Paradise (abridged)

This is a story I wrote for a school magazine. The topic was the Rebirth of the World. This is the 1,500 or so word shortened version that I sumbitted.

 

Visions of a serene place flinted through my mind. Plants, animals thrived, humans lived peacefully with their neighbors and half-humans were accepted by both worlds. Everything was well…

 

Habit drove me up at dawn’s first light.  Braiding my long hair and dressing in close-hugging gear and ankle and wrist guards, I stepped out of the shadows.

            The morning light bathed the emerald forest in a shower of golden light and warmth. Dew glinted gold and dark leaves rustled at the wind’s sigh. A bouquet of smells wafted through the air and I recognized the smell of fresh morning.

            I crouched at the small stream and lapped at the cool waters. But water was not enough so I got my bow and quiver. I had been given the senses of a hunter so I could hear, see, and feel far better than any human and, combined with the cunning and intelligence of both worlds, I was a deadly enemy.

            Shifting between dark shadows and golden patches, I listened and felt for presences. As my hunting instincts overcame me, my mind started to wander into the past where everything was right.

 

            I had been born a human with a normal body and grew up by the name Sera. I had an older sister and my parents were successful doctors, dedicating their lives to the good of mankind.

            My childhood was no different- I grew up in a nursery, went to school, and had friends. I was a typical child. I grew and all was well until the morning before I went to high school.

            My parents told me nothing. They just took me into the car with my sister and drove to the lab. The whole way, my mother and sister were quiet. Unaware, I smiled at the sun.

            When we arrived, we checked in. Now, my sister and mother were crying. My father came to me and spoke to me in a cracked voice. I couldn’t remember everything he said, but I had caught the words “we are proud of you” and “we love you.”

            A tall man in a white jacket came and called my name. I slid off the chair and kissed my family, thinking it was just a checkup. The moment the door glided across again behind me, I felt something was amiss.

            In a white room, I was told to hold still while I was chained around my wrists, ankles and neck. The scientist came to me with a shot and thrust the point into my flesh. I screamed in pain.

As I yanked on the chains, I felt my body change. My anguished screams became roars and I felt a new presence. It roared with me and I realized it was a wolf. I fell into the dark depths of unconsciousness…

When I woke again, I was chained to a bed, swimming in a pool of golden-crimson sunset-light. There was a knock and a female scientist came in. I looked into the blue depths of her eyes. With a deep breath, she told me what had happened and my inevitable fate.

For the past decade, a mysterious catastrophe that had been terrorizing our world, named Smoke. It was mysterious, disappearing, appearing elsewhere and then fade away again.

A man found that animals were able to predict the movements of the Smoke. “What if we combined humans with characteristics of animals,” he asked. “And let them help us predict these movements?” Tests were made and a way had been discovered. 100 people were tested, 50 survived the transformation, but only 25 could maintain their identities. Though I had survived, the rest of my family hadn’t been so lucky.

She quickly moved into the subject of my transformation. Out of her pocket, she drew a mirror. Reflected into the mirror was my face. But it wasn’t only me anymore. I had grown black ears and tail, silver claws and fangs, and piercing gold eyes. I knew my spirit had truly combined with the wolf. But I didn’t want it to be true. My family was gone and now I was a mutant, the melting of two species that never should’ve crossed.

Unnoticed tears slipped from my golden eyes into my dark blue-black hair. My numb hands rose and covered my face. This was just a bad dream, a nightmare. Please let it be over. But it was reality. I wasn’t in a dream; it was as real as my shredding heart.

 

My over-sensitive ears caught the sound before I saw it.  Spinning around, I shifted into a fighting stance. In the shadows, the shape rippled and formed from the darkness, drawing closer.

It was one of my kin, a fellow wolf-man. He was strongly built with short silver-blue hair. Wolf ears and tail were silver-gray and his claws were lethal. Dark blue tattoos lined the tanned skin and face. Muscles rippling, he was handsome and had blue-gray eyes that drew my eyes and held them.

I saw him examine me with the same interest and must’ve found me harmless for his whole body relaxed.

“Good morning, kin-sister,” he said.

I relaxed at his kind tone, but kept my hand on the bow in case he had a change of heart. “Same to you, kin-brother. I was hunting.”

“Ah…” he said. His eyes wandered to mine. “Lonely eyes…same pain…” Come.” When he saw no movement, he smiled and held out a hand. “Don’t worry. You can scent them, can’t you? Just my pack-sisters and brothers. We started a new clan when we got rejected.” His smile became sad.

I unconsciously reached out and touched his arm. When I saw surprise, I drew away, fearing I had intruded on an unknown and forbidden taboo. Surprise quickly melted into sad understanding and he returned my touch.

We stood there watching the pain and loss reflected in the other’s eyes. Soft footsteps drew my hand back onto my bow. The man turned and beckoned with an encouraging nod.

More kin came out of the shadows of the towering trees. Three females and four males stepped into the light. Though their fur ranged from a red-brown to a silver-black and their eyes from a sky-blue to a dark emerald, all of the three pairs of eyes all had the same pain of being shunned by the very people who created them. As I gazed at these people who understand my hurt, my memory flew again.

 

When my anguished cries had ceased to deep breaths and silent tears, I was told of my unavoidable destiny. I was to serve the masters, humans, and satisfy their every whim. In short, I was a slave. I no longer was considered a human, but an outcast, underappreciated for the sacrifices I had made to help the rest of mankind.

Those years were torture. I spent my days in a cage and occasionally let out to scent, report in about the movements of the Smoke and put back into the cage again. After what seemed eternity, I managed to flee. Since then, I rarely left the safety of the forest. Over the few years, humankind, without the help of the last half-human, died out at the hands of the Smoke. Half-humans were the last ties to the once-great civilization.

 

I followed the man and his kin down a path. He had asked me a question. I apologized and asked him to repeat it.

“What is your name?”

 I thought a little. “Rain.” I replied. The name Sera only brought back pain and memory. I gazed at him. “What shall I call you?”

“Stormfoot.” He said simply. “Do you have anywhere to stay? Any other kin that might miss you?” I shook my head. “You may join our clan, if you wish. We are searching for Paradise.”

I stopped and looked at him. “Paradise?”

“Yes. A place where all life can live in harmony. A place where half-humans are no longer shunned and are seen by their soul. A place where everything is peaceful.”

His words revived the memories of my dream. A place where all life can live in harmony. Paradise…

My face broke into my first true smile. I took his hand in mine. “Would I be any use to you?”

“Of course.” A light squeeze. “Let’s gather all of the others and search together.”

“Hey, you two!” Stormfoot’s brother called out, waving at us. “Let’s get going, the sun won’t wait for us!”

“We’re coming,” he called back. Our eyes met and we nodded. Dashing, our laughter rang until we broke through the foliage onto a golden plain.

I turned and saw them following. I was no longer a loner, an outcast. Destiny had taken mercy on us and granted us a chance to find Paradise. We had survived destiny’s test and we were taking the next step towards the ultimate ending- true freedom and peace. The future was as bright as the afternoon sun that smiled down on us.

Author's Note

Any suggestions?

Reviews

[Leah Elisabeth]

Congratulations on a story well written. This contains two crucial elements of a good story, a well written introduction and conclusion. I was very impressed with your story because I was beginning to feel that the art of writing one complete work was being lost. Your introduction caught my attention and let me know this was a story worth reading and your conclusion drew your story to an end without feeling like you had gone on too long or had stopped too soon. You ended this story leaving the possibility for more while ending it well. I did find one fragment sentence, but generally your structure is quite good. I found this story very expressive and beautiful. Well done!

[skacsimm]

I will send specifics in a personal message, but I have to say this is excellent work. You really have a gift. I saw that this was for school, but you really could expand it and sell it as an article to a magazine, or make it longer, into a book. You have a gift for getting your ambience and point across with very few words. I could learn a thing or two from you.
I expect to see good things from you.
Good luck.

[skacsimm]

I liked the story. I saw a few tiny problems, there were just four of five places I thought needed to be reworded, or a word was left out. Nothing major. I don't have time right now to give a specific review, my son has a basketball game. If you would like I'll do it another time.

[skacsimm]

I didn't read it all because of the bright truquoise font. It hurts the eyes. Try changing it then I'll read again.

[Greystone]

Your description, my pet, is nothing less than spectacular. The turmoil, both emotional and physical, of Sera-Rain is pounded into one's head with force, but with flair. Your perhaps-unintentional mention of the colour gold was also interestingly challenging to the mind. That the civilization of mortals will crumble due to their own devices was nothing less than pure valor and bravery. It takes a very, very strong mind to consider such topic, and I confess I was thoroughly impressed and even envious of such eloquence. However, there is one part that rather bothered me--take it constructively, it's meant that way--

"I had been given the senses of a hunter so I could hear, see, and feel far better than any human and, combined with the cunning and intelligence of both worlds, I was a deadly enemy." Is there any way you can make this sound...less forced? I'd suggest checking around with the wording a bit, looking at something with a little bit less frankness. This sentence told us she wasn't going to be normal forever, and that made the storyline harder to delve into. If it weren't for that sort of bring-me-down line, suspension of disbelief would make this a much more potent piece.

Keep Writing.

[Charlène Boutin]

This is a great story, I was pulled in the plot starting at the first line. The description is wonderful, and the idea itself is very original and interesting. Thank you for entering this story in my contest- you sure do have a chance of winning.

[thecoolone52]

good story its a great idea wish it was a little longer though................ i mean i know you wrote this for a school thing or whatever........ but thanks for entering my contest