Choice

A Story by Suavis_Umbra

It is simply a choice, a bad choice ,a good choice or no choice at all. Your call

The wind is whistling in my ears, whispering. The stars are like arrows channelled directly to my eyes and for a second I’m the centre of the universe. The moon is so serene and calm and acts as a reflection of how I should feel. The moon does not have its own light and yet it organically relies on the sun to have light. It absorbs, steals, channels it through itself and that is why it is so wonderful and yet so deceptive. I look him in the eyes; I can’t see anything, all I see is a hood with darkness inside of him, clichéd I know. It’s like my mind is telling me I am not allowed to see his face or maybe it’s the vodka. I feel so fucked. So fucked that everything else is totally normal and I am fucked up. It’s like a symphony of deceit, it starts slowly and then at the crescendo it hits you with all of its might. It catches your breath. It steals it. I try to look at the hood, I try to look through the darkness and in a flash of a second I am down. I blinked I was standing. I blinked I am now on the floor, I can feel the cold concrete against my cheeks and can hear the drumming sound of the man’s steps fade away and soon it disappears- just like a symphony. A harmony of stars- to appear insightful.

Ten seconds pass, twenty seconds pass and I can feel the alcohol in my blood circulating through my heart into my brain, lungs and liver. The liver is one of the most unique organs, you harm it with alcohol or anything else and it regenerates. It becomes as good as new. If I could harm myself to bring change, but that cannot happen. Thirty seconds pass, forty seconds pass and I blink a few times, I blink in a manner to tell my brain that I have just been robbed. It is my own personal Morse code. I stand up, slowly check my pockets, my bag. My passport, my phone all gone, everything that allowed me to connect to society is gone. I am a nobody , I do not exist to no one and am merely a shadow of what I could have been. This is not new to me. It was the same as before and I can feel the metallic blood in my mouth. I swallow and get to sense the idea of why cannibalistic tribes do what they do. I can feel the blood in my jugular go and for a second just a mere second I feel like a vampire. I am no vampire, I am mere pitiful human, one who has been robbed that is safe to say I assume.

I want to go home. Home... home to my abusive mother or her drunken boyfriend. I have been robbed, I am a nobody. I am nothing to no one. I knew this even before but it is now that I realize. I look for the second time at the stars and I see a comet shoot across the dark bolt like a painters flare over a canvas. I wonder where comets are headed to. I will not go back home. Maybe I will. I check my pockets again just to make sure; I drop my bag on the floor. Today was supposed to be a normal day , I go home , do some maths... Pretend like my mother doesn’t have an unusual stock of ‘medicine’ pretend like nothing is real and that all is deceitful. If this is true then I am a moon. I am most likely the biggest motherfucking moon in the whole galaxy. I want to see god, I want to point at him and tell him how much of a failure he is to bring me in this life. There is no god , all of this is the alcohol in my blood. I am not drunk, I haven’t been robbed. I am sleeping in my bed and this is all a bad dream. I can feel the warmth of my throat for some reason. I am sleeping... yes I am sleeping. I walk and I keep walking like it would be normal to in any dream.

You walk, fall or do any sort of activity which hopefully by some means will be a sexual interaction of you with me. So if you take what I said to the word and the fact that I am now telling you I am straight automatically or mechanically suggests itself through what you are reading now that you are a female being. I hope you are... because if you aren’t this confession is going to be wrong on so many different levels.

I keep on walking, I can feel the warmth and I realize that it’s not the vodka but it’s my bed being so warm or maybe I just pissed my pants. It’s funny when you piss your pants it feels all warm but when you wake up the piss magically becomes ice cold and all that cosiness has been pushed away by disgust. I walk on. I see the light, it is coming towards me I can feel its ear deafening ring. I can see the light... I am ready to see God, Buddha, Allah, you name it but what I am actually curious is if they are ready for me. The light is gone now.

And so am I.