Coffee

a story of longing

There i sat engulfed in the coffee aroma and evening worries. I did not forget my worries, for mine were tattooed onto my heart and sat on my shoulder like an elephant. I remembered for a second. I reflected for a second on memories that i thought had died but sure enough they'd been resurrected by the bitter smell of evening coffee. The memory of you throbbed in my brain. 

The memory of you packing your bags and leaving me and saying that you loved me but in my condition you could not stay with me. 'In my condition' you could not love me. I was unlovable. But you had known this before we laid down as lovers in that midnight draft. You'd known this before you told me the first 'i love you'. You knew i was unlovable but you chose to love me anyway. And then when i became too much to handle, when i called you at 3 a.m threatening to devour the pills you drifted away and said i was too much to handle. You said you were not strong enough but you'd wish me the best and darling wishes don't ever come true for i have the worst now not the best. 

I miss the completeness my heart felt when your hand brushed against mine. Yes just that simple gesture made me feel complete. Alive. Human. So when you left, my love i felt more like and unloved abused animal that you see on those late night commercials. And you see, much like those animals i will not be saved from this abuse for a reason much different from theirs: i am the one inflicting the pain.