the drops
Tasting the metallic sweetness
That drips from her wrist
Swallowing it all,
She drowns in the blood.
With a smile on her face.

 

Author's Note

ive never really written about suicide in such a straight forward fashion.. its different for me.

is the word 'she' used too much?

Reviews

[Arthur Crow]

Darkly beautiful... there are some amazing lines in this piece that delight the senses with mystical scarlet and deep anguish. Quite a good write!

[M. Amphet Salt]

No she isn't used to much. You are asking for the reader's sympathy and you need to include such words as "she" to overly get the point over that this is a human being asking for help.

A few notes on style.

remove the ... this indicates someone who is talking going on and on, so to speak. It would work better at the end. As well remove all the periods. Periods in poetry are iffy. I good rule is if you are telling a (long) narrative with different view points there ok. Good write and even with all the she's I can relate.

[Legion]

It is indeed a dark piece. As for the word "she", yes it is used a bit too much. You can correct that by changing a few lines up. An example is:

"Lifting her face up with mouth open wide to catch the drops" instead of "She lifts her face up..."

Other than that, it is well done. I found it disturbing and could fell the way the character fells. Kudos.