conduit to the infinite

story of how someone peaceful does drugs in his room which harmlessly give him a great experience and then the government comes in and persecutes him as a matter of national security

AFTER

What have you there?

Huh?!?

What have you there, young man?!?

And the prosecution rests…..

Do you have anything to say for yourself young man?!?! The judge peered at me from his 30 foot high pedestal.

I unfolded the piece of paper my attorney had handed me and proceeded to read it out loud.

I am deeply sorry to those in my community whom I have hurt. I am sorry to those whose rights I have recklessly infringed upon. I am most sorry to society for setting a bad example and tarnishing society's values. Although I know my apology will not reparate the damages I have done, I hope it will at least in some way ease the suffering of all those I have harmed and bring about change so that another tragedy like this never happens again. I wish to express my regret in addition to my sincerest apologies in the hope that this will comfort those who have been devastated by my actions.

Is that all young man?!?! The judge hollered with an authority I had not yet known.

Silence….

Well?!?! He bellowed.

Yes. Your honor. That is all. I spoke softly yet loud enough to be understood with my head down.

Well an apology is not going to rectify what you have done. Justice must be served and you will pay for your actions with your life. You will sit there and reflect on what you have done to your victims.

3,698 years. With a tentative death sentence.

I was immediately seized. The police swiftly put me in cuffs and tied a chain around my body. Yelling offender will walk forward.

I stepped outside of the dark and glorious courtroom with all its gilded pillars of ivory and out into the hot day. The sunlight burned my eyes. I was immediately surrounded by a mass of cameras and reporters shouting in my face. Wanting to know everything from who my mom was to my favorite color. They screamed at me, Why did you do it?”

To that I could not answer. I was dragged away inside the car and brought to the penitentiary to serve justice for my crime and to sit and wait to find out if I would receive the ultimate punishment to be deprived of the life my mother had given me, perhaps even a God or some kind of combination.

BEFORE

It was a Sunday. I had had a great weekend with friends and was starting my homework, so that I would be adequately prepared for my classes on monday. Thats when the blues set in. I hadn’t really enjoyed the weekend even though I had pretended to with my friends. I don’t really enjoy much of anything in life anymore really. Not after my mother had died. At first it was shock. Then confusion. Then a slow and all encompassing mecholony set in and consumed every part of my soul, depriving me of any satisfaction in life. Even though I presented myself as happy go lucky I had become cynical inside. I had died. Though I still performed my bodily functions I was not there. I was not just disenchanted with life by entirely removed and disconnected from it. I saw no point to anything. Where we here to eat, make money and reproduce/procreate?!? Thats it?!? Why live? Well the animals don’t seem to have a problem with this predicament but they don’t have consciousness, and mine had been sucked dry. I stirred with discontent. Not just discontent but loathing. Loathing for everything that was. Everything that was and everything that will be. I put my pencil down and started at the wall, hoping that it would fall on me and remove me from the abyss that I had entered for good.

I took the day off. F**k classes. Why was I doing this anyways? To get a higher salary? A pension? Benefits? Job security? Save me. If I was a ghost what would these things matter to me anyways?

I drove to a park. I drove the car past the parking lot and into a ditch, so no one would see that I was here. Or maybe they would see it and tow the car. I didn’t really care.

I kind of crawled out of the car and then took my eye glasses off, threw them on the ground and crushed them underneath my foot. F**k my eyes. I don’t care what my world looks like its all the same to me. Its looks like s**t. I proceeded on my journey down a bleak mountain into a forest of dull trees. It was a dreary day and a light mist soaked my clothes, chilling my bones and making me question why I had only wore an undershirt. A biker passed me on the road shouting on your left. He was really on my right and I know because we were facing the same direction. Must be dyslexic. I felt like shouting back I’m right in front of you! But I remained quiet, always reserved, never willing to truly express myself for fear I’ll give myself away. I don’t know what I was afraid of or even if I was afraid, maybe the habit of keeping to myself was just so embedded. Then I started to think. What if left was right? Not if right was left but if left was right. Or if there was no direction at all. Or even if all directions lead to good things. I was tiring myself out.

I made it up the hill past the dead trees and came upon a fence. Wire metal fence?!? Isn’t this a state park maybe even a national park. Why the f**k is that there?!? It pissed me off. I decided I was going to do something about it. I wasn’t going to stand for it. I ran towards the fence and climbed over it. For the first time in many years I felt satisfaction, an emotion I have seemingly been bereft of for so long. I noticed however I still still looking down, starting at my feet. I averted my gaze upwards and was suddenly engulfed by a mesmerizing sight. Before my eyes was virgin wheat field, the strands of hay blowing in the breeze, beneath a bright and magnificent sky of a thousand colors. No just one color, in a million shades, each of which I could distinctly differentiate. The brightness dazzled me. I felt the texture of the color on my face. Messaging me and pulsating across my cheeks in radiant waves. I did not put up resistance. I embraced the splendor of what was being placed before me. A hand reached out and placed me in the center of the field. The wheat stroked across my skin back and forth, softly caressing each groove and skin molecule in my body. I lifted my arms up to the sky and heard a gentle voice say you are safe now. I smiled. My teeth come out of my mouth and scattered into a thousand directions before me, joining in the parade of colors before my eyes. I felt the colors patting my on the back just as my old Uncle Jim had done when I was little and would go fishing. I tasted the color in my mouth, my moms angel hair pasta, my favorite, she used to make it for me every friday. I laughed out loud. The sound of laughter reverberated through my soul and lifted me upwards closer towards the sky, the wheat field came with me and I joined the clouds in the sky. The puffy clouds gripped me firmly at first and then the wheat loosened them up to create a perfect snugness as if I was wrapped in my mothers arms when I was a baby. The texture of the clouds became immensely present before me. I saw each vibrating strand of cloud all working together as a team to keep this cloud holding me up. I thanked them for this.

I had touched God now. I had seen the essence of life in front of my eyes. I now had purpose. I now had meaning. Even though my mother had passed, she was still there with me and I knew I would meet here again in person one day. I had gained a profound new perspective on life and had found renewed meaning. No longer would I wallow in my sorrows. I would help others and serve those around me with the talents I had been given. I had been liberated. I had been saved and I knew now I didn’t want to mess this up. I am not going to waste another minute of this life, not another second, for life is meaningful and glorious.

Wake up!!!

You get on your feet!!!!!?!?

I opened my eyes to a double barreled shotgun looking me directly in the face.

On your feet!! I heard again and as I tried to get up I was hit across the face and fell to the floor again.

Get him out of here!!!!

Author's Note

thanks for reading