Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A Chapter by Matt Ritch
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1st of 40 chapters

"
Salem collapsed behind a wall breathing heavily. He escaped from them for now but they would find him again like they always did. He waited for his breathing to return to normal. Then he stepped out of his hiding spot ready for anything, but this time they weren't there. No one was. "Wheres everyone at?" He yelled, and when no one answered he checked in the restaurant next to him. A bag of food sat on the counter untouched . He took a cheese burger out of the bag and threw more than enough money to pay for his food on the counter.  He sat with his feet propped up on the table and ate his cheeseburger as if this was a normal daily routine. As far as he was concerned nothing had happened. A few minutes ago people were everywhere going about there daily life. Now he was alone, and the monsters that hunted him had disappeared along with everyone else. His life had suddenly become peaceful, and he planned on enjoying it. He closed his eyes and relaxed. Looks like you're enjoying yourself. He said yeah and debated whether or not he should open his eyes. He decided not to and ignored the person that was trying to talk to him . He opened his eyes an hour later . She was still there. Are you done now she asked him. She was obviously mad at him for ignoring her. He didn't answer, and she sat up and said, "I have all of the time in the world". Something told him that she wasn't kidding. He had a bad feeling that if he asked her what she wanted his peaceful life would go back to the chaos it had been before but he asked her anyway.
 "So you want me to walk across a desert  with no food or water while immortal blood thirsty demons hunt me. Then you want me to steal an ancient artifact from one of the strongest generals in the world and bring it back to you. Sounds like fun while I'm at it why don't I build my own empire, find the fountain of youth, and bring back everyone that died in the past 20 years to life. I have a shovel at home you want me to dig my own grave? . It'd be a lot easier than any of that." She interrupted him before he could go any further. She told Salem that when he gave her what she wanted she would break his curse. He would be free to do what ever he wanted. Salem watched her leave. He'd already decided that trusting her was a bad idea, but it was his only option. He'd have to risk it. 
 As soon as she disappeared the people were back along with his old friends that  constantly tried to kill him. They rushed at him. He slammed his right hand into the taller one he'd named punching bag. He'd beat him down with his bare hands so many times, but it didn't get any easier. Punching bag attacked him with a roundhouse kick. Salem ducked under it The other one swung a knife at him leaving a whole in his favorite shirt. He backed up. Punching bag tried to tackle him but he tripped knocking his partner down. Salem took the chance to run away. He made it to his house unscathed . He grabbed his sword and his uzi and jumped out the back window. He landed on his neighbor's roof and slid down it. His hunters were already catching up. Salem shot at the one following him from where he came from. The other one was running alongside him on the ground. He jumped from rooftop to roof top until he ran out of roofs. Then he jumped onto the back of a truck surprising the driver. The  demon on the roof jumped off and was hit by a car. Salem waved good bye to the other one. Hopefully he wouldn't see them in a while.  The driver was kind enough to keep driving when Salem showed him his fully automatic sub-machine gun.
Salem's motion sickness kicked in faster than he'd expected, but he couldn't do anything about it; so he got off  the truck and began his journey on foot. It would be a long and brutal walk. If he survived this he was going to have to renegotiate the payment.Getting rid of his demon stalkers would be nice but they were the least of his problems. He was still in debt. They'd already said if he didn't pay them back he'd be locked in the worst prison they could find. That brought back memories of when he was a thief. Those were the good days stealing from the rich and giving to the poor (himself). 
He could hear thunder. A storm was coming from the  north, and judging by everyone else's reaction to it the storm would be bad.  There was an inn he used to stay at when he passed through here. The beds there were unfit to sleep on, but if he was lucky he'd see some old friends that always stayed there when they were passing through. Maybe someone would help him out. The inn had changed since the last time he'd been there. It wasn't the same place he remembered. The smell of cigarettes no longer filled the rooms. Fancy decorations covered the walls. Peaceful Music played in the background. He was out of place. It didn't take everyone staring at him for Salem to notice that. He told the girl at the front desk that he needed a room to stay in . She gave him a key and told him room 32. He thought he'd run into trouble on his way to his room, but his sword had prevented that. Who would want trouble with someone carrying around a five foot sword like it was nothing? The sword was the only reason he'd been allowed a room. If anyone else had walked in there looking like him and asked for a room they would have been laughed at and turned down. The inn had turned into a hotel for the wealthy. That wasn't surprising since they'd already taken over everything else. 
Salem barricaded the door to his room and collapsed on his bed. He fell asleep instantly.He sat in a dark room. Bars covered the exit and shackles prevented him from escaping when they brought him food. He'd already tried ten times and the punishment for failing was torture. Wounds covered his entire body. Pain attacked him constantly. As long as he was here it would never leave him. He would be tortured  until he died. His guard came in and told him to get up. He had a visitor. Salem almost forgot about his plan to escape when he heard visitor, but no one came to visit anyone. He backed up into the dark corner and sat down. They'd already used this trick on him. He wasn't going to let them do it again. A woman walked to his cell and told the guard to leave. She didn't need him there. She told Salem she could get him out of there. He didn't believe her, but he asked her how she planned on freeing him. She told him her father, the man that locked him away in this prison, needed someone to return something that was stolen from him. It was embarrassing, but a thief took his crown. He didn't want to speak to his people with out it. Salem  yelled "Is this some kind of joke," at her and the guard came rushing back to them. She told the guard to go away. He wasn't needed yet. 
"It's not a joke" she said smiling at him." You get his crown. Your expendable. If you die we can send anther prisoner. We cant do that with the soldiers."


© 2013 Matt Ritch


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first of all you need to indent, do a new paragraph every time someone speaks, use more commas and well, it's easier to explain if I show you:

Salem collapsed behind a wall, breathing heavily. He had escaped them for now, but they would find him again. Just like they always did. He waited for his breathing to return to normal, then he stepped out of his hiding spot, ready for anything, but this time they weren't there. No one was.


-that's an example of punctuation, here's one of dialogue out of my own book:

"Coal, we don't have time for this." Kish said impatiently.
"Then make time." Coal replied. Kish merely shrugged before replying,"You want to waste your own time, go ahead, but don't waste mine." Then he turned and left, leaving tracks in the sand behind him.

The girl never says what she wants him to do, he just replies to her. ya'know what I mean? You need to explain the situation a little better. Use more imagery.

There were also a few mistakes in conventions, grammar stuff. Like using "Whole" instead of "hole" and "Your" instead of "You're". But it is, admittedly, very interesting. I liked it. Good job.

Also, reading it out loud reveals most any mistake. Try it. I do it all the time, or my stories wouldn't even be worth glancing at. ;) whereas, yours is already great!! Just describe a lot more! Good job! :) :) :) ;)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Matt Ritch

11 Years Ago

Thanks for the advice.I will try reading it out loud and to explain a little more. I'm glad you like.. read more
Calibaster

11 Years Ago

You're welcome! I can't wait!!!



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Jag
Very cool. Fast paced from the git go. Looking forward to more as well.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Matt Ritch

11 Years Ago

Thanks. I'm still trying to decide on what should happen next, so the update for this one could take.. read more
first of all you need to indent, do a new paragraph every time someone speaks, use more commas and well, it's easier to explain if I show you:

Salem collapsed behind a wall, breathing heavily. He had escaped them for now, but they would find him again. Just like they always did. He waited for his breathing to return to normal, then he stepped out of his hiding spot, ready for anything, but this time they weren't there. No one was.


-that's an example of punctuation, here's one of dialogue out of my own book:

"Coal, we don't have time for this." Kish said impatiently.
"Then make time." Coal replied. Kish merely shrugged before replying,"You want to waste your own time, go ahead, but don't waste mine." Then he turned and left, leaving tracks in the sand behind him.

The girl never says what she wants him to do, he just replies to her. ya'know what I mean? You need to explain the situation a little better. Use more imagery.

There were also a few mistakes in conventions, grammar stuff. Like using "Whole" instead of "hole" and "Your" instead of "You're". But it is, admittedly, very interesting. I liked it. Good job.

Also, reading it out loud reveals most any mistake. Try it. I do it all the time, or my stories wouldn't even be worth glancing at. ;) whereas, yours is already great!! Just describe a lot more! Good job! :) :) :) ;)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Matt Ritch

11 Years Ago

Thanks for the advice.I will try reading it out loud and to explain a little more. I'm glad you like.. read more
Calibaster

11 Years Ago

You're welcome! I can't wait!!!

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Added on February 3, 2013
Last Updated on February 3, 2013