Part Three: Memories

Part 3 of Hikari's spring

After I made the promise to her that spring day, Clara, the golden-haired girl, and I spent the next seven and a half years growing closer. We became inseparable. I trusted her and told her everything, things that I hadn’t even told Kazuki. Every time I was hurt, by a bad score or some shallow girl that I thought I liked, she was there, holding me and lent me the shoulder to cry on. She was never judgmental and would tell me that that girl wasn’t worth it.

“There is a girl out there that deserves you,” she would say. “Who cares about those other girls? Seriously, they don’t know what they are missing.” Then she would joke and I would give in, like that day, to her radiant smile.

Over time, I realized that it wasn’t just any girl I wanted. I wanted her. I was sure it was her, the one for me. During the last few weeks of seventh grade, I finally got the courage to ask her out.

It was a particularly good day and I was feeling brave. I waited patiently by the math room. She spent time with the teacher for extra help before finals. When she walked out, I accompanied her. We had half an hour to waste so we walked around the school together. I was nervous and often stuttered. When we got to the few trees on the right of the side entrance, she asked if I was ok. I knew it was time.

“C-Clara?”

“Yes?” she flashed one of her brilliant smiles that left me speechless for a moment.

I turned away, blushing furiously. “W-wouldn’t it be nice…tomorrow, when we came to school…we would be…together?”

“What do you mean, Ryoto?” she asked.

I took a deep breath. I met her sky-blue eyes straight-on. “I love you, Clara. I have for a long time. Do you want to go out with me?”

Her light blue widened. A small sob escaped her lips. Although she bit her lip, tears fell.

“I-I’m so sorry!” I said, reaching out a hand. “I didn’t mean to…”

She shook her golden head. “No, Ryoto. I’m so happy.” She fixed her eyes on my face. “I love you, too.”

I opened my arms and she rushed to me. I held her tight. “Then don’t cry like that. You had me worried for a moment,” I whispered.

She nodded. After a few moments, I loosened my grip. Her eyes gazed back. I bent forward and rested my lips on hers. Her lip quivered then relaxed. I wanted that moment to live forever. Too soon, I let go. 

I stroked her soft golden tresses. My eyes wandered over her face, soaking in every detail. “All the times I thought I was in love,” I said softly, “I realize now that I was only just searching for you. You are the only one I need.”

And I truly believed that. Those other girls that I thought I fell in love with…well, that wasn’t love. Not even close. Clara was my first love and always will.

After that day, we spent many hours talking, laughing, and sometimes kissing. We spent time at school and at home. My love soared and I did very well on the finals and in school all through eighth grade and freshman year. All of my friends approved of us going out. All except Alex, my best friend. Even from the beginning, he didn’t support my decision. He was like a displeased father against his daughter’s marriage. No matter how much I tried to convince him of her innocence, he stood firm, unshakable.

“Love is blind,” he would say with a disapproving look. “Open your eyes, Ryoto.”

Although I couldn’t convince him, I somehow couldn’t hate him, even though Clara told me that I was supposed to. He and I had met each other when we were three and had our ten-year anniversary the year before. He was the only true friend I had. Instead of hurting him, I just avoided him whenever possible. Eventually, our eleven year friendship came to a stand-still and became dormant, still there, but buried under unsolved conflict.

I was surprised at how empty I felt as I lost his brother-like presence. I realized how much of my heart he had taken. I really didn’t appreciate him when he was there and I understood too late that I wanted him back. My heart throbbed darkly every time I saw him, reminding me of my mistake. But my pride refused to let me apologize as I should’ve done. Apparently, so did his.

In desperate attempt to fill the gaping hole, I spent more and more time with Clara, clinging to her like a drowning man. Slowly, his spot began to shrink and her place grew until it almost consumed it all entirely. Her, Kazuki and a few minor things became the rulers of my heart. I clutched and loved them with all that I was. It never went through my head what would happen if either of them hurt me. I had no care for the future. Clara and Kazuki were my life. Even school didn’t seem as important anymore. I had given my everything to them, and never in my wildest nightmares did I imagine myself without both.

A year passed and it was spring of eighth grade. That day, I had been feeling down. I had failed a few tests, friends were fighting, and worst were Kazuki and Clara. Clara had been avoiding me and, for the past two months, Kazuki, a junior, went out often saying he was meeting a girl. My parents disapproved him going out so often, but didn’t speak a word. As I walked off the bus, I saw two figures. I stared. It was Clara and Kazuki. They were holding hands and were beaming at me.

“Welcome home,” Kazuki said, grinning.

Clara beamed. Her fair hair fell in waves and was much shorter. Something must’ve happened[1].

I fought to find words. There was an empty hole in my chest. I felt as if I had been punched and my heart, or the place where it was, throbbed. “What…?” I indicated them.

“Oh,” Kazuki said, “Guess what? Today is our two month anniversary.”

“Two…months?”

He nodded. “Yup. Right? We’ve been going out for two months. Wow, it went by so fast.”

He turned to her. An expression crossed their faces. It was an expression I had only seen a few times and I had never seen on either of them before. It was pure and simple love.

 

I stood up and walked to the window. Letting the sun bathe me, I rested my hand on the window frame, closing my eyes. The wind rustled, tousling my hair. My sigh escaped with the breath. At least, the wind still was fresh and gentle.

 

I didn’t know how long I ran. I ran—that’s all I knew. The trees and houses beside me flew by as my feet pounded on the hard cement road. But the two didn’t seem to get far enough behind me. They were always just a few feet away, smiling ever so happily together. I hated to admit it, but the two seemed perfect, an ideal couple. The image of the tall, dark green-haired and handsome Kazuki complete with the golden-haired, blue-eyed Clara burned into my mind.

Steady beats of my feet…constricting throat, threatening tears…run away…run away…away from…them…

My vision slowly became blurred. I wiped the tears away, little droplets of shed pain. They just kept flowing, an endless salty river. My legs finally gave out. I stumbled on the road, cutting my knees. I couldn’t feel the blood flow. My heart’s blood flowed much harder that it drowned out all others. I leaned against the strong body of a tree, and crumpled at its base. My body shook. I cried. I cried with sadness, anger, jealousy, pain, loss, emptiness. My heart was empty— I had given so much away of it to them.

That day, I swore that I would hide my heart away, never give it to another. I would never fall in love again. All love for her was washed away under the currents of pain. In my anger, I believed everyone was against me. A flaring hate grew from my anger.

I hate girls, I thought. I hate them. Such manipulative, flirting burdens. I hate them all. And I will never forgive them. Those two who ruined me…

 

The clock in my room chimed noon. Oh right, I thought. Slowly creaking open the door, Hikari shifted a little in her sleep. Her face turned towards me, violet eyes still closed. I found she had taken her medicine already. I was going to take the glass downstairs when she shifted again.

“Ryoto…” she murmured, soft but clear enough that I thought she had woken.

I turned. She sighed again and slept on. I turned and, setting the glass on the stand, I sat on the edge of the bed. Her tousled hair fell into her face. I hadn’t noticed before, but when she tilted her head away, I saw her nose was straight, curving only slightly. I reached out to move the strand of hair out of her face. When sleeping, her face seemed so serene. She looked so vulnerable. She whispered something again. Her head turned towards me and her hand fell on top of mine. I noticed again how callused yet so soft it was. Clara’s hand was a hand that only a person who never worked had. It made me wonder what kind of hardships she had been through. I felt a wave of warmth spread through me as I looked down on her face.

Hikari is different, I thought, eyes scanning over her face, every fine detail. Tentatively, I reached a finger and skimmed her cheek. A soft wind sighed and ruffled her hair. A spirit of a smile rested on her face.

And downstairs, Kazuki set down his cool mug and, as he ran his fingers through his hair, smiled in a knowing way.

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[1] In Japan, cutting your hair is sometimes a way to express strong feelings, such as anger or moving on from a relationship...etc.

 

Author's Note

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