My Surreptitious Heart

In fairness, this is a tiiiny extract and I've found myself an editor, just wanted to share as I've not been on here for a long time! =)

I'm standing in the shower with the bathroom light out, my head set back, with water filling my mouth and pouring out like one of those historical stone statues you see down the local park. You never notice the statues, dedications, war memorials or bench plaques that dot numerous seats around the green.

I feel like a statue not only because I can stand like this for hours and feel like no-one would notice, but I'm doing it just because I can - because I'm an adult and this is a perfectly legitimate way to spend my spare time. If I had a psychiatrist, perhaps he would ask if I felt under pressure in my life… if the water that poured into my mouth symbolised a sense of drowning, of being consumed by the overwhelming challenge of the every day. He would ask if I ever feel suicidal, or, if I was in a mental home, he’d put me on a watch list in case I made a run for it. The truth is - sometimes I wish I felt suicidal. I wish I could feel so emotionally overawed by everything that I might decide to jump from a bridge into the twisted river waters below. But, knowing my luck, I'd try it in the middle of the night without noticing the tide had gone out, then I'd be stuck in the mud below for hours waiting for the tidal river to slowly creep up my body. I’d be spotted by a morning jogger or a woman walking her dog who would alert the local authorities and a gaggle of people would form to peer at my obviously troubled soul. No doubt, because of the rising tide, a helicopter would have been called and as it dragged me upwards from the sinking depths of mud, my trousers would remain underwater and my naked arse would make it onto the front page of the local rag.

In reality, the shower gives me moments completely free from conversation or the general awkwardness that comes from house sharing with complete strangers. I'm guessing you’ve house-shared before as a student, or maybe you will when trying to find your way onto the supposed gold-laden property ladder. They make us believe it's not a board game, that the only option is up, with no snakes lying in wait behind forms, solicitors fees, bank charges and so on. But I'll come back to those snakes later, because for now we're nowhere near that part. Where were we? Ah, yes, the shower. Not only does it give me the escape from reality and all its impending countdowns and microwaved dings of life, but it gives me this uninterrupted time to just think. I’d like to say this thinking is all about good plans and great things, and of course those do come into play, but a lot of this time is spent thinking “no, no… noooooo” about various relationship possibilities or more so: Falterings. Always good to use a capital 'F'? Yes.

Reviews

[Marlton]

Hello there,

I loved the image you use of the statue in the park. It focusses on the stillness and sense of just 'being' not 'doing' that the rest of the piece seems to be about. Still is good and there's so little of it in life now. I'll be interested to read more. Best wishes,

Stephen

[Barbara Walker]

In this crowded, loud world, it's about the only place you can be alone and be in silence. There is always so much going on around us, I'm surprised we aren't ALL mad! Your prose has great diction and syntax and this piece flows with your thoughts nicely. Enjoyed reading it twice!

[Barbara Walker]

This is a great write of what humans think and do, when they can get that, oh so rare, time to themselves. It's a sad fact of the times, that we rarely get the time to just "be", just "think". We can say, oh, but I'm me, no matter where I am. But we all have that game mask we feel we must put on in front of others. You've written this in a very personable way and it's easy to relate to it. As there is more to this, I look forward to reading it! barbara

[Elvina CZq]

Greetings,

Never thought I would come across such interesting story, which I believe is only part of a longer version story...? But anyway, doesn't matter. I must say this one is very insightful. Just with this small part of telling how a mind has gone through with a lot and different thoughts during the privacy moment, has already shown that human does think, owns a feeling, and definitely carries problems around.

What I'm trying to say is that, a person might not show the complete emotions while he was outside, but he does show some when he's alone. In this showering part, yes, I do have that moment as well. Letting the shower runs down on me, listening to the sound of the water dripping fast past my ears, while my mind just couldn't stop thinking of whatever thoughts that come in.

Hmm... just interesting. I mean, it's not easy for a simple story, poem, or article that can make me think deeply, especially not in the morning. But yours just did. Thank you for sharing on the site :)

[Samuel Dickens]

I see this as being part serious and part not so serious. The serious part, I can relate to. I may not stand in a shower pretending to be an inanimate object, but I have my ways of escaping unwanted eyes and being alone with unimpeded thoughts. The other part--the humorous part, I found pretty darned funny, especially the bit about the failed suicide. In the immortal words of Cream, "If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."

[R J Askew]

I enjoyed this insight into a private moment. It made me think and respond. Without knowing why, I feel instinctively hostile to psychiatrists and the obsession a lot of us have with them. I esp feel contempt for the way a lot of metrolpolitan yanks seem to be in 'analysis' or 'therrrrrapeeee'. Perhaps we seem to have lost touch with common sense and over-elaborated the simple. Yes, that is it. I then thought that your shower is, perhaps, your psychiatrist. The shower gives you a chance to take a moment to think in the peace of your own company. Perhaps that is all most of us really need. Less complex, slower lives and a little time to ourselves. And the notion of needed to feel suicidial to feel something is absurd, but then you know this as you turn the subject into a joke. Humour, esp self-deprecatory humour, seems a very good way to be. So your shower moment wins my vote as showing a common sense approach to life laced with a very healthy humour. And a plague on all shrinks.

[Lauren Beth]

I really enjoyed this...I especially love the part about jumping off a bridge and getting stuck in the mud :) You greatly express emotions here that I think many can relate to and you do so in a very entertaining way. Nice write!