Echoes of the dead

A soldier haunted by the past struggles to keep his sanity.

Echoes of the dead

Vaerlan woke slowly; sleep had eluded him yet again like it had done for the last five years. He ran a hand through his long, unkempt greasy hair. His heart pounded furiously within his chest. He’d been dreaming of that cursed place again… The feint sound of hushed breaths drew Vaerlan’s gaze to the prone body, sleeping fitfully beneath the sheets beside him. Moon light from the skylights above bore down on her, illuminating her in its pale glow.

Vaerlan watched her sleep, every rise and fall of her chest a living testament that there was still a beacon of light in a world enveloped by darkness. He reached over with his augmetic hand but stopped short of her, in fear that his touch would somehow break her. His eyes washed over her sleek petite body, he longed to be with her… But how could a creature of such beauty and compassion deserve a marred monster such as himself.

He winced as the augmetic eye implant in his left eye socket began to play up; it was old, barely functioning even. He was lucky to have even got a replacement for his eye, after the war there wasn’t nearly enough for the tide of injured personnel that had flooded the medical tents. He gritted his teeth as the pain intensified. He struck the implant sharply; there was a loud click as the optical lenses aligned inside. Vaerlan waited as his vision cleared, he stood up from the bed, careful not to make any sound. He surveyed the room, his augmetic eye easily penetrating the veil of darkness that blanketed it. He searched the room until he found what he was looking for.

Propped up against the far wall next to a large mirror was a curved object. Vaerlan crept over to it, as he reached down he found himself staring in to a face he no longer recognised. The cold hollow eyes of his reflection stared back, its face thin and bony. Vaerlan rubbed the untidy beard that had grown along his jaw line, his reflection mirroring his movement .The hairs felt coarse and rough. His skin leathery to the touch, felt stretched and old.

He reached down and picked up the sabre that rested against the wall, Vaerlan inhaled deeply as he slowly drew the blade from its scabbard. The blade making a quiet rasping sound as it slid out. The blades edge glinted as it caught the moonlight .Vaerlan held the blade aloft and tightened his grip around the black leather hilt. He felt a surge of emotion as a surge of repressed memories surfaced from the depths of his mind. They threatened to wash over him as he inspected the blade. Vaerlan pressed the blades tip in to his hand; he winced as the blade bit in to his flesh. Pain was the only thing that had remained constant. Whether it had been physical or psychological.

 Vaerlan took his hand away and look at the deep cut in his palm. You deserved to die that day echoed a voice in his head; Vaerlan felt a cold shiver run down his spine. He felt his hands tremble, the sabre shaking as he gripped the hilt tighter until his knuckles had turned white.

“I’m sorry” he murmured as memories flashed through his mind. Their deaths were your fault screamed the voice inside his head. Vaerlan screwed his eyes shut, trying to blank out the sound. “I’m sorry” he cried out as the voices intensified, he slammed the pommel of his sabre in to the mirror, shattering it anddropping his sabre in the process. Shards of glass exploded across Vaerlan, cutting open his exposed chest and face. Vaerlan collapsed to his knees.

 He looked down at the scattered fragments of glass. The eyes of his reflection peered back at him with disgust.

Then his ghost appeared… Stood five feet away the man towered over Vaerlan. He wore black flak armour, the body armour barely fitting his around his large frame. He had thick muscular arms that were adorned with numerous tribal tattoos, each one depicting the many victories his regiment boasted. His narrow beady eyes glared down at Vaerlan bitterly. Vaerlan forced himself to look up at his face; he felt a torrent of tears coat his cheeks as he witnessed his friends mangled face. Large strips of flesh and bone had been torn off leaving the man’s skull loosely intact. The right side of his face was charred black, the flesh long burned away. His eyes gazed down at him with a mixture of disappointment and anger. Scar tissue coated the side of his head, replacing the hair and skin that had been burned away.

Vaerlan cried out in agony as the painful memories replayed through his mind, “stop, please” he wailed desperately.  “I’m sorry” he cried, desperately trying to hold on to his sanity. He hung his head as he felt the cold dead eyes of his friend bear down upon him. Vaerlan slumped back; he felt sweat trickle down his forehead as his body shook. He gazed up at the skylight above in to the vast expanse of space beyond. Somewhere out there he had found his destiny…But it had found him wanting. “I am so sorry my brothers” he murmured pitifully.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to get you home”…

He watched silently as the stars shimmered in and out like far away torches. Vaerlan felt a soft hand caress his cheek, instinctively he turned away. The hand turned his head, he found himself staring in to a pair of sapphire coloured eyes. They looked down at him with pity, he could see the tears welling behind them but he knew she was holding them back for his sake.

Elynor looked down at her husband, she tried to touch him but he just pulled away. It was a constant battle to hold back the tide of anger and frustration that had built up over the years. She hated seeing him like this. So vulnerable and afraid. Vaerlan was only the shell of the man she had married before the war.

 Gone was the charming, passionate man that she had come to love. Instead he had been replaced by a traumatised recluse who eschewed from any kind of contact from her. They had grown further and further apart ever since he had limped home that day five years ago. Hollow faced with the cold dead look of a man who had seen too much. She had rushed out to greet him throwing her arms around him. He had just stood there as if in a daze, his eyes glazed over, his face expressionless.  But that’s what the war had done. She had seen the strongest of men cry out in fear and wail for their mothers as they saw their own ends approach them. In some ways it had left its mark on them all…

She bent over and placed a kiss on Vaerlan’s forehead, the action seemed to calm him. She kneeled down in front of him and embraced him despite his reluctance. He was too exhausted to resist further, he buried his face in to her shoulder. “I’m sorry” she heard him whisper. It wasn’t aimed at her. A tear rolled down her cheek, those damned hallucinations had tormented him ever since he had returned home.

It had been five long years since the war had ended, it had plunged the entire Kravos sub sector in to the fires of war. Brutal fighting had broken out amongst the populace in the hive cities on the three largest planets in the subsector. The revolts were instigated by a man known as the dark apostle. Elynor shuddered as she remembered the reports that had been broadcast by the rebels. Cities burning. Civilians butchered. They were the daily occurrences in this man’s purgation of heathens in his so called holy crusade.

Elynor ran her hand across the patchwork of scar tissue that made up Vaerlan’s chest. Her fingers slowly feeling the lines and ridges of the scores of knife and shrapnel wounds; that had been etched on his flesh, after years of fighting. She leaned in close to his ear. “Phoenix, come back to me” she whispered. Vaerlan fixed his eyes upon her. His old nickname stirring something within his soul.

“Tell me how it happened” Elynor begged. Vaerlan turned away from her. Her heart ached but she had to remain strong. For him… “Let me help you Vaerlan, you are my husband. Let me guide you; help you overcome the horrors that haunt you”. She kissed him again this time on the lips. . I will not see the last phoenix fall”. Vaerlan closed his eyes enjoying the moment; this was the most physical contact they’d had in years. Vaerlan nodded solemnly, he took a deep breath and let out a sigh. “It hurts he mumbled, his voice raspy and hoarse. 

The memories, they won’t let me be” he said his voice choking up. Elynor squeezed his hand comfortingly.“I was Captain Vaerlan phoenix Holt, I commanded the 101st Phoenicans first company”. Vaerlan looked over Elynor’s shoulder at the darkness half expecting to see the faces of his dead comrades. “Rourke, Torlin, Marlo and Cassius. All part of my command squad”. He stopped as their faces flashed through his mind. Vaerlan lowered his gaze as Rourke eyed him across the room, his eyes eternally judging.  Elynor could feel Vaerlan trembling, she held him closer.

“Do you still see their faces” Elynor whispered, Vaerlan nodded and pointed towards the end of the room. Elynor turned knowing she wouldn’t see anyone. “Who is it” Elynor asked in a soft voice as Vaerlan held her for support. Vaerlan held her tighter pressing himself up against her, “Rourke, it’s always Rourke”. Elynor sighed, she had feared this; “Rourke was your blood brother wasn’t he” said Elynor in a low voice. She looked out at the stars above, what kind of horrors could Vaerlan have faced to turn him like this?

“What happened” whispered Elynor remembering her own experiences in the medical tents as a nurse during the final years of a conflict.  The faces of the wounded still haunted her but her own fears paled in comparison. Vaerlan sat back and stared down at his augmetic hand, he flexed the fingers before clenching them in to a fist. “We were deployed at the battle of Koth spire on Kravos Secundus. We were to act as a vanguard force and secure the outer walls while the men on the ground battled their way through the streets below”. Vaerlan gulped, his breathing slowed as he continued. 

“We were being dropped in by Valkyrie gunships behind enemy lines, we to insert via grav chute insertion”.Vaerlan looked at the sad features of his wife; her eyes had dark bags underneath them, her long blonde hair un-brushed and un-washed. Her face was thin and frail. He stroked her cheek with his augmetic hand, she nestled her cheek in to it .What have I done to you he thought to himself. Another person he had failed. Another sin against his soul… 

When he had returned, she had begged him to be with her. She had called out for him but her kind words had fallen on deaf ears. He had withdrawn himself from reality completely. Disconnecting himself from any and all people around him; In turn he had just hurt the people he cared about the most. “I still remember the oily smell of the burning promethium. The smell of roasting flesh as the city was turned in to a raging inferno”. Vaerlan bit his lips, he forced himself to continue. “The heat was un-bearable; it was if the whole world was on fire. We were jumping in to hell and we knew it”.

“I can’t do this, not again” he cried out. Elynor could see Vaerlan was struggling to hold on to his already damaged psyche. His mind had been abused by the vilest horrors the galaxy had to throw at him. He had fought across the stars in the imperial guard only to find the true enemy here on his home planet. Elynor felt a rush of fresh tears coat her cheeks, Elynor longed to stop her husband’s torment. But his guilt was destroying him. She held his hand, “you made me a promise once. Do you remember what you swore to me the day we were betrothed”?

Vaerlan hung his head unable to meet her gaze, “I promised that I would return to you after the war” he muttered shamefully. Elynor sighed; she brushed back his long hair with her hand. “The truth is you never came home. You’re still out there amongst the ruins of that cursed city”. Elynor pulled away unable to hold back the tears any longer. She sobbed in to her hands finally relenting to the feeling of helplessness that hung over her. She had tried so hard to help, to be useful. Vaerlan watched as she cried, her tears falling like raindrops from the pools of her eyes. Her words cut deeper than knife for he knew they were true. Somewhere out there he had lost his soul and his humanity along with it.

He longed to be with her, to hold her in his arms. To tell her things were going to be ok but he wouldn’t lie to her. He was already damned… Vaerlan looked across the room; Rourke stared back at him his face twisted in a mask of contempt and pity. “I’m sorry my old friend whispered Vaerlan, “I know I let you down but I think it’s time I let go”. Rourke glared at him, anger burning within his eyes.   Vaerlan reached out tentatively and held Elynor’s face in his hands; he rested his forehead against hers. “You’ve been there for me ever since I returned home. 

I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to banish my demons”. He kissed her softly on the forehead.“I’m sorry for what I am” said Vaerlan looking down at his augmetic hand; he curled it in to a fist. “I’m a monster. I know I don’t deserve to be alive”. Vaerlan slammed his augmetic fist angrily in to the floor; the hand froze as the inner mechanisms jarred inside. Elynor watched him pitifully. He blamed himself for the death of his comrades; she reached out and interlocked her fingers around his augmetic replacements. “You should be proud” she said softly, this doesn’t represent weakness. It should remind you of how you fought for your people alongside your brothers”. Vaerlan looked up at her, Elynor smiled reassuringly.

“You wanted to know what happened that day at Koth spire” said Vaerlan a dark tone entering his voice. Elynor nodded. As we flew over the city we came under fire from anti air batteries. I was forced to watch half the company burn inside their transports. There was never supposed to be any resistance” muttered Vaerlan. “High command had bombarded the city for nine days; we thought we’d crushed the rebels”. Vaerlan gritted his teeth as the screams of burning men filled his mind. “Men burned alive inside their harnesses. We lost over two hundred men in the initial assault, who knows about the men on the ground” said Vaerlan darkly.

“We fought tooth and nail through those death filled streets, each and every alleyway turning in to a bloody fire fight. The dead littered the streets, turning them red with blood”. Vaerlan took a deep breath, he could remember it all. The loud boom of distant artillery, the screams of the wounded, and the crackle of lasguns each and every memory as vivid as the day he witnessed them. “There were civilians too, caught up amongst the zealots; families just trying to escape the violence” Vaerlan said his voice wavering. “Our orders were to shoot on site… Vaerlan stopped too afraid to continue, his shame bearing down on him like an anchor. Elynor rested her head against his; “High command deemed them tainted” sobbed Vaerlan as his guilt surfaced.

Elynor could see the pain etched across Vaerlan’s face, he might not have understood those orders but she most definitely did. She had her own demons, her own nightmares. Her years spent in the medical units in the hive cities had shown her that even ordinary people were capable of becoming monsters. Many in the medical corps had been driven to suicide or worse. Some just nervous wrecks others just numb and lifeless. The war was not only fought by the soldiers on the frontline but also the men and women supporting it. The wounded had flooded in, most civilians maimed or killed.  Attacked by the zealots who were swept up in a religious fervour. Even the zealots had been people once…

“Sometimes good men must do evil deeds to preserve all that they believe in to be right” Elynor whispered quietly. She squeezed Vaerlan’s hand, his augmetic eye focused on her, its red optical lenses whirring loudly as they focused on her .Elynor could feel Vaerlan’s body shaking, she pulled him closer but he resisted. “Torlin was the first to go, disembowelled by an enemy bayonet” Vaerlan said shakily. “I sometimes see his face. I watched death tighten his cold hands around him; he cried out for his mother as he lay dying”. Vaerlan looked down at the ground, “I watched as his lifeblood pumped out of him on to the blackened streets. I put him down myself, a shot straight through the heart”.

Elynor let out a sigh, “I’m so sorry” she muttered, Vaerlan ignored her and carried on. “He had a family back home. His wife was pregnant with their first child”. Vaerlan clenched his fists angrily, a tear rolled down his cheek; “I promised him that I’d get him back to his family. That I’d get him home… I promised all of them” said Vaerlan through gritted teeth. Elynor rubbed his hand, “that you did, but we knew the cost of this war would be high. You don’t get to decide who lives and who dies. It wasn’t your fault” said Elynor softly. She reached out to touch him but he pulled away. Vaerlan stood up, his fists clenched. “Their deaths were my fault, mine alone. We should’ve regrouped with the rest of the regiment after we captured the outer wall”.

Vaerlan took hold of his sabre, he gripped it tightly, he looked along the blade and silently read the honorary markings marked on the sword. “It was my decision, my order to go after that b*****d. I chose to push on ahead straight in to the heart of the madness alone. I found that smug b*****d, the so called dark apostle. Elynor let out a gasp as contemplated her husband’s words. “You actually saw him”; Vaerlan turned to her, anger and guilt written equally across his face. “He was waiting for us in a courtyard not far from the entrance to the spire”.

Elynor go to her knees, “what did he look like”, she immediately cursed herself for asking such an inappropriate question but she was curious about the man who had cost the lives of so many. Vaerlan body stiffened, “he was a monster.   His face was shrouded by a dark hood. He was tall though abnormally skinny” said Vaerlan surprising her with his answer. “It was like staring at death himself, I could feel his cold judging eyes watch me” said Vaerlan bitterly.

“He was flanked by three armed guards, all were well armed, they all wore carapace armour”. Elynor gasped, carapace armour was only worn by the elite of the imperial guard forces. “Are you saying they were turncoats”? Vaerlan’s grip tightened around the hilt, he nodded sombrely.  He hissed as the wound in his hand began to bleed again. Suddenly Vaerlan whirled round, the anger on his face replaced by fear. I had my gun pointed at him, but I froze”. Vaerlan cried out and threw his sabre across the room; it clattered nosily to the floor. “I looked him straight in his cold black eyes, I wanted to pull the trigger but I couldn’t do it” “I was afraid Elynor!  He fell to his knees Elynor rushed in and embraced him, his head against her chest.

 “You are only a man; all men have their limits, even you”. Vaerlan looked up at her, he was shaking badly now. “That’s when the fight broke out , Cassius and Marlo was brought down by a hail of fire from their auto weapons said Vaerlan his voice becoming weak and quiet. “ Our weapons did nothing but scratch their battle plate” he sobbed.

Elynor felt his breathing becoming more and more erratic, he was sweating profusely as he relieved his trauma.   Rourke and I engaged them together my sabre and his chainsword clashing against their powered swords and axes”.  Vaerlan reached to his chest where he felt a large diagonal ridge of scar tissue across his abdomen when he’d been wounded by one of the guardsmen’s blade. “We duelled for what felt like an eternity before I killed mine with a thrust to the groin”. Vaerlan’s shoulders sagged; he rested his head against Elynor. “Rourke killed his next, splitting the man from naval to sternum”.

Elynor stroked the back of Vaerlan’s head; she closed her eyes as she listened to him. “We knew we were outmatched as soon as we attacked him, the dark apostle was so fast. He had looked so frail and weak but he had an uncanny strength, reflexes that defied a human.  I can still remember the feeling of his blade as it sliced through my arm and the bone beneath. I didn’t even see it! He threw me aside as if I was a ragdoll”. Elynor reached down and touched the augmetic replacement. She had seen similar injuries throughout the course of the war but to experience it…

 “Rourke landed beside me, I could see he only had minutes left; he was bleeding badly from a gash in his stomach”. Vaerlan looked in to Elynor’s eyes, “the Apostle came to finish us, and he knew he had bested us. I am sure I saw his face grin as he approached to deliver the deathblow”.

Elynor watched Vaerlan with tears in her eyes already knowing what Vaerlan would say next. “Rourke looked at me and nodded, I didn’t realise that would be our farewell. Before he threw himself at the Apostle; he detonated the grenade as they came together”…   Vaerlan cried out as the memory of his friends last moment overwhelmed him. He finally succumbed to his guilt. Vaerlan pulled himself away from Elynor’s embrace. “It should’ve been me” he wailed repeatedly, he clawed at his face smearing the blood on his palm across his cheeks.

“His last wishes were for me to return to the land of our childhood. How could I face them back home?  How could I tell them what really happened on that day? He was the true hero” Vaerlan cried out.  Vaerlan collapsed to the floor, Elynor rushed to his side. “Yet I was the one to receive the praise, I got the medals. I was allowed to return home. I’m no hero” Vaerlan croaked as he stared up at her. “I should’ve died out there instead of my brothers. They died because of me… Why didn’t you punish me” he shouted at the heavens. Vaerlan laid back, all his energy spent. Elynor stood up and retrieved the sabre from across the room. She kneeled down beside Vaerlan and helped him to his knees, the sabre resting on her lap. “I love you she whispered softly in to his ear. Vaerlan looked up in to her eyes.

 “ We will fight this together you and I. I will guide you through the darkness”said Elynor asense of determination edging its way in to her voice. She reached over and placed the sabre in Vaerlan’s hands. “Thank you” he whispered softly.  They embraced each other , both enjoying just being there for one another. Elynor looked Vaerlan in the eye, “I will never leave your side, I will always be with you. You are the last phoenix and I will see you rise from the ashes"…