Afterimages (Rewrite)

A rewrite of a fairly recent piece I posted. I wasn't happy with the original, and the original didn't get any reviews anyway, so I thought I might as well just repost it.

Afterimages (Rewrite)

I watch as chimeras crumble overhead,

As despoliation and dolor swiftly spread.

The righteous rot away on the riverbed,

While the morally misled begin the bloodshed.

How can my willpower withstand

The mires of this No Man's Land?

Afterimages,

Can you please grant me foresight?

Afterimages,

I dine with Disaster tonight!

The ether oozes with ichor!

(I'm left battered and blind!)

My mind is ravaged by Rancor!

(Please don't leave me to die!)

I tried to flee the scorn of the screams stillborn,

And putrified in this fear I tried to adorn.

Now, dreams deformed by a lush life left lovelorn

Refuse to reform, and leave my conscience war-torn.

How can my willpower withstand

The weather of this wasteland?

Afterimages,

Can you please grant me foresight?

Afterimages,

I dine with Disaster tonight!

The ether oozes with ichor!

(I'm left battered and blind!)

My mind is ravaged by Rancor!

(Please don't leave me to die!)

Wayward wishes beset my heart

(Vile lies and hostile outcries!)

As the daylight inside departs.

(Mortified!  Undignified!)

This forlorn fight I cannot survive!

(Can I survive?)

Afterimages,

Can you please grant me foresight?

Afterimages,

I dine with Disaster tonight!

The ether oozes with ichor!

(I'm left battered and blind!)

My mind is ravaged by Rancor!

Afterimages,

Have you left me here to die?

Afterimages,

Panic has me petrified!

Afterimages,

I have not the strength to rise!

Afterimages,

Why don't you ever reply?

Author's Note

And I'm back from the grave again...for a rewrite. I wrote the original version of this just about a month ago. At the time, I was too happy to be writing something again that I didn't really care how unpolished it was, but now that I've been back in the game for a few weeks, I finally saw that it needed more work. Because the original hadn't gotten any reviews on here at all, I just decided to rewrite the entire thing and repost it as a new entry. I hope you all enjoy this! I'll leave the original version up, just incase anybody decides they want to read that one. The title's the same. Anyway, I've been running on five hours of sleep the past few nights, and it's finally caught up to me, so I think I'm going to turn in for the night. Adios, everybody, and take care. :)

Reviews

[lightsong]

first, I LOVE the title, it's very creative remindes of my (Heartprints), it flows perfectly as a song, Your bitterness and anger, Your sadness and plea were strongly felt, I felt also a tearing inside, with lots of hot tears flowing, I could imagine someone sitting in a complete dark over a desk with a only a dim yellow light, writing this down, intensely so fast. I will check Your original one too :)

[DoormanDan]

I sincerely am thankful that you took the time to read both version of this! Yeah, I can see the similarities in our titles, now that you've pointed it out XD. I was really trying to focus more on the emotional power behind this piece than I usually do. The funny thing about both versions of this piece is that I was actually in an extremely good mood when I wrote them XD. Funny how that works, isn't it? :)

[lightsong]

Ha! that's really interesting to know! see how focusing can do miracles ;)

[Relic]

This poem shows such strong diction and emotion on your part. Your hours of revising have paid off.

Well done Doorman.

[DoormanDan]

I'm happy to hear you think so! Thanks for reading. :)

[Indra's Child]

Wow. This is really amazing... I'm definitely subscribing.
Boop booooop

[DoormanDan]

I really appreciate the subscription, Lysergic, and am flattered by your words. Thanks for reading. I'll be sure to return the favor once I get the chance :)

[.]

Yeah, definitely reads like song lyrics again.

Your strength is in your use of vocabulary; always trying to push the boundaries of your words used, above and beyond the realms of most readers. And in this one some of your words are really exceptional.

Like any written lyrics, it is difficult to fully appreciate them without the music to accompany it. For when combined one can get a true sense of the power or lack thereof of the lyrics used.

Coyote's review below is on the mark. Nice work, Dan.

[DoormanDan]

I'm flattered by your words, Doodley. I definitely agree with you on how the lack of music makes it hard to fully appreciate. If I had musical talent, that definitely wouldn't be an issue, but sadly, I don't. All I really do is listen to music, find a beat that I like, and then just write my "lyrics" to the beats of those songs (that's about all I copy, though. I do try to keep all of this as original as I can). Maybe someday I'll find somebody who wants to write music for my words. We'll have to see, won't we? Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful, worthwhile and wonderful use of words. I would need a hour to break down the thoughts and the description in the poetry. Your words hard, direct and true. Made the reader believe and think. Thank you Dan for sharing the outstanding poetry. I liked this one.
Coyote

[DoormanDan]

Haha, trust me, many, many hours went into writing this one. I'm very happy to hear you enjoyed it so much. I was trying to be somewhat more aggressive with the lyrics than I usually am, and I'm glad to her my efforts paid off! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You did well. A worthwhile poem. I enjoyed the poem and you are welcome my friend.