delusion

the introduction to the book I needed to write, a manual for the other people walking the same path

I find myself staring into space all the time, constantly zoning out and imagining my life in a band without the day to day stresses of actually trying to make that dream a possibility.

It keeps me up all night for days at a time, I lie there thinking about what the stage would look like, the clothes I would wear, the amps behind me all in a row, given to us by sponsors who think our band is worthy enough, I think of the heat that comes off the pyrotechnics that are raging to the side of the stage, the audience completely losing their s**t because we are midway through playing their favourite song.

I’ve been this way since I was a kid, all I did when I was growing up was subject myself to watching live videos and concerts of all my favourite bands, learning my guitar to the best of my ability. Cramming my brain with so much information about the intricacy’s and mechanics of the music business and what it takes to smash your way in to it. This has become more than just an obsession to me; it has overrun my life to the point where I find no enjoyment or solace with anything else.

If a current situation does not concern my band or will not inch me forward I will just sit there in silence and wait for it to go away. It will seem rude to others but it’s been going on so f*****g long I just don’t care anymore, I don’t even realise I’m doing it.  I can’t seem to enjoy myself  or get involved in anything unless it has got something to do with the band, I have made so many sacrifices in my life to chase this enigma that I look back now at the age of 35 and contemplate everything I have missed out on. I try to not think about it too often because I already suffer from massive anxiety disorder, depression and panic attacks which I firmly believe have been brought on by this deluded task I have entangled myself in, it hits me harder than I can deal with.

I never lost sight of this road, I stayed firmly on track for over seventeen years and it really has been blood, sweat and tears. I’m exhausted to the point of needing hospitalising but I’m too scared to stop.

If I stop now I have to rewrite my future, but the issue is I never thought that I would need a contingency plan. I was so firmly positive I would make it I set aside any thought of a plan B.

I couldn’t stick at a job for longer than a few years; I didn’t retain friends or colleagues or have a secondary hobby. I ignored everything that ever got close to me and if it didn’t serve a purpose that got me to the desired end result it would be cast aside without a second thought. I don’t know if this was a good thing that showed my steel determination or a disaster waiting to happen, created from a narrow minded selfishness that I had locked away so deep it had become irretrievable.

I know that some of you reading this will completely understand what I am talking about and I know for sure you have got it as bad as me because those corrupted people will be reading this and saying to yourself

‘I know what this guy is saying, but what I’m going through is the actual real deal’.

 I know this because when you get yourself this indebted to the chase you will never accept that somebody else could possibly ever have it as bad as you, so you will tune them out and dismiss them off as a f*****g amateur that hasn’t got a clue what he’s talking about.

Well I do know what I’m talking about; no one has fought harder and sacrificed more than I have. Sitting here on the edge of the band split, desperately trying to hold on to the final throes of the death knell, snatching franticly to paper over the cracks and pretend that its fixable.

I feel I need to put this journey into words and try get it out of my system once and for all, if I don’t I am 100%  certain that it will kill me.

I need to move on with my life and leave behind the only thing I have ever known, it’s too hard to put into words because of the length of time it has gone on and the amount of effort it has taken from me over the years. I thought if I could eject everything from my head onto paper and rid my brain of it once and for all whilst trying to pass on some help and advice to people then at least I could go out with something concrete and creative that I could look back on in the future. I’d know I didn’t waste my life but instead rolled up my efforts into a creative body of work to pass on to help others, it may work, and it may not. You can let me know after you have finished. Please know this comes straight from the heart, the highlights, the anger, the fighting and the exhilaration.

 

I had a f*****g blast on this ride.

 

Let’s go.