Something depressive

written when I was upset ...random thoughts of a dark mind.

Welcome to my everydays...
You know that feeling, waking up from one nightmare, to find yourself in another?
Maybe you do...But I bet you don't wake up from ones like me. Either way...You then find yourself, in the one and only dream, that doesn't end with waking up. It ends where you die. And life starts anew for someone else. But it wont be meaning much to you... Because by then...You are nothing, dead, dust, waste, forgotten, irrelevant. Isn't it jus f*****g heartbreaking?
Hehehehe. You may have cut up your wrists, and maybe starved yourself. That's nothing. You haven't stabbed yourself in the guts...Then woke up in the same nightmare, that was supposed to be over for you by then. And what you do then? Lie that you were attacked..So you don't get sent to the lunatics dressed in white, trying to make you believe you're insane, and they're going to help. Then what? Your family still treats you like s**t. Get over it fast or try again, only this time use a bigger knife, and lock the f*****g door. Or live with it. Yes, live with the monster, who almost destroyed you. You must live in his body, and act "normal" or...
A few months later, swallow a handful of sleeping pills, and flush it down with vodka. I'm sure it's a great idea.. If you're planning on throwing up repeatedly, messing up the whole house. Then you pass out. Hey...Guess what? You're in the f*****g er again, still stuck with the same monster, who nearly killed you twice. Music for your ears : According to doctors, you're supposed to be dead, by the time they took you in.; So, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, don't worry... The nightmares wont leave you rest until you recover... No, they already know the rules of fighting... When your opponent is down, f**k him up, so he can't recover.
Yes, the creatures from Hell, will keep you company. What's worse? The guy looking back at you from the mirror, is becoming one of them. Yes, he's wrong in all meanings of the word. He's a bisexual, atheist, insane rock 'n roll fan, who almost killed himself, thrice. But you still don't get it. He's the only one who really knows. Only you see where this is gonna end, but you still don't get any of it.
And in the end...He was right. The monster was right.
You're still alive, though for what purpose... No one knows. The devilish grin in the mirror suggests one thing to your sad face. Do it again, and don't fail this time.
Don't worry... When you're dead, no one will give a s**t anymore. All is forgotten.
When, you walk down the tracks on one side, and see death following you on the other... Well, then you're insane, and it's another reason to die. Then he says, "Try it. But I wont take you yet." And you ask why? All the bullshit about trying to convince you to live, and how much you're "worth" comes down to one, simplified answer "Because I love to see you hurt"

Hehehehe, then you see the train coming for your sorry a*s... Time to choose. Keep suffering, or end the nightmares. All of them..the real ones, and the dream ones.

Obviously, The last choice is the one to choose, if you're smart enough. Death disappeares...Shaking his head.

Like he said...He didn't take you. Even death hates you. Hahahahaha. Yes, well you're still stuck with the monster. And the self proclaimed Einsteins, who all say "I know how it feels..."
Yes? You do? Haha. If you knew... Then you'd be dead by now.
Yes especially those, always claiming they "know".
It's a minor annoyance, until you find them, shivering cold from terror, after they get a taste of what they supposedly "know" already. Then the monster laughs, saying "Now you know what it tastes like. But if you really wanna know, then eat the whole thing."

Welcome to the "Never rest in peace." Part.

So you claim you know.
You know what's it like?
Waking up, being a bisexual?
No, the problem is not there, the problem is...Thanks to all those clueless, claiming "they know " and all the judgement others put on not straight people, you feel like you're a monster. Wait, you already felt like that. Truth is...You're not worth anything less than straight people, who keep thinking that this makes you something different. Eh. They're jus nutheads.
You have no idea what's it like. You know what? Unlike your simple mind thinks, it's not a choice. Your sexual orientation, cannot be changed. If your gay, you were born gay, and you'll die gay. If you're straight, you were born straight, and you'll die straight. End of story.
It's like your skin color...
Did you ask for it? Hahahahaha. Still you don't understand.

Do you know, what's it like, to live in the person who wants to kill you?
Hehehehe. No, you don't.
You're all geniuses, who know nothing. Congratulations.

You say you know... You know only what you went through.
Nothing about me.
So, before you say you know... Think about it. Do you?

Author's Note

I probably shouldn't have published this, but fuck it... lols
I jus had to. I don't really care though. lols

Reviews

[dan]

Danny, It's true, I don't know the verbal and psychological abuse you've endured due to your sexual preference. But I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 40 years ago and have endured the stigmatic treatment I've received from those outside that knowledge spectrum. I know and am friends with a lot of gay people, some probably bisexual, and I've asked them to describe the details of different things: 1) How did you tell your parents, 2) How many friends did you lose when you came out to them, and how shocked you were when friends abandoned you? 3) How have you learned to put up with scathing indictment of your person just BECAUSE OF your sexual preference?
The answers I've gotten described horror stories similar to what I assume you've endured. Just be aware of this: there are way more people like me (accepting, judicious and understanding a bit) than there are still a******s with their heads in the sand, discriminatory brain filled with sand.
Learn how to recognize these types of a******s and to ignore their stupidity. Take pride in the fact that your grip on reality is much tighter than their exclusion of anyone they don't understand.
I don't understand what it's like to be gay or bisexual. I just luckily learned early on that LGBT people are just that...PEOPLE. With feelings and emotions and love....hey, they're just like ME. I feel very fortunate that I learned important lessons early in my life. I fully embrace my acceptance of the LGBT community; now that same sex marriage is past being a novelty maybe things are looking up.
I don't know this. I just care enough to be privy to the conversation. I'm with you 100%, Danny. take care...dan

[Dani The Unreviewed]

thank you my friend :-)

[barleygirl]

I hope I didn't say anything offensive about your life story here. I try not to assume that what people write is about their real life . . . I've been reamed for doing that before! Here's wishing you little sprinkles of sunshine amongst your darkness (((HUGS)))

[Dani The Unreviewed]

no worries there :)
it ain't easy to "offend" me. and yes, this is a part of my "life ".
read moreno worries there :)
it ain't easy to "offend" me. and yes, this is a part of my "life ".
thanks for the read

[barleygirl]

This is a really well-written glimpse into a dark mind. What makes it especially believable is the way the bleak thoughts are interrupted by nervous laughter, like it's all a joke, just forget it, showing feelings of insignificance by dismissing your own talent & creativity. I'm bipolar & I've always wanted to be able to show how dark it can get, but I've programmed myself to not acknowledge the dark side, so I rarely tap into it. I hope your dismissive stuff is just part of the message, not becuz you really think so little of your excellent writing. In particular, I liked the exact amount of gory s**t you described . . . just enuf, without it going into an "eyes-glazed-over" situation for the reader. Always providing some relief from the darkness, here & there. Great piece. I love it when people are being real.

[Dani The Unreviewed]

yea...well this is a little part from my so called life. thank you for reading. :)

[Obscured by the Shadows]

Reading stuff like this is what really opens the eye to truth. Though I must say one thing, everyone's experiences are different. What could be absolutely terrible for one person may be fine for another. What could drive someone mad, may make someone happy. Something that can make someone die can bring someone life. It is all a matter of perspective.

Excellently written, though it is sad to know this is actually what you are going through. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain and torment on anyone. It is a burden you shouldn't have to bear, my dear friend. Take care of yourself, alright?

[Dani The Unreviewed]

yea.. well I wish the judges nothing less but the pain they cause to, as THEY say "my kind "
and then I wish them painful, slow death. since that's what they wish me. then they'll see...
but for their luck...I'm not a murderor...yet.

[Obscured by the Shadows]

Oh Danny, if you ever want to talk, I'm always free.

[Dani The Unreviewed]

thanks, but... it's beyond talk.
I jus want a license to kill...
lols. actually, I don't need anything, just a reason given by them. and then... I'll get revenge, and everyone goes home happy. well I go home happy, they go to taste hospital food, and keep tasting it for six to eight months. hahahahaha...

[Dani The Unreviewed]

I'm sorry, but there are things, that I'm not going to forgive to them. Even if they would beg me to. No... being threatened with murder, is not something you can jus say "oh well" that's something, that costs a few teeth, and broken bones. I was nearly killed. so... I'm gonna keep notes of who deserves what. but it all, doesn't belong here. so that's more than what I should have said in the first place.

[Dead]

And I'll be with you through it all.

[Dani The Unreviewed]

well my beautiful goddess, thanks to you, the worst is over. :)

[Dead]

Well I'm going to be with you forever and infinity after that soo... I love you

[Dani The Unreviewed]

I love you, more & most ♥