Inside The Void

i lay awake upon my cold stiff bed blasting music i'd like to think i know the words to but truly i don't i look at the time it's midnight i whisper under my tired breathe "finally" i feel as though i'm asleep but really i am more awake then i have ever been feeling the bitter bite of jack frost all over my body yet i'm under blankets is my body what is cold or is it my soul or could it be what i have yet to speak out to my friends my family that i have a void within me a void that can only be filled by exposing my true nature i just wish it were as easy to do as to how easy it is just to lay here freezing but me and this void it's just till death do us part but whom will go first in this ever lasting stalemate this void is nothing complicated it's only but who i am im at war with my own self self harm not on the physical aspect but the mental asking questions like why am i like this? Am i supposed to be like this? Why can't i tell people i'm hurting that i'm last within my own self the map i have to help me get out has been covered in pills and therapy but what good does that do? Why can't i just say it scream it out loud in the middle of class in the middle of a busy street but when i do i choke and fall back in the void consuming bits of me self esteem self loving motivation pride gone all that's left is the grain left in my mouth from the beach where i tried to drown my own self because my self loathing grew ten fold but that's the past now i've grown stronger i built myself back up again but i still haven't came out with myself there's still one last demon to fend off and it's that i'm not only bisexual but transgender and when i say the words to myself pretending i'm talking to my parents a tear drops with all my ambitions in it dropping down to the floor to be lost forever the trail of tears had a part two it was me going down the steps that night keeping that weak upper lip stead and the tears back as i slowly crumble inside due to the pressure of stress i speak and they accept and i fall asleep on that cold stiff bed not able to hear the lyrics to the songs because i fell asleep finally and this time i hope to wake up