Why did I end up falling for you?

Wow! My first DBSK songfic! It was started in the summer, but I never got around to finishing it. Hope you like it!

Why did I end up falling for you?

 

“A real sacrifice is when you give up the one you love in return for their happiness” ~Anonymous

 

Today, the day that holds a special meaning…

The sound of muffled sniffs and tears quietly fills my head. Broken out of my trance, I gaze up. A warm spring breeze wafts around me, bringing the sweet scent of blooming flowers. My eyes widen as I see her there. The word “beautiful” first comes to mind as I watch those gentle features break into a smile of true bliss. 

The day that you stand with a smile of happiness.

Then my eyes travel to the man standing beside her. My best friend. My heart tightens a little as if someone is clutching it with cold hands. The person beside her, could it have been me?

With the person next to you who isn't me…

Sitting in the middle row, there is a good distance that separates us. Yet I can clearly sense her excitement. Right now, no one else, nothing else, matters. In this open-air courtyard, it’s just us. Even if it is only a moment, it seems to last a long time. Then, breaking the spell, the elderly priest begins to speak.

The image of you receiving blessings,

Looking away, my heart aches more than any words can express. My throat constricts so tightly I can barely breathe. A single tear slips unnoticed down my cheek.

How can I just stay here and watch?

 

From the first day that I met you,

“Hiro,” my friend had said, a pleasant grin on his face. “I would like to introduce you to my friend Akane…” Whatever he said after that, I couldn’t remember. All I was aware of was her and me in this room together, at this place. It was like time stopped as she smiled at me for that first time.

I felt like I knew you.

Suddenly, we were alone together, only us. At first there was awkward silence. I never knew a silence as long and self-conscious as that time. I watched her and she watched me. Then, for reasons I didn’t understand, she began to laugh. What a gentle sound it was. I couldn’t help but smile as well.

The two of us melted together so naturally.

Thursday nights became the time for the three of us to hang out. Her, him, and me. Often, he would complain that we were leaving him out. Sometimes I wished that it was only us two. Just us. In this large world.

Wherever we would go, we would always be together… It was so natural for you to be with me.

No matter how much time had passed,

Just like that, autumn passed, followed by chilling winter. Then breezy spring and scorching summer. Through it all, we were together, side by side. Was there even a need for words?

I thought that you would always be here.

I would hold her hand, marveling in the warmth that she passed to me. She would gaze up at me and smile so sweetly. I believed that I would always be with her, not knowing that the feelings I had for her were not the same as hers for me.

But you chose a different path.

 

As I sit here, the priest’s incoherent words drifting through my head, I wonder, “Why wasn't I able to convey them to you? The feelings that were growing everyday and night…the unspoken words that began to overflow…” But I already knew the answer. Three simple words. I was afraid. Afraid to say eight little letters…

 

“Akane?”

Her brown-black eyes met and locked intently onto mine. A smile danced upon her gentle lips. Unhurriedly, I lifted my hand to take hers like I always did. I raised my eyes to meet hers like I always did. But this time, for the first time, I drew my hand away. Because I saw something behind those eyes that made me shiver unconsciously.

Why wasn't I able to take your hand?

She tilted her head questioningly. I opened my mouth and, just then, he came. Helplessly, I watched them chatter merrily together. He took her hand and attempted to lead her away. She remembered me and turned back to me.

“Hiro? What did you want to say?”

Suddenly, the words that were so close to being born just vanished. “Um…nothing,” I muttered, turning away.

“Oh, I see,” she said, voice painted with disappointment. My heart screamed at my cowardice, weakness, fear. Three words, it cried, three words were all I needed.

“It’s ok,” I tried to reassure myself. Her figure starts to disappear as she got farther away from me. “I can still tell her…I have time…”

But I know they won't reach you now

 

Side by side, they take all the oaths until the final one.

“Do you, Ueda Mamoru, take Sasaki Akane to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” he says surely. I try to find the heart to hate him, but we have gone through too much for our life-long friendship to die with two words.

“And do you, Sasaki Akane, take Ueda Mamoru to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

There is a slight pause. She glances at me with those proud brown-black eyes, almost unnoticeable. But I see and return the gaze. The birds of emotions scatter around me behind my calm face and muffle all thought. I try hard to cage them again. There she stands there with eyes that conveyed more feeling that she can find words for.

No matter how much time will pass,

Never before have I felt such utter helplessness. She is so close to me yet is worlds away. Meeting her eyes, I am surprised to find sorrow that lay deep inside her murky depths. I feel like I was gazing into a mirror.

But, I have to break the bond. I turn away and close my eyes in hopes to also close, to protect my heart. This silence was unbearable.

“I do,” she replies. I flinch so noticeably that my sister beside me rests her hand on my arm. But I cannot feel it because despair fills all senses as the newlyweds shared their first kiss. Tears slip down my face, but no one sees them. Not even her.

Now, my dream will never come true.

 

Later at the party, I stand aside and, as I fight hard to keep my face normal or even happy, my heart is torn to shreds. I see her dancing with him, long hair creating a cape beneath the veil and perfectly contrasting from the snowy whiteness of her dress.

Finally I gather enough courage to congratulate my friends. She is breathless from the dance. He grasps her in his strong hold, enveloping her in his joy, love and protection. I am sharply reminded of their match. But I can’t help but wonder, if God was more amorous, could the one that is holding her be me?

You should've always been by my side.

Then I catch his eye. He waves me over and hugs me as well. We’ve embraced before, but this hold had none of the same feelings, none of the reciprocal warmth. He quickly lets me go.

Like a movie in slow motion, I turn to her. There is a moment of silence as I watch the expressions on her face change. Then words come out of my mouth. Things like “congratulations”, “he loves you” and “together forever.” There are more words that I want to say. “Don’t go” and “I need you close to me” are only the very few things I want her to hear.

But, even though I want to say “I need you close to me.”

But I care for her and his happiness far more than mine. I take her hand and kiss it lightly. I desperately wish I can leave all these feelings behind, sealed away in that kiss and later washed away. My heart had already been broken to pieces, but the little pieces still call for her whole one, cutting my chest like needle-pointed darts.

As I slowly let that hand go and step back, more people flood by to replace me, showering the pair with joyous words. Adverting my eyes, I trudge away. My heart blackens and hardens to obsidian, no life and no soul.

And I can’t help but wonder, “If I knew it would hurt this much, would I still have fallen for you?” The whine of the door brings her eyes up. “Hiro!”

Once more, I turn back. Her eyes are confused. Her mouth starts to form words. But I shake my head. “Please be happy.”

I just pray that you will be happy forever.

But I’m not sure if you can hear me, from this far away. From the far side of my world to yours. The door slams behind me and, feeling the shadows seep into my face, I finally understand the meaning of nothing and oblivion.

No matter how lonely that makes me.

Will I be able to face her again with peace inside? Will I gaze into eyes and feel no desire? Will I be able to feel the familiar feeling of a joyful heartbeat, to love again?

And I finally understand the meaning of hope and future.

 

Why did I end up falling for you?

 

Author's Note

Original song: Why did I end up falling for you?
Artist: DBSK/TVXQ
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