Part Four: Release

Final part of Hikari's spring

“Gochisosama[1],” I said as I stood up from the dinner table. My parents continued to chat with Kazuki, asking every detail of his new life. Hikari had gone to bed early, though her fever was already down.

When the warm soapy water washed over the dishes and my hand, I went on auto-pilot and efficiently cleaned the dishes. I turned off the water when I wasn’t using it, out of habit. I paused. Now that I think about it, I said to myself, Hikari was the one beating into me to conserve water and energy. Turn off lights when you leave the room…Save water... I smiled a little. Every thing she did, even little things like that …

A large hand with a dirty dish slid into my vision. “Wow,” Kazuki said, leaning down, “first smile since I came.”

Impulsively, my frown clothed my face.

“What are you thinking about?”

“It’s none of your business.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but thought better. As I washed his dishes, he leaned against the counter. His blue-green eyes flowed over every tile on the ceiling.

“You know,” he said suddenly, “if I had to say what my greatest faults are, I would say that I blindly rush into things and let my emotions take over before I think it through.”

“Yeah, you always had the tendency to that,” I blurted out.

He nodded, crossing his arms. “You’re right, of course. I’ve tried to control it…but some things in the past I just can’t change.”

I froze, forgetting to turn the faucet off.

His sharp eyes glanced at me through the corner of his eye, almost testing my reaction. “And the worst example was when I took Clara away from you.”

The awkward pause that filled the moment was only broken by the sound of rushing water.

“I’m not blind, you know.” He said, turning back to his inspection of the walls.

I broke out of my trance and began hastily washing the dishes.

He didn’t seem to notice my sudden interest in the soapy plates. He began to examine the contours of his own hand. When he spoke again, I turned the water down a little lower.

“Before it happened, I had begun to see a trend in the types of decisions I made. That I rushed without thinking into things and say things in the heat of the moment. It was only a theory, so I hadn’t put much thought into it. Clara, that day, came to me and asked me out, just like that. Of course, not fully knowing my tendency, as you put it, I accepted without a further thought. Those first two months could’ve easily been one of the best times of my life. Only the little nagging voice in the back of my head held me back.

“It took me another month to realize the consequences of my decision. As slow as I may be, I just couldn’t ignore your pain. By the time I started to regret it, I had broken your gentle heart to pieces. You suffered for my mistake. And I got what I deserved. Clara wasn’t as she seemed at first and she was terribly possessive. I started to see the truth in the phrase ‘what goes around comes around.’

“After I broke up with her, she continued to chase after me. I looked forward to college for that reason. A good thousand miles away” He ran his hand through his hair. Taking a deep breath, he finally turned his body towards me.

“Ryo…I-I just want to say that I am sorry for what I had done. I’ve had more than a year’s worth of time to contemplate for my mistakes. I want to repent and start things anew. Maybe we could return to the good times before. Ryo,” he leaned forward a little, “will you find the heart to forgive me?”

Unable to take overbearing power of his gaze, I shifted my eyes away, breaking the connection and began drying a plate half-heartedly. “I don’t know,” was all I could manage.

“I should’ve expected it,” he murmured. The ceiling became interesting again. “You harboring this hate towards me for a year. Then I left for another, without saying anything. Finally coming back out of the blue and expecting you to forgive me.” He buried his face into his palm. “I’m such an idiot,” he laughed humorlessly.

I was surprised to find myself suddenly incapable of sprouting insults at him. I leaned on the counter, searching the faint reflection on the metal sink.

“Why is it so easy for me to talk to you now?” I muttered, more to myself and still searching. My grip tightened a little. “So many hours were spent thinking about all the ways I could’ve killed you if you came.”

He grinned a little, unsuccessfully hiding it behind a hand. “Maybe deep down,” his voice wavering slightly, “you don’t hate me at all.”

I snorted. “Yeah right. When the sky turns purple― “

 

“And when the stars turn green,” he finished for me.

“Hey, I didn’t get to finish―” I started.

“It looks pretty purple to me,” he cut in, gazing through the window. “Don’t you think?” I hated to admit it, but the sky was a bleak blue-purple, fading into the distant horizon.

“Never mind,” I said, waving a hand.

“It’s always been your favorite phrase.” He smiled victoriously.

Rolling my eyes, I felt my frown return. “If that were true,” I said, returning back to the original topic, “then why is it that I still want to strangle you for what you did?”

He didn’t seem to find an answer for that. He crossed his arms again, smile fading. After a moment, he asked abruptly, “So, what are your views on girls now?”

I couldn’t help the incredulous look that crossed my face.

He shrugged. “If that happened to me, I would see them as selfish creatures, manipulating to get what they want. Or something likewise as bad.”

“Heh,” I chuckled a little, solemnly. “I used to believe that. For a long time anyway.”

“And now?”

I hesitated for a moment before saying, “A lot of them may be that way. Some as bad as her or worse. And some just barely there…” I paused, choosing my words carefully. My mind traveled to the sleeping girl upstairs. Hikari wasn’t like that. I smiled for real as I recalled her gentle face. “But not all of them.”

His eyebrows rose in pleasant surprise. The smile returned. “Well then,” he said. He straightened from the counter. “Hikari did her job.”

“What?”

“Oh nothing,” he said, facing me. Creases on his brow I hadn’t noticed before disappeared. His smile took on the look of a girl gloating over a secret her friend didn’t know. Mischievous eyes danced. He raised a large arm and ruffled my head. I felt a wave of happiness overwhelm my surprise. My entire body relaxed and I smiled gratefully. How familiar this small gesture was…

“Good night, my foolish brother,” he said.

My face went red at being caught with a happy emotion that he helped cause. I put on an angry face and punched his shoulder. “Shut up, old man.” I muttered, only half-meaning it.

He chuckled. “Here,” he said, reaching out to take the plate in my hand. “Let me finish.”

Nodding, I handed him the towel and left to the living room. While I laid my head on the armrest, I thought about the conversation. Maybe he was right, I thought as I draped my arm over my eyes, maybe, deep down somewhere, I really don’t hate him. Even as I said that, my conscience smiled at me and nodded approvingly. It was the truth then…

When I felt the cushion under my back sink a little, I lifted my arm. It was Hikari. She draped a light blanket over her sleeping clothes. The ceiling light shone on her long hair and cast a shadow over her face.

“Hikari,” I said, sitting up. “How are you feeling?”

She smiled. “Much better, thanks.”

I leaned back down and said softly, “That’s good.”

There was a slight pause. “How did it go? With Kazuki, I mean?”

“It…went well, I guess,” I ventured uncertainly. I glanced up at her. “You’re pretty pleased with yourself. You encouraged him, didn’t you?”

She looked embarrassed. Her violet eyes averted while she went faintly pink. She was like a little child caught in a misdoing.

“I should’ve known.” I examined the ceiling, avoiding her eyes. Then I had the sudden urge to smile. I couldn’t hold back. I just felt so at peace, a heaviness ascending from my shoulders.

A warm hand covered mine on my stomach. I turned to the side and saw Hikari beaming gently. “I like it when you smile,” she said, eyes gazing deep inside of me.

My heart skipped a beat. Sitting up and blushing, I said, “I-uh…” my ability to form words seemed lost for a moment as my heart drummed against my chest.

“Making up must’ve done it,” she continued. “You know, I always knew when you were thinking about him because every time you think about him, a small smile that is almost unnoticeable crosses your face. Then the pain returns and the smile is gone. But the smile was really gentle and was content. You never really did hate him, did you?”

“Kazuki may be an idiot, but,” I shook my head, “I never wanted to hate him. I probably hated what he did then connected it to him. I let my anger consume the brother that I had loved for so many years. Just over a mistake. We all make mistakes yet I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him…until now. I’m pretty messed up.”

She shook her head, “No you’re not. It really hurt you, but you still found the heart to forgive him. That’s not an easy thing. I’m proud of you, Ryoto.”

I watched her, hardly believing she was really real. It had to be dream… Then, without a further thought, I reached out and, ever so gently, held her against me. The blanket fell with a quiet rustle onto the carpet.

“R-Ryoto?” she whispered. Her words tickled my ear with warm fingers. “A-are you…?”

“Please,” my murmur faltering as warm tears I couldn’t control fell from my eyes. “Just let me stay like this for a moment.”

In response, her arms wrapped around my back and her face buried into the valley of my neck. I shed tears of joy, relief, release. I let the droplets slide down my face into her soft hair. Her presence was comforting. At that moment, I didn’t care that I had never shown her any emotion before. I didn’t care that she was a girl. I didn’t care that there were other people in the house that could’ve been watching. Everything of importance minutes ago no longer seemed noteworthy. Nothing really mattered. All I cared was that I was freed from this bonding cage of hatred towards girls and Kazuki. Without that cage, a new Ryoto was emerging. All thanks to this girl in my arms. This wonderfully real angel that opened the doors and led me towards the light. Thank God…

When the sudden wave of emotion subsided, I almost reluctantly let go. I wiped my eyes and tried to apologize, “Sorry, Hikari. I just…” I stopped. Her face was close to mine, only inches away. I wasn’t sure whether our closeness or her moist lips just centimeters away that made me so red. All of a sudden, I wondered when the last time I was kissed.

 

Then I remembered that last kiss Clara and I shared before she showed her true self. She didn’t seem sorry at all when everything was revealed and seemed to find joy in my pain. Yet that last kiss, tears flowed from her eyes when our lips touched. Maybe in her heart, she knew that the next time we saw each other, she would be hated by me. Maybe somewhere in her heart, she felt pain in doing this to me. Whatever the reason, she cried during our last kiss. It had been almost three years since that last kiss. I still remember how torrid her embrace was and the coldness of her lips. Her eyes were like voids― empty.

 

I blinked. Hikari was sitting upright, blushing furiously. Our closeness only seemed to heighten the awareness to the heat. No way, I thought, she’s just still sick. There is no way… but, as much as I denied it, this warmth could not be caused by the warming temperature outside alone.

“Oh sorry,” I said, remembering the way I had held her. I felt myself redden as well.

She recovered. “It’s alright,” she said, grinning. “Do you feel better?”

I nodded.

“That’s good.” She stood up and beckoned me to follow. I watched as she walked outside into the backyard. She leaned against the railing of the deck, violet eyes fixed on the stars above and hair rippling in the wind. She was so graceful, so full of life. Truly something to behold.

I stretched my arm to touch her. I caught myself. No, I thought to myself as I pulled away. There is no way I would love her like a girl. She is a family friend and, if I feel anything like love, it would be like family. Besides, I swore to myself to never fall in love again.

“Ryoto?”

“Yeah?”

She smiled and pointed at the blooming tree nearby. It was a plum blossom and its ample pink blossoms were in full bloom. Her waving hair almost perfectly matched the blue-black of the nighttime sky. “Aren’t they beautiful?” She asked.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “They’re beautiful.” We stood there together, smiling at each other. With one last song, the spring wind swept between us, causing plum blossom petals to dance towards the blanket of awakening stars far beyond our reach.

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[1] Japanese for “Thank you for the meal.”

Author's Note

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[Iris Jayne]

I finally got to read this again! [: This is as good as the other chapters. Reading the next[: