Promise of the Wind Rewrite

This is an improved version of my story "Promise of the Wind", which is an allegory about a teenage girl struggling to overcome the loss of somebody very close to her.

Promise of the Wind Rewrite

The arctic landscape all around was nothing but a vast, desolate kingdom of glistening ice, boulders, and snow.  The snow of this unearthly wasteland shone blue; more blue than the raging waves of the ocean.  The night sky above this peculiar setting was even stranger, as there were no stars hanging in it.  Instead, there were what had to be thousands upon thousands of little, fiery orbs of light, which looked much like will o' wisps, and each with it's own soothing color, dancing in the night.  The truly extra terrestrial and somewhat sublime scene was one that straddled multiple worlds; that of depression and loneliness, hopelessness and sorrow, and in a way, beauty and mystery.

In the middle of this unbelievably august wasteland was a teenage girl.  She had to be, without a single doubt in the whole staggeringly titanic expanse of the universe, the most beautiful girl on the planet.  Both her long, curtain like hair and her skin were a bizarre mix of black and white, and her eyes were a mesmerizing swirl of silver and gold.  The girl's pants, shoes and hoodie were also two different colors; bright pink and dark blue.  She was easily the most exotic being the stardust paintbrush had ever painted onto the canvas of existence.

The wondrous teen seemed to be completely oblivious to the fantasy around her.  An explicit coating of cold, heart numbing sadness emanated from her hypnotizing eyes, and the cause of this appeared to be an object erected in the ice right in front of her.  That object was a tombstone with one word engraved into it.

"FRIEND" 

The area around the stone was littered with almost unrecognizable bits and pieces of a plane engine, and the tombstone itself was decorated in hundreds of empty lockets.  Even in the perfect paradigm of surreal settings that surrounded it, the stone slab seemed so out of place.

 

As the girl continued to stare blankly at the tombstone, relentless tidal waves of memories began surging through her head.  She remembered all the times her friend had been there to provide her solace after every intense altercation the girl had with her father.  Whenever he had either verbally thrashed her or had left her a beaten black and blue mess on her bedroom floor, her friend had been there to fight for her.  Whenever the boys and girls at her high school had treated her like a freak because of her looks, the girl's friend told her that she was beautiful.  All of those times her friend had been there, and the girl never once said thank you.

Now she would never get the chance.

A gentle, chilling icy wind began to sting the girl's skin like a thousand angry wasps; but she didn't seem to be affected by the elements.  All she did was continue to stare at the tombstone, motionless and apathetic about everything else. It was as if she had forgotten how to feel and react to pain.  Suddenly, a grave, whispering female voice voice could be heard; but there wasn't anybody other than the girl around, and the voice wasn't hers. The voice was that of the wind.

 

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be".  The wind said.  As it spoke, a lone tear began rolling down the girl's cheek.  The almost microscopic teardrop quickly froze, and upon hitting the ground, it shattered into dozens of small ice fragments.

Not faltering, the wind continued, "Why did this have to happen?  There are so many doors left unopened, so many mountains left unclimbed.  Now what will happen to everything beyond those?  Are they just meant to simply fade into the void?" 

Now the remarkable teen was sobbing uncontrollably, tears flowing down her face like raging rivers.  She had never felt like this before; so sad, so lonely, so empty...so broken.

 

Something suddenly slammed into the girl's side, knocking the breath out of her, and throwing her a good twelve feet.  With a grunt, the girl crashed into the ground, the blue snow acting like a cushion for her fall.  Shaking the impact off, the girl rose to her feet and turned to face her assailant. What she saw didn't make any sense at all. 

 

Standing where she was just standing moments before was a shadow; her shadow.  It had somehow become a three dimensional entity, and was now staring at her like a predator watching its prey.  The look in it's sanguine eyes sent a wave of pure terror coursing down her spine.

After a few moments of inactivity, the shadow let out an awful, bloodcurdling shriek.  Before the girl could react, the shadow unleashed a sonic boom that went flying at her.  She didn't even have time to brace herself before it struck her and knocked her off her feet.  Not giving her a chance to get up, the shadow sprinted forward (closing the distance between them in three strides), and slammed it's foot into the girl's stomach.

The impact was so strong that the girl immediately coughed up several drops of blood and struggled just to breathe.  Her shadow continued to show no mercy by proceeding to relentlessly assault the girl with a barrage of brutal kicks to her stomach, back and head. After about a minute the shadow stopped, leaving the girl a black, blue and bloodied mess on the cold ice.

 

The heartless shadow then picked the beaten girl up by her throat.  The teen made a rather pathetic attempt to break free, but the shadow had an iron grip.  It was at this point that the shadow began to choke her.  It applied so much force that the girl's vision started to slowly go black after just a few seconds from oxygen deprivation.  After another few seconds, the fiery orbs in the night sky above began raining down in a thunderstorm of light.

She couldn't do this, her shadow was too powerful, The girl thought.  She could feel herself gradually growing weaker and weaker by the second.  Soon, her arms went limp, and her eyes began to slowly close once and for all. Moments before the end, soul searing regret started running through her.  She thought about everything she had done in life, and the universe of things that she had yet to accomplish.  There was so much more she could still do, and it was all about to just evaporate.  What would her friend think of this, if she was still alive?

Suddenly, the voice of the wind came back, but it felt warmer and sounded strong this time.  "No".  Was all it said.  As it said this, life and strength began surging  through the girl's body at the speed of light, and her woundeds started to heal.  With the ferocity of an erupting volcano, her eyes shot open, an incandescent glow emanating from them.  A bright, golden aura soon enveloped the girl entirely, and the shadow began struggling to keep a hold of her.

"This is not what she would want!"  The wind roared.  With an explosion of energy, the girl blasted her shadow back at the speed of sound.  The shadow kept going for fifty feet before colliding with a large boulder, obliterating it.

"This is my promise to her...a promise that I will keep until the day I die!!"  Both the girl and the wind shouted in perfect unison.  With a fierce battle cry, the girl shot forward faster than a bullet.  The shadow had only just gotten to it's feet by the time she was on top of it.  Just in the nick of time, the shadow managed to block the girl's punch, and attempted to sweep her feet out from under her.

The teenager anticipated this though, and gracefully back flipped out of the way.  She had just finished the move when the shadow inhaled as much air as it could and shot a wall of midnight black fire at her.

In a blur of motion, the remarkable girl cartwheeled clear of the inferno, conjured an enormous wave of water which took on the form of a fierce some Dragon(which let out a roar equally as fierce as its appearance), and sent it hurdling at the shadow.  The speed at which the wave slammed into the shadow was so great that it created a large "boom", and cracked the ice all around the shadow within a 25ft radius.

As the wave thinned out, the shadow brought itself slowly brought itself to its feet, clearly dazed by the attack, but only for a brief second.  For a few moments, the girl and her shadow stared at each other.  Finally, the teen lunged forward, roaring tremendously.  The shadow, half a nanosecond later, did the same.  Closer and closer they got, and once  they were right on top of one another, the two attacked each other mercilessly.

For half a minute, the girl and her shadow were engaged in a lightning fast sequence of punches, kicks, blocks and dodges.  To anyone who watched from the sidelines, it would have looked much like a dance.  Finally, the fight reached it's conclusion as the shadow stumbled, giving the girl a large enough opening to send her fist right through it's stomach.

For a brief moment, the girl and the shadow made eye contact.  In that moment, the girl smiled, and a second later, the shadow exploded into a million little shards of darkness.  The battle was, at long last, over.

But the girl wasn't done just yet.  Turning around, she brought her attention to the orbs of light that were raining down from the sky.  The girl, still smiling slightly, aimed her hands at the scene, and sent her golden aura soaring into the sky.  For a few moments, there was nothing, but then a brilliant explosion of golden, sparkling dust lit up the night.  As it rained down over the entire area, the orbs of light began slowly returning to their interstellar thrones in the sky one by one.  Soon they were all back in place, and the girl finally breathed a sigh of relief.  Now she was done.

As she looked over the frozen fantasy landscape, her thoughts turned back to the tombstone of her friend, and her brawl with the shadow.  In those moments, when she was so weak, frail, sad and broken, her eyes, which had been sealed shut for so long, had finally opened again.  It hurt her to know that her best friend was gone, and it would most likely always hurt; but she could not, and would not, let that pain ruin her life.  That's not what her friend would want; the girl could see that now. 

 

At that instance of realization, something genuinely freaky happened. Two beautiful angel wings broke through the skin on the girl's back. One wing was a wonderful magenta color and the other was a dazzling azure. Wit these wings, the girl had become quite a heavenly being.

Taking one last glance at the barren, frozen world around her, the girl turned her sights to the orbs of light in the sky, stretched her wings out, and began to rise into the night.  While she was hovering in the air, the voice of the wind came one last time,

"...this is my promise..."  It began.  Smiling, the girl took off into the heavens in the direction of the orbs of light.

"This is my promise to her..."  The wind continued as the girl soared away.  Tears were streaming down her face again, but the girl actually wasn't sad this time; she was happy.  As she drew closer and closer to the orbs of light, the wind said one last thing,

"...And I will keep it until the day I die."  As that last word echoed throughout the frozen wasteland, and as the girl vanished from sight, the chilling wind grew calm.

The End

Author's Note

When I first wrote this story, I will admit that I was very proud of it. Even today, it still remains my favorite story that I have written. However, I soon realized from some very helpful reviewers(who were, lucky for me, not afraid to knock me down to size before I transcended Kanye West levels of arrogant) that my story had many flaws, and this rewrite is a result of those reviews. Now that I have rewritten this, I feel even more confident about it than I was the first time, but I know that there are still flaws. If you notice any, whether it be big or small, please feel free to point them out! I hope you enjoy this rewrite :)

Reviews

[Kelsey Schadt]

The imagery in the opening paragraph is so vivid and enchanting, it begs the reader to continue reading. I was captivated the whole time. As I was reading however, some suggestions came to mine.

1) "It had somehow become a three dimensional entity, and was now staring at her like a predator watching its prey. The look in it's sanguine eyes sent a wave of pure terror coursing down her spine" Unless I am misunderstanding the shadow, I would think it wouldn't have eyes. Maybe you might want to call it something other than a shadow, or rework this sentence.

2)"At that instance of realization, something genuinely freaky happened." I think the word genuinely undermines the freakiness of everything else which happened in the story--such as a shadow giving the girl a beat down.

3)" Wit these wings, the girl had become quite a heavenly being." Minor typo- with.

I was impressed with the creativity and your word choice to create a clear picture for the reader. Excellent job. I enjoyed this piece very much

[DoormanDan]

Thanks for the helpful review, I'm glad you pointed out the typo and made those suggestions. I can see what you're saying with the first point, but the reason I called it a shadow is because is because it is a shadow in some sense, but not like our shadows. Our shadow are inanimate objects, the shadow the girl is fighting is a living, breathing entity. Although I suppose clone would perhaps be a better word, but then the problem is that it isn't really a full clone either(because It's not identical to the girl). I think I might try to think of the best word to use in this. Anyways, thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate the feedback :)

[Kelsey Schadt]

The pleasure is all mine!

[Workvio]

An interesting story concept ... So often our greatest foe in life is our inner self ...

[Marcus K]

You paint the picture with your words, that is a fine gift. I like where the story goes, the ebb and flow of tensions. One place did strike me.
" The shadow kept going for fifty feet before colliding with a large boulder, obliterating the boulder."
Double use of "boulder", i would recommend changing the second one to "stone" or even "obstruction".
... i think this hit me because i have been edited and commented on frequently for the same thing, so now it jumps off the page at me :)
As a whole, an enjoyable read.

[DoormanDan]

Thank you for pointing that out, I hadn't even noticed it. My story writing skills are not as good as my poetry/songwriting ability, but that's just something I need to work on. Thanks for reviewing :)

[Ace Noire]

Very descriptive, fine writing and very youth orientated in the style and presentation so this will certainly appeal to its target audience. Personally, I tire easily with heavily descriptive passages and (again, personally) would like to see more characterisation and show. There is a fair bit of word repetition ('suddenly' for one) and far too much 'tell' "Now the remarkable teen was sobbing uncontrollably..." Why 'tell' me that when it would have far more impact to my emotional reading mind if I can work that out for myself instead? To do that... you would have to show her distress, not tell me.

[DoormanDan]

Thanks for the review. I see where you are coming from, but this is not meant to be as much a Micheal Bay production as much as it's meant to be reminiscent of Edgar Allan Poe. The story is told through the symbolism. This is actually a piece I wrote a long while ago, when I was still getting used to writing stories, so that's why there are some unnecessary details and repetitive words(my vocab is much broader nowadays). I've gotten loads better at showing rather than telling. That being said, this is meant to be written with tons of description, because half of the background of the character and some the story are told by the setting and the appearance of the character. I do see every one of your points, and I really do appreciate the honesty in your review. Thanks :)

[Ace Noire]

Glad you're not offended, I tend to read and comment without reading prior comments or explanations of a piece and just feed back how the story works for me, personally. My opinion like anyone else is always coloured by bias and prejudice. Thank you for your explanation, I understand.

[Perkele.7885]

This is quite a story that you have conjured up here Dan! I can review this for presentation and flow, it's ability to capture the reader's imagination and your use of imagery.
However, I can't review it for capturing my attention because it did not do that. And that is not the poems' or your fault. I just am not into phantasy and out of worldly stuff. I have to see and feel a sense of reality or believability for me to embrace it. Just the way the Good Lord hard wired me, I guess.

[DoormanDan]

Well, that's alright, everybody has their own tastes(and yours is noted for next time). Thanks for giving it a try though and for being honest about it. :)

[Amber Lily]

I thought your first version of this was good, but now it's fantastic. It all seems well thought out and it's clear that you had one solid idea. The colors and the scenery in this story were beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as the ending. At first it came off sad, but then after a good fight with herself she understood that she could be happy once again. A great message here for anyone suffering from a loss. I truly think a lot of your writing will save a lot of people Dan :)

[DoormanDan]

Thanks for the positive feedback Amber, and I would certainly be happy if this helped people out. This piece has always held a special place in my heart ever since I first wrote it for some reason. I think it might be because of how relatable it is. I really hope I can at least publish this one someday, not for the money, but in order to help people. :)

[Aries1984]

This story has a strong element of a dream. I love the battle between the shadow and the girl too. It really reminded me when I saw one episode of a show called Paranormal Witness. The episode was called "The Angel of Death" The testimony took place in a hospital from someone who experienced what was happening spiritually at that hospital.

The angel of death was the soul collector of people who were dying of various things in that hospital. This episode had more than one witness ranging from three patients, two who died and one who survived and a handful of hospital staff who have reported strange things going on and seeing this black entity that they called the Angel of Death.

One of the dying patients was already in hospice stage, he had a hospice nurse by his side. The nurse reported how her patient was going all kinds of crazy in his bed shouting things like, "DON'T TAKE ME! I'M NOT READY! DON'T TAKE ME!" The other patient just a few rooms down had surgery that went wrong and nearly lost his life. Both patients saw this black entity. The guy in hospice care eventually died. Because he was going all wild and crazy the hospital staff had to strap him to his bed. The Angel of Death eventually took him.

The guy who nearly died of a messed up surgery, he was interviewed for that episode and he recalled having to face that same black entity. It climbed on top of him, he even was able to recall how he could smell the breath of that thing. Then he looked to the side and saw this little girl, wearing all white and glowing. She was holding his hand. She was his guardian angel. Your story reminded me of this episode. I really do believe that there is a spiritual world out there that we can't see.

[DoormanDan]

Same here, I believe there is a spirit world out there as well, but I guess we'll find out for certain one day, wont we? That really does sound like an interesting show, I'll check it out sometime(I'm in dire need of something new to watch lol). Thanks for reviewing :)

[xansizi]

Wow! The description in this was famtastic- you painted very vivid pictures of the girl, the scenery and how she stands out and is different.

I love the shadow. This tells me that the thing she is now struggling to fight is herself- her own bad memories and the things that happened to her in the past.

If you get a chance could you please review for me? Thanks

[DoormanDan]

I'm glad you liked this, thanks for taking the time to read and review it. I'll make sure to return the favor :)

[xansizi]

Wow! The description in this was famtastic- you painted very vivid pictures of the girl, the scenery and how she stands out and is different.

I love the shadow. This tells me that the thing she is now struggling to fight is herself- her own bad memories and the things that happened to her in the past.

If you get a chance could you please review for me? Thanks

[Stephen]

Very good story my friend..I enjoyed it. It was in very good detail. The descriptions were fantastic. Thanks for sharing!

[DoormanDan]

Thank you for reviewing this Stephen, I'm glad you like this :)